I have been dating this guy for a year and two months now. At first everything was great. We got along well and he brought me out of my shell and supported me emotionally (I was going through a custody battle at the time). We ended up moving in together after nine months, but about a few months ago his ex texted me to ask if we were dating. I didn’t respond as I wanted to speak to my boyfriend about it first, and she proceeded to send me screenshots of all the messages between him and her. I confronted him about it, and he said that his ex was crazy and that she was doing it because she was trying to take his son from him. I will say that during the time I have lived with him I haven’t seen him call or video chat with her and he has been home every day after work. He is very secretive with his phone though, putting it face down or turning it away while texting. He tells me he loves me and only me and that I’m overreacting, but I feel consumed by this and I can’t get it out of my mind. I want to believe him, but every time I bring it up he gets angry and refuses to talk to me. He also refuses to post any pictures of us on social media, saying he doesn’t want his life on social media, therefore adding to my doubt. He says I’m insecure and need to work on that because he is getting fed up. I don’t know what to do. Do you think he is lying and should I just leave? — In Love and Confused
Yes, absolutely he is lying and you should leave. You already know this, but if it makes you feel better having a stranger confirm that you are not crazy for doubting his sincerity, here it is (check the comments, too, as I’m sure there will be others agreeing with me). Your boyfriend preyed on you; he knew he could manipulate you and earn your trust by pretending to emotionally support you during a vulnerable time. He’s never been genuine and he’s never been committed to you and he’s never really loved you. I know it hurts to hear these things, but you have to love yourself enough to get out of this bad situation. And in the future, don’t pursue a relationship when you are feeling particularly vulnerable because you know about yourself now that your jerk radar is compromised when you aren’t your strongest self, and bad men will sniff that out and prey on you again if you let them.
I was wondering if you could help with my problem? I have a girlfriend and I’m happy with her, but there’s this other girl who has said she likes me and wants to have sex with me. I really want to see where things go with this girl, but I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend. — Curious
The kindest thing you can do for your girlfriend is break up with her and give her the gift of finding a better man who won’t ditch her the first chance he has to have sex with another woman. She’ll be hurt in the short-term but so much better off in the long-term.
I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for 15 months. He has an ex he dated for eight years and with whom he has a son. Last month she texted him and asked if he was going to send child support, and he told her that he is homeless and he hasn’t had a job in a while. She mentioned he should move somewhere where there is work because there is nothing for him here. He then responded with, “Well, thank God I have friends to stay with.” We have been living together for a year now and it breaks my heart knowing that he won’t say anything about me to her — that he won’t say that he is happy and living with me and will help when he can. What would you say about this? — Heartbroken
Rather than him not telling his ex about that he’s happily dating a new girlfriend, I’d be a lot more broken-hearted — and absolutely disgusted — that he has a child he doesn’t support and that he lies about his living situation and seemingly avoids getting a job to avoid paying child support. What do you think it says about his character that he’s a deadbeat dad? I sure hope you are using great multiple kinds of birth control because if you have a baby with this guy, you know you’ll get zero help from him.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.