Reply To: In Love with an Asshole

Most of those things he said to you, I don’t see as “mean,” I think he was very clearly and openly telling you that this is just sex, he sees you as a sex partner and nothing more, and isn’t going to leave his wife. And then it was up to you to decide if you were going to stick around on those terms or not.

Now I don’t know if, for the first month, he was doing that love-bombing thing that narcissists do and actively trying to deceive you. It doesn’t sound like he lied to you, he just clammed up and you didn’t ask the right questions. You need to ask a lot of questions up front in a relationship so that you can decide to move forward based on real information, more so than a fantasy where your brain fills in a bunch of blanks. And if you uncover information like he’s married, you need to cut ties completely and walk away.

Why it hurt so bad is that you let yourself make up a fantasy and “fall in love” with that, and then you didn’t want to let the fantasy go. In reality this guy is just a dirtbag, but that’s hard to accept.

Yes, therapy, to talk through this with someone who understands dirtbags and can help you uncover the reasons you’re attracted to them.