Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “How Do I Stop Sleeping With My Married Neighbor?”

text messageIt’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I talked to a neighbor of nine years about a personal issue. He hugged and comforted me. Four months later he texted me and within two days we were hot-n-heavy sexting, which awoke a latent passion in me after twemty years of no sex. I sent him sexy pics of me and his focus is always on my breasts – tight button-up shirts, etc. I slept with him twice, and stopped it twice, since I couldn’t see where this could really go. He’s married. Problem is, I’m so turned on now I want to keep pursuing it though it’s against my morals. I’m feeling obsessed to text him and start things up again. How do I stop this? HELP! — Feeling So Turned On

Oh, please. It’s not like your married neighbor is the only guy who will sext you and have sex with you. It’s, like, the easiest thing in the world for a woman to find a casual sex (or sexting) partner. Go sit in a bar alone at happy hour and smile at anyone who looks attractive to you and you’ll probably have a handful of numbers by 7 PM with which you can exchange steamy sexts if that’s what turns you on. Hell, you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your home if you don’t want — go on any number of dating sites or even Craigslist and indicate that you’re looking for someone to sext with (but be smart about this and don’t share personal info, like your home address or place of employment, with anyone you haven’t met and vetted in person). If it’s intimacy you crave, you’d be better off getting to know someone as a friend first before immediately diving into tit pics.

My son and his girlfriend live together a few miles from our home. Things have been tight for them financially. I had allowed them to do their laundry here, but I don’t anymore. They continually left clothes in the machines, and in order to do my own laundry, I was forced to do theirs, too. (They are in their mid-late 20s.) Moreover, they stuffed the machines, causing strain on the motors. After several warnings, I suspended their laundry privilege. They also occasionally need our computer. My husband says that they aren’t using it as directed either, and are leaving us vulnerable to computer viruses. Now I’ve become aware that girlfriend is snooping when I’m not here. We love our son. He is mentally ill, but he complies with his meds and leads a fairly normal, if humble, life. He loves this girl very much. My husband dislikes her. I know that informing her that she’s not to enter our house when we aren’t here will be hurtful. But the snooping is unacceptable. — Invasion of Privacy

Here’s what you say to your son: “We love you very much and are so proud of you and pleased that you’ve found love and happiness with your girlfriend. While we support you and your relationship with her, we cannot support any invasion of our privacy or abuse of our personal possessions. Thus, we respectfully ask that neither of you enter our home or use our belongings without permission from us. This means the key you have to our place is to be used only in emergency and that we must otherwise be here to welcome you inside, which, as always, we will do with open arms.”


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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

21 comments… add one
  • artsygirl June 10, 2016, 9:32 am

    LW1 – Of for FFS go out and find a BF, your married neighbor is not acceptable as a lover.

    LW2 – I would look into buying your son and his GF a preloaded gift card to the local laundry mat in their town and suggest they sign up for library cards since you can use the computers there when you are a member. Wendy’s comments on how to approach it are spot on.

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  • Diablo June 10, 2016, 10:28 am

    LW1: Keep it up, and you’re going to lose women the right to vote (yes, for anyone who noticed, I stole that joke from Amy Schumer, a known woman and sort of feminist herself). “What can I do? I’m possessed by my itchy vajajay, and it keeps telling me to do things that are against my morals but I can’t stop! It WON’T be DENIED!!!!” Now, let’s not be sexist here. To be fair, I’m sure your married neighbour has no choice here either. No! wait! That’s your fault, too! Your sinister satanic boobs are telling him to do things! How could he resist? i’m sure his dick keeps quacking into his ear all day long, “Get some! It’s string-free! Her vag told me it would be OK!” This is the kind of sadsack nonsense that weakens and embattles the notion of consent in our society: “Oh, but I had no choice, judge. I had to obey my nature.” You know where that leads, right? I don’t have to say it, do I? Own your choices, ffs.

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  • Guy Friday June 10, 2016, 10:56 am

    I rarely comment on Shortcut letters, but even I can’t pass on LW1’s question. “How do I stop having sex with my married neighbor?” Uh . . you just do. I mean, I’m assuming he doesn’t have some bionic penis with a tractor beam that drags you vagina-first into him (though who knows with today’s technological breakthroughs?). This is entirely within your power.

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    • Jessibel5 June 10, 2016, 11:34 am

      Right? Exactly what I was thinking, that it’s in her power. The kindest response I can muster is LW, you gather up your willpower and you just stop doing it. You stop responding, you tell him you can’t be in contact anymore. I know it’s the easy thing to do, and the thing that feels good, is to keep doing this with him. But you just gotta stop.

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    • Diablo June 10, 2016, 12:18 pm

      GF, I feel like we would be reading about different issues if the guy had a bionic penis (that is, assuming she survived to write in). As a boy, I always used to wonder about the Superman/Lois Lane thing. Like, okay, at the beginning, he could let her be on top and control things, but toward the finish, how would he avoid getting too excited and punching random holes in her with his dick of steel? And even if he managed not to shred her, would he blast her across the room or into space with the force of his super-ejaculation? Would the fly real fast around the earth to travel back in time to prolong her orgasm? or his? These are questions science cannot answer. If anyone out there has a bionic penis, we need to hear from you. (This should draw some traffic for this post.)

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      • Diablo June 10, 2016, 12:21 pm

        PS – Sorry all, it’s Friday and my boss is away, so I clearly am lacking some discipline/structure/restraint today.

      • kare June 10, 2016, 1:52 pm

        The movie Mallrats has a discussion about this. They also mention that Lois Lane could never carry Superman’s spawn because the child would be able to kick through her uterus. So Superman was most likely a virgin.

      • Diablo June 10, 2016, 2:35 pm

        No wonder Supe needed to visit his “Fortress of Solitude” so much, and needed it to be in a very remote location. I suspect Supergirl would have similar issues mating with mortals. Even “upstairs outsideys” could be a problem – an erect nipple could probly slice you up good.

      • JMac June 10, 2016, 5:32 pm

        The science fiction writer Larry Niven did an essay on this some years ago. The title was “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex”. Among other things, he pointed out that poor Superman knows exactly what he is missing since he has X-ray vision and so few people are modest enough to wear lead underwear these days.

  • T June 10, 2016, 11:09 am

    LW1 – spot on.
    LW2 – This is a tough situation. If it were typical mid-20 year olds, you just kick them out and tell them not to use your things unless invited. But I think the level of kindness and gentleness you need to bring really depends on the type of mental illness your son has. You don’t want to shut him off from assistance he needs. And is the gf completely mentally typical? Do you know? Because her snooping, while unacceptable, I’m guessing is resulting from more than just rudeness. It’s hard because you probably can’t really just talk to your son and have him deal with her. Anyway, result is probably the same – have them come over while you’re there, and see if you can find other ways to help them be more independent at their house – I’m just acknowledging that this is not an easy situation and more detail on the son’s disability and what his gf is like might help color the answer.

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  • Brise June 10, 2016, 11:47 am

    LW2: I wonder if you are not a bit pernickety about your stuff, when someone else is using it, especially your son’s girlfriend. The overstuffed washing machine whose motor could break, the computer vulnerable to viruses: this is really no big deal, if not completely in your imagination, and it reminds me some old people I know who are so boring and uptight with their belongings. It also smells dislike.
    I think you should be happy your son has found love and should encourage it. The problem is: they both still act like children. So don’t lecture them like little children. I would, like other posters suggested, offer them a washing machine and a computer, if they are poor. Those are very basic equipment that everybody needs. So they will be less dependent on you. Better for everyone. Her snooping: don’t address her, but say to your son you prefer that nobody uses your house when you are absent. You will do the same with their home: that is a matter of respect. Be less hostile towards her. What she did, as far as we know, is not terrible at all. Consider her as an ally regarding your son’s happiness.

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    • Ange June 10, 2016, 3:40 pm

      So how many washing machines or computers have you had to replace or repair due to someone else’s negligence? I’ve had to do both and it’s expensive and annoying. Nothing wrong with wanting your things (and privacy!) respected.

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      • Seriously? Seriously! June 10, 2016, 3:52 pm

        My washing machine just broke, about 15 mins ago, and am not excited about dealing with that. Dishwasher broke last month and freaking $800 to replace it (long story about why we needed, ok big lie, wanted the really good one). Appliances breaking sucks. And fwiw, we didn’t “overload” either. They just break. apparently.

    • istrice01 July 23, 2019, 8:44 pm

      Brise, I do wonder if you’re mentally ill, because you certainly sound as if you are. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with demanding that your possessions be treated with care when you permit others to use them. They’re yours after all. Appliances have been known to break if mishandled, and that includes computers and washers. Also, you don’t think violating someone’s privacy is terrible at all?! I think you’ve been guilty of doing what these people have done, so you’re more or less defending yourself. You are NUTS!

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      • anonymousse July 24, 2019, 6:33 am

        It’s ridiculously immature to call someone mentally unwell after reading one comment from them. This post is three years old. I could insult you about that but the truth is you were googling this topic, found this post and decided to insult someone else. That all speaks for itself.

      • PDX816 July 24, 2019, 5:22 pm

        This comment is uncalled for, you might not agree with her opinion (I don’t either) but you DO NOT get to call someone mentally ill because you don’t agree. Also, it’s incredibly insulting to people who might struggle with mental illness. Be better in life.

  • Addie Pray June 10, 2016, 11:57 am

    What Wendy said for both! LW2, out of curiosity, what is your son’s girlfriend snooping? Like, going threw your drawers? Your browser history? How did you catch her? I am just trying to visualize the situation.

    TGIF! I can’t wait for an open friend to tell you guys this: I took my baby swimming last Friday and I think i’m going to take him swimming again today. I bought him a long-sleeve rash guard and I’m excited to try it out on him. Also, you guys, this baby, while super wonderful in all other ways, is a lousy sleeper! I mean, he used to be pretty good. But not anymore! I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have to wake up a gazillion times to feed him or hold him or whatnot and I’m going crazy! Le sigh.

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    • Bondgirl June 10, 2016, 1:39 pm

      I am also curious as to how LW discovered the sons gf was snooping. If things are missing, I’d find a way to lock them up so she can’t get to them. I know my parents gave a set of keys to me as well as my other siblings, but I don’t know if this is typical. I just might be lucky. Anyway, my point with that is, LW May need to change the locks if she can’t trust her son to not enter the home when she’s not there.

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  • Bittergaymark July 24, 2019, 11:41 am

    The LW is completely 100% right about the trampoline. The liability issues alone couple with the noise factor guarantee there is no room for compromise here.
    BUT she is 100% wrong on this whole manufactured dispute over her walking home alone. Had she not PREVIOUSLY been so annoyed at his insistence, maybe she would have a better case here. But no. She is just looking for a reason to be pissed here. And this one is very feeble at best.

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    • Bittergaymark July 24, 2019, 11:42 am

      What? Wrong letter. DISREGARD.

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