Shortcuts: “He’s Having a Baby with His Ex. Should I Stay With Him?”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I have been with my boyfriend off and on because he goes back and forth between me and his ex who has a baby on the way next month. He and I already have two babies together and we live together, but I’m wondering if it makes sense for me to stay? He has made it clear to the other woman that he’s in a relationship with me, but she is the type who doesn’t care. On top of all that, his family loves her because they have seven or more years history, and they don’t like me me because I’m twelve years his senior. — Twelve Years His Senior

Yeah, I don’t think he has “made it clear” that he’s in a relationship with you and isn’t available to her since he got her pregnant a few months ago. Where’s the clarity in that? Girl, he’s playing you and he’s gonna keep on playing you — and the other woman — as long as you both let him ping-pong between you both. If it were I, I’d MOA and get a full STD screening, too.

I have been dating my boyfriend for well over seven years and we have lived together almost three years. Certain things have been bothering me that I may be overthinking, as a woman usually does. I have been noticing that my boyfriend has had money issues all of a sudden and that, when it comes to talk about marriage, he’s on the fence. He says he’ll one day marry me and he always says he’s happy to have me, but we haven’t had a nice night out in a while and sex is down to once a month when it used to always be frequent. Am I losing him to someone else, or is it a relationship gone comfortable? I do love him, but I’m starting to worry myself in my thinking process. Please clear this fog in my head. — Foggy Head

I can’t clear this up for you; only your boyfriend can, and only if he tells you the truth. What I can tell you is that noticing changes in your relationship, being uncomfortable or dissatisfied with those changes, and wondering if those changes reflect changes in your partner’s feelings do NOT signify overthinking anything. Furthermore, who says that a woman “usually overthinks things”? Your boyfriend? Your friends? Other people? Those people suck and they’re being sexist and they’re wrong. Thinking, in general, does not mean overthinking, and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is avoiding an honest discussion. If that describes your boyfriend, consider that a red flag… along with the suddenly infrequent sex, sudden money issues, lack of dates, and apathy towards marriage seven years in. All of this warrants some serious discussions–and a breakup if things don’t change.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

6 Comments

The first one seems very familiar. Wasn’t it in the forums?

He isn’t making anything clear if he’s impregnating other women.

SpaceySteph says:

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I think it seems familiar because we get a variation of this question every couple months (I bet Wendy gets like 1 a week but doesn’t post them all). But yeah, she isn’t forcing him to cheat on you, by “not caring” that he’s with you. It’s ridiculous to blame the “other woman” for your boyfriend’s bad behavior– he deserves the majority of the blame.

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Cleopatra Jones says:

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It was on another shortcuts earlier this week.

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1. Cleopatra Jones says:
  
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  https://dearwendy.com/shortcuts-my-boyfriend-maybe-slept-with-his-sister/#more-670932
2. Dear Wendy says:
  
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  Oops! Sorry – I’ve had serious brain fog this week!

I’m not even sure LW 2 needs to wait for a discussion. The guys actions speak of someone who wants to leave but doesn’t have the balls to say so, so they act like a complete asshole till you break up. And really…the sex isn’t great…you think the money issue is being used as an excuse but what if he’s telling the truth? You really want to marry someone with financial issues who makes you miserable? (And you do sound miserable.)