It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I was looking through the phone records and found various numbers of escort services my husband called one night while he was out drinking. I am out on deployment and am devastated. He says he was blacked out and he doesn’t even remember calling them; his friends said he did it just for fun. Now, my concern is that we have had previous problems with him getting on Craigslist and responding to ads for women seeking men. He even made his own Craigslist ad one night, while I was at work, about giving a massage at midnight. I confronted him every time and he always said that he never went through with anything — that it was all just for the thrill, to see what these girls would say. He confessed to me that he had a problem, and I told him he needed to get help and fix whatever issues he was having. Before we were married, he had a few incidents where I would find him contacting women from back home and saying inappropriate things, acting like I didn’t even exist. Now we are married and trying to work on our trust issues, but he calls escorts when I’m out of town and blames it on the drinking. What do you think I should do? — Deployed and Annoyed
You were naive when you married this man despite having serious trust issues with him, and you’re naive now to believe that he calls escorts simply for the thrill of it — which is bad enough, if you ask me — and doesn’t ever cheat on you. If the man drinks so much he can’t remember making phone calls, what makes you think he can remember NOT sleeping with an escort (or anyone else, for that matter). You need to think seriously about why you’re married to this man — a good therapist could help you figure that out and give you the tools to either MOA or decide how to best move forward in your marriage in a way that supports your well-being.
I was roommates with this guy who treated me with respect. We didn’t see each other a lot because we worked opposite schedules. I was trying to get to know him and then randomly one day he sent me a text saying that he was moving out. When I spent time with him and talked to him, it seemed we connected, so I am wanting to stay in contact with him. He got my phone number when I first moved in, but I have been the one initiating all the text messages, which is how I have remained in contact with him thus far. I am wondering if this will become a friendship or not? What do you think? — Hot for Ex-Roomie
Giving a roommate notice of your move-out by text does not bode well for a potential friendship, sorry. You could probably find more invested pals standing in line at the post office.
I work in a small office environment and everyone is cordial and/or friends. A group of coworkers, including myself, were recently informed that our friend (a coworker) has an alcohol problem. He has received two DUI’s in the last month and really needs help. Today he came into the office hammered. He was slurring his words, yelling over people, trying to type emails (with tons of misspellings), and then, when he went to the bathroom, a coworker found an almost empty bottle of vodka in his desk drawer. He denied drinking, but all signs pointed to yes and we got him on the bus and sent him home (we can only hope he went home). This coworker handles a multi-million dollar budget, interacts with important business clients and has a lot of responsibility. Should we confront him or stay out of it? Should we go to HR anonymously? We are afraid he could hurt himself if he doesn’t get the help he needs, but we just don’t know what to do! — Worried Co-Worker
Beyond the danger he poses to himself, not to mention people on the road if he’s actually driving a car (and I hope that isn’t the case!), if he is coming to work drunk, then that greatly affects not only his own work, but that of the colleagues whose work and focus he is disturbing with his behavior. Absolutely, go to your HR representative and tell him or her what is going on. Trust that this is the best course of action not only as a co-worker, but as a concerned friend. Ignoring this would not do him or you and your office any favors.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].