after all… he ended up leaving me in a horrible way, after telling me over and over and over to die . i cant even know if he’s online, i cant see if he’s there, i have no way to know he is even alive . which is what messes me up way more because it’s like he … died. I’ve lost people but i can still check up on them in small ways . I can still see them around, i can still check their profiles and updates they post. I lost my best friend about 4 years ago and i still check her socials just to see how she’s doing. even though i was never a codependent with her. Him? I always begged, always begged. no self worth, nothing .
he made sure i can know absolutely nothing about him . i begged him, as usual , i cried as usual, i asked him to not take all the control off me, as usual, i had horrible panic attacks, as usual, but when i couldn’t breathe, he straight out told me to suffocate and die
alone, again. this time, way way more damaged , both physically and internally, and with more horrible memories because ive really associated everything that’s physically around me, with him . i want to believe that some time I’ll stop crying
but that’s just life, right?
thank you for listening