Reply To: Not Sorry He’s Dying

Adding on to Kate – this deference is a defense mechanism – it is easier to simply cater to his nonsense than deal with his hysterical fits. It’s also likely protection for your MIL who has to deal with him alone all the time.

I like Wendy’s suggestion – give your light to the people like your husband who will likely feel both sadness and relief and guilt for feeling relief.

I spend a lot of time with women in their 80’s. Things I’ve learned include getting rid of the evidence of sickness as quickly as possible. When my dad died I immediately called the medical rental places to have all of the equipment picked up – the lift, the bed, etc. I found a charity that would take all of the unopened supplies and purchased equipment like wheelchairs and brought it over as soon as possible. When my uncle passed, I was there when the home picked him up and I spoke with the agent to have all of the equipment picked up. It sounds callous, but the goal was to get rid of the signs that end of life was due to illness so that the focus could be on family. Talk to your husband about this too.

Keep in touch with your MIL – she’s going to need help. Keep an ear out for comments about his stuff and cleaning out the house. You can go in and clean out all the closets, the drawers, etc and get it all to a charity shop with little emotion. You’re not getting rid of him, just some of the stuff he left behind that isn’t needed now. You can also get your MIL out to social events just to keep her busy and remind her that she’s now able to do all the things she wanted to do but couldn’t do before like taking a flower arranging course or volunteering at the library or whatever.

And secretly in your deepest heart, it’s ok to be ok that he’ll be gone soon and everyone’s lives will be easier.