Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “His Ex Sent Screenshots of Their Texts, But He Says She’s Crazy”

I have been dating this guy for a year and two months now. At first everything was great. We got along well and he brought me out of my shell and supported me emotionally (I was going through a custody battle at the time). We ended up moving in together after nine months, but about a few months ago his ex texted me to ask if we were dating. I didn’t respond as I wanted to speak to my boyfriend about it first, and she proceeded to send me screenshots of all the messages between him and her. I confronted him about it, and he said that his ex was crazy and that she was doing it because she was trying to take his son from him. I will say that during the time I have lived with him I haven’t seen him call or video chat with her and he has been home every day after work. He is very secretive with his phone though, putting it face down or turning it away while texting. He tells me he loves me and only me and that I’m overreacting, but I feel consumed by this and I can’t get it out of my mind. I want to believe him, but every time I bring it up he gets angry and refuses to talk to me. He also refuses to post any pictures of us on social media, saying he doesn’t want his life on social media, therefore adding to my doubt. He says I’m insecure and need to work on that because he is getting fed up. I don’t know what to do. Do you think he is lying and should I just leave? — In Love and Confused



Yes, absolutely he is lying and you should leave. You already know this, but if it makes you feel better having a stranger confirm that you are not crazy for doubting his sincerity, here it is (check the comments, too, as I’m sure there will be others agreeing with me). Your boyfriend preyed on you; he knew he could manipulate you and earn your trust by pretending to emotionally support you during a vulnerable time. He’s never been genuine and he’s never been committed to you and he’s never really loved you. I know it hurts to hear these things, but you have to love yourself enough to get out of this bad situation. And in the future, don’t pursue a relationship when you are feeling particularly vulnerable because you know about yourself now that your jerk radar is compromised when you aren’t your strongest self, and bad men will sniff that out and prey on you again if you let them.

I was wondering if you could help with my problem? I have a girlfriend and I’m happy with her, but there’s this other girl who has said she likes me and wants to have sex with me. I really want to see where things go with this girl, but I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend. — Curious

 
The kindest thing you can do for your girlfriend is break up with her and give her the gift of finding a better man who won’t ditch her the first chance he has to have sex with another woman. She’ll be hurt in the short-term but so much better off in the long-term.

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for 15 months. He has an ex he dated for eight years and with whom he has a son. Last month she texted him and asked if he was going to send child support, and he told her that he is homeless and he hasn’t had a job in a while. She mentioned he should move somewhere where there is work because there is nothing for him here. He then responded with, “Well, thank God I have friends to stay with.” We have been living together for a year now and it breaks my heart knowing that he won’t say anything about me to her — that he won’t say that he is happy and living with me and will help when he can. What would you say about this? — Heartbroken

 
Rather than him not telling his ex about that he’s happily dating a new girlfriend, I’d be a lot more broken-hearted — and absolutely disgusted — that he has a child he doesn’t support and that he lies about his living situation and seemingly avoids getting a job to avoid paying child support. What do you think it says about his character that he’s a deadbeat dad? I sure hope you are using great multiple kinds of birth control because if you have a baby with this guy, you know you’ll get zero help from him.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

17 comments… add one
  • avatar

    JD October 12, 2018, 9:05 am

    LW1: Anytime a man says his ex is crazy it means, I am lying, did something messed up, whatever, and I am blaming her. Ok, not anytime, there are some crazy exes out there, but it should always be a giant red flag. I know for a fact my husbands ex is in fact nutter butter as I knew her before him and let me tell you, he never says a bad thing about her…at most he says her behavior is frustrating.

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    • avatar

      Rebecca October 12, 2018, 10:23 am

      “My actions make normal people act insane!” Yup.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph October 12, 2018, 11:24 am

      Yup, in a few months, LW1 is the new crazy ex. Never ever trust a man who says his ex is crazy as a way of explaining his own bad behavior.

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  • avatar

    Poppy October 12, 2018, 9:15 am

    Agree with Wendy……but omg LW3. You are with a deadbeat. Who gives a shit if he makes yalls situation public or not, he isnt helping support his child. I sure the hell hope you arent contributing to taking food out of his childs mouth everytime he takes you on a date or buys you something.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros October 12, 2018, 9:56 am

    LW1: It sounds like you’re choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt just because you don’t want to lose him. It’s pretty obvious he’s lying. Also, you mention a custody battle — I’d hope that if your kids live with you, you wouldn’t move someone in after only 9 months of dating.

    LW2: You don’t get to have a girlfriend and “see where things go” sexually with another woman. Break up with your girlfriend since you’re not that into the relationship. It’s a lot more hurtful to cheat than to let her move on to someone else.

    LW3: It always makes me sad when women write in who are more concerned with whether their boyfriend likes them enough than the fact that their boyfriend is a crappy father. He pretend to be homeless to get out of paying child support. Why on earth would you want to be with such a terrible father? Maybe take even just one moment to consider something other than yourself in this situation — like perhaps a child whose dad is a deadbeat? Also, can you imagine what it would be like to raise a kid without any support from the dad? Who is lying? And clearly doesn’t care about their kid?

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph October 12, 2018, 11:25 am

      Maybe it was custody of the dog?

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      • avatar

        dinoceros October 12, 2018, 11:37 am

        In that case, maybe he’s worth it. Anyone who spends that much effort on emotional support during a dog custody battle is pretty special. 😉

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    • avatar

      Sarah October 13, 2018, 3:57 pm

      Your boyfriend is a loser.

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  • avatar

    for_cutie October 12, 2018, 10:27 am

    Loser parade today:
    LW1: WWS MOA
    LW2: You’re the loser and need to get out of all relationships if what you really want is easy sex.
    LW3: WWS MOA, Aim higher

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine October 12, 2018, 10:57 am

    God I love my husband.

    Ladies, hopefully you’ll find your way to higher standards because you are clinging to total dregs.

    Lw2 grow up and stop wasting your girlfriend’s time.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster October 12, 2018, 11:28 am

    I’m in a bad mood already so sorry in advance for my impatience, but what the ever loving shit is wrong with ppl like LW3?! In sum, LW: you hitched up with a guy who had nowhere to live, no job, who is a deadbeat dad to some poor kid and your biggest concern is him telling his ex about you?! OH MY GOD. Do you not see how screwed up your priorities are? Aim higher! And until/if you come to your senses make sure you’re on birth control before another child has to grow up in this mess.

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    • avatar

      ron October 12, 2018, 7:02 pm

      But she didn’t have a bf and now she does. He’s a deadbeat, who can’t support his child or himself. This is security — he’s not financially able to leave her, unless he finds a woman who is both more pathetic and who has more money than she does. And now that she has found herself a bf, whether or not another woman’s child has enough food to eat doesn’t mean crap to her. She dreads the thought of being alone again.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph October 12, 2018, 11:29 am

    LW2, you can’t control your girlfriend’s reaction to you wanting to sleep with another woman.
    But if you aren’t into her enough that you are interested in seeing what else is out there, you do far less damage by breaking up with her before pursuing other women than either by cheating or by staying in a relationship that isn’t the right one for even longer because you don’t want to hurt her.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark October 12, 2018, 2:53 pm

    LW1). What exactly was the nature of the texts? Dull chitchat? Or salacious flirting? How could you not bother to include this info?
    .
    LW2). Exhibit 2,178,965 as to why monogomy rately works.
    .
    LW3). Wow. For fuck’s saje, the workd really is just all about you, eh? Fuck off. Seriously…

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  • avatar

    anonymousse October 12, 2018, 7:07 pm

    LW1: Wendy’s right. He preyed on you and now you are seeing more deeply into the kind of person he is. You feel insecure because of his texts to his ex? He gets angry and won’t talk to you. He’s a loser. Get stronger before you date again.
    I feel pretty confident that anyone who makes effort to hide their phone is probably up to no good. One way or another.

    LW2: Did you really write in asking how’s you could fuck one woman and not hurt your gf in the process?

    LW3: Is he working? If he’s working and not paying child support…you should talk to him about that. Maybe you should talk to his ex about that. Child support is court ordered financial support for his own children.

    You don’t get much sleazier that not even providing the bare minimumto children you sired. I’m sure you can do better without a loser for a bf.

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    • avatar

      Anonimo October 12, 2018, 11:08 pm

      It was flirting him telling her he wanted to be with her . And she was beautiful he’d never forget her things to that nature .

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  • avatar

    CET October 13, 2018, 6:53 am

    LW3, your boyfriend is NOT supporting his own child. That child is NOT getting financial support or his father’s love and time. That child is suffering for it. Only true lowlifes do this to their own child. I am totally disgusted with people like this…it needs to be his #1 priority to get a job and to send money to his child and honestly to be a good person and start spending time with that child and letting him know he loves him. This is his duty. Growing up being abandoned by one of your parents makes you feel crappy about yourself. This guy needs to step up and be a FATHER. Everything else you are complaining about is silly.

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