It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
If you use birth control pills solely as contraception, then it is absolutely fair to ask and expect your boyfriend or regular sex partner to pay for 50% of the cost. If you have other reasons for taking birth control pills, and would continue taking them even if your sex partner was interested in and willing to pay for a different means of contraception, then it’s unfair to expect a sex partner to cover any of the cost of the pills.
We tried to make it work, but then recently I went out of town and he went to the bar and drank (which he had said he had quit doing), and then bought a new truck without talking to me. Finally, the bomb was replying to Craigslist ads and sending naked pics out. I’m just so lost and don’t know what to do. He ALWAYS says he won’t do it again, but when is it enough? — So Lost
Exactly. When IS enough enough? Please, for your safety as well as your daughter’s, let this finally be enough and MOA. Here are some tips for leaving a partner who is violent.
Why don’t you ASK your girlfriend if you’re invited to the wedding, either directly or as her plus one. If you aren’t, or if she refuses to answer you, THEN you can discuss what the reasons were and/or decide whether this is indicative of a larger issue in your relationship and whether it’s time to MOA. You aren’t being out of line for wanting to end a relationship where you feel unwanted, but it’s a pretty big leap to go from assuming you are unwelcome at a wedding to believing you are unwanted in a relationship and you need to fill in some missing pieces first before you fly off the handle.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 10:36 am
LW1 – If you’re only having sex 3 or 4 times a month, you obviously can’t get pregnant. Seriously though, it sounds like you could use condoms, but only need the pill for other things so I guess stick to him paying for condoms.
LW3 – I wonder how long you’ve been dating.
MissyC August 30, 2013, 10:58 am
The way she said it also rubbed me the wrong way, and I wonder if it did to him as well. “Look here, buddy, you’re paying for half of this if I’m gonna bone you. Got it?” I’d be inclined to say no, too…
My grandma always said, you’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Maybe some of it could be the approach?
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 11:01 am
Actually that part didn’t bother me. If she were using it SOLELY for bitch control, then he SHOULD pay half, since he’s benefiting as much as her.
But you’re right about how you phrase things and the results you’ll get.
FossilChick August 30, 2013, 11:03 am
Bitch control! I need a pill for that…
MissyC August 30, 2013, 11:05 am
For myself and also to discretely slip to some others….
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 11:05 am
MMcG August 30, 2013, 4:22 pm
Maybe LW1 should use condoms anyway with a new partner since they are used to protect against stds not just pregnancy. does anyone worry about stds anymore!?!
CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 10:45 am
Can’t you get free birth control, LW1? I pay nothing for my pills. Zero, zip, nada. And remember… nothing wrong with using condoms as a back-up.
othy August 30, 2013, 10:49 am
If she has health insurance in the US, yes.
I *finally* got my free BC this month. My insurance renews in July, so they got out of the requirement for almost a full year (the mandate went into effect last August) before I started getting free BC.
the_optimist August 30, 2013, 11:45 am
Can someone help me figure this out? I pay a buttload for my birth control ever 3 months, but I thought mine was supposed to be free as well.
katie August 30, 2013, 11:50 am
mine just became free one time. like one month i was my $10 copay, and the next month, they were like “ok thanks” and that was that
maybe your pharmacy could help you? they always are pretty good answering my questions
Gwen Soul August 30, 2013, 11:55 am
partly depends on your health insurance, they don’t have to make everything free, just options. Most say you can have generic, or any that does not have a generic equivalent.
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 12:02 pm
You should call your insurance provider and see what pills they cover and if they cover a 3 month supply. My insurance will only cover the full cost of generic pills in one month increments. Different pharmacies sometimes have different prices so maybe shop around there too. The most surefire way to get the right answer is to just call and ask.
the_optimist August 30, 2013, 12:05 pm
Oh balls. I can’t take generic. I bet that’s why. Sorry for comment-jacking. Thanks ladies 🙂
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 12:19 pm
If there is a medical reason why you can’t take generic- you might be able to talk them into paying for the brand name. It’s worth a call!
va-in-ny August 30, 2013, 3:55 pm
If you have to take a name brand, or if there is no generic equivalent (i.e. Mirena, Nuvaring, etc.) you DO NOT have to pay.
Insurance companies are being real jerkfaces over this because they’re losing tons of money from the ACA mandating birth control be free. You need to talk to your insurance provider (not the pharmacy, they can do nothing) and you may have to talk to several different people over several days/weeks. I had several people that were straight-up RUDE over it saying things like, “Oh, dear, you must not have understood. The free birth control is only for generic, ORAL contraceptives.” (LIE) or “Wow, you’re really upset, you must really need the birth control pills to regulate your moods.” (DAFUQ?)
I finally got my birth control for free (Nuvaring) after weeks and weeks of fighting the insurance company. Persistence is key, though these people definitely helped me get my facts straight before starting the fight:
Mara August 30, 2013, 12:35 pm
Wisconsin has a Family Planning Waiver ). I would think other states have a similar program that is income based. This waiver was how I was able to get my birth control and yearly paps for free.
SpyGlassez September 12, 2013, 12:21 am
So does Iowa.
JenjaRose August 31, 2013, 1:02 pm
There’s a lot of assumption there. Many of us can’t afford health insurance. I was paying $70 per month for my pills (I unfortunately need a certain brand) until I joined a program through my pharmacy. I pay the pharmacy a yearly fee and get my birth control for $40 per month. Sadly, health insurance is waaaay out of the reach of people like me (and maybe the OP.) 🙁
Also? My boyfriend absolutely pays half and we both agree that’s just fair.
MissyC August 30, 2013, 10:46 am
LW1, you say that you are also taking birth control pills to help regulate your hormones and shrink your cysts, so it sounds like even without having sex 3-4 times each month it would be something you take. It’s a bit confusing, then, why you *told* your boyfriend he needed to pay for half of it. I’m wondering if maybe there’s a problem with the cost? If that’s the case perhaps you could talk to your doctor about finding a generic brand that would help you, or getting in touch with your local Planned Parenthood to discuss some lower-cost options.
LW3, you mention that the daughter has been engaged for 3 years but don’t mention how long you’ve been with the mother. Could your (potential) non-invite be a matter of you not being invited to the wedding? Or what about the mom’s ex? Perhaps the ex will be there and it would be uncomfortable to bring along a date (and potentially some drama, depending on the situation with the ex) to an event that should be focused on her daughter.
Miel August 30, 2013, 12:43 pm
When my brother got married, we had 4 sets of parents with plus one that didn’t want to see each other’s face: the mother and father of the groom are divorced and have new partners, and the father and mother of the bride are divorced and have new partners. Preparing the seating chart wasn’t fun, we basically put the four parents at the four corners of the room.
Astronomer August 30, 2013, 1:09 pm
Yeah, but it’s the parents’ jobs to be grownups and get along at kids’ weddings, no matter what happened between them. If both parents are invited, that generally means that it’s not an abuse or an ax-murdering kind of situation. It shouldn’t fall to the couple to sort out the parents’ drama. The grownups can and should keep it to themselves for one freaking day.
I feel very strongly about this after BOTH of my husband’s dads (step and bio) bailed on our wedding at the very last minute. I guess neither of them has seen my husband’s mom since he underwent gender reassignment surgery. But still, you think they could’ve just sucked it up any awkwardness they felt for their son’s sake. My husband was so hurt, you don’t even know.
Fabelle August 30, 2013, 10:49 am
For LW3 yeah, I would also wonder how long he’s been dating the mother? But either way, it’s pretty wack if they didn’t include him (AND didn’t tell him?) I’m with Wendy though, that he should ask to make sure.
Sara August 30, 2013, 2:41 pm
I agree that he needs to ask if he is or is not invited. If he’s being included as the mother’s plus one, then he wouldn’t necessarily get his own invitation in the mail (or handed to him or whatever). Or it’s possible that the bride’s father isn’t adult enough to be around the mother’s new partner. LW, quit assuming things!
mylaray August 30, 2013, 10:58 am
I’ve always paid for birth control myself, and while I also use it for medical reasons, I guess I never thought they would be considered differently? I don’t know, birth control can still be really expensive and I don’t see anything wrong with her wanting to share more of the burden with her boyfriend. Like for me, I get it cheaper by not using my insurance and going to a walk in clinic because of copays and because it’s a branded drug, so cost could still be an issue.
Skyblossom August 30, 2013, 11:03 am
For LW1 I think that paying for half of your birth control is a bargain compared to paying for half a pregnancy, childbirth and 18 years of raising a child. He makes it sound like he feels he is paying for sex and he isn’t getting enough sex to be worth the price but I think he would be paying to not be a father and that is certainly worth the price. At the very least he should be offering to pay for condoms that will be used in addition to hormonal birth control.
CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 11:11 am
You know what? You’re right about his response. I was too busy thinking about the fairness of her asking in the first place, because it sounds like she would be taking it even if she wasn’t with him. But for him to turn it around and say, “Well, honey, we’re not even having enough sex for it to be worth the money for me,” is a DICK MOVE.
starpattern August 30, 2013, 11:31 am
Yep, this. Whether it was fair of her to ask in the first place, his response is so gross.
Lindsay August 31, 2013, 12:28 am
Yeah, and at what point is it ENOUGH sex to warrant him paying? Whether or not she could choose condoms, you have to take the pill consistently for it to work correctly, so it’s not like she could just take four pills to cover the four times a month.
And honestly, I’m not sure I agree with the idea that because she needs it for other reasons, it suddenly means it’s unreasonable to think he should pay. It’s still being used as their contraception regardless of whether she’s taking advantage of other benefits.
Guy Friday September 3, 2013, 4:28 pm
Regarding the boyfriend being a douche for the “3-4 times a month” comment, it’s definitely a crappy phrasing no matter how he said it. But hear me out on this one: we don’t know what context that comment came in. If she brought up maybe his contributing some and he immediately responded “We’re only having sex 3-4 times a month. Why should I pay?” then, yeah, he’s a douche. But the way she phrased the letter makes it sound like she’s saying she can’t NOT take BC, and thus condoms are irrelevant (which is dumb, but not the point of this), so if this was the culmination of an escalating conversation such as this (and I’m paraphrasing):
LW: I want you to pay for half of my birth control
BF: Well, I’m happy to pay for condoms and you pay for birth control
LW: No. I’m not doing that. You don’t NEED condoms, but I need my birth control for other health reasons [details health reasons]
BF: So you’re asking me to pay half of something you’d be taking anyway?
LW: Hey, we’re having sex, and you don’t want me getting pregnant, so, yeah, you’ve got to pay half
BF: We’re only having sex 3 to 4 times a month . That’s not the only reason — or even the main reason! — you’re taking them. Don’t make it sound like you’re doing this just because of me.
… well, then, it’s not so douchey, is it? Still poor form, but it’s not in a “if we were having sex more I’d be paying more” context.
katie August 30, 2013, 11:29 am
yep, this is it. its one thing to think that a woman should pay for her own birth control, but for it to be contingent on HOW MUCH sex the guy is getting? thats not right. not right at all…
Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 11:52 am
Yes, so effed up. Plus, that argument lends itself to the argument that, if they have more sex, then it would be worth it for him to contribute some; a little bit more sex, a little bit more… Soon she could argue that if she has enough sex with him, he should pay for the full price of the pills and then some. That sounds fair. A little whorish, but fair.
marin August 30, 2013, 12:30 pm
Yeah I mean they are having SOME sex, I think the LW should stop having sex with him AT ALL so he gets what he pays for…
I am so angry at this boyfriend right now! ARGH!
theattack August 30, 2013, 11:08 am
LW1: If he won’t accept his share of the responsibility for your sex life, he probably won’t accept responsibility for a child either. He’s not mature enough to have sex with, IMO.
LW2: Please MOA.
LW3: Communicate before reacting so dramatically to something this minor.
Copa August 30, 2013, 11:13 am
It’s weird to me that LW3 kept referring to his girlfriend as “[the bride’s] mother” instead of “my girlfriend.”
Kate B. August 30, 2013, 11:19 am
I’m torn on the BC issue. I’ve always tried to take care of my own needs when it comes to things like this. If I was married to the guy and this was part of our plan, then maybe. I would be uncomfortable asking a boyfriend to do it. I do agree that he should pay for the condoms, or at least half. But since she also uses the pill for medicinal purposes, I agree with Wendy that it’s unfair in this instance. Suppose she had to take a drug for diabetes? Would she ask him to pay for half of that?
Skyblossom August 30, 2013, 11:29 am
I think the huge difference between birth control and almost any other prescription medication she could take is that he directly benefits from the birth control. Their options without birth control would be no sex or have a baby. I doubt he prefers either of those options so her birth control is a good deal for him.
Kate B. August 30, 2013, 1:51 pm
I subscribe to the belief that I should take care of my own needs, because who else will? If I really don’t want a baby, then I need to do whatever I need to do to make sure that doesn’t happen. I would not rely on another person for something like this. If the guy offered to pay, I would be pleasantly surprised, but I don’t expect it. Condoms are cheap, he can pay for those, but I personally would not ask someone to pay for half my BC pill prescription.
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:53 pm
I think you can subscribe to that belief (I know I do) while also thinking it’d be fair for him to pay half. Its not like I’m saying I wouldn’t take birth control unless he paid half.
Kate B. August 30, 2013, 2:58 pm
I guess for me it’s like this: since the pill (and IUDs and diaphragms) are something that primarliy affects my body, I feel it’s my responsibility. I don’t know how else to explain it. It would be like asking someone to pay for my glasses, or my dental work. My body, my bill.
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 3:01 pm
Just for debates sake, bc I get your point, but the only way BC affects your body is by not letting it get pregnant, which is something that affects both you and your partner. The glasses or dentist don’t help both of you.
LadyinPurpleNotRed August 30, 2013, 3:06 pm
But what about other benefits. It helps people in a lot of other ways. Glasses and getting your teeth fixed make it so you aren’t in pain, which makes things more comfortable for your partner. I get a headache when I don’t have my glasses on, which makes me cranky and if I’m not wearing them, I can’t see. Both things can have an effect on people around me, especially loved ones.
Kate B. August 30, 2013, 3:50 pm
In my case, glasses are necessary because I’m blind without them. Literally. I could not drive or leave the house without them. I could choose to go without them, but then I couldn’t live my life. I agree that these things affect other people, I’m not saying they don’t. But I still think they are my responsibility alone.
LadyinPurpleNotRed August 30, 2013, 4:55 pm
I’m with you. They benefit other people, but I take care of it for me because it’s my choice to do things that way. I was arguing with LBH’s point.
Lindsay August 31, 2013, 12:30 am
But birth control is only need for contraceptive reasons BECAUSE of your partner. It’s not like your vision problems or teeth problems are caused by your partner. In terms of contraception (not counting other uses), you literally wouldn’t need to use the pill if your partner was not possibly fertilizing an egg.
LadyinPurpleNotRed August 31, 2013, 12:34 am
Not true. People take it for other medical reasons–weather they have a partner or not.
Kate B. August 30, 2013, 3:47 pm
Hormonal BC affects your body in many ways. It can raise your blood pressure, making you suseptible to strokes and heart attacks. IUDs carry a risk of infection and certain types have the same hormanal side effects as the pill. It’s a risk you take when you decide to use it. Buying new glasses and getting my teeth fixed are “life maintenance” costs, The costs of living my life the way I want/need to. In my opinion, the pill is also a “life maintenance ” cost. And, to me, my life maintenance costs are my responsibility. That’s what I’m trying to say.
Just Max August 30, 2013, 11:50 am
I’m sort of torn on this, too. However, BC has always been a personal choice because I do not want kids. So I see it as “I don’t want kids, so I’ll take whatever necessary means to make sure I don’t.” How the guy ‘benefits’ never even crossed my mind.
Guy Friday September 3, 2013, 4:47 pm
Ok. So, yeah, I’m a guy, but here’s my take: you’re really supposed to be using both birth control and condoms if you’re trying to practice safe sex. I know that both are supposedly 90+% effective (at least I think they’re both that), but you use condoms to prevent STDs and as a first line of defense, and birth control as a second defense, and if you still get pregnant . . . well, nothing beyond abstinence is 100% effective. So when I’ve dated women, I’ve paid for condoms and they’ve paid for birth control. To be fair, I’ve never actually had a woman ASK me to pay for it, nor do I know personally any guy who has been in that situation. Also, to be fair, the last few girlfriends for whom sex was on the table were — I kid you not — also ones who were getting birth control for the first time when we started dating, so I might have considered footing part of it initially since they were getting it for our relationship.
However, it kind of annoys me when women say “Oh, you should pay for birth control, because I’m doing this so we don’t have a baby.” If you are taking birth control SOLELY BECAUSE WE ARE HAVING SEX, then I’ll entertain the argument. Frankly, I’d probably still reject it unless someone has a genuine reason why they can’t use condoms (because those exist, and if it applies then that’s a legitimate “splitting the bill” argument), but I’d at least hear it out. But if you’re saying that you’re taking it for several other reasons, have been and/or would be taking it independent of our relationship, etc., I don’t buy it. Not for a second. I buy it even less when you tell men they have to pay for condoms AND half the birth control. I say this because, in all honesty, how many of you women who say that would let the man have 50% of the decision as to whether to keep or terminate the child if you WERE to get pregnant? I know it’s your body, and I respect that you have to carry the child if you choose to keep the baby, but you can’t argue that we’re in this 50/50 EXCEPT where matters of keeping the child are concerned. I know that many people don’t see that as being hypocritical, but I do. If I had a STD and said “you have to pay for half my condoms”, you’d laugh in my face, and rightfully so.
I’m just saying that if you get to choose keeping or not keeping the child, you need to either:
(a) pay for your own defense to prevent pregnancy, and I’ll pay for mine; or
(b) split ALL costs — birth control and condoms — 50/50
Either is fine, though I think (a) is easier. I’m fairly certain in (a) mine will end up being more expensive than yours in the majority of the situations given a regular sex life, and I’m willing to deal with that for the exact reason people have stated: I’m on the hook for child support and the like if you have a baby. But unless it’s (a) or (b), I think it’s ridiculous to have it any other way, and I think you’re going to find a lot of guys who will also find it ridiculous.
j2 August 30, 2013, 11:27 am
On LW1, I think we need more info on the cost-sharing within the relationship. For example, does the guy pay for meals? Does LW1 have a car, or is it only the guy who has one and its insurance/upkeep costs? What are their relative income levels? Does the guy have his own medical prescription costs? We don’t even know how long they have been together!
katie August 30, 2013, 11:30 am
yea, i was wondering all this too! it would be very weird if they dont share any costs for her to ask this. but on the flip side, if the are an “ours” couple who share expenses at least somewhat, i think its crazy that he wouldnt want to, willingly and happily, help her with birth control
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 11:35 am
I don’t think the other costs should even come into play really.
Does this guy want a baby? If not, pay for it.
Amber August 30, 2013, 12:23 pm
I think other life costs are relevant. They both eat, and maybe he always pays when they go out for dinner. I don’t see how birth control is any different from other relationship costs.
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 12:34 pm
Well I guess if he’s paying for everything of her’s except BC, then yea, but he sounds like a cheapass who probably splits the bill according to how many bites she took off his plate and charges tax, so unlikely that he’s paying for her other things. Could be wrong tho.
Fabelle August 30, 2013, 11:31 am
Yeah, I’m torn on that one. If she was already on the pills when they started dating, I think it’d weird that she’s trying to share the cost now, just because it technically makes sense?
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 11:42 am
Personally, I think the other “life” costs are irrelevant. Does he want to have sex and not have a baby? Then he should pay for half of the baby preventing measures- be it condoms, the pill, whatever. As they as a consenting couple are choosing the pill as their method of birth control, then IMO it’s partially his responsibility to pay for it. If they had choose condoms as that method then they would both need to share the costs. The fact that’s she’s already taking the pill is irrelevant to me.
CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 11:43 am
Good to have you back, GG!
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 11:57 am
🙂 I’m in such a fabulous mood today due to a great nights sleep and the upcoming 3 day weekend and FOOTBALL IS BACK that I figured I wouldn’t piss anyone off today. Haha.
CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 12:04 pm
Same! Minus the football thing. I’m annoyed that it’s football time already because now I have to see it all on my Facebook feed. But I’m with you on the good night’s sleep and a fun weekend ahead! Starting with happy hour tonight…
Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 12:08 pm
I’m just excited for something besides baseball in my newsfeed!
CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 12:54 pm
I don’t know why, but every year I am surprised by how long sports seasons last. Just like… GAH it’s not over yet???
katie August 30, 2013, 12:11 pm
oh god thats all facebook was this morning- pictures of the broncos game and analysis.
kill me until february!
iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2013, 12:13 pm
You love it. Everyone loves it. I bought all new husker gear. It’s getting embarrassing. Look forward to see an adorable picture of me in a jean skirt, football jersey, boots, and a bandana later this weekend. It will be glorious.
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 12:28 pm
I need to pick up a new Gators shirt tonight too. And one for GGuy. We got free shirts with our season tickets but mine is too big.
Christy August 30, 2013, 12:46 pm
So excited! I saw someone in a Ravens t-shirt for Purple Friday and I practically squealed with excitement.
iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2013, 12:04 pm
FOOTBALL IS BACK BITCHES! It’s like the night before Christmas. I can’t wait to get off work, have a beer and go to bed so I can wake up early and get my work out over so I can be on the couch for college gameday.
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 12:08 pm
We’re going to the game tomorrow so I have to go buy shorts. Ah. The 90+ degree temps and crazy humidity and direct full sun and 12:21 game are driving me into the arms of shorts. The things I do for football.
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 12:12 pm
Shorts?!?! Slow it down there Miley 😉
Fabelle August 30, 2013, 12:19 pm
haha, I like that apparently you don’t even ~have~ a pair of shorts, you have to go buy some (although now that I think about it, I have very few pairs as well. Most are “dress shorts” like… fall shorts?)
Here, I’m bored so I looked for shorts (at Kohl’s, even ;))
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 12:27 pm
I actually do not own a pair of shorts!! I have two from JCrew but they are too small since I gained a few pounds this summer.
While I do love all of those you posted, specially the LC pair, I would look quite silly in a Gators t and fancy shorts!
Fabelle August 30, 2013, 12:38 pm
Oh, WORD. hahaha, wow, I totally forgot why you were buying them!!
CatsMeow August 30, 2013, 12:56 pm
Same! I had ONE pair of shorts but they no longer fit because I gained weight. When I went to Florida, I wore dresses every day. My dad would be like, “Why are you so dressed up again?” I prefer dresses to shorts anyway. GG don’t you have a skirt you could wear your T-shirt with?
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 12:58 pm
Yeah, I might have a skirt. That’s what I usually do- maxi dresses/skirts or stay inside, haha. Or maybe I’ll just buy a new skirt! Or a Gators dress…
rachel August 30, 2013, 3:43 pm
I bought these earlier in the summer, they’re a good length, and comfy!
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 3:49 pm
Thanks! I’ll check them out!
theattack August 30, 2013, 12:28 pm
Next summer I’m going to ask you to find my shorts for me, Fab.
Fabelle August 30, 2013, 12:39 pm
😀 I’ll do it!
bittergaymark August 30, 2013, 12:37 pm
Yay! Still more Brain damage for asshole jocks everywhere!!
iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2013, 12:44 pm
Don’t act like you don’t like those tight uniforms. I mean seriously. Football butt is a real thing, and I like it.
Christy August 30, 2013, 12:47 pm
Brain damage: legitimate concern
Asshole jocks: only some of them. There are a few who are awesome gay-rights advocates, too. Chris Kluwe, Brendon Ayabadejo are the two main ones.
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 12:52 pm
And there is the Play 60 initiative fighting childhood obesity, the breast and prostate cancer awareness campaigns, NFL Green promoting better environmental practices.
And the tight pants.
bittergaymark August 30, 2013, 1:32 pm
Actually, my sarcasm here was about those who take such pleasure from a game that has literally destroyed the lives and brains on thousands of its participants…
Yeah. I think its REALLY fucked up.
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:35 pm
Did you hear about the concussion settlement?
Bittergaymark August 30, 2013, 3:37 pm
Yep. Prompted my post…
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 1:38 pm
But the chance of serious injury while playing a contact sport (such as hockey, football, boxing) has been known for decades. They electively play such sports…so yeah I don’t get the argument. You can’t elect to do something risky and then get pissed when the risk happens to you, IMO anyways.
bittergaymark August 30, 2013, 1:28 pm
LW1) You’re ALL fucking out to lunch on the birth control issue… Only Wendy is right. I’m not even sure if they are having sex yet. Its all future tense… Pay for you own fucking hormone and cyst control. All these “he should pay” responses, You all sound so fucking cheap. I’ve never made my lovers pay for lube because “they” get to “use” it to. Take some fucking responsibility for your bodies and your fucking selves.
LW2) After polishing up your mother of the year award, get your tubes tied as you clearly can’t pick men for shit. “Hey, after four years of a fucked up not mess — lets make a baby!!” Ugh. I weep for the future.
LW3). Are you a lesbian? I swear only a woman could infer so much without even asking the most simple and obvious question… If you are a lesbian though, it does give your paranoia here much more credibility… Ask. Ask!! ASK!!! For all you know, no formal invite was deemed necessary as your attendance is such a given.
bittergaymark August 30, 2013, 1:34 pm
The above was meant to be a GENERAL reply to this thread. Whoops.
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 1:38 pm
Shouldn’t a man take responsibility for his role in impregnating a woman though? I mean if you think about it, if its only the woman’s responsibility to not get pregnant, then why do men even pay child support? Since, ya know, its obviously the woman’s fault she got pregnant since she didn’t take care of her own body.
rachel August 30, 2013, 3:45 pm
Ooh, interesting theory on LW3
Lindsay August 31, 2013, 12:32 am
Yeah, women are the only ones responsible for getting pregnant. It’s not like men contribute anything to that.
bittergaymark August 31, 2013, 12:36 am
He’d probably be MORE than willing to spring for condoms, but she doesn’t want to use them…
theattack August 30, 2013, 11:45 am
I like the way you put that. It’s what they choose to rely on. If he agrees to rely on her BC pill for contraception, he should contribute to that. If they agree to use condoms all the time too, maybe it would be more appropriate for him to buy condoms while she buys the pills, or they could split both costs in half. He doesn’t get out of contributing just because she benefits from the pill in multiple ways. (And honestly, he probably benefits from the pill in those ways too. If she has cysts or hormonal problems without the pill, I’m sure that would affect him and maybe their sex life too.)
rosie posie August 30, 2013, 11:29 am
I have to agree with everyone else. I have always paid for my own birth control and many times purchased condoms (even with long term partners). I feel all of this is a small price to pay for my own protection.
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 11:32 am
I totally think its crazy for a guy you are regularly sleeping with to refuse to help pay for birth control. CRAZY! I’ve never had issues with paying for it myself, so I’ve never asked, but if I did and they said no, I’d think they were assholes. I agree with TA that if a guy refuses to pay, you shouldn’t be sleeping with him.
Skyblossom August 30, 2013, 11:40 am
I never worried about it because there was no co-pay in college and then I had my health insurance and again there was little or no co-pay and then we were married and we’ve always had health insurance and the co-pay came out of our joint account.
Sex is mutual and the consequences of sex are also mutual so why shouldn’t the birth control also be mutual.
theattack August 30, 2013, 11:47 am
This goes beyond birth control too. This is a teamwork issue, like we were talking about yesterday. Relationships are based on working together as a team. People who are committed to doing that don’t try to get out of stuff like this. To me this is a big red flag that he’s not cut out for a relationship.
Red_Lady August 30, 2013, 5:41 pm
Since there’s not a whole lot of info given in the letter….. what if her BC is crazy expensive? Maybe his argument is that they just use condoms, b/c if they’re only doing it a few times a month, they wouldn’t even have to buy condoms very often. If that were the case, I’d totally agree that he doesn’t have to pay. She needs the pill for reasons other than BC, therefore it falls under her medical expenses. Yes, it happens to also have a benefit for the both of them, but it’s not the only way to prevent pregnancy. The reason she NEEDS these pills have nothing to do with preventing pregnancy.
cdobbs August 30, 2013, 11:33 am
LW1….i think you should pay for your own BCPs….i think it is up to the person to be responsible for their own body….what if you were serially dating, are you going to ask every single guy you may or may not be having sex with to pay for their portion of the birth control? just my take on it….especially in an instance where you need it for medical reasons
LW2….you need to get away from this man
LW3….how long have you been together? if not that long than i can see you being excluded….if you’ve been together for a substantial amount of time (more than 1 year?), then it would be unusual for you to be excluded….if it is really bothering you talk to your girlfriend
theattack August 30, 2013, 11:40 am
I think it’s problematic to say “be responsible for your own body” when 1) women are the only ones who would be responsible for anything under that, and 2) If men do buy the condoms (good luck since so many of them are always trying to get out of that too), that’s worlds cheaper than birth control. I could agree with you if both men and women were taking birth control and having to pay for it, but the burden systematically always falls on women right now.
katie August 30, 2013, 11:47 am
haha, that is like the paying for dates thing- its great to say, whoever asks pays, but men are still always expected to ask.
theattack August 30, 2013, 11:48 am
cdobbs August 30, 2013, 2:33 pm
i don’t know….its a slippery slope….at what point is a relationship substantial enough to ask a man to pay for half of your BCPs? are you going to ask every guy you intend to sleep with to pay for them? i say if you intend on being sexually active and don’t want to get pregnant than it is your responsibility to protect yourself….if you don’t want to pay the big costs of BCP than buy condoms (whether you are a man or a woman)…..women should buy condoms to protect themselves from std’s and pregnancy…..and again i wouldn’t ask a guy to pay for half of them….i would expect the guy to buy condoms, but if he didn’t and i still wanted to sleep with him i would definitely buy them
LadyinPurpleNotRed August 30, 2013, 4:58 pm
It’s not cheaper any more. Birth Control has one cost per month. You could have to be buying condoms multiple times a month (though probably not for this couple, but in general). With the new rules in place, you can get birth control for free…not condoms.
katie August 30, 2013, 11:34 am
LW1- i would be weary of any man who refused to help out with birth control of any type. period. and i would be double weary of a guy who would hang the worth of birth control, and his contribution towards it, on how many times we have sex a month. that is just so messed up i cant stand it.
LW2- you need to MOA. get help.
LW3- there are soooo many different senarios and circumstances that could be going on right now, but because you havent just, oh i dont know– ASKED what is going on means that you will be left to your own devices to stew at your partner for anything your head can conjure up. good luck with that!
Amybelle August 30, 2013, 11:43 am
I think it would be fair for the BF to pay 25% of the cost of the pills, he still gets the benefit of contraception even though she is taking them for medical reasons as well. I also think the BF showed a bit of dickishness by citing the limited amount of times they would have sex as the reason he didn’t want to help pay. He comes off as cheap and for lack of a better word, ungentlemanly. Aim higher.
rainbow August 30, 2013, 11:53 am
Cheap and ungentlemanly, indeed. I vote MOA.
iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2013, 11:53 am
I’m sure there’s a much more complicated formula we could come up with for exactly how much he should pay based on the following factors: how often they bang (obviously adjusted for months like February that only have 28 days – except leap years – that extra day will have to be included); how much foreplay they do before p in v (obviously less if some of his pre cum goes in her mouth and not her hot pocket); the size of her boobs; the circumference of his penis; who initiates the sex; how long it lasts.
I mean really the list is endless. I think a more accurate guesstimation is that he should be paying 32.4% every month with 30 or less days, 28.6% every month with 31 days, and he has to tip her for any month they bang more than 4 times. Preferably just by leaving it on the nightstand.
Just Max August 30, 2013, 12:00 pm
How much tip? 10%? 20%?
iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2013, 12:03 pm
Wow that formula could also get really complicated. It depends on the intensity of the blast off, whether she licks his balls, extra for costumes, duration of penetration vs. minutes spent on the member.
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 12:04 pm
I’d just base it on who orgasms first.
rainbow August 30, 2013, 12:05 pm
Add the fact that the average woman has about 6 fertile days a month and it goes down to 32.4 / 5 % for a month with 30 days, and tips are expected only during this time window.
Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 11:48 am
If I were the BF to LW1, with sex just 3-4 times a month, I too would not want to pay for the pills. I’d want more sex for more bang for the buck. Literally. Bada bing!
(^ too forced? ^)
Amybelle August 30, 2013, 11:48 am
LW2 you passed enough a while back, your perception is off from being in an abusive relationship. Please get help and get out, your house is full of evil bees!
Addie Pray August 30, 2013, 11:50 am
I agree. The “bomb” was definitely not sending naked pics out on Craigslist – there were a ton of other bombs that went off way before then.
rainbow August 30, 2013, 11:51 am
LW1: WWS, but if I asked my partner to help me pay for birth control and he replied something like “nah, it’s not worth it, we’re not boning enough” My lady boner would change her name, dye her hair, move to outer space and NEVER COME BACK.
I vote tell him you can’t afford your pills anymore so you’re not going to take them anymore, so you’ll need to use condoms. Money and disposition will suddenly appear, I bet.
lets_be_honest August 30, 2013, 11:53 am
Then he should pay for 4/31 of the cost (stole that from katie, haha)
marin August 30, 2013, 11:58 am
About LW1: I don’t think it’s so unfair of her to ask for her boyfriend to pay for some of the cost of the pills. Yes, she takes it for her own medical reasons, but wouldn’t she take BC anyway even if she didn’t need for her own health? I think this is something she is doing for BOTH of them and the boyfriend should conytibute if she asks. Maybe not go 50/50, but pay a third, or buy like 3 boxes for her once a year. It is her boyfriend after all, not some random hookup. They are saving money on condoms right?
I think they really need to have an honest discussion about this because otherwise they will resent each other.
I have always gotten my BC for free because of health insurance. When we do use condoms (I’m on a IUD so I want to be EXTRA protected when ovulating) my boyfriends pays for them, because I have to wax down there once a month and he doesn’t… I would be extremely put off if he refused to share the cost of BC… I mean, yeah, you won’t get pregnant but does that mean you don’t care if I do???
Getting more and more annoyed at the LW’s boyfriend as I write.
GatorGirl August 30, 2013, 12:56 pm
LW2 Please don’t justify your husbands violence. Just because he was drunk, or didn’t actually hit you- there are not reasons to stay with him. There is no justification for violence- it is always unacceptable. Is this the life you want for your daughter? Is this the model relationship you want your daughter to see? Is this the life you want for yourself? Please seek help, get out, and get counseling for both yourself and your daughter.
TaraMonster August 30, 2013, 12:09 pm
So I can’t get over how gross LW1’s bf’s reasoning is for not wanting to split the cost.
You’re not paying per-ride, you creep. It’s sex, not a metro card. Who are you, Rush Limbaugh? Do you not know how BC works? Here’s a bit of common knowledge biology for you: it only takes one time to make a baby.
That said, while I generally think the cost should be split, LW1 seems to view getting a boyfriend as a cost-reduction plan or something. Which is just weird. Keep paying for your pills as you’ve always done.
rainbow August 30, 2013, 12:10 pm
“You’re not paying per-ride, you creep”
Gwen Soul August 30, 2013, 12:12 pm
yeah, it does seem weird when people nickel and dime each other, I guess I have always been a “it will even out in the end’ type person even though I have been called cheap many times (by my husband and mother who do say it lovingly)
Emsz August 30, 2013, 3:58 pm
“You’re not paying per-ride, you creep. It’s sex, not a metro card.” <– This is the most hilarious thing I have read all week.
Essie August 30, 2013, 1:57 pm
It was ‘enough’ a long time ago.
You know whether a man loves you by what he does, not what he says. This man does not love you, and his actions have made that very, very clear. He treats you like garbage.
There’s absolutely no reason to stay with a man who doesn’t want you. And a whole lot of reasons to leave. First and most important, your daughter. You – not just him, but you – are doing emotional damage to her every single day that you stay with this man. She may not say it, she may not show it, but believe me, it’s there.
You’re her mother, and it’s your responsibility to get her out of that situation. Today. If you don’t have enough respect for yourself to get out, then please, please, have enough love for her that you get her away from this man and get yourself out of that marriage.
Use the link that Wendy sent you. Today. Please.
Lucy August 31, 2013, 2:01 am
LW3: you’re dating a woman with a 26 year old child, so you’re presumably over 16 yourself. But you’re seriously thinking of ending a relationship over this presumed snub without even talking to your girlfriend about it first? I actually think you should do her a favour and break up with her, because you sound like an immature dolt.