Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “My LDR Boyfriend Has Never Visited Me”

​​It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I am 44 years and I have had a long-distance relationship with my guy for about three years. I have made all the trips in this relationship to visit with him since, as he says, my “schedule is more flexible.” I feel like our relationship is not progressing and I really am not sure if this is what I want anymore. He has seen me through some tough times but over the phone only. I have yet to have a visit from him, even though we have only about 130 miles in between us, which takes about one hour and fifteen minutes to drive. When I do get a chance to visit, it’s only for one day. I never get to spend more than that because of his work schedule. I feel like we are still at first base and stuck. I am at the point in my life where I am ready to settle down. I just don’t want to be wasting my time anymore. Hopefully, you can help me get some clarity. — Wasting Time?


I’m sorry, but you are wasting your time with this man if, after three years, he has not driven an hour and fifteen minutes to visit you in your home and he puts one-day limitations on how long you can visit him in his. He is just not interested in this going any further than it has. MOA.

The guy I’m talking to likes and follows these porn accounts on Instagram, and it’s making me feel kinda shitty. I don’t wanna be that annoying girl to bring it up, but I don’t know what I should do. Should I be worried about it? He doesn’t act weird or anything, and besides his following provocative accounts, everything is good. — Feeling Kinda Shitty

 
It’s not being “annoying” to express a concern you have about someone, and we need to stop the narrative that says it is. In this narrative, it’s almost always a woman who’s annoying, even though men are equally bothered by — and speak out about — behavior or habits of their female significant others. It’s patriarchal bullshit that needs to stop. So speak up and tell this guy that his public following of porn accounts on Instagram is uncomfortable for you (and give your reasons why) and that, if you continued seeing him, would he consider unfollowing them. If he says yes and does so, great! And if he doesn’t, that’s his prerogative and you can decide whether or not that’s a deal-breaker and move on if it is.

I’ve been on and off with my recent boyfriend for years. He left me for another girl but still cheated on her with me. They dated for two years and have been split up for eight months; we have been dating again for two weeks now. He took the other girl out for her birthday recently and now his sister’s wedding is coming up and he said that he has to take his ex so his family still thinks they are together. He told me not to worry. How do I handle this? — On Again

 
You move on already and put an end to this on-and-off dead-end relationship with a cheating’, lyin’, two-timin’ loser.

***************

Follow along on Facebook and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

24 comments… add one
  • Guy Friday

    Guy Friday March 2, 2018, 10:35 am

    LW2: I don’t think it’s wrong to bring up the concern, but my advice would be to decide if you actually want to move forward into something more serious than just “talking” with the guy before you decide if you bring it up. It isn’t about you being annoying at all; to me, it’s more of a “If you ultimately determine you’re not interested in the guy, it’s not really fair to ask him to change for you” thing.

    In defense of the guy, however, I see this as something sort of akin to keeping a dating profile up while you’re getting to know someone (but more divisive, I know). If it gets serious/exclusive, most guys take it down themselves, and if they didn’t and you asked most would do it immediately. We all make SOME changes when we start dating people.

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      Northern Star March 2, 2018, 11:02 am

      I guess I can’t see the Terrible Hardship in this guy “changing” by unfollowing an Instagram account—even if LW 2 decides he’s not boyfriend material after all. He can “unchange” with one click of a button.

      She hardly needs to be Certain He’s the One! before asking for such a minor, easy-to-accomplish adjustment. And he can just say no, if it’s Too Hard.

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      • Guy Friday

        Guy Friday March 2, 2018, 1:50 pm

        I didn’t mean to imply that it was difficult or time-consuming. I was more talking about the philosophical “Should you really ask your friends to change to remain your friends?” debate, of which I fall on the “No” side. I got the vibe from the letter that it bothered the LW more as a concern that he’d keep following porn stars on Instagram even if they started getting more serious, and I can see where that would make a significant other uncomfortable. I didn’t take it that she was uncomfortable with their being friends and him doing that. Maybe I’m reading more into the letter than is there, though.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark March 2, 2018, 12:14 pm

      And I can’t see the terrible hardship her just fucking dealing with it…

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        Northern Star March 2, 2018, 12:28 pm

        *shrug* I’d just cut this loser loose, personally. But she can always ask before writing him off.

        As if it’s so HAAAAARD to stop following porn accounts on Instagram.

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        Fyodor March 2, 2018, 6:05 pm

        He should have separate anonymous account that he used for following them, like say a non-dumbass.

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      dinoceros March 2, 2018, 12:15 pm

      I think this is a little different. I don’t know many people who follow porn accounts on instagram. It doesn’t seem like a normal “I’m single” thing like dating apps are. I don’t know that dating someone seriously is very related and would result in him unfollowing them. It’s more like “this is my personality,” because it’s being broadcast to anyone who can see your account.

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        JD March 2, 2018, 12:18 pm

        I don’t really care about men looking at porn. I did however date this guy and every day on FB he would like dozens of pictures of mostly nude women. It just ended up kind of weirding me out. Felt like that is all he was doing with how many likes there were.

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        dinoceros March 2, 2018, 3:23 pm

        Yeah, definitely. I have a neighbor who follows a bunch of porn stars on Twitter, and I just sort of wonder why he can’t just save them as bookmarks or something. Like does he really want his family to see which stars are his favorites?

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  • avatar

    anonymousse March 2, 2018, 10:37 am

    These poor women.
    LW1…he puts zero effort into this and you should move on.
    LW2…if you are at the talking stage, I’d just stop talking to him. And if he asked why, tell him you feel sick when you see the accounts he follows. Then block him.
    LW3… you need therapy to uncover why your self esteem (or lack thereof) has gotten you into this situation. You are a secret, side chick for two weeks while he is still most definitely still in a relationship with this other woman.

    Do better. Block him and move on from the drama.

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine March 2, 2018, 10:46 am

    Good lord LW1…what on earth are you thinking. Many, many people drive an hour and fifteen minutes to work EACH WAY. And this dude has never in three years made the trip? Honey, that shouldn’t have flown with you past the second date. Your time is not less valuable than his or anyone else’s. If it doesn’t frighten you that you settled for such a ridiculous arrangement it should. Go to therapy and get to the bottom of your self esteem issues because nobody who values themselves would have stuck around or even thought about it.

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    • avatar

      JD March 2, 2018, 11:18 am

      I see LW’s guy as married. Betting she comes over the day his wife happens to be gone for some reason.

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    • avatar

      csp March 2, 2018, 11:53 am

      I totally agree but she is also clearly downgrading drive time. If it is 130 miles in 75 minutes , she would need to average 104 mph. Everything else is stupid but that math doesn’t work.

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        dinoceros March 2, 2018, 12:16 pm

        I didn’t do the calculation, but I remember being surprised when she said that the trip took so little time.

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      • juliecatharine

        Juliecatharine March 2, 2018, 12:21 pm

        Good point, I didn’t pay attention to the mileage.

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      • avatar

        Sarah March 2, 2018, 4:55 pm

        I did the calculation too and came to post the same thing!! (She may also be driving insanely fast haha.)

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 March 2, 2018, 12:26 pm

    Yeah it’s an hour an 15 minute drive if you do 100 MPH door to door.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 March 2, 2018, 12:27 pm

      Damn you CSP!

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 March 2, 2018, 12:29 pm

    LW3: I mean WTF. Did she listen to her own letter here?

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom March 2, 2018, 2:35 pm

    LW2 If the guy you are talking to does something that makes you feel shitty move on and talk to someone else. He can be who he is and you can realize it doesn’t work for you. Most people you talk to won’t be a good match. As soon as you realize there is something that makes it not work you should cut your losses and quit wasting your time and their time. There is no need for him to change. You just need to find someone you like just as they are.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom March 2, 2018, 2:36 pm

    LW3 Anyone in a relationship will put in as much effort as they feel the relationship is worth. He is putting in no effort. That tells you everything you need to know.

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      dinoceros March 2, 2018, 3:24 pm

      Exactly! And as little effort as they can get away with. He’s learned he doesn’t really have to do anything and the LW will stick around anyway.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom March 2, 2018, 2:41 pm

    LW3 The guy is a cheat. He cheated on her before with you and he’s doing it again. Why do you want him? He can’t be trusted. Not now. Not ever. Throw him away and never look back. Someday you’ll be happy that you got away.

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  • avatar

    Bondgirl March 2, 2018, 8:20 pm

    ::facepalm:: very easy answer for all 3 LW’s: AIM. HIGHER.

    LW3 saddens me a bit tho cuz that could be several people I know. Like, build the self-esteem and courage to know you CAN and WILL do better. And I hope they realize that sooner than later.

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