Reply To: My husband is awful to me and I don’t understand why

You want to know why he behaves like this because you think if you can identify the cause, you can solve the problem. But it’s not your problem to solve. I can see why you think it is, since he has done a great job of convincing you that his bad behavior is all your fault. But it isn’t.

You will feel incredibly free when you finally accept that it’s not your responsibility to fix another person and, even if it was, it’s not in your control anyway. You will feel like an elephant has been lifted off your shoulders when you stop taking responsibility for his life, his actions, and his emotions.

There are many possible reasons why he treats you this way, but the only important truth is that he abuses you and you don’t deserve it. It doesn’t matter WHY he does it — you don’t deserve it. It’s HIS job to figure out why he behaves the way he does and how to fix himself. But you are under no obligation to put up with his abuse waiting for him to decide to do that. And frankly, he never will decide to do it as long as you keep putting up with his abuse.

Here’s what you can do. Find yourself a therapist to talk through what is happening to you and why you feel the need to take responsibility for your abuser’s behavior. Work out a plan for how to leave safely, preferable with guidance from a domestic violence hotline or agency. Some abusers get more dangerous when their victims try to leave. And then…get out and live your own life without the shackles of trying to live your husband’s life for him while he fights you every step of the way.