Reply To: When is the right time to tell someone I’m dating that I was conceived of
https://dearwendy.com/__trashed-2/
You deserved to have been assured at every opportunity how separate you are from your biological father and how little his genes have to do with who you are. His only contribution to who you are is some DNA, and that’s not what makes a person. You are not denying anyone the totality of who you are as a person by withholding details of your conception. It has nothing to do with who you are, and it’s no one else’s business; you’re under zero obligation to share this information – not before you have sex with someone and not after. The girlfriend who left you after you told her and who said that you should have told her sooner was cruel and immature and showed a poor level of empathy, even for a high school kid. I’m sorry that happened to you.
If you want to give women a reason for waiting a while for sex, you can address the topic without sharing such intimate family details early on. This is ultimately a trust issue and you can say: “I know I may wait longer than you might expect or want, but please know it isn’t because I don’t want it. But building up trust first is really important to me and I’m enjoying doing that with you.” Not only would any woman you’d want to date seriously understand and appreciate it, I think it would even turn many of them on.
I would not share the details of your conception until you have lots and lots of trust built with someone first. I don’t know how long that would take. I would think at least a few months. It might not happen until long after you have sex. It doesn’t matter – it’s entirely your decision about when or even whether to share this information, and having sex should not be contingent on it.
You’re right to think that sharing the details of your conception this early on could scare someone off, but maybe not for the reason you think. It’s not because of your genes, but because sharing something so intimate and personal before trust is built-up is a little bit of a red flag. It comes across as desiring to push the relationship forward at an accelerated pace, and that can be a turn-off to a lot of people – especially well-adjusted ones.
If it’s in your budget, I would highly recommend working threw off of this including your mother’s death, with a professional counselor or therapist. There’s a lot to unpack, and so much of it is related to your perception of yourself and how you identify. Getting a tighter grip on those things will make you more attractive to potential partners and better-equipped to navigate and foster healthy relationships going forward.
