“She’s Forcing a Friendship I Don’t Want”
When my husband and Greg first became friends, the four of us would socialize together fairly regularly. I liked Sarah well enough, but was shocked when, two months after I met her and a week after Greg proposed, she asked me to be her maid-of-honor. I declined the role, but agreed to be a bridesmaid instead, although even that, felt inappropriate.
The following few years have been more of the same, with Sarah trying to force intimacy between us, and it’s making me miserable. She invited herself into my wedding party, constantly refers to us as “sisters” and best friends, throws fits when I hang out with my girlfriends without inviting her along, uses the silent treatment to punish me regularly, and once every few months confronts me, asking if everything between us is OK because she hasn’t heard from me in a while. It was hard enough before; now, I’m newly pregnant and my husband and I have plenty of extra stress without me having to worry how to “handle” Sarah.
There must be a way to let her know that she needs to back off, right? I’ve already explained to her that although I value her friendship, I also have other relationships in my life; I’ve cut back on answering her phone calls and text messages in the hopes that she gets the picture; and I’ve told her that I don’t have time for much else in my life because of my pregnancy. But I can’t hide behind my baby forever. I’m worried that with all the extra hormones I have coursing through me, I’m going to snap and say something to her that will effectively end the friendship, which would then end the friendship between our husbands, and I really don’t want to do that to mine. Please, help me figure out how to deal with this without wrecking my husband’s friendship! — Stressed by Aggressive Friend
When I read your list of complaints concerning Sarah — she invited herself into your wedding party, constantly refers to you as “sisters” and best friends, throws fits when you hang out with your girlfriends without inviting her along, uses the silent treatment to punish you regularly, and once every few months asks if everything between you is OK — I can’t help but think most of these issues are opportunities for you to draw some boundaries.
Like, when she invited herself into your wedding, why didn’t you just say “no”? It was your wedding. And when she asked you to be in to be in her wedding, you could have made a gentle excuse. It might feel a little awkward, maybe you’ll have some guilt or other unpleasant feeling associated with boundary-setting, but the upside is – hopefully – less pressure going forward from Sarah pushing intimacy between you that you don’t want.
As for her getting angry when you hang out with other friends, how does she know when you’ve hung out with other friends? Do you tell her? Does your husband tell her husband? Do you post an update on social media about everything you do? Then, put a stop to all of that. Quit giving her a way to keep tabs on your personal life. Set some boundaries. Protect your personal time. And when she uses the “silent treatment” to punish you, count your blessings.
If you’re already at a point when you’re avoiding her calls and texts, shouldn’t you be welcoming a little silent treatment? I don’t get the issue. And I don’t get the issue when Sarah asks if everything’s OK between you. That’s your chance to say, “Actually, I’m feeling overwhelmed by a host of stresses and obligations in my life right now and I just don’t have the time or energy to be as emotionally available to you as you’d like. If we don’t talk for a few weeks, that doesn’t mean we have issues in our friendship. It only means I’m focusing on lots other things that demand my attention right now. Please don’t take it personally.”
And speaking of things that demand your attention, why can’t you hide behind your baby “forever”? Sure, he’s not always going to be a baby, but it’s not at all unusual for parents to kind of disappear a little bit from the friends they dearly love, simply because their child demands so much of their focus. So, if it’s a challenge for parents to carve time for the people they really want to see, I can imagine what a convenient excuse a child would give parents for fading away from the people they don’t care to see quite as much.
I think you’ll soon find that even your husband won’t have the time and energy he’s had in the past to do as much with Greg. And in that respect, maybe Sarah won’t take your limited availability so personally. But if she does? If she really gets her panties in a bunch when a new mother can’t drop everything to see her all the time, then that’s her problem and I wouldn’t waste your energy worrying about how that’s going to affect your husband’s relationship with her husband. Any decent human being isn’t going to dump a friend because his wife, who’s caring for a newborn, isn’t hanging out with his wife enough. That’s just ridiculous. And if Greg is the sort of guy who would pull a stunt like that, your husband would be better off making a new friend or two. Maybe you two should start or join a new parents group in your area…
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Why do you have to socialize as a couple? Isn’t this situation what a ‘boys night’ was built for? With the baby you can fade from friend to just friendly and leave the husbands to hang out on their own.
I guess I don’t see the big deal…Sarah obviously wants to be friends. Maybe she is more emotionally invested in the friendship than you are…but I hardly see that as making you “miserable” or evidence that she is “nuts.” I have met women that I have had a quick and fast connection without having known them for years and years. If she felt a connection with you in six months, why is that inappropriate that she asked you to be a bridesmaid?
I don’t know. Maybe Sarah should have taken a hint that you don’t want the kind of friendship with her that she wants with you…but I think you’re being a bit of a stick in the mud. She wants to be friends! I’m just getting that “Sarah isn’t worthy of being my friend and since she doesn’t get it, she’s obviously crazy!” vibe from you.
OMG, yes! I’m totally getting the “I’m just doing Sarah a favour by even giving her any of my time, why isn’t she totally grateful for my willingness to indulge her???” Especially the part where Sarah “forced” herself into the LW’s wedding party. SERIOUSLY? No, she didn’t. You told her it was okay. You didn’t say no. That’s ALL on you. You’re just trying to paint yourself as a martyr here.
Also, this letter raises so many questions.
-Have you and your husband undergone some sort of mind-meld? Is there no reason you can socialize separately every once in a while?
-why do you assume your husband’s friendship with Greg will end if your friendship with Sarah ends? This is what guy’s nights are for.
– why is your husband so bad at making friends?
– have YOU tried to make friends of your own, at all?
– have you stopped to consider that Sarah may be lonely? Did she move here recently? Is her family far away? Is her marriage unhappy? All those things might contribute to her neediness.
It’s too early in the morning for the self-righteousness in this letter.
No, her gut is telling her Sarah is an emotional parasite, and she should not ignore her gut. Neither should you.
Wendy’s right about how the baby will eat up your time. You really will have far less time to spend with friends and you will become picky about how you spend that time because it is much more precious. You will also probably become friends with other couples with young children and will have much less in common with friends who don’t have children. You will gravitate toward friends who have homes that are child friendly. The worst times we had with a toddler were when we went to a home that wasn’t child proofed and had to spend the entire evening following a toddler around to make sure they didn’t touch or break all of the photos and expensive decorations sitting on low tables. It is so exhausting to not be able to relax or sit down or talk with the people you are visiting. We would only go to a home like that once then would always make excuses and never go back. It’s also bad if you go to a home that has absolutely nothing for a young child to do. You can take along things for your child to do but the things you bring from home that they’ve already explored over and over don’t compete well with all the new things in the home you’re visiting, like their TV, stereo system and other electronics, so again it can be a tedious time with you doing nothing but vigilant child care while the person you visit, who has no children, thinks your child is horribly behaved. People with young children understand what young children are like and your visit can be fun and relaxing so having a child will change your social circle. You meet so many people through child centered activities that your social circle will grow rapidly once your child is big enough to take part in activities. But even before the baby is born you meet people through child birth classes who are at the same stage in life so you automatically have something in common.
…”I would be more than happy to count Sarah as one of my friends, and I would enjoy most of the time we spend together, if she would only put the brakes on this “best friend” thing which drives me crazy.”….
Why can’t you just say that to “her” ?
What? Just because your husband has a friend does not mean you are under any obligation to hang out with the friend’s wife. thats just stupid. if you don’t want to hang out with her than just politely decline her offers of hanging out. i can see the need to hang out once in awhile as a foursome or in a group, but i mean there is no law that states you have to be BFFs just because your husbands get along.
I almost never comment….but… I also have a friend who is like the one the letter writer describes. Since I met her, I realized that I would have to establish boundaries, as she lacks interpersonal skills and reading social cues (and tends to smoother!). I would definitely suggest being more verbal about what you want from the friendship, and laying out some ground rules. If she really is a lovely person like you say she is, your friendship will thrive when you hit a balance of what you BOTH can feel comfortable with. I meet up with my friend for a weekly walk. If she starts texting/emailing too much, I’ll just respond that I have lots to say too– and can’t wait to update her when we meet for our walk.
And it’s totally possible that the type of friendship you want, won’t be something she wants. But at least she won’t be stuck trying to read your “hints”, and she can try to expand her social circle without you.
LW, I get where you’re coming from, because I’ve been in similar situations. You need to learn to SPEAK UP. As Wendy pointed out, you have had many chances to explain yourself, and plenty of opprotunities to show her what kind of friendship you want. If you haven’t done that, then really the blame is on you at this point. personally I’ve had a hard time setting limits or explaining to people that the kind of relationship that they want to have with me is not one I can give to them, and when you don’t do this, you only suffer more in the long run. Just be honest. If you don’t want to be her BFF, don’t be, and if she questions you about it, be honest with her and explain that you really like hanging out with her socially, but that you have other relationships that are a priority to you that you really need to focus on.
LW,
Recognize that some people throw those endearing terms around more loosely than others (you don’t need to reciprocate, just not look awkard when she says them because that is a source of insecurity for her) and that the 6 month relationship in adult life may have been enough time to put you in the wedding party over her college friends she stopped talking to 3 – 10 years ago….
She probably has like 4 best friends….don’t put so much pressure into her labels of the relationship because it only can progress as far as you allow it to….maybe with that realization she will feel less suffocating.
I get the feeling that Sarah either has a really hard time making friends and is determined to make you her new BFF, or she had a falling out with her regular group of friends and is trying to make them jealous by parading you around. Either way, she sounds a little lonely and desperate.
I used to have a friend that sounds like Sarah (and her name was Sarah!) and drawing clear boundaries and making sure she respects them is key to handling friends like that. Good luck, LW, and congratulations on your soon-to-be newborn!
I can’t help but wonder if the LW has actually said anything to Sarah. Maybe the LW thinks she’s been dropping hints, but what about flat out telling her (nicely, of course)? I’m one of those people that doesn’t always pick up on hints and has to be told if I’m bothering someone.
LW, I sympathize with you here, I really do, but also…this whole letter is the reason why I’m so terrified every time I try to make a new friend. Seriously, it’s like my worst nightmare that I will one day find out I’m like “Sarah” and my friends don’t really like me and only tolerate my presence because they don’t want to be out-and-out rude.
So just think about that a little bit, ok?
Now, I do think that this lady is pushing herself on you, especially with the whole MOH after 2 months thing. Yes, that is a little weird.
But have you considered just giving in and embracing this friendship? I mean, really…maybe you should just *let* her be your friend. One of my very best friends started out our relationship annoying the s*** out of me, but I kept hanging out with her because we were in a foreign country and I didn’t know anyone else. Guess what? In less than two weeks I was over it and we’ve been super close ever since.
So I guess I would just advise you to MAKE A DECISION here. Either let Sarah be your friend, or tell her that you don’t want to be friends with her, but quit stringing her along and hating her behind her back. That’s just mean.
I’ve had friendships forced on me, and while I wasn’t “miserable” about it to begin with, they turned into one-sided toxic relationships that ended in very unpleasant friend-break-ups both times. I can understand how it’s hard to say no to someone being nice to you and wanting a positive relationship – but that, in my experience, has always been a sign that they were going to end up being a little…crazy. That’s just my experience!
I can empathize with the LW on this one. I’m not at all the touchy-feely, hey-let’s-be-besties-since-we’ve-known-each-other-2-hours type. I like having friends and I like making friends, but I dislike the sensation of forced intimacy. I also have a tendency to wander between friend groups, so my “bestie” today might not be someone I want to hang out with tomorrow.
However, I take control of the situation. There’s one in every group who gets clingy when you want to hang out with someone else; it’s pretty much inevitable. I always find a time to take them aside and explain (gently if possible, firmly if necessary) that the more they hang on to me, the more I want to dump them. If they really want to be my friend, they need to let go and have some faith that I’ll cycle back around to them when I’m ready. If they can’t trust me that far, why call themselves my friend? I’ve had to have this talk with a number of friends, a couple of whom later in life really did become my best friends–because they respected my boundaries, not because of their smothering persistance.
Incidentally, I can’t help but compare the LW’s situation to a scenario with a boyfriend moving too quickly. How would you respond then, and how is this different?
When you say “i can’t hide behind my baby forever” it made me think of you using your baby as a human shield. 🙂
The fact that Sarah asked you to be her MOH after knowing you for only two months indicates that she had no friends and no close relationship with any relatives. When someone is that isolated it indicates that they have trouble making and maintaining friendships. It sounds like she tries hard but the trouble is she comes on too strong and too hard. At the beginning of the relationship you don’t always realize that someone is going to push the friendship fast and furious so you don’t know that you will have to establish strict boundaries. So now you’re at the point where you need some strict boundaries but want to establish them in a positive, friendly, nonconfrontational way.
One thing you can do is to say that you’re needing more sleep, which is true, and that you have less time to go out so will be seeing her when you and your husband are out with her and her husband. If she wants to know why you go out with other friends without your husband you can tell her your husband isn’t friends with those other friend’s husbands/boyfriends and so you see them separately from your husband. Tell her you’re glad that you can see her and her husband as a couple because you enjoy seeing them with your husband. Let her know that the time you spend with them as a couple is special because it is different than the way you see your other friends.
As for the phone and texting you can tell her you’ve realized you are spending too much time on your phone and that other things in your life are suffering/being neglected and you’ve decided it would be healthier/more productive/whatever you want to say to not spend so much time using the phone. I had this happen with a friend where they called repeatedly every day and it kept disrupting what I was trying to get done. I had to tell them that I needed to get things done and couldn’t chat on the phone but was glad to talk to them in person when I saw them. Tell her you love talking to her in person because it is so much more personal than a text and that you look forward to being able to see her rather than doing it in such an impersonal way over the phone. You can also tell her you are turning the ringer off on your phone so that when you nap it won’t wake you. I have reached the point where I tell people I will not answer the phone during dinner or when I am helping my daughter with homework or if I’m in the middle of making dinner or when I have a limited amount of time to get a list of things done. Getting disrupted puts me behind on everything and if that is the case with you it is fine to tell her that.
So, try to be honest while also setting boundaries that work for both you and your husband. Be aware that you will also probably be resetting those boundaries soon after your baby is born and that’s fine. Life changes and so our needs change and so our boundaries change.
so it seems to me that the big question here is if you really honestly like this girl or not. i can totally understand liking someone, but not wanting see them every second of every day… i mean, i think that is called normal. thats not weird. so i think you just need to think about it really hard and try to figure out if this is a person that you honestly DONT want to see, ever. if so, then the question is staying friends with her just for the sake of your husband. if she is someone who you can be friends with, then just be friends with her. if she doesnt like the level of friendship you are willing to give her, then i say tough. but you will definitely have to explain to her that you do have other friends, you are allowed to go out without her, ect…
everyone has a friend problem like this. the friend who only ever wants to go out and party.. the friend who never returns your calls.. the friend who talks badly about everyone else when she is with you… whatever. everyone has things about their friends that they dont like. if i were you, i would be friends with her and just accept that she is a little neurotic about being absolute best friends forever… and thats ok.
I feel your pain. I’ve had a Sarah in my life before and turned out she was a narcissist, and the woman and your description of her sounds like she may be as well. Sure you could have said no to a few things but obviously you were trying to be kind hearted. If I were you, I would cut Sarah out of your life and the sooner the better. And if your husband and her husband can’t remain friends then that’s on them, they are two grown men, so don’t allow yourself to feel guilty over guilt you don’t own. Regain control over your life and do what I did, fire your narcissist.