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March 6, 2023 at 7:36 am #1118987

It really is an addiction. 100% feels like an addiction. I am a very different person when he’s around compared to when he is not.

I don’t think anybody would take me seriously that I feel like that for someone I haven’t been physically close to.

I would be worried he would be in danger so gradually I set him as a priority. Like, while I was at work, he would say he was suicidal etc so I missed days like that because I was scared to hell he was going to do something irreversible. And then it happened when I slept. And I woke up and I felt so guilty for falling asleep and after a while I was scared that he was going to be dead when I woke up so, more or less, I stopped sleeping. I was scared all the time. If I couldn’t get to my phone, I would have an ugly panic attack. Have fainted a couple of times because of how things were.

I felt responsible. I feel responsible. He is not interested in me as an actual person. I am not lying to myself about that. I think I’ve been more like a venting place or something like that.

The only therapy I can have access to is half a year away, but I have a box of antidepressants and a couple more prescriptions of them that I’ve been scared to start taking.

I feel guilty at everything I do because he used to tell me I would replace him and all that.

Maybe I will try the medication? Probably I will try alone. I think the medication will only cause further problems.

Sometimes we need a harsh talk.