Thank you everyone for your kind of thoughtful comments. I was afraid to come back and check the responses because I was certain I’d been eviscerated. I’m bowled over by your understanding and am feeling much better about this overall. The practical suggestions of concrete steps I can take – helping to remove medical equipment, clean out the house – are particularly helpful, thank you LisforLeslie.
I would never, ever let on that I’m not sad when he passes. I do gently tell my MIL – when she’s in tears in front of me – that the way he treats her is not right, and express my disapproval with my husband after I witness behaviour that upset me. That is as far as I will go.
@bloodymediocrity, I may have misspoke. He doesn’t think it’s funny to make kids cry – he gets annoyed and frustrated when his teasing leads to crying. He wants my daughter’s attention but doesn’t understand how to interact with young children and thinks she is overreacting. He was not around when his own children were young (he emigrated to Canada and worked to afford to bring his family over here), so he’s had very limited experience with kids. If he was deliberately making her cry, I would not subject her to him.
You hit the nail on the head that he doesn’t think about how his behaviour affects others. He blames my daughter for crying – the problem is always her reaction, never his teasing. When he yells, it’s always other people’s fault, they made him angry. He expects others to accommodate him but is never willing to compromise or consider others.