Reply To: Ended an Unhealthy Relationship and Having a Hard Time Letting Go

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Kate
February 18, 2024 at 6:49 am #1128202

I was in an 8 year on and off relationship, after a failed 7-year marriage in my 20s, and I’ve been moderating this site and reading letters like yours for over 10 years, so I have some subject matter expertise.

No, there is not a possibility of you two being in a peaceful, healthy, loving relationship. When you have a big blowup and break up, that’s when you feel like omg I feel such intense feelings for this person, and I think we could make it work if we somehow managed to come at it the right way.

But of course what happens is every time you they again it gets worse. You get addicted to the highs you feel sometimes based on that fake sense of potential, and how good it feels temporarily when you decide to try to make it work. You convince yourself you have this very special bond, because that must be true if you keep finding your way back to each other, right?

No. It’s just an unhealthy pattern you get stuck in and have to break free. I have to say, you sound obsessed and in a bad place mentally. This guy has asked you repeatedly to leave him alone. The right thing to do is leave him alone. It’s not loving or kind to continually bombard him with messages about trying again. You’re not doing this because you have a big heart and so much love. You’re doing it because you feel depressed, obsessed, desperate, and out of control, and you just want to feel better.

The only way out IS through. I will say, I was always the one doing the breaking up, and eventually I’d reach a tipping point where I’d be like, wow, no more, I can’t stand this guy. You haven’t reached that point and I don’t know what it would take. But I strongly recommend getting some help for your depression. From the school clinic? Your doctor? Stop contacting this guy. Block him everywhere. Focus on your classes. Hang out with friends. Find another guy to get obsessed with if that snaps you out of it. But I promise you there’s no chance here. Do you want to find that out after wasting a few more years? Fine, keep doing what you’re doing. Or do you want to get healthy?