Reply To: “I Feel Lost and Friendless After My Divorce”

Please set up an appointment with a mental health professional to talk about how you feel and your suicidal ideations, LW! Talk therapy can be safe space for you to unpack your emotions around your divorce, move, and friendships and a resource for learning how to flip the script with those negative thoughts. It will also provide a forum to discuss the possibility of something like medication for your depression.

I’ve never been divorced, but creeping up on a decade ago, I moved to a new city on the heels of a breakup that absolutely gutted me. I loved that life had given me an opportunity for the freshest of fresh starts in a city I was very excited about living in. But, as it sounds like you are learning, blowing up your life and starting over again with a blank slate can be a lonely experience. You don’t mention how old you are, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed the shift in people’s responsibilities and priorities that affect friendships.

If it’s helpful, here are my general tips for trying to find your people as an adult, particularly when you’re new to town:
– Build a routine that you like
– Reach out to old acquaintances and friends of friends
– Whatever your interests are, find groups for them… this is where you’re most likely to find your people. For me, that looked like small group fitness classes, book clubs, alumni association events, volunteering at animal shelters, and finding “new in town” meetup groups. I also went to a DW meetup when I was brand new to town!
– Try to plan one thing every weekend to look forward to, even if that one thing is alone.
– If friendships aren’t serving you, don’t be afraid to scale back or move on.
– If you vibe with someone, you can ask them on a “friend date” and it’s not weird. You might even find someone like me who was once a transplant and knows what it’s like so goes out of her way to try to include anyone she learns is new in town.

When I got a dog a few years into living in my city, I actually started meeting a lot of people. There was park near me where I’d go after work with my then-puppy, lots of neighborhood dog owners did the same, and I’d see the same faces there regularly. I even met and had a fling with a handsome neighbor after meeting because we both had dogs! (He turned out to be a dud, but that is beside the point.)

Good luck. I do think things will get better for you, LW.