I have a feeling therapy would be better than an online forum for you. I think this likely has to do with how you received and were modeled love in your early life and childhood. Perhaps you were made to work for it, so you believe if you’re not receiving it, it’s your fault and you should try harder. He’s not leaving his wife. This is not a relationship, it’s literally just sex, not dates, and he’s mean to you. It has zero long term potential. Why do you ask for so little, amd settle for even less than that? This is for a professional.
He’s married. I can’t even see how you could date someone for a month or more and not even ask if they are in a relationship?