Reply To: BPD Mother Adding Stress to Early Pregnancy

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LisforLeslie
February 6, 2024 at 6:57 am #1128034

I don’t think confronting your mom is going to have any positive effect here. Your mom is not rational and has more issues than a comic book store.

In my family we politely listen to the other person and then do whatever it was that you were going to do in the first place. While you’re listening to the person ramble on about all of the things that you should be doing, you just go to your happy place until they tucker out. You nod politely, say non committal things like “That’s an interesting thought, I’ll have to consider that.” or “I hadn’t seen the situation from that perspective” or “mmm-ok” none of these things are actual agreements. We love one another, but we also recognize that we’re all adults now and we each have to make our own choices. And we totally call one another out when we get stonewalled – but all we can do is shrug our shoulders and say “got it – I’ll stop”. And if it really goes into areas that are not up for discussion we may throw a “this conversation is over” or “we’re not having this conversation.” and the rules are you gotta shut the fuck up at that point. You can’t push, even if you want to.

Look up grey-rocking – start practicing this with your mom. She’s an adult, responsible for her own emotional well being. You are going to be a parent, your attention needs to turn to the small human who has absolutely no concept of emotional well being and it’s your job (and your husband’s job) to make sure the kid is taken care of and is safe both physically and emotionally. If that means limiting your crazy-ass needy mom – so be it.

I’m going to ask a weird question and I may be totally wrong here – but go with it. During these conversations, does your mom push you until you are crying or yelling or exhibiting some sort of extreme emotion? If so, that’s her control. That’s her way of making sure that you still care about her. If you didn’t get upset, it would prove you didn’t care. If she’s doing that, it’s because she needs to damage you to prove to herself that you still care. Kind and loving people don’t damage one another like this. I’m not saying my family is perfect, but I like that we are allowed boundaries.