Reply To: Am I being too pushy on dates? I could use some advice.

Anonymousse: I obviously cannot know what 100% consent is… but do you see how that actually plays into my argument a bit? I really do think sex/hookups/consent is complex. The more I think about this… I really don’t think I did anything (with a capital “w”) WRONG. And I think this way because… a lot of people I sleep with on dates are A-okay with it and we go out again and end things for different reasons.

Food for thought: If she is the only one who initiates… how would she know that I consented? If she doesn’t want to initiate for that reason alone… what should she do? Someone has to initiate… and I don’t think you ever really know for certain that the person has consented. And I actually think that’s okay and a part of dating and sex and hookups. There is a little risk sometimes. And I think figuring out what went wrong when it happens to try to minimize that is a good thing to do. I’ve heeded the advice: don’t ask twice because it runs the risk of being pushy (even though Wendy also said… it might not!). But I think it’s tricky for any party to initiate. If your advice is to wait 3 dates because that’s good… why? That’s still not a fullproof way of making sure your partner is fully onboard. You would run into the same issues of consent.

I’m honestly going to continue to hookup with people on first dates if I feel it’s consensually given. And sometimes, like this one, I could be wrong. And I think that’s okay. I think there’s nothing wrong with first date hookups and I don’t believe relationships and first-date hookups are at odds. Again, all 4 of my year+ relationships started with a first date hookup. But it is hard to fully know how the recipient feels about it and maybe that’s why to be hesistent or at least, accept the consequences. I guess I sort of feel that the following things are consistent:

1. Sometimes dates end with a bad hookup
2. It’s nobody’s fault.

The only thing I might backtrack is that I probably actually thought the consent level was quite high… higher than whatever bar I needed… and probably above 60%. Before you laugh and point… what is the right number? And how do you get it if you can’t rely on questions and asking and verbal consent. That’s… why I was surprised tbh after our date and came to here to chat. I will say…. I can see how maybe asking twice was pushy… but maybe that the real reason was that there just wasn’t enough emotional or physical chemistry on our date. Or maybe it was whiskey dick