“My FWB Called Another Woman After We Did Our Thing!”
It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
Are you wrong for “feeling any type of way” by a so-called friend who is disrespecting you by asking you not to talk while he calls another woman to come over to his house right after you and he had sex? Um, no. You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship with someone to feel offended by disrespectful actions. You describe your relationship as “friends with benefits” but this guy isn’t treating you like a friend. You feel like trash because that’s how he’s treating you. I can’t imagine that the benefits of this situation are great enough to outweigh the negatives. Girl, MOA.
He only told you what he thought you needed to hear in order to continue having sex/your being intimate with him. Believe him when he says he doesn’t see a future with you. That’s also code for: This relationship is just for fun until I get bored or find someone I like better so consider yourself warned and don’t give me drama with I move on. Girl, MOA.
There’s a reason you’ve never heard anyone say: “Find yourself a man who looks at you like he looks at other attractive women,” and that’s because literally no one wants that, including you, so why are you still with the loser? Girl, MOA!
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.
LW1: That was probably his girlfriend on the phone.
LW2: He doesn’t see a future with you but hopes to have a future with you? Boy, GTFOH. Girl, MOA.
LW3: Just dump this guy and move on.
To all: AIM HIGHER!
I had a long term FWB and let me assure you that the key to that working is respect. He isn’t giving you any. Move on. You don’t have to want to be with someone to be offended by bad behavior.
I wish I knew what I know now, back when I was younger. I wished I hadn’t put up with such crap because I thought I “deserved” that. I wish everyone woman, man, and whoever would put a bigger value on themselves and not put up with being disrespected, and devalued.
FWB is ok – if it’s mutual and there is respect. If you feel disrespected, get out of it. If your man tells you you’re “fun for now” believe that he’ll drop you when he finds someone who’s fun for awalys. Get out now. If a man has a wandering eye, it’s not far off from a wandering dick. Drop him now.
All things I wish I had told myself when I was younger. But, I would have sworn up and down “But MY situation is different.” It’s not. It never is.
FWB does not mean settling for crap treatment. Anyone who doesn’t treat you kindly and with respect is NOT someone you should be screwing. It’s seriously sad that people doubt that.
LW1: It’s not “friends” with benefits if they treat you like crap. You’re definitely justified in being upset about it. But now that you know how he is … if you keep seeing him, then you’re agreeing to that treatment.
LW2: If the only reason someone says they see a future with you is because you cried and they realized you might break up with them, then it’s not real. It means he realized he could manipulate you into staying by pretending he changed his mind. Move on. He’s going to eventually anyway.
LW 1- I dont think you have grounds to be upset. It is called FWB for a reason. If you guys had just watched a movie and he called a girl after to go and hang out would you be mad? Probably not. You guys had a good time rolling in the hay, as friends, and after yall were done he made plans. So you either need to get over it or get out. Or if you feel he is a shitty friend then stop being his friend.
Good luck to you though. I never had much luck in those arrangements. Too hard to keep emotions out of it.
Bacon Mistress —
That strikes me as ridiculous. It’s one thing for him to drop her off and call another woman. It’s a big slap in the face to call the other woman right in front of her. Yes, as a fwb she needs to expect that there are probably other sex partners in her life. She is at least entitled to the illusion that she alone is enough for him for that particular night. He treated her rudely and crudely. Agreeing to fwb is not signing up for that sort of insensitive treatment.
FWB= not romantically entwined, purely friends, JUST sex.
And that is what she got. So no it isnt ridiculous. If she wants more she needs to speak up. Wanting him to curb his romantic calls around her would not be something you asked your friend to do… unless they keep interrupting the movie. And he may have done it to remind her that it is a FWB relationship. Sounds like she needed the reminder and may be getting too caught up. Sad but true.
Re: LW3… okay, but we aren’t saying that we expect our partners to never look at other attractive people, right? Or is Wendy saying if your partner looks at other people, EVER, then that’s grounds for MOA? I wonder if this LW could talk to her partner first, maybe he does look at her that way but she doesn’t notice because she’s too busy being paranoid about other attractive people within a three mile radius?