You don’t know how to properly set boundaries and decide how if at all you’ll engage and with whom. You seem to think you can DIY this after at least half a lifetime of abuse and isolation. With a little help from a message board where you’re not even honest with us so we don’t really know what’s going on. This isn’t working. Literally it’s a therapist’s job to help you with this. Be honest, why aren’t you working with one? You have a job. You have health insurance. There’s typically some amount of therapy that’s covered. There are less costly options like Better Health. Why are you not doing it?