“I’m Not Invited to My Husband’s Birthday Dinner”

My hubby’s friends are taking hubby out for dinner this Friday night. I’m sure their wives are going also. My hubby didn’t say I was invited and doesn’t want to ask if he could bring me. I’m embarrassed that he does not invite me or ask his friends if I can join him. Should I just accept it and not say anything? I’m hurt and offended, but it is his birthday dinner and his friends. (We usually go out to events with these friends, too). I guess hubby really couldn’t care less if I’m not invited. — No Invite from Hubby


A birthday isn’t carte blanche to be a dick, and not inviting your wife to your birthday dinner when your friends are inviting their wives is being a dick. But maybe the friends’ wives aren’t invited and this is just a guy dinner. Since Hubby can’t be bothered to ask his friends what the deal is, I suggest you call one of them up and ask. And if you can’t get a straight answer from any of the guys, try their wives. And if NO ONE will tell you whether this dinner is just guys or wives too, I’d take that as a sign that perhaps Hubby is a bigger dick than this one dinner slight might suggest.

I have been dating this guy for five months now, and the beginning was great. He chased me for three months before I finally agreed to go out with him. I slept with him on our second date, and thereafter the sex was great — he said I was the best he had ever had. Recently he has been cancelling our dates and has been avoiding my texts, and I don’t know what to do. At one time he said I was “it” for him and that he likes me a lot, but he hasn’t said anything like that in a while. I fell fast for him and am deeply in love. When he was still texting me, he was mean and cold — and yet he won’t break up with me. I appreciate any help that you can give. — Missing Him

He won’t break up with you because that actually takes some effort and thought. It’s much easier for a person with no conscience to simply cancel dates, stop answering messages, and stop showing up. In addition to ghosting you, he stopped saying that he likes you a lot and instead became cold and mean. Take a hint and MOA–and don’t waste another minute worrying about this jerk.

I dated my ex-boyfriend for 2-1/2 years. He went out of town with a friend and ended up in a relationship with another woman; they are now having a baby. The new girlfriend calls my phone to ask me why he keeps calling me and to let me know that, when he comes to the city, he only comes to visit me. My ex keeps calling me and telling me he loves me and he wants me to have a baby for him. He also told me he would move in with me. Why is he telling me all of this when he chose to leave me? Why does the new girlfriend keep calling me? She helped him cheat when he was with me, and, now that he is cheating on her, she wants me to feel sympathy (which I don’t). — No Sympathy From Me

You’re no better than she is if you’re sleeping with a man who’s in a relationship. Look at you two grown women fighting over a two-timing loser like your ex. Getting pregnant with his baby would be the worst thing you could do. The best thing would be to MOA and count your lucky stars you’re not the one who will be spending the next 18 years fighting him for child support and and begging him to spend some time with his kid.


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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.


  1. LW1- This is not difficult. Your husband should just ask his friends if it’s a “guy’s night” or not. If it is, great, don’t go. Maybe arrange something fun with the other wives, if you feel left out. If it’s not, great. Go and have fun with your husband and friends. He shouldn’t feel weird about asking his friends.

    1. Rosacolleti says:

      That’s what he’s refusing to do, so it’s not that simple. I don’t understand why she doesn’t call one of the friends and subtly sound them out.

  2. Painted_lady says:

    It’s a good thing LWs are anonymous. I want to track LW1 down and punch her in the face for overuse of the word “Hubby.” And by overuse, I mean that she used it once. The other five times or whatever it was just drove the point home.
    Maybe that’s why he didn’t invite you, LW. You keep calling him Hubby and he can’t handle it.
    I’m sorry. I have nothing useful today.

    1. Haha I was thinking the same thing about that word. One of my friend’s calls her boyfriend “hubs” and I always tell her that she can just call him by his name since I’ve known him as long as I’ve known her.

      1. I’m going to start calling Dave hubs and see how long it takes me to lose all my friends.

      2. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

        I just tried saying the word “hubs” out loud and it made me feel so gross. I also hate myself now.

      3. I don’t think I could even bring myself to say it out loud. It’s disturbing.

    2. lemongrass says:

      I can’t stand it when people refer to Mr. Grass as my hubby. He similarly hates wifey. Why must everything end in Y???

      1. My husband (hubby? hubs?) likes to call me the little lady or his little woman when he’s talking to people. Drives me crazy. Sometimes he says “my hot wife”… that works for me.

      2. Hubs calls me Bethany. I guess he doesn’t love me enough to call me wifey. I should write to Wendy about this problem.

      3. i call jake… jake. because thats his name.

      4. Well now that’s a novel concept. We often call each other inappropriate names like cockbagel and twatwaffle and fuckhole.

      5. AllegroFox says:

        I am mostly “poo”, “weirdo”, and occasionally “bitchcake”. He is mostly “Dorkface”, or “Bum”.
        Sometimes I get a whole song. “You’re a poo, you’re a poo, you’re a POOOOOOOOO. Poo poo poo.”

      6. hmmm.. i need to figure out how to incorporate “bitchcake” more into my life…

      7. AbbyNormal says:

        Lemongrass, “-y” is a suffix for forming diminutive nouns, so that’s why they both end in -y. Similar to how gran can become granny, except these two words are infinitely more obnoxious.

    3. I had a friend who said “husby”.

      1. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

        Had a friend? Are you not currently friends? Is that due to her use of “husby”?

      2. Yes, we’re no longer friends. But it’s not because of “husby” (although that certainly didn’t help).

    4. This comments and the comments thereafter made my morning. I, too, hate the word the word hubby. ESPECIALLY WHEN PEOPLE POST ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL THEIR HUBBY IS ON FACEBOOK. YES I’M YELLING BECAUSE I HATE IT THAT MUCH.

      Ok, end rant.

    5. Painted_lady says:

      I know they bother some of you – and that’s totally valid! – but I actually find the down thumbs hilarious, for the most part, except for the #blessed conversation from last week (and I totally anticipated that and understood though I disagreed). But this one, the downthumbs are hilarious. This?! Really?!
      Also, these are people who likely say hubby, and we could never be friends, obviously. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who use the term hubby, and those who can’t even read it without gagging.

      1. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        It’s the 3 people that use the word hubby because they have a special love with their hubby that we just don’t understand.

        Also I’m downthumbing you for mentioning the thumbs. The first rule of the thumbs is that you don’t talk about the thumbs.

        And man I hate the word hubby. So so much. I don’t even like it when people refer to their boyfriend as their boyfriend when I’ve met said boyfriend like 5 times. I fucking know your boyfriend, his name is John. Fuckers.

      2. I’m soooo with you. If the people you are with are unaware of the relationship between you and whoever you’re talking about, then say it ONCE. (Boyfriend, Bill or Sister, Sherry), after that, just names, people. Just names.

      3. Painted_lady says:

        Dammit, IWTTS. I’m down thumbing you for down thumbing me, you jerk. HOW DOES THAT FEEL???

      4. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Hey at least I’m honest about it! I’ve made it very clear how annoyed I get when people analyze the thumbs. Not nearly as annoyed I get when people refer to their S/O – THAT I KNOW – as hubby, hubs, boyfriend, etc., but still annoyed.

      5. Painted_lady says:

        (Dude, I was totally kidding. Well, I down thumbed you. But I wasn’t actually annoyed.)

      6. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Oh I know 🙂

      7. So, I hate how I’m meeting all these new people now, and they’ll ask “Where do you live?” and I’ll end up saying something like “my fiancé and I picked Hillcrest b/c blah blah”, because it just sounds weird to me to say “we” without any context, but I also feel like a tool just saying the phrase “my fiancé and I”. I want to just KNOW people so I can refer to him by name.

      8. I hate that too about moving. But I just use we and let them figure it out. Because every time I say “”my husband and I” I feel like that scene from Seinfeld where they’re at the party and the lady keeps saying, Where is my fiance? I have lost my fiance. Has anyone seen my fiance? And it makes me very self-conscious about using husband.

      9. I can never see the thumbs at work. I’m forced to use IE. Now I’m curious about if I’m being downthumbed 😛 I think I need to go home and check on my computer.

      10. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        “There are two kinds of people in this world: those who use the term hubby, and those who can’t even read it without gagging.” Truer words were never spoken.

      11. I must be immune to the hubby effect. It’s never bothered me, and I may have even used it myself in the past.
        And I’m sorry PL, but babies doing adult things is adorable. It’s about the only context in which I like looking at other people’s baby photos. Have you heard of babysuiting???

      12. Painted_lady says:

        NO. IT IS HORRIFYING. I mean seriously, I can’t even explain how much it creeps me out. And no. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I don’t want to, even though I’m asking now.

      13. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/31/baby-suiting-_n_5065083.html (click at your own risk, I suppose…)
        basically, you put your baby on its back, and then you put a suit or costume around its body so only the head sticks out, and it makes for some very very funny photos of babies looking like businessmen and bikers and shit. I laughed. You’ll probably punch the screen.
        And dammit, suddenly my math problems are getting harder… it’s FRIDAY, website, don’t you know this??

      14. By which I meant, an adult-sized suit or costume. Otherwise this would just be dressing a baby.

      15. nope thats creepy. definitely creepy.

      16. Lily in NYC says:

        OK, why the heck can’t I even see thumbs here? I have never been able to and can’t figure it out. But anyway, I agree about the word hubby. I hate the word “foodie” just as much.

      17. I think I am winning the down thumbs today.

    6. Avatar photo Moneypenny says:

      That’s the first thing I thought of!

    7. You are not alone. I have disliked “hubby” since the first time I heard it. I don’t why it rubs me the wrong way.

  3. Laura Hope says:

    LW3– He wants you to have a baby FOR him? Is he a caveman trying to impregnate as many women as possible?

    1. I thought that wording was strange, but I know I’ve seen it before. Sometimes it’s caveman-ish, sometimes it’s a cultural/geographically based phrase.

    2. Avatar photo theattack says:

      The “for” bothered me too. Ick. But then I think I remember another commenter saying that’s a common phrase maybe in the UK? I’m not sure about that though.

      1. veracityb says:

        Definitely not! 😛

        (says UK based reader, mildly horrified)

      2. veracityb says:

        Hm, that wasn’t meant to be a smiley face either. Oh well. Lost in web translation.

      3. veracityb says:

        I should keep commenting to work on my maths. This is fun.

      4. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Haha, Okay I remembered it incorrectly then. I just really think someone commented once that the phrase was cultural wherever they were from. Sorry to all the UK readers!

  4. Laura Hope says:

    LW#2– I could be way off but this sounds like sociopathic behavior. You may have dodged a bullet. These people are quite dangerous (emotionally, if nothing else).

    1. Lily in NYC says:

      I’m not getting that at all! He just sounds like he’s done with her and is doing the slow blow-off because he’s too immature to tell her that he wants to break up. Haven’t you ever had a guy act like a jerk because he’s hoping you will break up with him so he doesn’t have to do it himself?

    2. I think that’s a little extreme. This sounds like fairly typical behavior from jerkish guys. They’re all in for a while, get what they want, and then either realize they no longer want it or never did in the first place.

    3. Wendy (not Wendy) says:

      I thought the same thing. Individually each of these things sounds like regular jerkish guy behavior, but together… something about this letter gave me the creeps.

    4. GlitsyGus says:

      In my experience it’s just cowardly behavior. “I’ll just half sss this until she’s sick of me then SHE will break up with ME and I won’t have to start a difficult conversation. ” I have seen it way too many times.

  5. I really can’t believe people.

    At least it’s Friday.

  6. LW1 – Call the friends or the wives and find out if it’s a guys night. If it is, then get together with the wives (or some of your friends, whatever).
    LW2 – Don’t worry that he won’t break up with you. That’s just fine. I suggest you move on and accept that you dodged a bullet with a crazy person who went from telling you that you’re “it” for him to being mean.
    LW3 – …What?

  7. Ummm it’s been a few years since I’ve been married but I remember actually talking to my husband? “Hey what’s up with your birthday, is it a guys only night?” or “wait, other wives are going but I’m not invited? Am I understanding this right?” Just ask your freaking husband what you want to know, what kind of marriage do you have if you can’t do that?

  8. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

    This is me NOT getting my panties in a wad over all the “hubby’s” … I’m maturing!

    1. While I agree that it is a stupid word, I don’t get why several DWers get SO venomous about it. I personally hate “significant other” because it’s stupid, pretentious and evasively euphemistic, but that tends to be the way of modern grokspeak.

      1. lemongrass says:

        Because it’s vaguely in baby-speak and cutesy and makes people think “look at us! Aren’t we cute and adorable!”

      2. I think stud muffin is a much better term, personally.
        As in: Dear Wendy, my stud muffin and I have been dating for 3 weeks and I’m SOOO in love. But he won’t respond to my calls, texts, emails, carrier pigeons, boombox serenades or candygrams. How do I tell him that I’m pregnant with his baby? And by the way he’s married with 15 children. Why doesn’t my stud muffin respond to me?!

      3. One of my fave comedians, Judy Tenuta, used the phrase stud puppet. I could live with that.

      4. lemongrass says:

        I used to have Mr. Grass as “Big Stud” in my phone and I was driving with his mother in my car when that came up on the call display. She said “I’m happy for the two of you but that is not something a mother needs to see.”

      5. I also don’t get the hatred for these other terms. Maybe the “darling husband” or whatever internet terms? I don’t like those so much, but that’s about it.
        Bassanio calls me his “partner in crime.” I hope that if we get married, he keeps calling me that.

      6. I wrotwe a song once in which I called M my partner in disaster.

      7. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

        Llama Guy and I jokingly call each other “lover”, which is meant to be disgusting and absurd. That’s why we find it so funny. I love the term “partner” and hate the word “fiancé”, but it causes too much confusion when I refer to him as my partner. I’m with Lemongrass that “hubby” and “hubs” is just too cutesy.

      8. lemongrass says:

        I really hope you say it like love-ahhhh all dramatic like.

      9. Yeah, you can use “lover,” but you have to do the Rachel Dratch/Will Ferrell voices with it. Bonus points if you add a comment about goat meat.

      10. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

        _S_ – that’s exactly how we do it! That’s actually where I got it from. And we always say it like we’re in a hot tub with our neighbors.

      11. Painted_lady says:

        Or ham. I still kind of get goobed out by ham thanks to that skit.

      12. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        I believe the accurate term is luvah llama.

      13. or “llama luvah”

      14. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Like lemongrass said, I think a lot of people don’t like how it’s vaguely/totally in baby-speak and cutesy and … just silly. So for that reason people may dislike “hubby.” The other reason people may dislike it is for no other reason than it causes this weird inexplicable reaction in me like nails on a chalkboard – I just, no, I just can’t. …. So that latter explanation makes no sense but it is what it is! 😉

      15. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I mean, maybe there’s something chemical in the word that when you hear it you start to cringe and heave and/or actually vomit. … I mean, look, it has that affect on so many people so maybe there is something innate in the word “HUBBY” that causes a violent reaction?? Someone should look into that.

      16. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        *effect, blerg

      17. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

        There’s a huge amount of literature on the topic and all of the well-designed trials show – with statistical AND clinical significance – that HUBBY is a stupid word. I’d link to some citations but I totally made this up.

      18. lemongrass says:

        Psychological warfare! Why was I not warned about this on Men Who Stare At Goats?!!?!?

      19. It’s just icky. Call people by their names. I can understand introducing someone as “My husband, Joe” once, but then just call him Joe. Not Hubs. Another one that bothers me is Bestie. Like “My bestie and I went to the mall today!” No. Just call her Jessica or whatever her name is. Sure, you can say she’s your best friend as a point of reference, but after that, just use her name.

      20. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        oh yea “bestie” is another one that makes me gag.

      21. I do say my bff, but that’s more to be stupid about it than being serious about actually using bff. Although, I do have a bff. And she’s awesome.

      22. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        well, i’m sure many people who say “bestie” would argue they say it in jest. But – the difference is – BFF is from the 90s I think so that makes it ok. Ha.

      23. Ooh, I like your rational.

      24. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Also I can appreciate your point about “significant other” – it is kind of pretentious. But it’s the only word that covers spouses+boyfriends+girlfriends+partners+lovers+fuckbuddies+FWB, etc. And sometimes you’re trying to let someone know there X can come but you don’t know what they call their X so “significant other” works. If there’s another word we can use to describe everyone’s boo, I’m in favor of using it.

      25. Couldn’t we just use boo? “Hey, you should come to dinner this weekend. Bring your boo.”

      26. Painted_lady says:

        Yeah, it’s baby talk. I actually have kind of a phobia/automatic revulsion toward conflating babies and adults – seriously. I can’t even watch anything about infantilism, or the tv commercial where the baby is talking on the cell phone, and one of the reasons I can’t handle elementary schoolers is because some of them still think baby talk is cute. And there was a trend a couple of years ago where some of the older girls (middle school and high school) would walk around with pacifier necklaces and have them in their mouths. It made me a little shouty. And hubby is like that – it’s far too cutesy a nickname for adults to use. It’s like hearing a fully grown person refer to an ass as a “tushy.” Hurl.

        Anyway, it’s a thing. It annoys me because it does…and it’s on a really visceral level. You know how a lot of people hate the word “moist?” It’s like that.

      27. lemongrass says:

        I thought the pacifier thing was for when you do E and you wanted something to suck on. Although I did E lots in high school and I would have never put a frickin pacifier in my mouth. Skeezy.

        I am ashamed to admit I did the baby talk thing as a kid. My mother hated it and I fully understand why now.

      28. i absolutely thought you were talking about your baby E here for a second. i was so confused.

      29. lemongrass says:

        Yeah as soon as I pressed submit I realized that too. I should probably find a different term for the drug. Not that I spend a whole lot of time talking about it.

  9. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

    LW1 – The only thing weirder than your husband’s refusal to ask his buddy if wives are invited is your acceptance of that. Here’s how I picture the conversation:
    LW1: Honey, are wives invited to your birthday dinner?
    Hubby: I dunno.
    LW1: Did you ask?
    Hubby: No.
    LW1: Could you call and ask?
    Hubby: No, I don’t wanna. //
    But see then that’s when you were supposed to say: “Call and ask, you dumb prick.” And that would have resulted in either: him calling or a big fight followed by a separation and soul searching which would have been a win win.

    1. She should imply she will invite someone else to his birthday blowjob.

    2. There are so many things I don’t understand from this letter but I agree:
      1.) How does she KNOW that the wives are going but not sure if she is invited. Does she really know or is it a snotty comment, “I just know.”
      2.) how far away is it from the birthday. Is it just that he didn’t want to call right that second or was he just going to casually bring it up next time they spoke?
      3.) Has there ever been a time that all the wives were invited and she wasn’t.

      I can’t fathom how this conversation happened.

  10. Oy, “hubby”. I can’t stand that word.

  11. LW2: He chased you for 3 months before you “finally” gave in and dated him, you’ve only been together for 5 months, and now you’re deeply in love? What? If he’s being flaky and rude, I say you’ve dodged a bullet with this one. MOA.

    LW3: Having a baby with this dude is a great decision. *Sarcasm*

  12. Avatar photo veritek33 says:

    Hubby. CRINGE.

    Just stop with that word. PLEASE.

  13. Avatar photo fast eddie says:

    LW1: GASP!
    LW2: GASP!
    LW3: GASP!

    1. i see your gasp and i raise you with an “oh no she *didnt*!”

      1. Avatar photo Moneypenny says:

        Maybe add a finger snap in there for good measure? 😛

  14. Alright, LWs, let’s get some self-respect.

    LW1: You’re his wife. These are mutual friends. Instead of wallowing in “How do I know if I should go because my HUSBAND (not hubby, this word needs to die in a gasoline fueled fire already) won’t ask OUR friends?”, just ask them yourself. NBD, really. Tougher issues will arise in your marriage. This is easy.

    LW2: The chase is over and the spark is gone. MOA and don’t give this guy another second of your time.

    LW3: Any guy who cheated on you, knocked up another woman, then wants to move in with you so he can knock you up should be avoided at all costs. Delete his number, forget his name and for the love of everything, don’t have a baby with this loser. You’re better than that.

  15. I’m a big fan of silly nicknames in relationships! I also admit to recycling the same silly nicknames on occasion. Never uttered a “wifey” though when I was married and don’t think I could do it with a straight face.

    1. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

      I love silly nicknames in relationships! And my parents and sister and I all have nicknames for each other – we rarely use real names within our family. My sister called me at work once and I answered “hi, Actual Name” because there were people around, and she totally thought I was mad at her for something. But I don’t introduce anyone by their silly nickname and I certainly don’t refer to them to other people like that. I think that’s what’s bothering people (myself included) so much.

      1. lemongrass says:

        Silly nicknames are not the same as hubby/wifey. Those who use those words aren’t trying to be silly, they are serious.

      2. I concur. Silly names are fun. And private, an inside joke if you will. Even pet names are fine, again, mostly in private. They’re used to show your love for someone. I gagged typing that, but I don’t do mushy.

        Anyway, when you constantly and publically refer to people in cringe-inducing names, it’s not cool. It’s just, NO.

    2. Funny Story about wifey – My ex knew it annoyed me when he called me wifey-wife. So once, he was writing me a check to deposit in my account to cover some of his bills & he made it out to “Wifey-wife”. On the memo line he wrote “for great sex” – That damn teller made me endorse it as Wifey-Wife. I was so totally & completely humiliated. No I hadn’t looked at the check at all, just endorsed it with my name. UGH!! Its funny now, but it sure wasn’t that day……

  16. LW1: I do not understand. So my husband had his fraternity brothers that get together in a group. They will sometimes have a men only poker night and sometimes it is events with SOs. The WaGs (Wives and Girlfriends) all call, text, or facebook for details. When we are arriving, what we are bringing. If these are people you socialize with, why wouldn’t you get the scoop like this? Men are terrible with details. Why would you feel so slighted and make his birthday all about you?

    1. wow, you guys all found husbands that are *all* terrible with details? i wonder what the odds of that are…

      1. Honestly, It seems as time goes on and people are married a long time, the women take over the social calendars and planning almost completely. Men will say “We should hang out with BlahBlah.” But the women make the plans, rsvp, ect.

      2. I think people don’t always realize how much social planning has become like the dishwashing and laundry-doing of yore (although plenty of times women do end up taking on an unfair amount of housework too). But there’s still definitely pressure on women to do the RSVPs, chatty emails, etc., whereas men can be considered polite/good friends/good inlaws just by showing up occasionally and not, like, throwing anything at anyone else’s heads.

        I will sometimes legit RSVP just for myself to an email invite and be like “I have no idea if SO is coming,” even if it was his friend who invited us. I don’t want to become his social calendar manager. I have enough shit to deal with in my own life!

      3. yea me too. i literally have said before “im not your mother, you figure this out”.

      4. When my husband says he wants to hang out with someone, I ask if he wants me to set up a play date. He normally says yes.

      5. That’s kind of hilarious. I would totally be a smart ass and say something like this to someone.

      6. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

        I agree with csp that this happens, and I agree with rieux that it’s totally a gendered chore. My fiancé and I get together with his friends a lot and I’m always the one who RSVPs and plans/buys what to bring. I hate it on principle, but he has some social anxiety issues and I really don’t mind doing this if it means we get to spend more time with his friends. And he does the majority of the housework so it’s not like our relationship is wallowing in gendered stereotypes.

      7. So, I like being in charge of RSVPs because I can accomplish in one phone call that would require a week of texts for him to accomplish. Like, I was just invited to a bridal shower for his hs friend. I called my MIL and we figured out that we are both going, going to carpool, and go in on a gift together. That took 5 minutes to work out everything.

      8. That makes sense. I think it happens with lots of other gendered things too (“Well, I’m just better at sorting the laundry, so I do it instead of him” from a woman). I think it’s a question of what kind of trade-offs you’re willing to make. I am willing to put up with less cleanliness than I want and with a less organized social life in order not to have to shoulder these types of tasks, but I sympathize with people who prefer to make the other trade-off. I don’t think my SO does it consciously, he genuinely just isn’t very organized whereas I have learned to manage my natural disorganization at least enough to a) stay clean and b) meet the reasonable communication expectations of my friends. So I just keep my hands off and only managing my own half of things in order not to grow resentful, which I would.

      9. You are totally right. IT totally falls to the women. This happened to me slowly but now it is 100% in my hands. If he calls he will find out a date but will forget the time, location, what we are bringing. He hasn’t bought a gift for anyone since we got married. Mother’s Day happened and he had no idea what we got his mom.

      10. and you just… accepted that?

      11. lemongrass says:

        This may be controversial but I think that if the way you divide chores in your household (and I think that RSVPing/buying gifts and all that is chores) is saturated in gender stereotypes that it is fine as long as you both are happy. I do all the RSVPing, cleaning the bathrooms, blah blah blah. But I’m happy because I would rather do that than clean the gutters or sweep the chimney or go saw down a tree for firewood like Mr. Grass does. It doesn’t work for all couples and I don’t think that it should be a model for all relationships but it works for us and I don’t think that I should feel bad or think that I’m a “bad feminist” for having gender stereotypes in my marriage.

      12. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

        Lemongrass, I don’t think that’s controversial at all! And it totally doesn’t mean you’re a bad feminist. It’d be silly for women to avoid all chores that are generally considered “women’s work” because they want to avoid gender stereotyping. Llama Guy and I have a loving and respectful relationship and he doesn’t expect me to do anything because I’m the woman, so I don’t mind taking care of the RSVP’ing and other “women’s work” for him. I get annoyed when I’m with my male cousins and uncles during the holidays because they expect the women in our family to do all the cooking and dishes while they sit around and do nothing, but that’s totally different from relegating chores in a long-term relationship.

      13. My rule is, your family, your responsibility. So he takes care of Christmas/Birthdays/Whatever for his side of the family. I mean, he was in charge of all that before we got married, why should it change now? I will usually do stuff like bring wine or dessert when we got for dinner, but that’s stuff I would normally do no matter where we’re going.

      14. Avatar photo theattack says:

        It is definitely gendered, and people don’t realize how much time and effort goes into it, I think. I don’t like doing it, and I’m trying to streamline things into a calendar so that he just deals with his own stuff. I’m still stuck with most of the household management though.

      15. Katie, I’m with you. Bassanio makes his own schedule, is in charge of gifts for his family, and actually is the majority plan-maker for the both of us. But the plans thing may be out of the ordinary because he’s the more outgoing of the two of us, at least in terms of hanging with friends.

      16. And this is after almost 9 years in, so I don’t think marriage would change that.

      17. Avatar photo LlamaPajamas says:

        I’m the more outgoing of the two of us, which is why I do the RSVP’ing. But Llama Guy is way better with details than I am – he remembers birthdays, my dad’s chemo and doctor appointment dates, special occasions, etc. He sometimes has trouble picking out a gift because he worries he won’t find the right thing, but I never do his gift shopping. I could take a stand and tell him that he’s responsible for RSVP’ing and deciding what food/drinks to bring for all parties involving his friends, but it’s just easier if I do it. He takes care of plenty of things I like to avoid doing so it evens out. It’s worked out to where he does the majority of the “inside” stuff like laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc., while I take care of the majority of the “outside” stuff like parties, travel plans, and making appointments and reservations.

      18. Yeah, I think the maybe “playing to one’s strengths” way of describing it is more accurate for us, too. Maybe along gendered lines but not necessarily, just however it works out best. Like, I’m right now planning a potluck picnic thing and I just assumed I’d be in charge of our food contribution because I’m more the cooker. He would go out and just buy a package of meats (and I’m a vegetarian, so not the best plan).
        And I *always* have trouble picking out gifts! Ugh, I hope that gets better, but unless there’s a registry or something, I get caught up in trying to find the perfect thing and never can.

  17. When I read these, I had the image of Wendy skipping along singing:

    “Dicks, Jerks, and Losers — oh my!”

  18. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

    Isn’t it funny how no one (well pretty much no one) is even giving the hubby LW any advice? It’s like as soon as that word is used I immediately assume the LW is annoying and her problems are dumb.

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      I think it’s because there’s only so much this LW can do to find out if wives are invited, and Wendy told her – call the dudes or try their wives.
      This LW reminds me a lot of the one who was upset her husband didn’t invite her to his coworker’s wedding. I don’t get how women are so passive about their husbands’ dick moves and so seemingly helpless.

      1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Also, my theory is this is a generational thing and both of these LW are older. (Just a theory!)

      2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Not that you can’t be a young wife who is just as passive/helpless with a dick husband. Really, iwanna, you should stop generalizing, it’s ignorant and beneath you.

      3. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Yeah it’s fascinating to me. I would never not just immediately get the answer. And she’s friends with them too! Like I don’t know how she asks him if wives are going – he says I don’t know – and she doesn’t immediately text one of the wives. Like how does that conversation just stop in its tracks?

      4. The husband doesn’t want to ask though. That’s even weirder to me. Like, these are his friends – they are having a birthday dinner for him. Why wouldn’t he be willing to ask if it’s guys only or if wives are coming? Who is that uncomfortable talking to their friends??

      5. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Well clearly they’re both uncomfortable talking to their friends. They both suck.

  19. Ugh.

    LW1 – just fucking ask already. If you don’t get a straight answer from your HUSBAND (never hubby, it’s a classless nickname) then call up one of the guys and find out. This isn’t difficult and it would assuage some of your rage. If you specifically weren’t invited yet the other wives were, re-evaluate your relationship with everyone involved.

    LW2 – He moved on and is ghosting you. No need to “dump”. Just stop contacting all together.

    LW3 – Please tell me that you aren’t still fucking this guy. He went out of town for a weekend and consciously cheated on you. He left you for said strumpet who is now pregnant with his child. He is scared of the committment to this woman that he barely knows, is wishing he’d never stuck his dick anywhere but you, and is doing whatever he can to win you back so he can move in with you rather than find a new apartment (I’m assuming he’s living with his pregnant girlfriend).
    Put your big-girl panties on and stop letting him talk to you. Tell him once – it’s over and you do not need to hear from him again. Then, stop answering his calls and texts. If he physically comes to see you, do not aswer your door, or walk away from him in the streets. Make it very clear that he has to deal with the consequences of his actions, and that includes the fall-out of cheating on you.

  20. Stephanie says:

    I think the response “You are annoying and your problems are dumb” can be applied to all the Shortcuts today.

  21. If it were me who was LW1, I’d probably call up one of the more assertive/social wives in a pretense of total innocence and say, “Hey, since our husbands are doing a guy’s night for my husband’s birthday, want to do a girls’ night in on our own?”

    That will get you, if nothing else, the scoop on whether it is ACTUALLY a guys’ night, and if it’s not, you can follow up with an exaggerated, innocent “Oh, really? Well someone seems to have told my husband not to bring me, so can you have your husband call and clarify with him?”

    But it’s also pretty passive-aggressive, and if your husband is deliberately not letting you go to his birthday dinner, there has to be a giant problem in your marriage somewhere. I’m just saying, that’s probably what I would do, because it’s a good way to find out without having to admit that your husband is doing that shit to you. Maybe not the most mature way to handle it, but you’re probably still ahead of your husband in terms of maturity, so, there’s that!

  22. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

    Another random thought about LW1 – it seems like a lot of people are implying that her options are get her husband to ask the guys or she asks the wives. Why doesn’t she just call the guy that called her husband. I mean I get it that they’re his friends and it’s his birthday and he should ask and blah blah blah, but wtf. Just ask. It took her longer to draft this email to wendy than it would have taken her to call his friend.

  23. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

    You guys my dog has 4 balls.

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