Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “My Ex is Stalking Me”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

My boyfriend of nine months and I broke up last May. He was already dating someone else two weeks later. Six months after the break up, I started dating as well. Ten months have passed and this guy keeps texting me, wanting to “chat,” and he has even showed up at my door uninvited a couple of times. I love the guy I am with now, and I have told the ex not to contact me anymore. But, he won’t stop! What should I do? What does he want? He is still dating the girl he met after we broke up. — Stalked by Ex

Send him an email — it’s important you say this in writing and save it — and tell him that you do not want him calling you or coming to your home or in any way stalking you and, if he continues to do so against your wishes, you will be going to the police. And then do just that.

The man I am currently seeing is 41, and I’m only 21. I met this guy in 2006. When I first met him, I thought he was the sexiest man ever. He’s very handsome and very well-educated, but kind of to himself. Recently, I was in an abusive relationship (about two months ago) and he was there to save me. I left my home to avoid any memories of my past and started staying with the current guy I’m seeing. Since my fall-out with my ex, I’ve been here taking care of him when he wasn’t employed, i.e., making dinner, taking care of his dogs and basically catering to him. I’ve told him how I felt about him, and he said that the feeling was mutual, that he feels like we have something long-term, and that he wanted to talk about it when I came home from work one day. Now comes the time to talk and three times he denied me that talk. The first two times were understandable because he had no job and was stressed out. Now he has a job and is making money, all his bills are paid, and we still haven’t talked. I also feel as though our relationship (or whatever we have) is a taboo subject. No matter how much I try to talk to him I get stuck and I don’t know what to say or what conversations to have with a 41-year-old man. He opens up more to his friends (women) than he does me. When I ask him about his day, I get short answers, but when he tells his friends, they get all the details and yuck it up. They make him laugh, and I feel like I can’t do the same because of this barrier he’s put up. I feel like I’m just playing house, and I don’t want to feel like that. So what do you think I should do? — Half His Age

You met in 2006 when you were 14 and he was 34? MOA immediately, as in yesterday. This “relationship” is wrong on so many levels and you need to get out, get help, and move on with your life.

I have been dating a guy for two months. We met on a chat line months ago, but about two months ago we exchanged numbers and decided to meet in person. We have so much in common and we get along great. He had already broken up with his girlfriend before we started talking, but it turns out she was pregnant and he never knew until a week ago when she gave birth. I couldn’t believe he didn’t know! He said she is overweight, so she didn’t show. I just don’t know what to do. He says he doesn’t want to be with her but he is going to be responsible. I have two kids of my own, and they have different dads. He accepts that I have kids, so I want to accept him too. He is really a sweet guy, and we have a great time together. What do you think I should do? — Dating a Surprised Dad

You are a mother of two and can’t risk getting involved with someone who shows so many red flags. You say you met on a chat line months ago, presumably before he broke up with his girlfriend, which begs the question: what was he doing on a “chat line” when he was in a relationship? And what kind of boyfriend must he have been if his girlfriend didn’t even tell him she was pregnant? MOA.


You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

118 comments… add one
  • kerrycontrary February 22, 2013, 9:10 am

    I like how LW2 tried to trick us with math. You say you were attracted to this man at 14, I hope to God he didn’t do anything inappropriate at that time. Because if he did he’s a pedophile. You were still child-like at 14. Also, I don’t think your boyfriend likes you or really wants to have a relationship with you. Maybe he wants to have sex with you, and has a white knight complex, but it doesn’t sound like he really wants to spend time with you. Do you have father issues?

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    • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 9:53 am

      Not simply child-like. At 14 she was an actual child!

      Reply Link
      • kerrycontrary February 22, 2013, 10:04 am

        Yeh I think of 14 year olds as children too, but some people argue differently. I barely even had my period at 14!

      • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 10:06 am

        I was 14.75 years old when I had my period… Late bloomer much. I think I was the last of my friends. I was in such denial. I avoided all sex education talks. I thought if I didn’t hear it, it wouldn’t happen to me.

      • TaraMonster February 22, 2013, 11:11 am

        Me too! Totally the last of my friends. I was like two weeks away from being 14 when I got it and I was convinced it was never going to happen.

      • lemongrass February 22, 2013, 11:32 am

        I was 14 too! Puberty hit me really fast! I went from an A cup to a DD in 3 months. It was over the winter and one kid teased me about stuffing my bra but once summer came along there was no question!

      • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 12:01 pm

        I’m still waiting for my boobs to grow in 🙁

      • theattack February 22, 2013, 10:11 am

        14 year olds are weird. They’re minors, so they’re technically children, but a lot of them look like adults. And even weirder – they think they’re adults, so they insist on acting like how they think adults act, even though they’re just acting stupid. When I was 14, I was jumping in cars with random boys I didn’t know because damnit I was grown and I could do whatever I wanted and nobody else could do anything about it, so there! It’s like their minds have grown into an adult mindset but without any of the intelligence or commonsense.

        But with this LW I just assumed she had a 14 year old crush on him, and now that she’s of age, she hopes he’ll date her. I don’t think they had any sort of relationship before now. They both need to seriously back away from this though because, WTF.

      • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 10:14 am

        When I was 14, I was playing neighborhood hide-and-go seek with the middle school kids.

      • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 10:17 am

        ^ You could hide ANYWHERE in the neighorhood, but you could not go in people’s garages or on their porches, and you had to stay there until found. Those games lasted ALL FUCKING AFTERNOON and they were thrililng. Then we’d eat pizza and watch TGIF tv. Then I’d be alseep by 9:30.

        My parents must have slept like babies knowing that…. I’d definitely not be riding in cars with boys. Those tricky bastards.

      • theattack February 22, 2013, 10:22 am

        Wow, seriously? I was doing it at 13 too. Climbing out my window, slinking through the shadows until I got to the railroad tracks, walking down them a few miles into the next town, and then hopping in some boy’s pickup truck. We’d go wherever they took us – to the dam or their uncle’s farm or whatever. That was a regular procedure for me and my friends. I have no idea how I’m still alive. We definitely were not playing hide and seek, though we spent a lot of time on trampolines.

      • theattack February 22, 2013, 10:25 am

        Although this one guy took us to this wooded area to play “Gandalf adventures” a lot. It was a blast.

      • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 10:34 am

        You sound like every parent’s nightmare! (No offense.) I’m glad you are still alive. I don’t know how I held on to my 5 year old self for so long. I still can’t kick her out to save my life these days. Like, if you said who wants to order pizza and watch Home Alone tonight, I’d say ME! I’d just want alcohol too. So I guess that’s changed. But even that, I didn’t start enjoying drinks until *after* college. I drank some in college just to fit in but I’d sip one beer the whole night.

      • theattack February 22, 2013, 10:42 am

        haha, No offense taken. I WAS a nightmare at that age. I was a perfect child until I was 13, then I was a nightmare for two years. Then I was perfect again. Then the week after I graduated high school I went to Bonnaroo and turned horrible again for the next year. I could only ever be an extreme.

        Now my Saturday nights are pretty much Disney or family movies, Nerf guns, and beer. We could probably have a blast together now. At 14, maybe not.

      • katie February 22, 2013, 10:48 am

        So I had to do some weird math to figure out when in my life I was 14, haha.

        I was in 7th grade. So… I was a super rebel, being as punk rock as my Christian school would allow in thier dress code. I had boyfriends, and I *might* have had my first kiss. I think that happened that year.

        No hide and seek for me. Lol.

      • theattack February 22, 2013, 10:52 am

        You were in 7th grade at 14? I was in 9th grade at 14. I was always young for my grade, but I’m wondering if you got your math wrong? That just seems off. But I was doing the punk rock thing and kissing boys in 7th grade too. Glad I’m not the only one here who was wild. haha

      • katie February 22, 2013, 10:54 am

        No, it’s right. I was homeschooled, and my parents had zero clue how to do it, so I was way behind when I started regular school. I graduated at 19, turning 20 in the same year.

      • theattack February 22, 2013, 10:56 am

        Ohhhh I see. That’s interesting. Were you homeschooled all the way?

      • katie February 22, 2013, 11:00 am

        No, just until 5th grade. But, technically 6th or 7th grade, I guess, because I was “placed” in 5th grade, but obviously I was way too old to be in 5th grade. The damage was done by then though… And I suck at math. Lol

      • lemongrass February 22, 2013, 11:35 am

        I lived for TGIF tv when I was a kid. They just don’t make tv like that anymore.

      • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 11:45 am

        We get the Full House dvds from the library all the time. Loved that show, still do.

      • bagge72 February 22, 2013, 1:26 pm

        First show I watch when I wake up in the morning, and then it’s Boy Meets World, because Saved by The Bell isn’t on in the morning anymore!

      • Ammie February 22, 2013, 12:32 pm

        I just played an amazing Perfect Strangers flash game the other day. (Well, the game wasn’t amazing, it was just amazing because it was Perfect Strangers and it was so out of the blue, but still.)

        TGIF was so great. <3

      • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 12:49 pm

        My favorite TGIF show was that one with the girl named Nicole – she lived in a loft with her two dads…..

        MY TWO DADS!

      • lemongrass February 22, 2013, 1:27 pm

        Sabrina the teenage witch FTW

      • 6napkinburger February 22, 2013, 1:34 pm

        Favorite afterschool show? “Out of this world” — hands down winner of all time. I still try to freeze time with my fingers sometimes.

      • kerrycontrary February 22, 2013, 10:28 am

        Yeh AP, I was also playing hide and go seek. And pining after boys who had no interest in me. Because I didn’t get hot until I was 15. But then I was too chickenshit to do anything really bad.

      • CatsMeow February 22, 2013, 10:32 am

        Addie, I was like you. I got my period the summer after 8th grade. I played “night games” every night with the neighborhood kids, which included kick the can, hide and seek, ditch ’em, etc. It was so much fun! They were building a new neighborhood so we’d climb up on giant dirt piles and into crawl spaces and such. I was very much still a child.

      • TaraMonster February 22, 2013, 11:18 am

        This thread is weird because I always associate getting my period (late like youz guyz!) with playing those neighborhood games too. We used to play some version of hide and seek, but in teams, and we called it something else (my slightly hungover brain can’t remember right now!) and it was the day after I played one of those games that I got my period. I’d also fooled around with a boy for the first time (guess who was my teammate in our hide-and-go-seek game!?) so it was a lot of firsts all at once and I felt so awkward and weird.

        And now I feel awkward and weird remembering it!

      • Flanagan.er February 22, 2013, 7:26 pm

        Man, when I was 14, I was giving head for the first time (to another 14 year-old, not a 34 year old, for the record). I feel like around puberty, people just develop at such different rates.

      • Fabelle February 22, 2013, 10:25 am

        I agree; 14 is a weird-ass in-between age (to be clear, DEFINITELY a minor, but I’m just adding my personal perspective)

        At that age, my body was fully developed & I remember having very sexy-sex thoughts & wanting to have sex & being boy-crazy & sitting around lifeguard watching with my friend (we’d literally be staring for a “dick outline” through this one lifeguard’s swim trunks. Why so perverted?!)

        However, I now have a niece (she’s not my niece, technically, but the actual relation is too complicated to get into) who is 13 and still very childlike to me. I doubt she’s attempting to size dudes up through their shorts, & I really hope she’s not (because that is just disturbing), but in conclusion: adolescents are strange.

      • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 10:29 am

        I was on the opposite side of the spectrum. I was not developed, I was afraid of boys and sex and did not want to grow up. Things that mattered most to me were: getting A’s; basketball, running, and soccer; SNL (I’d tape it on VHS and watch it SUnday morning b/c I’d always fall asleep); making funny videos with my friend Annie; babysitting; and playing cards with my dad. And pizza.

      • kerrycontrary February 22, 2013, 10:32 am

        It’s so good to grow up slow though!!! I was a late bloomer (period when I was almost 14, no hips until 15-16) and I would’ve gotten myself into trouble if it had been different.

      • CatsMeow February 22, 2013, 10:33 am

        Yeah, boys were icky when I was 14. I would die if I saw a penis. I might have had one boob starting to come in.

      • Fabelle February 22, 2013, 10:35 am

        haha @ “starting to come in”— like a tooth!

      • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 10:36 am

        I LOL’d.

      • kerrycontrary February 22, 2013, 10:31 am

        Yeh I think it depends on the person. Like I was totally boy-crazy, but I was never actually going to do anything sexual at that age. I don’t even think I kissed anyone until I was 15.

      • lemongrass February 22, 2013, 11:46 am

        I wasn’t at 14, but at 15 I was. I remember when I was 14 listening to a friend say how josh hartnett was sooo hot and looking at a picture of him and wondering how to know when a guy was hot and did that make me a lesbian? At 15 though I wanted boys, boys, boys and my virginity gone.

      • Anna February 22, 2013, 1:06 pm

        I was an actual teen by the time I was 14. My boobs grew to a C cup in middle school and I started having my period when I was 12. And I learned how to drive when I was 14 too, just didn’t go out on the road. My dad had an old car that he let me drive around on their farm when I was bored. By the time I could legally drive, I was really good at it.

    • L February 22, 2013, 11:05 am

      In many ways 14-year-olds are still like children though they think otherwise and try to act like adults. All I know is that many of the 14-year-olds I teach cause me to drink…

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      • Rangerchic February 22, 2013, 3:22 pm

        OMG…I have a 17 year old that hasn’t gone through the boys phase yet and tries to act all grown up but she really isn’t and I have a daughter who just turned 13 who is the opposite. She talks about boys (though no one specific because she doesn’t want me to know!). Ugh…now I’m worried from all your stories!!! I was more like my older daughter…I guess I better keep an eye on my youngest!

  • Fabelle February 22, 2013, 9:14 am


    LW1: Right. WWS.

    LW2: Jesus. Yeah, the first thing I did was the math on this was—you were FOURTEEN when you met this guy?

    Obviously, stop “seeing” him. Just stop. Stop. Stop. I want to say there’s something wrong with him (there is), but I actually think the problem might also be you?

    It’s just not that clear to me whether or not you’re ~actually~ in any kind of relationship with this man…or if it’s all in your head? You say he “saved” you (gonna ignore the problematic phrasing of that for a sec) after your abusive past, & then that you “took care” of him while he was unemployed. Is there any sexual aspect to this relationship? It sounds like he just had you staying with him since you had nowhere else to go? And when you confessed your feelings, & he began rightly avoiding you.

    I just. I don’t know. The whole thing sounds weird. Also, he’s 41 and your only 21—of course he opens up more to his peers.

    LW3: Too much baggage, shadiness, & immaturity. MOA.

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    • katie February 22, 2013, 9:33 am

      i agree re: LW2. i dont think she actually has a relationship with this guy. maybe he is a creeper/a little creepy, but i think she is the one with delusions here. he “saved” her? come on. she has issues. many, many issues… and LW2, he is *not* going to be able to help you with them. you need to deal with them yourself…

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      • Fabelle February 22, 2013, 9:39 am

        Right? I thought maybe I was way off, but it definitely just sounds to me like—yeah, he’s probably a creep with boundary issues—but ultimately, it’s her who’s building things up to a level that it’s just not.

      • katie February 22, 2013, 9:45 am

        well, honestly, the only objectively creepy thing is that he told her that the “feelings” she has are mutual- but he could have easily lied about that, just because the situation is awkward/he didnt know what to say/he just agreed because thats the easiest out. he is avoiding the situation, and specifically her now, so really he isnt interested, we can say that for sure…

        he might have really just been a kind man in her life who took her in during a bad situation- and also, she had to leave her house- so i wonder if her own father was the abusive relationship? that would explain the daddy issues, too. so i dunno. either way, she needs help and has issues. thats the bottom line i guess.

      • Fabelle February 22, 2013, 9:57 am

        True, that part was vague as hell & it does read like, I dunno, hopefulness on her part? I ~could~ see the conversation as perhaps having gone like this:

        “I have FEELINGS FOR YOU”

        “Err, well, I care about you & always will. Let’s, um, talk about this later.”

    • 6napkinburger February 22, 2013, 10:59 am

      Did anyone else think it was strange that she said he WAS the hottest guy ever? I kept waiting for the “but now he gained 50 pounds and lost all his hair” or something. I couldn’t even tell if she was attracted to him.

      Does anyone understand what “He’s very handsome and very well-educated, but KIND OF TO HIMSELF” means? Does that mean he keeps to himself aka shy? If she’s been dating him for two months, how could he have gone from unemployed therefor incapable of having a relationship convo to fully employed and on top of all finances. I mean, i get that he could have just gotten a job, but doesn’t 2 months seem a really short time for that turn around?

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  • theattack February 22, 2013, 9:19 am

    But Wendy, I think LW3 said they started talking on the chatline after he had already broken up with her, right? It’s definitely a red flag she didn’t even tell him about the pregnancy though. I wouldn’t necessarily write the guy off immediately, but I would want to find out in no uncertain terms exactly what happened there.

    LW1, WWS.

    LW2, WWS, plus this guy does not even sound interested in you. It sounds like he realizes you like him and he’s trying to back off, but you’re not getting the hint.

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    • theattack February 22, 2013, 9:21 am

      Oh, and btw LW3, why does he need someone to watch his dogs and cook for him when he’s unemployed? It makes sense that he would need financial support, but if he’s at home all day, why the hell is he not doing that stuff himself? MOA MOA MOA

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      • theattack February 22, 2013, 9:30 am

        oops, LW2, not 3

    • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 9:24 am

      I’d write him off. The whole thing is weird. Does anyone aspire for semi normalcy anymore?

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      • theattack February 22, 2013, 9:29 am

        haha, Obviously it would be better if he didn’t have a surprise child with another woman, but if he truly didn’t know, and the ex didn’t have a good reason to not tell him, I don’t think he did anything wrong here. There are lots of reasons she could had for not telling him that don’t have anythign to do with him being a bad person. She could have been trying to pass it off as someone else’s for one example. I’m not saying he’s off the hook, but I don’t think we have enough information to say either way.

      • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 9:32 am

        I know, but its kind of like a “where there’s smoke, there’s fire” in my mind. 2 months together? Not worth dealing with this. Met on a chat line while he was in a relationship? She’s already got 2 kids with 2 different dads? All of those separately wouldn’t have alarmed me too much, but together? Just walk away, its still so early.

      • theattack February 22, 2013, 9:33 am

        Yeah, 2 months isn’t enough time to deal with it, you’re right. I don’t think they met while he was in a relationship though. She said he broke up with his girlfriend before they started talking.

      • MMcG February 22, 2013, 10:44 am

        No, thank goodness, or I wouldn’t have anything to do during my workday!

      • 6napkinburger February 22, 2013, 11:06 am

        See, I agree, but I think it may be a glass house situation. She has two young children by two different men, he has a child on the way — that might be a cultural norm and part of normalcy for them. Of course, it might not be. (You have a child but I don’t think you’d be cool with dating a guy with a bunch o baby-mamas). And this might be the kind of thing she needs to accept because of her baggage and at least their baggage matches. (By the way I do not mean anything about your situation, choices, family, beautiful daughter, or awesome soon-to-be fiance (????) when referring to this LW)

      • 6napkinburger February 22, 2013, 11:24 am

        Oops, not beautiful daughter, bad 6! (though I’m sure she is beautiful). Substitute “interesting, engaging pride-inducing daughter” instead!

        (Though I would have said beautiful son as well. But still, bad feministing, 6! bad!)

      • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 11:56 am

        fyi, took no offense to your point. I get it. And yes, still (????) soon to be 🙂

      • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 11:55 am

        I expected a reply like this. If I had a baby with my SO right now, yes, I’d have 2 kids with 2 different fathers. My mom remarried and had more children…2 sets of kids, 2 different dads. I personally just wouldn’t choose to take on more than I’m already dealing with. Had my SO had a child when I met him, I would not have dated him, especially if he had an infant he just found out about. If my SO were my brother, I’d have told my brother not to date me. I think my SO was crazy and I think my stepdad was crazy. Its difficult as hell. At 2 months in with a surprise baby, 2 of your own, no one to help you (no one=live in dad), I’d just rather not.

      • 6napkinburger February 22, 2013, 12:56 pm

        This isn’t very open minded of me, but I think there is a huge difference between having children with different fathers when you were married to one or more of the fathers, and having accidental children with accidental fathers, in terms of both cultural norms and baggage factor. (Which is also a huge difference between the LW and people like your mom). I also think that whether the child (especially the second, or third) was planned also weighs into the “baggage factor”.

        (This is me agreeing with you).

      • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 1:04 pm

        Agree. Not open minded, but honest. I wouldn’t blame anyone for judging me now, I was stupid…or especially if I had another surprise baby. Is what it is.

      • 6napkinburger February 22, 2013, 1:31 pm

        And I meant that especially pertaining to multiple accidental pregnancies resulting in children. It’s kind of the fool me once thing, but with a blessing as the result, assuming that you see it that way and want and keep and raise and love the unexpected child. And I didn’t really really really didn’t mean to call a child “baggage;” what i meant was that even (and especially) single mothers would agree that a lot more goes into finding a life-partner when you have a child than when its just you, which certainly makes it complicated and can limit the pool of willing and able applicants for life-partnership.

        P.S. I don’t judge you — and certainly not for this. (Maybe a little because your hatred of totes.) And I’m not actually judging this LW — just aying that her pool of eligible men may be more limited because of her situation and that this may be a negotiable, rather than a deal-breaker.

      • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 1:35 pm

        🙂 I knew what you meant. But thank you.

      • 6napkinburger February 22, 2013, 1:39 pm

        PPS I thought you were totes against marrying this future Mr. Be Honest… what changed? when? where? how? details!

        PPS so happy for you!!

        ppps really need to stop before the hubby people get too many bright ideas

      • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 1:52 pm

        He totes will be my adorbz hubby one day. For a long time, I never wanted to date, then I met him but did not ever want to get married. Just over time and seeing how things progressed and watching him and my daughter, I just felt ready, like it was right for ALL of us all of a sudden. They want to be family and I want him to be my family and her family. And I want his family to be my family. This is a guy who not only cares immensely about both of us, but my extended family so much that he offered to give my sister a (very old, used) car when she needed one. Loves my siblings like they are his own. Its all very sappy. So anyway, he knows I’m finally ready. I think it was smart to wait until now and am glad I did. Could be any day now…we’ll see.

      • lemongrass February 22, 2013, 2:32 pm

        Aww, I’m so happy for you! He sounds like a really sweet guy 🙂

  • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 9:23 am

    I’m feeling really depressed after reading these.

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    • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 9:56 am

      I’m feeling uplifted — about my own life.

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      • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 9:59 am

        Great. How come?

      • MMcG February 22, 2013, 10:46 am

        @ lbh, my guess is that comparison to train wrecks can make your own experiences seem so much more functional. At least that’s what I get out of it… kinda like when my mom would yell at me for blowing curfew in HS and I would retort “well at least I still get good grades and aren’t pregnant!”

        Love a good strawman sometimes 😉

      • 6napkinburger February 22, 2013, 11:11 am

        Scheudenfraude baby.

        -Oh. Schadenfreude, huh? What’s that? Some kind of Nazi word?
        -Yup. It’s German for ‘happiness at the misfortune of others’.
        -‘Happiness at the misfortune of others’ That is German!

        The world needs people like you and me
        Who’ve been knocked around by fate
        ‘Cause when people see us
        They don’t want to be us
        And that makes them feel great
        We provide a vital service to society
        Schadenfreude — Making the world a better place to be!

      • TaraMonster February 22, 2013, 11:23 am

        I need to go see that again. Best. Play. Ever. And do you know why? Two words: puppet sex.

      • MMcG February 22, 2013, 1:18 pm

        How is puppet sex not getting more likes? What is going on here people!?!

  • bethany February 22, 2013, 9:26 am

    LW1- WWS

    LW2&3– you guys are making my head hurt. I don’t think I can read this today. I feel like BGM…. I’m losing hope in the world.

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    • landygirl February 22, 2013, 10:43 am

      My head hurts too…from banging my head on the desk after reading these letters.

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  • CG February 22, 2013, 9:32 am

    LW3 sounds like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” Anyway, LWs, WWS x3!

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    • katie February 22, 2013, 9:39 am

      haha, except it was the man who didnt know, and that show is called maury… amiright? lol

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  • Doodles February 22, 2013, 9:39 am

    LW 2: I have sooooo any issues with what you wrote. How did you meet up with this guy? You were 14 yrs old!!! Was he a friend of your Dad’s? You need to move out, go back home, go to school, and start seeing people your own age… no scratch that… you do not need to start seeing any body, you need to get counseling immediately!!!! I do not know if you two have a sexual relationship, & if you do, when did it start? You need to get away from this man right now. He either is a predator or he sees himself as a father/uncle type figure and you are misconstruing the whole situation? IDK but you need to get outta there and go back home. You have no right to move in with a 41yr old man who is not family, this is wrong on soooo many levels! LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE RIGH NOW!!!!

    As for LW 1: WWS
    LW 2: This situation is too sketchy for words do WWS, I have a feeling your gut is telling you to MOA, and you need to listen. You have children involved. You need a mature, grown man, not a clueless boy.

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  • cdobbs February 22, 2013, 9:40 am

    the title “stalked by ex” reminds me of a guy i was dating when i was still in highschool…after we broke up…he broke into my house and found a box of condoms in my dresser…he then called my work and found out that i was at an amusement park that day with some friends…doesn’t he show up at the amusement park and in front of a group of about 20 people i am friends with and work with, he throws the box of condoms at me and then starts asking each guy that was there if they are the one that is sleeping with “his girlfriend”…aaarrrggghhhh….most humiliating day….EVER!!!! (i still don’t know how he got lucky enough to run into me…the amusement park (Canada’s Wonderland for all the Canadian Dear Wendy readers) is huge (Disney World size) with thousands of people walking around!

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    • MMcG February 22, 2013, 10:47 am

      At least you had plenty of witnesses to the crazy!!

      Reply Link
      • cdobbs February 22, 2013, 2:09 pm

        true…they did get to see his crazy behaviour first hand!

  • Sheryl February 22, 2013, 9:44 am

    LW1 – I wouldn’t write “stalking” in the email right off the bat. I feel like that might unhinge someone already on the edge. I would just be plain and clear to stop contacting me via phone, email, and coming to your house.

    LW2 is confusing to me, too. I’m not clear if there is a relationship, or he is keeping his distance because she was 14 when he met her. Maybe he is just acting like a father figure to her, and she doesn’t know it? Either way, if i was the LW I would MOA asap and get your life together.

    LW3 with two kids you should be avoiding this type of drama. MOA.

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  • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 10:04 am

    LW1 – I’m just wondering, when you say the guy “keeps” texting you, I assume he initiates the texts… but what does he say in the texts? And do you reply? What do you say back? … From what you’ve said he could be barraging you with creepy texts, or he could be texting “sup?” and you could be responding “nada, sup with u?” or whatever it is kids today text. … So first I’d say, make sure your replies back aren’t giving him the green light. Showing up uninvited? People don’t seem to do that so much anymore considering people have phones and usually can give SOME head’s up – like a text “hey I’m in the neighborhood, you home?”… I can’t think of the last time someone just rang my door out of the blue. Except yes I can it was two days ago, and it was my ex-boyfriend and he was wasted and it was BAD BAD BAD. That’s for another day. So, is that what this ex of yours is doing? Or is he just sort of inviting himself over? And… are you saying “come on on in, buddy!” I just… I just… I just need more answers! Actually, I don’t need the answers. You’ve got them so you can figure this out, I know you can! If he is “stalking” you… then that’s when it’s nice to have those clear messages in writing to stay away, so that when he doesn’t, you can take the evidence to the PO-LEECE.

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    • iwannatalktosampson February 22, 2013, 10:07 am

      Um I need that story right now

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      • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 10:38 am

        I’ll tell you the story. … In a forum. But later, I. Must. Do. Work.

      • MMcG February 22, 2013, 10:48 am

        NO AP – I WANT TO KNOW NOW!!!! Damn you… now when I am done with the comments I might have to do work!?! Not nice 🙂

      • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 10:51 am

        I know, I’m being such a tease.

    • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 10:07 am

      uh oh.

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      • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 10:11 am

        Isn’t she funny she thought she could sneak that in and no one would notice.

      • Addie Pray February 22, 2013, 10:15 am

        So are you saying you guys read EVERYTHING i write? That long block response deserved nothing more than a skim at best!

      • Christy February 22, 2013, 11:44 am

        I won’t lie, AP, I skimmed it.

        Thank goodness everyone else can tell me it was important!

    • Fabelle February 22, 2013, 10:09 am

      I agree, that story is for right now, not another day 😉

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    • bethany February 22, 2013, 10:10 am

      I think we need to hear that story TODAY. Now, in fact.

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    • kerrycontrary February 22, 2013, 10:39 am

      I actually did have a guy who would just show up at my apartment when I was in college, even though I had rejected him multiple times (and I lived in a locked apartment building, so he had to wait to follow someone else in). I’m glad it didn’t escalate into anything scarier. But he would show up at like 2am or 3am on a Saturday, completely random and uninvited. I always turned him away but he did it a couple of weekends in a row.

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    • TaraMonster February 22, 2013, 11:30 am

      Tell us!! Tell us NOW ::stomps foot::

      If you won’t tell a story, I will. I got laid last night. And it was AWESOME. That’s the end of my story. Carry on. (PS I missed you guys all week! Work is cuh-rayzay.)

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      • CatsMeow February 22, 2013, 11:40 am

        Congrats. 🙂

    • TaraMonster February 22, 2013, 11:42 am

      Wait I have a better story!

      On Saturday some guy at a bar came over to me and asked my zodiac sign. And he was really hot. LIKE SO HOT- 6′ 2′, built, tan, chiseled features. So I answered his incredibly cheesy question because you know the HOTNESS made me not care. Then he asked my friend and we’re both Virgos so he was like “Oh I could tell. I’m writing my dissertation about [insert incoherent ramble about South American astrology here that made me doubt he could ever write a dissertation].” And then we all talked about where we’re from and some other bullshit UNTIL he pulled this line out:

      “I just have to say you ladies look very fertile this evening.”

      And so I was like. Hmmm. He’s SO HOT, but clearly bonkers. My friend decided to mess with him and asked him which of us he preferred and he proceeded to explain that we are both so different, but both of us have perfect hips for childbearing… and that’s when my friend and I burst out laughing and walked away. He was not amused.

      I called everyone I met fertile all night.

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      • 6napkinburger February 22, 2013, 11:49 am

        On last friday, my friends kind of co-opted these guys’ table at a dive bar type place, and I sat down because i was wearing impossible heels. This drunk but really cute guy who is friends with the guys whose table we stole looks at my three friends and is like,” you ladies are so fine, especially you” gesturing t me (guy is white and apparently italian, though he doesn’t look especially italian, which will matter). I have to say that it felt nice to be called out. Then he follows up, in front of the whole group of people, including our guy friends, because everyone is paying attention to the drunk guy:
        him: you italian?
        me: nope
        him: oh, jewish then
        me: actually yes
        him: I would love to have sex with you, just so you knoiw
        me: ummm
        him: you know, back in the day, all the italian men went after the jewish ladies…
        me: ok…
        him: you know, if we had sex, I guarantee you’d have an orgasm… even before penetration…
        me: um…
        his friend: whoa, we’re really sorry about him
        him: I don’t mean to offend you, I totally respect you, I would love to take you home tonight. I’ll be right back (off he went to smoke a cigaratte outside)…

        I was practically speechless… I promise this is all practically verbatem

      • TaraMonster February 22, 2013, 11:55 am

        LOL. “even before penetration” Bc he just had to clarify!!

      • 6napkinburger February 22, 2013, 11:58 am

        I was so curious whether his point about back in the day italian men was a reason why we should have sex, or an explanation of why I looked italian — i still am!

      • Rangerchic February 22, 2013, 3:30 pm

        @6napkinburger…your story reminds me of a time when I was 16 and was on vacation with a friend on the beach in Florida (on the Gulf). We met these really cute guys and were walking along the boardwalk and one guy turns to me and says “ya know sex burns at least 100 calories an hour” ~ Like that line was totally going to get me into bed with him LOL. I don’t think I even responded…I didn’t know what to say!

      • MMcG February 22, 2013, 12:13 pm

        @Taramonster – unless you are in line to the throne, fertility shouldn’t really be at the forefront of your mind. So creepy. And such a shame to waste all those hot looks! Why do so many hot guys = hot mess?

      • TaraMonster February 22, 2013, 12:33 pm

        Right!? A little while later he came back and offered us gum (I shit you not!). And so I was like “Look. You’re really hot, so I’m going to give you a little advice- never tell a woman she looks fertile when you’re hitting on her.”

        His reply? “You guys were hitting on me.”
        Me: “Ok. Go away now.”

      • MMcG February 22, 2013, 1:20 pm

        You tried TaraMonster… but he was going to grasp defeat from the victory of that teachable moment regardless of what was said!!

  • llclarityll February 22, 2013, 10:56 am

    Appropriate answer to the LWs today: Get some self respect A-SAP. Oh, and a hobby. A hobby might keep you from allowing a dude to swallow up your whole life.

    (to be fair I guess this doesn’t apply to LW1).

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  • MMcG February 22, 2013, 11:01 am

    LW2, I wanted to tease out this line specifically because I think it raises most of the issues I had reading your letter — “I left my home to avoid any memories of my past and started staying with the current guy I’m seeing.”

    1. please seek some form of counseling to address why it is you feel the need to escape from your past, because avoiding doesn’t work in the long run. I’m going to make a wild leap and guess that you never felt supported at home, or potentially dealt with abuse, and you’ve been looking for someone to care about you and love you. There’s nothing wrong with that – but you have to love your self too and I don’t get anywhere from your letter that you feel like you have any value or respect in yourself.
    2. I know your young, but how do you just move in with a guy you’re “seeing” ? Was there any conversation? Was it just leaving one situation that was bad and leaping directly into another without thought or concern for your own well-being? Have you had actual sexual relations with this guy or has it been more of a fatherly role that you are reading way too much into?? I want to call him a pedophile based on meeting you at 14, but I don’t know how it happened. He could just be someone in the community trying to help out a girl in trouble with a bad family and support system, and your seeing white knight = love, and NO NO NO.
    3. When you write that he said he was feeling something long-term… did he actually SAY that or did he say something kind and generous about supporting and caring for you and you just lept to the riding off into the sunset narrative? You don’t actually say that you’ve even kissed him, just that you find him sexy.
    4. You are 21 years old yet you fail to mention anything that you do with your time other than waiting on this guy and his dogs… do you have an education and/or a job? what are your plans or goals in life? Have you ever thought about getting on your own and supporting yourself? Is that even possible!?! I ask these questions to raise the point that even if all the other red flags didn’t exist… your past was fine, your family was great, and this was a nice 25 year old guy that you moved in with that you didn’t meet when you were a child — what are you bringing to the relationship!?! What are your interests?

    MOA is insufficient, I feel like you should MOY (that would be Move on Yesterday, with the right bit of “oy” in the pronunciation to get your feeling across, I’m trotting it out to see if it sticks) and spend some time figuring out WHO you are and what you plan to do with a very very long life ahead of you. Good Luck!

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    • lets_be_honest February 22, 2013, 11:59 am

      MOY! Yes!

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      • MMcG February 22, 2013, 1:21 pm

        Moy Veh… 🙂

  • Lindsay February 22, 2013, 11:04 am

    Sorry, but I don’t believe the guy didn’t know she was pregnant. Guys know how women feel about them having babies with their exes. I’ve been in a similar situation.

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  • L February 22, 2013, 11:07 am

    LW2 and 3: Aim higher.

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  • ebstarr February 22, 2013, 11:10 am

    One word of advice for you, LW3: condoms!

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  • John Rohan February 22, 2013, 11:18 am

    Regarding LW1, I agree with Wendy’s advice.

    HOWEVER – I have a feeling that’s not the actual advice the letter writer was hoping for. Certainly she already knows she can go to the police to stop a stalker. I get the feeling that while she doesn’t want to date him anymore, she might be enjoying the attention and the boost to her self-esteem to have someone chasing after her (and maybe she enjoys the drama of the situation too). I think what she really wanted to know was if this guy was doing this because he still loves her. The fact that she mentioned that he’s still seeing another woman was one huge hint. Of course, I don’t know her at all, but that’s just my instincts talking.

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  • sarolabelle February 22, 2013, 11:20 am

    I don’t even like 41 year olds and I’m 31. Hope I still like my husband in 10 years!

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  • lemongrass February 22, 2013, 12:00 pm

    So people actually call chat lines?

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    • Red_Lady February 22, 2013, 12:43 pm

      That’s what I was thinking too! I always see those cheesy commercials on late-night tv, and I thought they just employed a bunch of sexy sounding people for lonely people to talk to. But you can actually talk to “real” people? I had no idea!

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      • theattack February 22, 2013, 2:15 pm

        Same here! I’ve always joked with my fiance about getting a part time job at one of those things to bring in some extra cash. I guess I’ll have to find a different profession if those people are real!

  • bittergaymark February 22, 2013, 1:28 pm

    LW1) Do what Wendy says. Also, stop responding to the texts altogether. Maybe you are already doing so — at any rate it bears repeating. Don’t be unnecessarily bitchy or angry in your email as that often just fuels the fire… Instead be very calm and rational.

    LW2) Ah yes, the surprise baby. Often the only thing truly surprising about these stories is that so many people actually believe them.

    LW3) Um, NEWSFLASH! You’re not his partner, you’re just some little child in his eyes that can conveniently pay all the bills in times of crisis. Good thing so few women out there like to date assholes or I’d be worried that you won’t dump this guy or that he’ll wind up immediately just using somebody else. Good thing we all know that neither of these two grim possibilities will ever happen…

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  • Michelle February 23, 2013, 7:33 pm

    LW :He had already broken up with his girlfriend before we started talking

    Wendy: You say you met on a chat line months ago, presumably before he broke up with his girlfriend.

    I always love your advices but maybe you read that one on a hurry.

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