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“He Dumped Me But He Still Texts Every Day”

I’m 21 and my 19-year-old boyfriend broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. To make a long story short, he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. Since then we have been texting almost every day and FaceTiming (only). Even though he maintains that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, when we are together it feels like we never broke up. He even looks in my eyes and tells me multiple times that he loves me. Part of me thinks that I should stop talking to him because he stated that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. However, the other part of me truly believes that he is confused and that eventually we will get back together. Best part yet: my period is late!!! What should I do? — Fake Cougar Ex

 

He dumped you. Why are you texting and FaceTiming every day? If you’re hoping you might eventually get back together, you have to actually create some space and distance for the missing you to happen (not that it necessarily will, but it definitely won’t if you’re always in touch and always available when he wants to talk). Finally, if your period is late, take a pregnancy test. And see a doctor about STI testing, too. When a 19-year-old boy dumps a girlfriend he says he loves, it’s usually because he wants to screw someone else (and may have already started before he dumped you).

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend now for about nine months, but we just recently made it official. Although we have a title, according to me everything is not fine. He is a business owner and a full-time father and completely married to his business and family. He rarely has time to take me on dates or surprise me with gifts. When we do spend time together, he’s exhausted and I get only a few hours of talking before he is out cold. How can I incorporate myself into his circle more? I’ve been patient and pleasing, but now we are going on a year and I would like to get a little more out of the relationship. I’m not sure what the next move is? — Needs More

 
Why did you make it “official” if you aren’t happy in the relationship? And why didn’t you use that milestone as an opportunity to discuss your needs and how they aren’t being met? Obviously, a “title” doesn’t mean squat if you aren’t getting what you want. So communicate to your boyfriend that you would like more of his time and to feel better integrated into his life. If you don’t see a change in the next few weeks, I think you need to chalk this up to being at different places in your life and not being a good match for each other right now.

I’ve been single for a year now. I’m pretty and intelligent and, yeah, I know I’m a catch. Most of my friends don’t know why I’m still single and they think I’m not over my ex, but the truth is I’ve not met the guy who I really want to get to know. Recently, my friend tried hooking me up, but I couldn’t make it to the date because I had to do my nails. I passed by her house afterward and the guy came by with a friend I had met once. They both took my number and I started talkin’ and Skyping with the other guy. Two weeks later, the friend came back to town for business and we hung out. He kissed me and I responded. I mean, a girl has to live, right? My date told me the next day that he’s coming to town and he wants to get to know me. I decided to come clean about kissing his friend, and he cancelled our plans. Truth is, I really liked him just from our first meeting, but now he doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with his friend since he thinks his friend likes me (but to his friend, what happened is purely physical). — Regretting The Kiss

 
I guess there are two lessons here: nails can wait; if you like a guy and he asks for your number, don’t kiss a friend while you’re waiting for him to call.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

80 Comments

  1. I feel like LW just wrote in to humble brag.
    “Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT.”

    1. Avatar photo LadyinPurpleNotRed says:

      Such a great episode

  2. Avatar photo lemongrass says:

    Lw1: just stop.

    Lw2: how many surprise gifts are you expecting to get???

    Lw3: dramaaaaaaaa.

    1. I know, right? I didn’t realize that was an expectation I was supposed to have for my relationship. I should tell boyfriend he has a lot of surprise gifts to make up for or else I am out of here.

      1. I’m just surprised when my house is cleaned to my specifications and he’s out of his pajamas when I get home. I’m really surprised if he doesn’t ask for a nap when I get home (he falls asleep before me, gets up after me, and takes at least one nap while all of the kids are at school – fucker sleeps TOO MUCH. Either that, or I’m jealous of not only his ability to take a nap whenever he wants, but also his ability to fall asleep at the drop of a hat).

  3. Ah, yes, a LW’s period being late is always the best part… Sigh…

    1. I got mushrooms in my omelette this morning… Who is proud of me??

      1. YUM. What else? I hope there was bacon in there, too.

      2. You guys, while at an olive oil store, I picked up bacon jam. BACON JAM. It’s delicious. Sometime this weekend, I want to try an make pancakes with it.

      3. Have you ever had bacon frosting? There used to be this awesome bakery in my neighborhood that sold a milton chocolate cake with the option of vanilla or bacon frosting. Like the third time I ordered vanilla the pastry chef basically refused to let me have it if I didn’t try the bacon frosting. (Yes I went in there so frequently that I was friendly with the pastry chef… you would too if you lived near this place!). But OMG BACON FROSTING. omnomnomnom.

      4. I have not, but I’m intrigued.It sounds delicious!

        The dude who worked at the soup/sub shot down the street knew me. I use to get free food all the time. Then he quit. Sad face.

      5. Yes to bacon. Also peppers and spinach. And cheese, because duh.

      6. I would appreciate in invite next time. Thanks.

      7. Oh don’t be too jealous- it was at the restaurant inside a doubletree. It wasn’t like… Amazing.

    2. I’m really hoping that “best part” was a bit of sarcasm? That might be wishful thinking though…

  4. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

    LW1: Of course your period is late. P.S. I look my cats in the eyes and tell them I love them all the time, but that doesn’t mean I want a relationship with either of them.
    LW2: What are you expecting to get out of this, other than a bunch of surprise gifts? Are you, like, OK with the relationship if he doesn’t have any time for you but you get more surprise gifts?
    LW3: Surely someone as smart, pretty, and sassy as you can find someone to date other than these two guys. Besides, isn’t the one you like long distance if he’s visiting you when he’s in town for business? P.S. I think I know why you’re single if you want me to explain it to your friends.

    1. Every morning before I leave for work I look Calzo in the eye and tell him I love him, just in case he dies while I’m gone.

      1. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Oh god me too. I also tell him to have a good day. And then I spend the first 10 minutes of my commute wondering if I left my curling iron on (I never curl my hair during the week) and if he’s going to die in a house fire and it’ll all be my fault.

  5. LW 1: Trust your first instinct stop talking to him.

    LW 2: You two have different sets of priorities. The guy is a father and a business owner and he manages to arrange time to see you. I’d say you’re in his “inner circle”. But, if you’re not happy, speak up!

    LW 3: Uh, yeah. I got nothing. Except I think I’m going to start using “I mean, a girl has to live, right?” as justification for ALL my decisions.

    1. I think “a girl has to live, right” is just an updated version of yolo.

      1. The next hot phrase: AGHASTLR

  6. LW2: Does anyone else think “only a few hours of talking before he passes out” is even more hilarious than the surprise gifts thing? I am baby-free and STILL the only way my fiance can get me to stay awake for “a few hours of talking” is if we’re having an argument.

    1. Lol isn’t “a few hours before passing out” just like… Life?

      1. I get home from work around 545, Dave goes to bed around 10. You could say we only hang out for a few hours before he passes out. WTF? I should probably write to Wendy about this.

      2. Dump him. He’s an a hole. Especially if you’re only gift is a breakfast sandwhich. So not worth the effort.

      3. You’re totally right.

    2. Sue Jones says:

      Yeah, after 9:30 or 10PM I am toast. I literally crash out mid-sentence.

    3. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

      I fell asleep mid argument last night. Whoops. Guess GGuy should write Wendy!

    4. How much talking do you need??? If my boyfriend wanted to talk for five hours every night after work, exercise, dinner, dishes, etc. he would be nuts.

  7. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

    LW2 Why are you dating him if you don’t like him?????

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      Duh GG, everyone has to date!

      1. Wendy (not Wendy) says:

        Jeez, a girl’s got to live!

    2. I guess attention from someone who you are “meh” about is better than no attention? Sadly, I have a friend like this.

  8. LW1- Stressing about whether you’re going to get your period or not will make you miss it. It’s happened to me before. If you don’t want to stress about pregnancy then do yourself a favor and ask your gynecologist for an IUD. They last about 5 years before you have to replace them and you can always choose to have the doctor take it out when you’re ready for children. It’s still up to you whether to use condoms to protect against STDs but at least you won’t be stressed about being pregnant.

  9. WHAT. THE. FUCK. LWs 1, 2 AND 3.
    .
    LW1 – He wants to fuck other people. But while he’s not out doing the deed with someone, he likes the comfort you offer. And yeah, the sex. As Wendy said, get some distance and you’ll realize this is really a dick move. I’ll also chalk this one up to age, so I apologize, this isn’t really a WTF thing. I’m sorry. But the others…. COME ON. I CAN’T EVEN.

  10. Hilarious, especially LW3.

    1. Man, LW 3 has moxie. You can’t keep a girl down! YOLO! Carpe diem! (Or carpe other guy’s lips, or something.)

      (I’m out of tired cliches.)

      1. The mail man was right, they do be crazy.

      2. Big Bang FTW.

      3. Am I the only person who hates YOLO? Like every time I see it I inwardly roll my eyes.

        Maybe it’s because of my cousin’s boyfriend’s FB statuses. He’s constantly writing things like “Gotta take a run to the grocery store YOLO.”
        “Hitting the gym. YOLO.”
        That doesn’t mean what you think it means!!
        (Forgive the html codes if they don’t work. I get annoyed when I can’t see line breaks!!)

      4. I HATE “YOLO”. I seriously do. Of course, I also don’t like it when people say “LOL” in conversation.

      5. “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means…..”

      6. I actually LOVE saying YOLO. Ironically, though. Does that make me a hipster?

  11. So…

    LW 1: He doesn’t want to be with you. Move on.
    LW 2: Talk to him. Also, accept that dating a man with children will (hopefully!) mean you are not the #1 priority. Decide if you can deal with that.
    LW 3: *shaking my head*

  12. Are there really grown people out there who expect to be surprised with gifts on a regular basis? Sometimes my husband surprises me with a breakfast sandwich. Does that count?

    1. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

      Yes! Food is the only kind of surprise I want. Sometimes Llama Guy brings me flowers and I’m like, that’s sweet but I can’t eat them. Bring me a cupcake next time, dammit. And he’s still going to marry me.

    2. Avatar photo muchachaenlaventana says:

      if it has bacon and avocado I would take that over a surprise gift any day.

    3. Are these breakfast sandwiches lined with gold, or at least wrapped in gold? If not, a letter to Wendy May be in order.

    4. Man, all Othello surprises me with is a nicely mowed lawn or a swept/mopped house. I must be doing something wrong and he must not love me.

      1. Avatar photo muchachaenlaventana says:

        eek yeah, sounds like its time for you to MOA

      2. And now he just let me know that he did the laundry. But no presents, so I’m not sure what his deal is.

    5. lets_be_honest says:

      YES! Wtf Bethany! If by regular basis, you mean daily, then no. That’s just crazy. I only expect one every third day.

    6. AllegroFox says:

      The other day I came home from work dreading having to feed myself and when I walked in my boyfriend said “Hey, I ordered Japanese food for lunch and I ordered some extra for you to have for dinner! It’s in the fridge.” OMG YES. Food gifts are the best gifts.

      1. What, he didn’t have it hot and waiting for you when you came home? Tsk.

    7. I want surprise gifts! Although anytime my boyfriend buys beer, he always picks me up some cider, so I guess that’s my surprise gift? Or ginger beer, yum!

  13. Laura Hope says:

    LW3- So you’re pretty and intelligent(?) and “a real catch” who can blow guys off because you’re too busy doing your nails? Maybe your question should have been “how can I develop a little humility?”

  14. So do you guys think LW3 even bothered to call the guy, or did she just stand him up while she got her nails done?

    1. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

      I think she stood him up because, like shanshantastic said, YOLO!

    2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

      Haha, I’d bet no call. I think in the past 3 years I’ve gotten my nails done…3 times? Once for my wedding, once for our engagement photos….yeah.

    3. You can’t call while your nails are being done. It will ruin everything if you just put your hand in your purse. Duh.

  15. Oh, good Lord.

    LW2, unless one of your parents is an official royal personage, you are not a princess. Stop expecting to be treated like one.

    1. And if you do want to be pampered and doted on and brought surprise gifts all the time, why are you dating a guy who’s a father and running a business? Find some single rich guy who doesn’t have to work and has no other commitments besides you.

  16. “I’m intelligent”
    “I couldn’t make it to the date because I had to do my nails.”

    Nope.

  17. Oy, these LWs are something else…

    LW1: You want a relationship. He does not. “Feeling like a relationship” is not a relationship. Stop sleeping with him and MOA.

    LW2: Relationship titles do not come with definitions on how they must be lived. You want more time and surprise presents? You have to ask him for it. If you need that and he can’t give it to you (because he is a full-time father and business owner, so it’s not looking good), MOA.

    LW3: Telling a guy that you haven’t dated yet that you kissed his friend is an easy dealbreaker. You didn’t cheat on him, why the honesty urge? Also, you literally chose your nails over a guy. If you don’t want your friends to help you out there, just tell your friends to stop trying to set you up right now because you’re not looking for that. If you keep doing what you’re doing, I promise no one will want to set you up anymore.

  18. Laura Hope says:

    Gator Girl–Hot tip. Do your own nails at night and the next morning, when they’re completely dry, run them under water and peel the nailpolish off the skin (if you’re as messy as I am). It peels right off (but stays perfect on the nails) and looks like you’ve had it done professionally.

    1. Yes! This really works. This is how I do my nails all the time. It works best while you’re in the shower the next morning. You just have to be careful not to peel too much off. I’ve had that happen.

    2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

      Oh yeah, I do my nails at home semi-regularly! I just can’t justify sending all the money to have someone else do it! (Or like missing out on say a date for nails.)
      .
      I need to do my toes tonight. I’m not sure what color though.

    3. If I’m doing a glitter polish or design for a special occasion, I use Elmer’s glue as a base coat. Then I can just peel off the Polish when I’m tired of it. OPI now makes a peelable base coat, but I like my cheap DIY version.

      1. Avatar photo LadyinPurpleNotRed says:

        That’s GENIUS!

  19. LW1: Why is your potential unplanned pregnancy not the thing that is bothering you? Seriously!
    LW2: Surprise you with gifts? Ugh, I’m so glad my wife was just looking for an equal to share love with. Gifts are given, not expected. The only gifts you should EVER concern yourself with are the ones you want to give to others. Also, he works his ass of as a father and a business owner and you are let down that he only has time for a “few hours” of talking before he drops from exhaustion? How many hours of talking do you need to feel appreciated?
    LW3: Couldn’t make the date because you had to do your nails, huh? So, what, the plans for the date were made while you were already in the middle of doing your nails, so you couldn’t get them done in time for the date? Or are you just a self-involved egomaniac with zero interest in common courtesy? Yeah, you’re a catch, alright. Some poor bastard’s going to catch you like a disease.

    1. “The only gifts you should EVER concern yourself with are the ones you want to give to others. ”
      THIS!

  20. “Truth is, I really liked him just from our first meeting, but now he doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with his friend since he thinks his friend likes me (but to his friend, what happened is purely physical).”

    A part of me thinks that it’s less about some bro code thing. I personally wouldn’t want to date someone either who met me and a friend at one time and then went after my friend. Nobody wants to be somebody’s leftovers, and it’s a little hard to believe that someone liked you better when they choose someone else.

    1. Wendy (not Wendy) says:

      Yeah, I kind of wish I knew the guy so I could applaud him for being a sensible human being. “Fuck that drama”, he’s saying somewhere.

  21. Am I the only one who thinks fingernails are disgusting? I keep mine super short, and haven’t gotten a manicure since I got married almost 3 years ago.

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      I think nasty fingernails are disgusting I guess, but if they are clean and not jagged edges, they don’t bother me. Feet on the other hand (or foot?) – ick!

      1. One of my friends always has a couple really long fingernails that are half broken, usually on her ring fingers and pinkies, while the other ones are short. It makes me crazy. I want to file them for her.

    2. Avatar photo theattack says:

      I do, bethany! But I also think it’s gross to see nails that are super short where there’s skin exposed on the top. I try to keep mine only very slightly (like one millimeter) past my finger tip so they’re not noticeable.

      I recently met someone with loooong fingernails that were all pointed and weird, and I almost wanted to hurl.

  22. So, did I miss a new feature on the website or is something weird going on? The LW’s posts seem to have completely unrelated hyperlinks? Always to the same stuff? “An oral history of max fish”? Sorry if I missed the explanation for this. I haven’t clicked on these because they seem, uh, fishy.

  23. findingtheearth says:

    “A girl has needs, right?” Is how I got pregnant. Just sayin, LW3 – think about your actions.

    LW1 – NO.

    LW2: If a man who has a busy schedule already makes time for you on a regular basis, be happy. Is presence is a present.

  24. Leslie Joan says:

    Omg, LW3, I am so glad that you told us that you were intelligent, otherwise I really wouldn’t have guessed. Because from where I’m sitting, it doesn’t look like such a smart move to blow off a meetup that was planned to get together with somebody you wanted to get to know. I mean, aside from the fact that it’s rude. Of course, I suppose if you’re a catch, maybe you think you don’t need manners? Dunno. But my guess is that the original guy isn’t really interested in you anymore because he doesn’t like diva attitude, as well as that he’s a loyal friend. He may also be concerned about your time management skillz and priorities. You treat your girlfriends the same way?

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