Reply To: Rekindled with ex, but she is friends with all her exes and people she has dated

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May 12, 2023 at 12:28 pm #1120338

Well, her (let’s call her Tina) and I have had some friendly conversations about it now. We agreed to disagree as we simply have different ways of viewing it.
Back in the days (almost 20 years ago) when I was with her, she was very upset that my ex-girlfriend (let’s call her Maria) at the time, who I have a daughter with, would take my daughter to go visit my mom. At the time I lived here in the USA and my daughter and her mom + my mom, lived in Europe. So, I couldn’t just take my daughter to visit my mom myself. Tina and I lived here in the USA and she was very upset about Maria visiting my mom. She insisted that Maria was using my mom in attempt to get back with me. There was zero chance of me getting back with Maria. I had no interest in it at all. Also, Maria showed no signs, or ever told me, that she wanted to get back with me. She simply wanted our daughter to have a relationship with my mom.

Now the situation is more or less reversed except Tina’s ex-boyfriend (Let’s call him Max) does want to get back with Tina. And Max’s son is not Tina’s son at all. In fact Max entered into a new relationship after Tina broke up with him. I believe Max’s girlfriend ended the relationship with him because she realized he had feelings for Tina, who always was in the picture because of his son. The real mom to the son got along fine with Tina. At least that’s what Tina told me.

I don’t really feel jealous. I trust Tina doesn’t want to be with Max and that she wants to be with me. Her and I have had an abusive relationship when we were together in the past. We spent a LOT of time being insecure and putting each other down. Now many years later we have talked through all of that and we know where we went wrong.
We didn’t divorce because of jealousy. We were deeply madly and passionately in love with each other. But we had no clue how to communicate during conflicts.
We both look back and know we didn’t divorce because we didn’t love each other. We divorced because we were hurting each in a game of blame/defense and push/pull, which became toxic.
We still are going through some arguments but we handle it much different now we are “adults” and have had other experiences. We have grown individually. So, now when we have a disagreement, it might get somewhat heated, but we always come out better with each other in the end.
Tina even told me she often feel closer to me after an argument. In the past she would feel more distant to me.

My concern is not that Tina would cheat on me or break up with me to be with Max. I trust Tina 100%.
What I don’t like is that Max keep trying to hit on her and is using his son as a toll to get back with her. As long as he has a hope, I don’t believe he can move on. I could care less about that, but I feel Tina should cut the tie, thus allowing him to move on and find love elsewhere. It would in some way be the loving thing to do towards the son too, as the son is in the middle.
Also what I don’t like is, that Tina defends Max by saying “I don’t want to get back with him and he is just trying”. She claims that Max is jealous of me, which tells me she is still talking with him and not just the son.
And then there’s this: How about Max meeting someone new? How is that girl find her space in all of this? The last girl ended the relationship with Max because of her son’s relationship with Tina and Max’s indirect contact with, and feelings for, Tina.

Essentially I look at it as Tina being selfish knowing she could stop all of this.
She is hanging on to an ex’s son because she liked the kid.
The kid is in the middle of everything.
The dad (Max) wants to be with Tina.
I’m uncomfortable with Max’s intentions and so was Max’s girlfriend.

Tina wouldn’t have to cut the tie overnight. She simply could just little by little let the son go and then she could stay away focusing on her other friends (she has a lot), her family, herself and her relationship with me.
I think Tina is holding on to Max’s son, because she never had children herself and really dreamed of it. She is now too old to be able to have kids on her own.
But she has youngsters in her near family she sees and loves. Why not give them her affection instead of an ex’s son.

All of this said: She admitted she wouldn’t have liked had I kept in touch with her family during the years her and I was apart. Reason being; because she knew I loved her and wanted to save our marriage. She said that for her to move on she wanted to cut all ties to me…
So, why not cut the ties to her ex to allow him to move on?
Maybe she does not want to move on from him after all?