I met my now ex-fiancé about two years ago. He quickly moved in with me and my son because the couple he was living with got evicted. About three months into our relationship we found out that we were having a baby — my second child and his first biological one. (Even though we aren’t together, he still considers my son his son.) When I was around five months pregnant with our little girl, my ex rounded up the help of my son and proposed. He was the best man I had ever been with. I never had to worry about other women, and he was always so loving and affectionate. Then my daughter was born and something changed in him. He started staying out drinking, partying, and doing drugs while arriving home anywhere from 2-5 AM. He cheated and one of the girls that he cheated with actually threatened my children’s lives and my life. Now he is in a new relationship with a woman who is twelve years his senior and who has no stability in life just like him. I am his primary source of transportation still. He has been staying at my house because it saves me in gas since I have a Jeep Wrangler. He still sleeps in my bed and we still have sex all the time. I remember how hurt I was when he was cheating on me and now I’m that woman. I really want to be with him, but he obviously hasn’t changed at all. I don’t know what to do anymore! — The Driver
Kick him outta your bed, outta your house, outta your car, and outta your life. I’m not even in the camp that he should be in your kids’ lives. He’s not the father of your older one, and he’s the father in DNA only of your second. He’s dead-beat druggie who’s sleeping around with who knows how many people. Good lord, kick him outta your life, get yourself tested for STDs, change the locks on your door, and don’t move some random guy into your home with your children within weeks of meeting him ever again. What were you thinking?!
I met this awesome guy, and I’ve never felt more connected to another person. He hits all the checks on my list, he understands me, and we have the same sense of humor, which is huge for me. Around the second week of December he told me he wasn’t ready to be exclusive but liked where things are going and wanted to take things slowly. I agreed, but I have felt him distancing himself since then. Right before Christmas he stopped by and gave me a Christmas gift and things were good again, but a week later he told me that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, work is overwhelming (he’s a location out and works insane hours), and some personal things had built up to the point that he doesn’t think he can be a good boyfriend to me. He wishes that circumstances could be different and that the timing wasn’t off, but maybe we could try again when things settle down. And he hopes we can still be friends and hang out. I flat out asked him if he had lost interest and to be straight-forward with me, and he responded by saying he simply didn’t know — he doesn’t know how to be a good boyfriend and that he’s got things to figure out and that he wants to keep the door on us open. He still wants to be able to see me. Our relationship was not sexual, so I know that he’s not just keeping me around for sex. I’m broken-hearted. Any help and advice would be great. I really don’t want to lose him. — Not Ready to Lose Him
Honey, he’s not yours to lose, and he’s already gone anyway. How many different ways does he have to say he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend? He doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. Maybe he doesn’t want to be anyone’s boyfriend. Maybe he likes being a free agent and going out and hooking up with whomever he wants. Maybe he’s met someone else he wants to pursue and he wants to “leave the door open” with you in case things don’t work out with that person. Either way, you’re seriously disrespecting yourself “leaving the door open” for some guy who peeked in, shrugged his shoulders, and was like, “Eh, lemme see what else is out there first and maybe I’ll come back, check things out again some time.” MOA.
My fiancé and I are at the stage in our relationship where we need to agree on where to live once we get married. We currently live thirty-five miles apart. My children are all young adults, and he has one adult child and one child who is a minor, an 8-year-old daughter. He and his daughter’s mother live five minutes apart, and they co-parent fifty/fifty. They have been doing this since they separated five years ago. All of my family live within five miles of me. I own a home and he rents, so the decisions need to be made sooner rather than later. I’m torn because my children have never been far from me, are a big part of my life and I have grandchildren who want to continue to see me just as much as they always have. My fiancé is adamant about staying five minutes away from his daughter and has reminded me that she is his first priority, and I don’t think he is willing to compromise by moving to a city where we will live halfway from his daughter and halfway from my family (17 miles from each). He has asked that I move in with him so that he remains living five minutes of his daughter, which would mean that I would live thirty-five miles (forty minutes) from my family. Is this unfair? — Looking for a Halfway House
He has a young child he’s still raising and you don’t. Seeing grandchildren and your grown kids is not the same as raising a child. Your fiancé is likely shuttling his daughter to activities, birthday parties, back and forth between his house and her mother’s — it’s important to live near all of that. You, on the other hand, don’t have that kind of responsibility and can still see your family plenty being forty minutes away. Do you have any idea how many people would give anything to be a forty-minute drive from their family? That you seem unwilling to make the move for your fiancé out of respect for the responsibility he has as a father of a minor suggests that perhaps you aren’t really ready to marry him. Marriage takes compromise. Marrying a single parent and becoming a step-parent to a minor takes an extra dose of compromise and sacrifice. Not everyone is cut out for that role. You need to be honest with yourself if you are, and then take the appropriate steps if you aren’t.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].