Reply To: “How to keep my family safe from said friend’s violent partner”

Have you said to him that there is no circumstance in which you are going to downplay abuse and joke about it? I’m sure there is some sort of clinical term for what he’s doing: He knows that this is serious. He doesn’t want to leave Trevor. He’s scared, sad and not yet ready to admit that Trevor is an abuser and that he, Dante, is a victim of abuse. So he is trying to make it a joke so that he gets affirmation that this is not serious and will blow over. That’s what he’s begging you for right now. I don’t think I need to say it but for the sake of being clear DO NOT GIVE HIM THIS. Do not allow him to downplay this.

I recommend having a quiet moment with him to say this very clearly – it is not possible for you to make jokes about abuse and violence. That you recognize that he’s struggling, but that you will not lie to him and say that this is nothing. You can say that when he is ready to address this problem you’ll be there. Until then, jokes about emotional and physical violence are a boundary for you. Also Trevor is not welcome in your home or near your child. Until he has control of his emotions, you refuse to take that risk. He may separate himself – it’s easier to let you down. If so, do your best to check in on occasion and let Dante know you care and that you hope he’s ok.

DV resources are a little harder for men, but they are out there.