Reply To: The wounds are still fresh

Hi. You wrote in before, right? Is this the same man in your neighborhood that you saw infrequently, slept with twice, and who would disappear after? If so… I mean… is the outcome really that surprising? Don’t get me wrong, I have been ghosted before (multiple times! Including by a neighbor I had a fling with and I, too, saw him around after!) and it does hurt. But it seems like you knew he would let you down and continued to allow him access to you. Why?

I’ve not been in your shoes exactly before, but there was one time that I got cheated on that was pretty bad… he was the second boyfriend in a row to cheat on me, and he immediately moved on with the other woman. They married pretty swiftly. My self-esteem tanked. I felt unworthy. I felt ugly. I was depressed for… awhile. By myself, and also eventually with the help of a therapist, I learned to tell myself a new narrative. When I’d catch myself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” I’d pause and then tell myself a different story. I’d remind myself that I was enough, that my ex’s treatment of me said far more about him than it ever would about me, that I want and deserve someone who can communicate even through uncomfortable conversations. I really think you need to work on your self esteem and highly recommend doing so with a therapist. I don’t see your dating life improving unless and until you let go of these very negative beliefs you have about yourself. And hey, maybe you won’t look like an Instagram model, but you can do things to make yourself feel good and confident. Wear clothes that you like that flatter you. Style your hair, wear some mascara. If you want an engaging life, literally start anywhere… sign up for a class, search for MeetUp groups with people who have shared interests, volunteer.

Also, you have no clue if this guy is unaffected or even happy. For starters, happy good people don’t treat others how he treated you. The cheating ex I mentioned? Yeah, I could tell for literal years that he AND his now-wife were creeping my social media in a way that wasn’t normal. Even after I’d blocked him, some weird stuff continued online. Like five years after we broke up, Instagram came out with stories and his wife watched every last story I posted for months. (LOL.) What all of this means about their relationship or them as individuals, IDK, I have no way of knowing their inner world… but it did feel like proof that they were both also affected for a long time. Stop worrying about whether this guy is happy or not. Odds are he’s kinda fucked up like the rest of us.