Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Quote of the Day: Men Fall in Love Much Faster Than Women

“In [a] survey, one in five men claimed to have fallen in love at first sight. Just over half were smitten after one meeting and nearly three-quarters had lost their hearts within three dates. In contrast, only one in ten women said they had experienced love at first sight. Most waited until at least the sixth date before deciding whether or not they had found the ‘real thing.'”

A new survey of 1,500 men and 1,500 women ages 16-86 found that men are (or claim to be) more likely to fall in love (uh, lust, maybe?) at first sight than women. Explaining the findings, British psychologist Alexander Gordon said that men use more superficial categories, like a person’s looks, to decide whether there’s potential for life-long commitment, while women actually, you know, weigh important things like, perhaps, shared interests and values and common goals for the future.

A couple of other interesting findings from the study:

* “The average (British) man falls in love just over three times in his life while the average woman falls in love only once.”

* “More men than women claimed to have loved someone who did not love them back.”

* Both sexes said that their first love took the longest to get over.

So, what do you think? Have you ever fallen in love at first sight? How many times have you been in love and how long (or how many dates) did it take you to feel that way? And for those of you who have experienced multiple heartbreaks, would you agree that the first one took the longest to get over?

I’d say I’ve been in love three times. The first two times happened pretty quickly — like maybe within six weeks or so? When I met Drew — obviously the last man I fell in love with — I knew there was something special between us right away. But I was older and wiser by then and looking for something long-lasting. I really took my time to decide whether he was “the one.” And we were long distance, too, and saw each other maybe once every three weeks, so that also sort of forced us to take things slowly. I’d say it was about six months before I really felt in love with him, and then maybe another two months after that before I seriously considered the potential of a future with him. For what it’s worth — and because this is such a hot topic around here — Drew said “I love you” first, but I waited months and months for those three little words. It’s OK to take things slowly sometimes!

Oh, and yes, the first heartbreak was a fucking bitch to get over. Oy vey.

60 comments… add one
  • sweetleaf August 17, 2011, 12:14 pm

    Yeah, what is it with that first one?? Woo Lawdy!! I don’t want to relive that ever. Ever! The one I’m dating now said I love you first:)

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  • TheOtherMe August 17, 2011, 12:21 pm

    My first real relationship lasted almost 4 years and I can’t say it was the hardest breakup. As a relationship person, I can say that I have been in love many times. I go all in. If I’m with someone, it’s very intense & passionate ( gotta have you right this second lust-fear-love-hate-tears-screaming-gotta have you right this second again ) kind of love. So yes, I have been burned many times but i wouldn’t change a thing.

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  • Laurel August 17, 2011, 12:23 pm

    I have definitely seen more men in “unrequited love” situations than women. I’ve known a few men who would latch on to some woman who was nice to him (once, a couple of times, or as a friend) or who he thought was really attractive and decided he was in love with her. Sometimes they pursue it but usually it’s a long, boring, love-from-afar where they pine for the women without doing anything about it.

    Getting over my first “love” was definitely the WORST, but now with a lot more perspective I realize I didn’t love him. So maybe I haven’t had to do that? I can’t imagine trying to “get over” losing my boyfriend though.

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  • silver_dragon_girl August 17, 2011, 12:32 pm

    The average British woman only falls in love ONCE?!?! Wow. I’ve been in love twice, and both times I have not been the one to end the relationship, so maybe I’m dating the wrong guys? Well, obviously since it didn’t work out…

    Anyway. Love at first sight? No way. But my most recent ex said many times that he fell in love with me the first time we had sex (so I’m thinking it was really lust), while it took me a couple months to get there. I don’t believe in love at first sight at all, because I fall in love through talking/getting to know/becoming emotionally intimate with someone.

    Not sure yet whether the first one was the hardest. I’ll let you know when I’m over the second one 😉

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    • TheOtherMe August 17, 2011, 12:36 pm

      It’s true that women tend to fall in love more through getting to know someone but there have been a few times in my life where after a split second of contact, I knew this person was going to make a huge difference in my life.

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  • Coughla August 17, 2011, 12:36 pm

    The first time my fiance and I met, he sent a mutual friend a text that said he “may or may not be in love” with me. It didn’t take me too long to catch up; we both knew each other was The One very early on in our relationship.

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  • kerrycontrary August 17, 2011, 12:36 pm

    I’ve been in love twice (am still in the second love right now) and it definitely took more than 6 dates. I mean I can tell pretty quickly whether the person I’m seeing has long-term potential, but it definitely takes me 3 months, or more, to determine whether I’m falling in love with them.

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  • MissDre August 17, 2011, 12:50 pm

    Been in love three times. I don’t know why but I’m very quick to fall in love (something that’s maybe not the wisest thing) however I can definitely say that my first boyfriend was not a healthy type of love and it wasn’t returned.

    The first love ending was the definitely the hardest for me to take. I had a mental breakdown. Was bedridden for about a week, useless for about a month, cried constantly for about two months, jumped into several rebounds and was miraculously over him after the third month.

    But my second love, he was my first REAL love. He said it first. The first guy that every truly loved me back and treated me right. I was much quicker to become functional after that breakup, but it took me over a year to stop missing him, praying that we’d find our way back together, and about 2 and a half years later I still have days where I’m randomly angry at him and hate him for breaking my heart.

    I definitely love my current boyfriend, but I’m taking things slowly and trying to be cautious. Trying to be smarter about maintaining my independence and self worth. Definitely the happiest and healthiest relationship I’ve had 🙂

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    JK August 17, 2011, 1:05 pm

    I’ve had 2 major relationships, with both the moment I saw them I knew he would be important in my life.The 1st was a disaster from the start (but it did help me learn a lot), and the 2nd is now my husband, my 2nd day at a new job i was walking down a long corridor, he came out of a room and I was smitten! After talking a few more times I thought maybe I was mistaken (hahaha) then he went on holiday for a couple of weeks, when he was away I had a really intense, vivid dream about him (not erotic, but very weird) after that dream I was hooked, like a week after he came back from his vacation we started dating. I never had a moment of realizing “this is the one”, but I first said “I love you” on our 1st anniversary of dating, he took a lot longer (nearly 2 years after we started dating, a few months after we were living together), but really soon after we started dating I had peope saying they’d never seen him like that before (he had HEAPS of relationships before me), even from his mom (who I met about 10 days after we started dating). To this day I’m the one that always says I love you, and he shows it in other ways.

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    CatsMeow August 17, 2011, 1:06 pm

    I know it’s been discussed before, but how do you KNOW when you’re in love?

    I ask because I have the habit of THINKING I’m in love with someone, but then when I look back, I realize that it wasn’t *really* LOVE that I was feeling. I did love my first boyfriend, but it was a puppy love type of thing – we were both very young, innocent, and inexperienced. But I wasn’t physically attracted to him. I had 2 other serious boyfriends that I said “I love you” to – mostly after sex when all the hormones were goin’ crazy – and those are the ones where I feel a lot of doubt about, like Oh it wasn’t REAL love (whatever that is). NOW, with my current boyfriend, I’m IN **LOVE!!**, like, totally. We connected instantly, we’re on the same page with everything, and it’s just a breath of fresh air. HE said it first about 5 months in, although I can say I started feeling it around the 2 – 3 month mark (I said it once, drunkenly around that time — haha, but the booze-fueled “I love you” doesn’t count, right?). He’s truly the only partner I’ve had that i can see myself REALLY sharing a future with.

    But I still have doubts because sometimes I wonder if I can trust my own judgment, given my lack of judgment in the past.

    Does anyone else feel this way?


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    • haggith August 17, 2011, 1:22 pm

      a friend of mine, who is a teacher, overheard one of her 3rd graders saying he was in love with a classmate. my friend told him “well, that’s not love!” the third grader told her “miss, you can tell me everything you want about maths but you can’t tell me what love feels like.” she then thought she had no right to tell others what they should be feeling. i think feeling love is what we progressively work on all our lives like a painter works on a canvas: the first ones maybe didn’t work that well but it was their best approximation to perfection. it takes time and mastery. surely, i didn’t love my first boyfriend as much as i love my husband now but what i experienced was my approximation and experimentation of that love that has evolved and will continue evolving. what i didn’t like then is when my sister told me that what i felt then wasn’t love.

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      • PFG-SCR August 17, 2011, 2:10 pm

        “i think feeling love is what we progressively work on all our lives like a painter works on a canvas: the first ones maybe didn’t work that well but it was their best approximation to perfection. it takes time and mastery.”

        I don’t think the evolution of love needs to continue with a different partner – it’s finding a right partner at the right time with whom you can achieve it. Sometimes a couple can mature together and achieve this; others need to experience a wider range of partners to determine what they want; others can meet someone, break up and later, find it with that original person; and others may never truly find it.

        There is no “right way”.

      • haggith August 17, 2011, 2:32 pm

        true but i don’t think love is something to be found; let alone in someone else because is within yourself.

      • PFG-SCR August 17, 2011, 2:38 pm

        A mature love needs to be mutual, in my opinion. I’m not sure how unrequited love could ever be that because it’s too much of a fantasy in the person’s mind.

      • haggith August 17, 2011, 2:47 pm

        would i say that i don’t feel love if i have a boyfriend who doesn’t love me but i love deeply? that’s saying that the authenticity of a feeling is true only if it’s reciprocrated

      • PFG-SCR August 17, 2011, 2:59 pm

        I specifically said “mature love” because I don’t think you can have a mature love without it being mutual. And quite honestly, why would you want to? Isn’t the point to fall in love (and be in love) together?

      • haggith August 17, 2011, 3:04 pm

        i guess i erased the part i said “i completely agree with you in that.” and yes, why would you want to love someone who doesn’t love you? i guess it just happens and de-loving someone is not as automatic as we all wish it were…

    • PFG-SCR August 17, 2011, 1:56 pm

      “But I still have doubts because sometimes I wonder if I can trust my own judgment, given my lack of judgment in the past.”

      I think if you really fall for someone, you don’t really know at first if it’s love or just intense infatuation and lust, because you can’t think of anything else, and you have to (try and) keep yourself from getting too caught up in the emotions. “Falling in love” is easy, but mature love is different, and that’s the barometer to determine if what you feel is true love or just intense infatuation and lust. Unfortunately, we often need the benefit of hindsight to be able to sort through and accurately identify the actual feelings because in the moment, we’re too caught up in the emotions to see things objectively.

      Relationships change over time, and once you’ve been “in love” for a period of time, there will be a comfortable stage. That’s when you know if it’s true love or if it was just infatuation and lust. But, regardless of whether what you feel is love or infatuation, it’s still an amazing experience, so I wouldn’t get too caught up on trying to figure out which it is, because you’ll just know at a certain point.

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      • PFG-SCR August 17, 2011, 2:29 pm

        I also think that when intense relationships end unexpectedly and abruptly, people sometimes assume that it was the “real thing” because they never got a chance to see it play out to determine what it really was. So, they carry a torch for someone (the “one who got away”), instead of realizing that they were only involved with the other person in the honeymoon stage where everything was perfect.

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      Budjer August 17, 2011, 1:08 pm

      Yes. I think you look at someone differently when you are in love….like it morphs into a more unconditional feeling…not to be confused with letting someone put you through the ringer for unhealthy reasons.

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      • TheOtherMe August 17, 2011, 1:25 pm

        @CatsMeow: I think you know when you know ( cliché right ? ) Of course we can look back and think “well, It might not have been love” but also sometimes, time passes and we tend to forget just how it felt in that “moment”. We downplay it… maybe because it makes us feel better to do so now that it’s over.

        As for lack of judgment, It does happen ( I don’t know how old you are ) but if we had the chance to re-live our past with our current thought patterns, I am not sure it would still have gone any better.

      • silver_dragon_girl August 17, 2011, 2:53 pm

        I agree. I think that women especially have a tendency to look back, years later, and think, “oh, that wasn’t really love.” I don’t think that’s fair, or accurate. I think that if you feel like you’re in love, you’re in love. Part of it stems from our growing maturity…perhaps love we feel at 30 seems different than love we feel at 18. But a lot of it, I think, comes from the romantic “fairy tale” notion that you will marry your “one true love.” So we try to justify and tell ourselves that all those relationships that didn’t work out weren’t “really love.”

        Also, (at least in my case) people tend to focus on the BAD parts of a relationship after it ends. So it’s very easy to convince yourself that you were never *really* in love with that guy when all you let yourself remember is the bad stuff.

  • haggith August 17, 2011, 1:11 pm

    i “loved’ the 5 men i have been with. i use quotation marks because i recognize that it was not the mature love that now i have but my different approximations of love according to my age and my emotional maturity. the first break up? the hardest and most traumatic ever… especially since i waited till i was 24 to start dating so i thought he was “the one.” it took me 4 years to date again. none of my break ups were pain free after that but with each i learned strategies to get over them more easily; like taking up classes, exercising, meeting new people, changing circles of friends, etc, etc. i don’t believe in love at first sight and i don’t fall in love easily either (actually it is kind of hard). what my experience taught me is that there’s not “the one” but many “the ones” for the person you are at a particular time of your life… even if they don’t work out it makes you who you are. even now that i’m happily married i believe that he’s “the one” for “me” in this specific moment of my life… definitely we’re working to thrive together for as long as we should be

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    • Bethany August 17, 2011, 1:45 pm

      “i “loved’ the 5 men i have been with. i use quotation marks because i recognize that it was not the mature love that now i have but my different approximations of love according to my age and my emotional maturity.”


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  • meaghan August 17, 2011, 1:17 pm

    I’ve only been in what I’d call ‘true’ love once and now we’re married. Past ‘loves’ were always Mr Right Now’s to me rather than Mr. Right. Both previous guys said they were in love and wanted marriage pretty quickly which may reflect on what kind of men they were lol

    I wouldn’t call it love at first sight, but when my now husband came to my doorstep thar first date (we’d met through plentyoffish.com) something in my my world clicked into place and I can’t imagine how I lived without having him in my life before.

    I’d say this study should take into account what people consider to be love. I was always pretty aware that though I had strong feelings that I called love for some men I was never going to settle down with them while other women consider any relationship past six months a done deal. Its all perspective.

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  • MissDre August 17, 2011, 1:27 pm

    This whole thread just reminds me of a quote I heard somewhere:

    “We always believe our first love to be our last, and our last love to be our first.”

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  • MsMisery August 17, 2011, 1:29 pm

    If it didn’t work out, was it “love”? I thought I was in love twice, but it wasn’t reciprocated (even though they were long, monogamous relationships), and they were kinda dysfunctional. So I look back on them now and wonder wtf it really was, and would I know love if I saw it now? Am I capable or too screwed up? Maybe I’ll just get more cats.

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    • haggith August 17, 2011, 1:31 pm

      love is what you feel, independently to what the other feels

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      • MsMisery August 18, 2011, 9:28 am

        Yeah, but it still makes me feel like I’m doin’ it wrong.

        I just have one kitteh now. I think he’d like a sibling, but current living arrangements prevent it. Ok, *I’d* also like him to have a sibling 😀

    • Bethany August 17, 2011, 1:50 pm

      You can never go wrong with more cats!!

      (well, unless you’re a hoarder….)

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        JK August 17, 2011, 2:43 pm

        Talking about hoarders, I was just reading about a couple in Florida that got arresyed for having over 700 cats, they had been told they could only have 100! Still way too many!

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        Budjer August 17, 2011, 2:50 pm

        “Sorry folks…700 is too many cats – you are neglectful…why couldn’t you stick with 100 cats like normal people…”

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        Ally August 17, 2011, 6:08 pm

        My boyfriend and I had a discussion about this the other day and kind of agreed that 10 cats is probably too many, unless you live on a private estate in the country or something. I could easily turn into a crazy old cat lady 🙂

    • MissDre August 17, 2011, 2:44 pm

      I have two and I refuse to go anywhere near the petshop for fear that I’ll fall in love and take home a third. I don’t think my one bedroom apartment is big enough for three!

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      CatsMeow August 17, 2011, 3:58 pm

      That’s how I feel! And I’m already the cat lady, haha….

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  • Painted_lady August 17, 2011, 1:30 pm

    Okay, I know this is probably completely irrational, but does anyone else experience anxiety on days when Wendy puts a couple of posts in a row up that aren’t “traditional” DW stuff? My initial thought is “OMG! Is Wendy okay?”

    I’m not blaming you by any stretch of the imagination, Wendy, or suggesting you do a thing differently. I’m just remarking on how spooked I get now, which is ridiculous.

    Anyway, in response to the article, I totally buy that men fall in love – or lust, or whatever – faster than women. Part of it, I’m sure, has something to do with women having more to risk by falling in love, at least from an evolutionary standpoint. I’d be interested, though, to see a follow up study about the people who fall in love faster and whether or not they also fall out of love faster. For those who fall in love at first sight and that first impression becomes a relationship, what’s the average length of the relationship as compared to someone who takes 3-6 months to fall in love? In my experience, a guy who tells me he loves me comparatively early is also going to bail equally as suddenly. Even the ones who saw me as an “unrequited” love seemed to bail pretty fast, with the exception of Painted_dude, who had the advantage of knowing me as my best friend for many years. It was more like these guys were in love with the idea of me but had no interest in who I really was.

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    • Rachel August 17, 2011, 1:46 pm

      I thought the same thing! Not many posts = sick Wendy? I hope not!

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    • moonflowers August 17, 2011, 8:29 pm

      “It was more like these guys were in love with the idea of me but had no interest in who I really was.”

      YES. THIS. I’m always a little disturbed when guys who have only met me a few times say they’re really really interested in me or ask me out. He barely knows who I am, so when he says he likes “me,” I don’t know which “me” he’s talking about. How are they so sure?

      Maybe that’s why men fall in love faster than women – they don’t get disturbed by the notion that realistically they barely know the object of their affections?

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  • Bethany August 17, 2011, 1:49 pm

    Looking back, I think I’ve only really been in love twice. My first love was a bitch to get over- Like literally almost 10 years until I really came to terms 100% with what happened in that situation. It was awful and I don’t wish it on anyone.

    My second love will soon be my husband! It’s a kind of love that I thought I would never have, and it’s amazing. I knew I could love him within a few dates. I knew I did love him within a few weeks, and I told him so around 3-4 months.

    I said “I love you” to probably 4-5 guys, and at the time I probably thought I loved them, but looking back I know I was probably just caught up in the moment and the excitement and passion of a new relationship.

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    Budjer August 17, 2011, 12:58 pm

    So I thought I was in love like 3 times…but I think it was mostly lust…those relationships didn’t make it much past 6 months and they all happened before I was 21 so obviously we didn’t have enough in common for a true emotional and physical connection. I’d like to think I have a better understanding of the difference now and will know more certainly in the future now that I am “older and wiser”…hopefully.

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  • ktfran August 17, 2011, 2:02 pm

    I’ve had many different relationships, but I’ve only been in love three times. The first time, it was almost immediate. The second took a while, but we ended up being best friends. The third was extremely passionate. All of these relationships ended for different reasons. The first, we were too young. The second, we lacked the chemistry to sustain a long-term commitment. The third, well it was mostly chemistry, a little volatile, and caring. The thing is all three ended mutually and ended well and I wouldn’t want it any other way. There was a reason we loved one another and I’m glad that wasn’t ruined. I’ve been able to maintain friendship and/or communication with all three.

    Now my first boyfriend, I definitely didn’t love. He said I love you to me, I didn’t return the setiment and he broke up with me a month later. I took that break up the hardest, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

    I’m thankful for every relationship I’ve been in because now I know what I want. I’m in no rush to find it or get it. I’ve decided to just let life happen.

    As far as men falling in love faster. I’m not sure. I agree with lust, but I don’t know about love.

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  • MonMon August 17, 2011, 1:28 pm

    I have found through my experiences that although I have been “in love” more than once, each of those times, the love was very different. My first “in love” experience, I was 17 and he was my first steady high school boyfriend. Years down the road, I was able to look at it as a teenager-puppy-love-type of “in love”. A few years later, I met a guy from my homeland while I was on a two-week vacation over there; we had a “whirlwind romance” for two weeks while I was there, then decided to “wait for each other” til I went back the following summer. Once I was back home, it became a fairytale kind of LDR: I received and responded to 2 or 3 snail mail love letters a week, emails, and texts (he lived in Europe) and it was all a beautiful “I’ll wait for you and suffer the pain of not being near you until we’re in each other’s arms again…” things until he actually was able to come visit and stay with me for 3 weeks. The reality of having him near and with me 24/7, going from nothing but letters, was a shock. 2 months later, I had another wave of reality hit me which made me realize that a relationship cannot be built on vacation visits: there would be no fights, no real “getting to know each other”, and we’d have to almost start fresh each time we met. However, the fact that I had ingrained this relationship as such a “perfect fairytale” made him (but more likely IT– the relationship) very difficult to forget and move on from. Rebounds tamed the pain, but never fully made me forget or let go. This relationship, I could now call my “young-adult infatuation love” really for lack of a better name.
    What actually FORCED me to get over this silly fairytale romance was a man I met shortly after my last homeland vacation (during which the fairytale was rekindled), who was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what I would have ever imagined myself being with, let alone eventually falling in love with. The first year of the relationship was really the most difficult year I have experienced in my life. Thankfully, despite a very short “honeymoon period”, we were able to work through everything, and almost 3 years later- having gone through countless fights and misunderstandings- things are comfortable, wonderful, and we’re excited to take the next step(s) in the near future (engagement, marriage, etc). This “in love” I can finally call my first and hopefully only “mature adult/soul mate love”. 🙂

    For the record, he was the first to say those 3 little words… 😉

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  • Flanagan.er August 17, 2011, 2:31 pm

    This is anecdotal, of course, but I have definitely found this to be true. In all of my relationships, the man has been the one to tell me he loves me first, and many times, I haven’t been at a point where I could say it back.

    I would like to know where this stereotype of women being clingy and needy, while the man is sort of standoffish and only puts up with it for…it’s never really articulated comes from. Because I tend to be pretty hand-off in relationships, and every one of them has ended because the guy ends up wanting to spend every moment we’re together talking and cuddling and discussing our emotions, and when we aren’t together, we have to be texting constantly, and I. Can’t. Handle. That. Where are the men who are willing to be in the same room as me while we can both read a book or get work done or something.

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    • TheOtherMe August 17, 2011, 3:19 pm

      “Where are the men who are willing to be in the same room as me while we can both read a book”

      OMG, I think you are my soul-sister !

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      • moonflowers August 17, 2011, 8:32 pm

        My ex banned me from going to the library because he complained that me being in the same *building* was too distracting to him. The one time I did end up studying next to him, he kept poking me and trying to pass notes. And we were both 20 already!

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      Budjer August 17, 2011, 3:25 pm

      I only get intense with cuddling and discussions up until / shortly after sex…I can’t stand being on the phone all the time….and if I could replace reading a book with other things I like to do in my apt when I don’t have to pay attention to anyone then here is one of those guys and I can’t name one of my guy friends that is like what you described….where are you finding your boy friends? haha.

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    • Amy August 17, 2011, 5:08 pm

      I’m dating a guy JUST like what you say you are wanting – and it’s SO nice! I hate feeling smothered – and there are way more men like that that I’d have ever imagined (personal experience and that of my girlfriends). Things are going well with this guy though – 3 or 4 months since we started dating and it’s very comfortable and it’s been a long time since I’ve had such good warm feelings about someone… no I love yous on either side… but I feel fine with that until one of my friends or family members start hassling me about it.

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    • Painted_lady August 17, 2011, 7:13 pm

      I feel like in that movie “The Sweetest Thing” (highly recommend it if you haven’t seen it – just stupid fun, but fun no less) where Cameron Diaz’s character has this dream sequence about the guy she’s crushing on and offers to go down on him. His response is, “Guys don’t actually like that very much. It’s just a dirty rumor that got started years ago.” Except it’s in the crazy over-the-top romance department where women really did have that dirty rumor started. Painted_dude initially did the clingy, intense thing on me, and then I kind of went a little spazztastic on him and told him he was smothering me. Turns out the vast majority of it – talking each night, sappy texts, etc, he did because he thought that was what I wanted. I don’t know who told him that, but he’s much more sane now. And he was relieved.

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  • haggith August 17, 2011, 2:36 pm

    Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
    Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.
    Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.
    Donald Kaufman: I remember that.
    Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn’t know at all. You seemed so happy.
    Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.
    Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?
    Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn’t have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
    Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.
    Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That’s what I decided a long time ago.
    (Adaptation, the movie)

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  • Meepa August 17, 2011, 4:35 pm

    I yhikn there can be things like love at first sight. Me and my current guy met when we worked together at a pet and garden store. For my end of it I saw him and knew from then on I wanted him in my life and I didn’t know his name lol. He says he felt the same way about me too, but I’m not him so can only go by what he said since I’m no mind reader…

    Anyways at the time he had a GF and shortly after that I got a BF so timing wasn’t great but we still remained friends. When he broke up with his ex I was the one he called to talk to about what happened and such. He called because he knew I could talk to him as a friend and put my feelings aside to try and help him be happy, cuz I’d rather he had been happy and us be friends rather than not having him around.
    Well shortly after his break up was for sure I went to see him at work (my job at the place was seasonal his was permanent) to make sure he was doing ok. Well when I went to hug him goodbye there was the strongest urge ever to kiss him! Never ever in my life felt that before! But I had to stop myself because I was still with my BF at the time. And boy it was like I had to have the strength of 20 horses to stop myself from kissing him! But we also understood that we couldn’t be cheaters so we left it alone. Still talked as friends but never mentioned our desire for each other because neither of us wanted to be a cheater.

    Well more time goes and I’m the one calling him cuz my BF at the time dumped me rather harshly. Four days of no talking then dumped me saying I had a lack of trust going… HE expected life or death trust levels after 10 months where as I think it takes time to get to that point but he never saw it like that. So anyhow I call my now BF up and he came over right away and we went for coffee and just talked while sitting in a park til he had to go get his kids. And for some months after that he gave me room to get over the hurt but still gently let me know even after all this time he was interested in dating me. Now we’re both happy as can be that we’re able to freely be together ^^

    It’s not to say it’s all roses and butterflies but it’s real and we bring our concerns to each other. And we’re about to endure some changes he’s going to a kosher diet and looking into a religion change XD but I also know those are his decisions and can’t stop him from looking into them. But for me the biggest issue will not be the religion change if he does decide to go for it but rather the diet change… I can barely cook normal dishes as it is now I gotta learn kosher recipes XD

    As for the first love bit? I think that one is an important one because it’s your first time learning how to cope and handle changes while being with someone. It marks many firsts, some we don’t see til later, of how to be in a good relationship. So all said and done I don’t think you can ever fully forget the first relationship you had but you can get over the hurt of the break up and move on to hopefully better people in your love life. For someone to say forget that would be like telling a child to forget lessons learned in grade school. It’s a part of your life and lessons in life and quite frankly can’t be expected to just forget it even happened. It’s from those first lessons that we learn how much give and take relationships need and who, or type of person, we desire to share a life with.

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  • Britannia August 17, 2011, 4:14 pm

    Whenever I think of “love at first sight”, I think of Jay from Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back and the scene where he falls in love with Justice…


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    • Britannia August 17, 2011, 4:15 pm

      Warning: NSFW

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  • Sara August 17, 2011, 5:23 pm

    The bf was the first one to say the three little words, about 6 months into our relationship. I remember it exactly: we were watching a movie at his apt, and I was half laying on him. He just sort of said it out of the blue while he was playing with my hair. And then I did the most terrible thing–I ignored him! I pretended to be asleep. He didn’t bring it up for probably a few weeks, and I was glad. It was really early for me, and I didn’t really (at the time) have any feelings for him other than physical attraction and general likeness. Then all of a sudden one day, it just hit me–I loved him! I know it sounds really corny, but I just woke up one day and realized I was super in love with my bf. It’s been 2+ years, and he still teases me about the initial I love you shut-down I gave him!

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  • Temaira August 17, 2011, 5:32 pm

    I thought that I had been in love twice but its truly only been once. I fell fast for my first love and when it ended I was very heartbroken. It was hard but I got through it, I wouldn’t say I carried a torch for them but I did wonder what if. I found out the answer last year actually and thank god that it ended when it did, I’m much better off without them. The second time, I also fell very fast, things just seemed to click and it was great. I had never felt so comfortable around someone besides my family and even then it was a different kind of comfortable. Unfortunately we started dating during a hard time for both of us, and then on top of that a lot of tragic things happened and the strain was too much. This breakup has been very hard as well but its also been good for me, I’ve learned so much about myself and him and life. In my next relationship I hope to fall just as hard and who knows who it will be (;

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  • Avatar photo

    bittergaymark August 17, 2011, 8:42 pm

    I honestly don’t buy the results of this study….

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    • PFG-SCR August 17, 2011, 9:29 pm

      It should really be viewed in conjunction with the study that men use the L-word to get laid. Wendy had a post on it earlier this summer:

      Now does it make more sense?

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  • AliceInDairyland August 17, 2011, 10:55 pm

    I don’t think anyone has talked about this yet… But I draw a really firm distinction between “loving” someone, and falling “in love.” What exactly that distinction is I am having a really hard time describing, but I do think they are separate concepts. I have loved 2 men, but only been in love once. And I don’t think it is one of those retrospective deals…

    I loved my first boyfriend. I guess to me that meant that I would always want the very best for him, and that I would do anything reasonable in order to help him achieve that. I cared about him deeply, and I still do. However I also knew that he wasn’t a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and that though we got along well we weren’t an absolute perfect match. Yes, we dated for 2 years through highschool. I am a bit too cynical of a female to get all lovey-dovey-highschool-crazy about boys unfortunately. But we grew up together, learned from each other… I learned what to do right and how to do things wrong in a relationship and I will always love and cherish him for that.

    Now, my current relationship I also love my boyfriend. But I am also IN love with him, which is a feeling I have never felt before. I am very much a person who has driven, super-high-expectation and goals for my life. Yet I know I would do just about anything for this guy in order to make his life better, even if it was not in my best interests. I am willing to SACRIFICE a number of things (though he has never had me sacrifice anything… don’t worry!). I could see myself spending the rest of my life together with him as a partner, a best friend, and a lover. I think being in love with someone means really giving someone a part of your heart and soul, knowing that if they could absolutely crush you.

    Basically, I am rambling. But being IN love is absolutely terrifying to me, anyone else freaked out and elated at being so absolutely vulnerable? And also being in charge of someone else’s heart!

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    • Painted_lady August 17, 2011, 11:27 pm

      Seconded! I like your distinction – there’s romantic love and then there’s affectionate love. There are a lot of people who argue that they’re the same, but having been IN love with men I didn’t actually like when you got right down to it, much less really, truly love, I feel completely different with Painted_dude. He’s honestly my favorite person, and I loved him before I was in love with him, so yeah, it’s new-ish and more than a little scary!!!!

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  • Marta January 20, 2020, 10:13 am

    In my opinion, if you really love him, it doesn’t matter the distance or the time you spend without seeing him. You could also have thought about moving either of them or looking for alternatives. Finally, I also think that there is a time when you love someone too much, you forget to say “I love you” but the “I love you” cannot be forced

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