Reply To: Anxiety when my boyfriend goes out

You say you can see a future with this man, and he likes to talk about all the things he is going to do with you in the future. But the thing about the future is it doesn’t actually exist, and so you can make it into anything you want in your mind. You are imagining a future in which you trust him. One in which he is committed to you. And sure, in that made-up world, you would be happy. But that isn’t the world you live in and it probably never will be.

So look at what does exist — the present and the past. In the past, this guy has cheated on literally everyone he dates. In the present, you don’t trust him, and his behavior (which may or may not be completely innocent) sends you into panic attacks. You are going to GREAT lengths to convince us why THIS relationship is different for him, but nothing you say here makes it sound different. Honestly it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself more than us. So what if he talks about the future? It’s really really easy to talk about the future, and most untrustworthy people are skilled at spinning a good tale about how great things are going to be “some day.” It’s how they keep you hanging on without actually doing the work to become trustworthy people.

I once heard a great piece of advice. “If things stayed exactly the same as they are now, how long would you stay in this? Five years? 10 years?” Stop waiting for a future that may never happen and look at yourself now. You are dating someone you don’t trust and you are utterly miserable whenever he goes out, to the point of freaking out and panicking. That is not a healthy relationship. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Because as it stands, that seems the most likely scenario for the future.