Reply To: “Advice Needed for Longtime Friend’s Change in Behavior”

I think Wendy is spot on: she loves being miserable and she loves bringing everyone to her level. If she whines about 50 year old grievances and you apologize, it “proves” you still care for her.

You have three choices:
1. Ghost her, be less available, fade out. It doesn’t sound like you talk often, and this might be the easiest path.
2. Keep doing what you’re doing. It changes nothing but you have a different view point.
3. The next time she complains about your behavior say something along the lines of “You know, the last few times we’ve talked (or gotten together) you’ve made a point of rehashing where you feel I’ve let you down. You seem to be holding onto a lot of resentment and I just feel that if I bring that much pain and negativity into your life, perhaps it’s best that I leave you alone.” She’ll protest of course but you can just keep with how she’s made it very clear that you keep hurting her (unintentionally) because you are prioritizing your children and grandchildren and if she can’t take joy from your joy then perhaps it’s best you leave this trouble behind.