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It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
My girlfriend was with me in the car and she saw a young black man walking down the street and she turned around in her seat to watch him, to the point of being rude. We were at the market and I was buying her groceries and a black man was ahead of us in line. She rushed to get ahead of me and just glared at him. Another time she asked me to take her to a bar to go dancing. A black man walked close to her and out-stretched his hand right next to hers, waiting for her to touch it. She was in front of me so I couldn’t see if she was giving him eye contact, but there was a reason he moved in close to her. I recently dumped her because of these feelings I had about that. What is your take on this? — Not a Black Man
That she is lucky to be free of you.
I’m a 25-year-old girl and have been seeing a 27-year-old guy for almost three months now. I really like him a lot and every time I’m with him I feel happy, but the day after I feel down and wonder if he cares at all about me. He doesn’t have time for us because he is always working, and sometimes we don’t text each other for 2-3 days. He does not call me and we don’t talk that much. I miss him so much I cry almost every night. I tell him that I miss him, and he just says “I miss u too.” I understand he is a busy man, but now I feel like giving up! He is the only thing I think about everyday. Should I forget it or should I be patient and see how things go? — Crying All Night
If after three months, you’re so obsessed with this guy that he’s all you think about and you cry almost every night because it’s been 2-3 days since you heard from him, I strongly suggest you get a life. Find some hobbies, make some friends, find anything else to think about besides him. No decent guy will want to get serious with someone who has absolutely nothing else going on in her life and screams “desperate” from a mile away.
I just got out of a bad relationship. He would say he loved me and was attracted to me, but that I drive him crazy and he couldn’t read me. He would always accuse me of talking to other men. He would start fights with me over stupid shit and leave me so confused and hurt. He started to be aggressive and emotionally abusive. I feel he was intimidated by me and insecure. Is that why he was acting the way he was? I never gave him a reason not to trust me. He knew I am an independent, strong, attractive woman. I’m what you call a “seductress” and I feel he couldn’t handle the type of woman I am. Am I right? — Seductress
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Lemongrass April 26, 2013, 9:09 am
LW1: I would dump someone who checked other people out so blatantly in front of me irregardless of what race they were checking out. If she was turned on, that is just disrespectful. If she is racist that is just unacceptable.
LW2: get some self esteem. You can find that in therapy.
katie April 26, 2013, 9:11 am
haha, i agree re: is she attracted to black men or is she like, scared of them? so weird. and, who just reaches out to hold hands with strangers??? seriously, maybe a fake.
lets_be_honest April 26, 2013, 9:48 am
Right, I was wondering if she was just fascinated by them. It was such a weird description.
BreezyAM April 26, 2013, 10:01 am
It seemed to me he was describing dancing? like the dude was asking her to dance?
Fabelle April 26, 2013, 10:47 am
That’s what it seems like to me, too. I mean, in the club, all sorts of weird shit happens & this didn’t seem THAT weird (although it was described poorly). Also, I agree with MMcG below that this guy was just seeing things that weren’t there because of his own inferiority complex.
MMcG April 26, 2013, 10:25 am
Or was she barely changing her manner/actions and this guy is a crazy racist who thought that every time his woman so much as glanced in the direction of a black guy she was getting jungle fever.
I mean the turning around in the car and staring had me a little on his side, until the whole bar episode where someone was merely in proximity and she may or may not have even looked at him or touched him. That’s crazy!!
csp April 26, 2013, 11:13 am
I think he had been dumped for a black guy before.
Liquid Luck April 26, 2013, 10:40 am
My first thought was whether she only acts this way around black guys, or if that’s how she’d act around any guy she thought was hot and he only noticed when they were black. And by “glare” does he mean she was actually glaring at him (which to me has a negative connotation), or was she staring at him and checking him out? Those are very different reactions.
6napkinburger April 26, 2013, 10:09 am
Fair enough for LW 1 (though Im not sure I agree), but I just want to make sure that we all agree that someone can be attracted to particular features without being “racist.” If someone is, say, finds 25-32 black men with defined muscles and broad shoulders attractive (e.g. Taye Diggs in when Stella got Her Groove Back), which is redoubled if said male has light eyes, that doesn’t make someone racist. Even if someone is ONLY attracted to one race, that STILL doesn’t make them racist. The engine chooses what it wants to rev for, and it doesn’t have to be PC. Agreed?
lets_be_honest April 26, 2013, 10:21 am
If loving Taye Diggs makes me wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
Married by Elvis April 26, 2013, 2:08 pm
Amen to that
GatorGirl April 26, 2013, 10:24 am
Oh, I whole heartedly agree. Just because you like X, Y, or Z better doesn’t make you racist. It’s racist if you specifically do NOT like a person because of X, Y, or Z.
6napkinburger April 26, 2013, 10:30 am
Especially if we are talking about sexual attraction. (I think you are agreeing, but I just want to clarify.) Realizing that you’ve never been attracted to someone of Race Z, and therefore saying (when super duper pressed and when relevant and in the proper contexts) “I’m not (really)attracted to Z guys.” I would argue, STILL doesn’t make you racist — it just makes you self-reflective. [Note: none of this is the same thing as saying “I would never DATE an Z guy.” … totally different things. You might never date a Z guy because you aren’t attracted to Z guys, but the statement “I would never date a Z guy” by itself isn’t the same thing as saying “I am (just) not attracted to Z guys.”]
GatorGirl April 26, 2013, 10:38 am
I agree. And somehow followed all those letters!
Liquid Luck April 26, 2013, 10:42 am
But those Z guys have the sexiest accents!
6napkinburger April 26, 2013, 12:12 pm
Z guys always do. Z girls to. All of Z people. Zo zexy.
Lemongrass April 26, 2013, 11:11 am
Absolutely. It wasn’t clear though in his letter whether she was attracted or not.
MissDre April 26, 2013, 11:34 am
I’ve been told a number of times that I’m racist against white people because I don’t date white guys. I don’t have anything against white guys, I just don’t want to sleep with one.
lets_be_honest April 26, 2013, 11:40 am
Hm, I bet if you said I only date black guys, they would be less quick to say you’re racist. Not being attracted to a certain race isn’t racist.
MissDre April 26, 2013, 11:58 am
I don’t only date black guys, though. I also like Indian guys 🙂
TaraMonster April 26, 2013, 1:50 pm
LOL. The new guy I’ve been dating? He’s Indian. And he’s the third Indian guy I’ve dated since my ex!
What does this mean?!
lets_be_honest April 26, 2013, 1:56 pm
I am also wildly attracted to indian guys.
Roxy_84 April 26, 2013, 3:05 pm
meadowphoenix April 26, 2013, 11:54 am
I feel like whether you are racist for liking or disliking people or features of a particular ethnicity or race is a case by case basis kind of thing. But I gotta disagree about writing off an entire race/ethnicity not being problematic. The range of looks for one race or ethnicity is so diverse that saying you aren’t attractive to a race would most likely mean you aren’t attractive to the people of a race/ethnicity who look a certain way, usually a stereotypical way. I wouldn’t call it racist, but I would call it kinda ignorant and close-minded and it would indicate something about how you feel about race/ethnicity. I mean Idris Elba does not look similar enough to Michael Ealy to be so certain about what you don’t like by race/ethnicity. I would side-eye someone who wrote off all Asian men when Godfrey Gao and Suraj Sharma are so different.
I also think it’s important to realize that sexual attraction isn’t completely genetic. What revs you up is culturally defined too, and the culture can have many racist implications. I don’t think it makes a person racist, but I feel like people should try to open themselves up to all kinds of beauty.
meadowphoenix April 26, 2013, 11:57 am
Although I will say, that as a black person, it’s harder for me to open myself up to white guys, because I’m definitely afraid of some cultural attitudes I know some of them have.
6napkinburger April 26, 2013, 12:09 pm
I didn’t mean to imply that it was genetic, but that it just IS. Maybe because of cultural things which you’ve internalized or such, but if something doesn’t make you wet or hard, it just doesn’t make you wet or hard and acknowledging THAT isn’t racist.
And I guess I don’t think saying “Y guys don’t do it for me” doesn’t strictly foreclose any future possibility of ever being attracted to anyone who be in some way self-identified as Y. Yes, it most likely is the stereotypical look, but I don’t see why that matters if you’ve never experienced anything other than that stereotypical look which you aren’t attracted to. I guess, what does it matter if there is some breathtaking individual of race/ethnicity Y in Y’s place of origin, who if you ever met, you would want to bang, but so far you haven’t met them and you probably won’t, to the fact that you say “Y guys don’t do it for me.” So you’ll be proved wrong… awesome. I feel like there is an implied “In my experience…” at the beginning of that sentence.
I guess, I agree that people should try to open themselves up to all kinds of beauty, especially in pop culture and in ads and such, but you’ll know within a couple of seconds if a person makes you hot or not and if you want to bone them, and there isn’t much you can do to change that — opening yourself up or otherwise. You can always be wrong, but you have to make generalities about yourself to yourself — that’s how one goes about understanding themselves. And I guess, I don’t see it as ignorant to say that you aren’t attracted to a type.
I guess, if I was talking to my girlfriends about the guys in a magazine who were hot (because I mean, who doesn’t passed the age of 12), and one said she hearted one who was of ethnicity Y, and I said that guys of ethnicity Y don’t do it for me, I don’t see that as ignorant either. Sure, there might be someone somewhere of ethnicity Y who does, but so what? I’ll have been wrong? sure. All generalizations aren’t 100% accurate, but it is impossible to have any sort of understanding of yourself without them.
6napkinburger April 26, 2013, 12:20 pm
PS we’re talking about checking out people on the street and such, not about love/life partnering. That type of attraction can take time to build (at least for women, which I know from experience) and isn’t as snap. Which is why I said above that I think saying “I’d never date a Y guy” is different than “I’m not attracted to Y guys.” I think “I’m not attracted to Y guys” means “I’ve never been attracted to Y guys” and that it is always possible that you’re wrong, so that being a little openminded is beneficial. That said, you don’t have to be entirely open-minded, to the point of ignoring things you know about your attraction to people, (e.g. thinking “I’ve never gotten wet when hooking up with a Y guy and I dont’ think I’m attracted to them, but let’s try again!!”) which will just waste a lot of your time, and theirs.
meadowphoenix April 26, 2013, 6:46 pm
I don’t think we’re going to agree completely, and I think I’d need a thesis paper to articulate why saying attraction just “is” doesn’t really end the story. I still find writing off an entire race, snap judgement or no, is problematic. I don’t think it’s racist, but I don’t believe the sort of experiences you’ve had to had to develop your own personal attraction rules don’t seep in other aspects of your life. Especially since there’s a lot of neuroscience to suggest that humans see features as a indication of personality. I also think attraction is heavily cerebral, so focusing on what gets you hard or wet isn’t the whole story either.
But I respect the way you see things, and I get what you’re saying about snap judgements of attractiveness, knowing how you yourself work, etc.
katie April 26, 2013, 1:04 pm
i absolutely think that culture/childhood teachings/ect can have an impact, because that has happened in my life. im not particularly attracted to black people because we were taught that you should never “mix the races” or whatever the old testament bullshit is.
this is probably part of a much larger conversation about attraction, what is internal vs. what you have been taught, cultural stereotypes, casual racism, and probably a bunch more things.
however, i wouldnt label someone who said “i am/am not attracted to x race” as a racist, like 6napkin was saying. i think that finding out the why, when, ect of that is more where you can get into the racist vs. not racist part of people.
Irregardless April 26, 2013, 7:53 pm
katie April 26, 2013, 9:10 am
oh my…… i cant even handle these this morning!
Desiree April 26, 2013, 9:15 am
Any woman who proudly calls herself a “seductress” has read way too many bad novels.
Lily in NYC April 26, 2013, 11:17 am
I prefer “foul temptress.” My ex’s mom called me that behind my back on the day we met because I was a year older than he was (we were still in college). I overheard her and could not help but to crack up laughing. She was so pissed.
Escapehatches April 26, 2013, 12:43 pm
I’m what you would call an “awkward leer-er.”
I’m going to use a non-sequitur like that, at random in my real life. Please post ideas for me below!!
I’m what you would call a/an:
Addie Pray April 26, 2013, 9:15 am
LW1 confused me. I didn’t get the sense that the girlfriend was flirting / checking out other men but that maybe she had never seen a black man before! I’d say that you are both lucky to be free of each other.
GatorGirl April 26, 2013, 9:15 am
LW1, Race isn’t a factor here, well unless you’re racist. In that case…go be a hermit or something. But this girl was being disrespectful oogling guys so blatantly in front of you and you’re both better off not in this relationship.
LW2 You are a hot mess. Get some therapy.
Taylor April 26, 2013, 10:19 am
“…go be a hermit or something.” Hee! The thing I now what to tell the assholes of the world.
GatorGirl April 26, 2013, 10:25 am
I was going to say “go jump off a cliff” or “go f yourself” but I’ve been told I’m being a little harsh lately 🙂
Liquid Luck April 26, 2013, 10:44 am
LW2 should definitely add cliff-diving to her list of new hobbies. I hear it’s awesome. Getting herself off wouldn’t hurt either 🙂
Taylor April 26, 2013, 12:02 pm
Harsh can be good. Also, I meant “want to tell”, not “what to tell”. I don’t know why I get typing-impaired in comments sections.
Nadine April 26, 2013, 9:16 am
How does one qualify to be unequivocally called a ‘seductress’, please?
Addie Pray April 26, 2013, 9:21 am
First, I think you need a cape. LW3, do you wear a cape?
LK7889 April 26, 2013, 9:32 am
I think a cape classified you more as a super hero. But maybe a seductress is a type of super hero? I don’t know, all I know is that I put a cape on my dog and it was super cute for the minute that he put up with it.
Ok, I seriously need that coffee now…
Amy April 26, 2013, 10:56 am
Perhaps it’s a sheer cape.
MMcG April 26, 2013, 3:11 pm
A cape inspired by Gwyneth, just sheer on the sides 🙂
GatorGirl April 26, 2013, 9:38 am
What about thigh high black boots? I think that def is a must.
katie April 26, 2013, 9:42 am
thigh high boots are a must.
your only allowed the cape if you dont wear a shirt with it.
Addie Pray April 26, 2013, 9:43 am
That’s good. I say, if you’re a seductress, you need: thigh high black boots, some sort of shiny belt, and a cape. And I say you must have wild and curly hair, like Medusa. But not snakes because come on seductresses are real, she was not. Duh.
GatorGirl April 26, 2013, 9:45 am
I’m envisioning like an eye mask thing too. A la Halle Berry catwoman minus the ear parts.
And a whip.
othy April 26, 2013, 10:21 am
Definitely a whip.
katie April 26, 2013, 9:45 am
is the belt your “pants” or do we get to wear pants too?
LK7889 April 26, 2013, 9:49 am
Ok, this “seductress” is turning into a dominatrix before our very eyes…
GatorGirl April 26, 2013, 9:53 am
So I googled “seductress with cape” and wonderwoman came up. hahaha.
Addie Pray April 26, 2013, 9:50 am
Oh no pants. If you were pants you are per se not a seductress.
LK7889 April 26, 2013, 10:06 am
What if it were something like, oh, I don’t know, crotchless pants? Or ass-less chaps?
Katie April 26, 2013, 10:11 am
Truer words have never been spoken.
Addie Pray April 26, 2013, 10:28 am
Today’s a tough day for me!
Lily in NYC April 26, 2013, 11:22 am
A seductress must clench a rose in her teeth at all times. She must show miles of milky white cleavage. She must wear black gloves up to her elbows. But she must never wear underwear.
Desiree April 26, 2013, 9:38 am
I am wondering if LW3 uses it as justification to behave badly. I’ve heard girls say, “I’m just too hot for [insert boyfriend of the week] to handle.” What they were really saying is, “I am wildly inappropriate with other guys and am super disrespectful of my boyfriend, and I expect my boyfriend to put up with it because I am super attractive.”
csp April 26, 2013, 11:15 am
THIS!!! Once I had a guy tell me, “you shouldn’t get involved with me, I am bad news.” I was like, “So if you say that up front then if you are mean and hurt me then you don’t have to feel bad because you warned me first.” same thing!
Miss Terri April 28, 2013, 3:43 pm
So true…. I think we have all known women like this. I am an attractive woman, and don’t mind a little flirting/mild seduction when I am out, but never when I am with a boyfriend. It it extremely disrepectful. And most attractive women know that you really don’t have to “do” anything for men to want to talk to you… So even though her boyfriend may have been abusive, her own behavior sounded questionable.
lets_be_honest April 26, 2013, 9:49 am
I can answer this for you, because I am one. Addie is right, you have to wear a cape. I bedazzled mine, which makes me what you would call a Master Seductress. Once I’m wearing my bedazzled cape, I slither all over you. Trust me, its hot.
findingtheearth April 26, 2013, 10:00 am
Have you seen the show Lost Girl? The main character is a succubus. Maybe LW3 is confused.
lets_be_honest April 26, 2013, 10:02 am
Never heard of that before. I googled it, and now I know what Incubus stands for too.
Taylor April 26, 2013, 10:21 am
Joan, from Mad Men. Unequivocally a seductress.
LK7889 April 26, 2013, 10:58 am
But she doesn’t wear a cape!!!!
Taylor April 26, 2013, 12:03 pm
Yeah, but her red dresses are >> capes!
findingtheearth April 26, 2013, 10:30 am
Oh Joan. I love her.
Fabelle April 26, 2013, 9:25 am
What the fuck. Sorry, LW1, but you’re the one who sounds obsessed with black guys. I second WWS.
LW2: You say you feel like giving up, & I think you should. Please leave whatever this relationship is & work on not being a mess.
LW3, ahh, I was really feeling for you because this sounds like an emotionally abusive situation, but then you called yourself a seductress & threw me way off. If your boyfriend’s a dick, then he’s a dick. Don’t make excuses for him by saying he acted that way because he was intimidated by your seductressy independent strength. However, good for you for getting out of that relationship.
LK7889 April 26, 2013, 9:31 am
LW1 and LW3 both threw me way off. It seemed to be going one way and then they both said something so awkwardly strange that I had to re-read the letter to figure out what it was saying. And still couldn’t figure it out.
I should know better than to read shortcuts before I’ve had my coffee.
Copa April 26, 2013, 9:37 am
LW2: Yikes. I’m slightly baffled. Notwithstanding my personal issues with not spelling out simple words like “you” when texting, what’s the issue with someone responding “I miss u too” when you tell them you miss them? Seriously, what should he have said to satisfy you? Please get some self-esteem. It is really not healthy to be this wrapped up in someone, especially when you’re only a few months in.
LW3: I don’t think it matters how insecure he was or how much of a seductress you are. It sounds like a crappy relationship that you should be glad you’re out of. Also, I often hate when women conclude that obviously a breakup was the result of how intimidated the man was.
Miss MJ April 26, 2013, 9:48 am
Is there any chance that LW#1 and LW#3 might be the two halves of the same couple?
Other than that, I’ve got nothing.
Liquid Luck April 26, 2013, 10:48 am
That’s probably why LW1 started seeing LW2 on the sly. At least SHE appreciates him for his skin color.
Miss T April 26, 2013, 10:15 am
I am inclined to say that LW3 is writing just for an ego boost. If being “sexy” and being recognized and valued and paid attention because of that “sexiness” is such a huge part of her personal identity, I can understand why it would negatively affect her relationship–people who are obsessed with being sexy are rarely satisfied with the approval they get from their partners, and they seek out that approval from others as well. It may or may not be infidelity, depending on your view, but it could cause a lot of trust issues.
Also, someone who would qualify herself as a seductress sounds like someone with low self esteem. This is just my opinion, but I find that people who have to make announcements about themselves on social media usually don’t have the qualities they are proclaiming they have–they just wish they did, and they want everyone else to think they do. It’s a lack of self-awareness and conscientiousness, which can also be another factor that negatively affects relationships.
lets_be_honest April 26, 2013, 10:28 am
I know everyone’s joking about the seductress comment, but I don’t think just saying that means you might have low self esteem.
Miss T April 26, 2013, 10:50 am
I don’t think it definitely means she has self-esteem issues–I don’t know her at all, except for these few lines she wrote to Wendy–but the tone of her letter was strange. If she had left off the last line about being a seductress, we wouldn’t be laughing about it, but why write to Wendy just to confirm that you are in fact a great person who is independent and attractive while your ex is an insecure, macho jerk?
Lindsay April 26, 2013, 11:00 am
Yeah, I thought the last lines were funny, but if it was real, then she’s still blaming herself for this guy being abusive and assuming guys are insecure when they’re just asses is not really a good move.
Liquid Luck April 26, 2013, 11:10 am
Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything in her letter that definitively labels this guy abusive. She says he was “aggressive” but not that he was ever physically threatening toward her, and “emotionally abusive” is just as vague here. Is she referring to the fact that she’s bat-shit crazy and they argued about it? Did he give her an ultimatum about her behavior toward other guys (which again, could be controlling or it could be warranted)? It also sounds like HE left HER, which makes it seem like he got tired of her shit and moved on, and she’s trying to justify getting dumped by saying he “couldn’t handle her,” to avoid taking any responsibility for her behavior. This just doesn’t sound like an abusive relationship to me. Dysfunctional, yes, but not abusive.
Kate B. April 26, 2013, 10:32 am
I totally second that last part. If you have to tell everybody you’re all that, you probably aren’t. If you are, you don’t have to tell a soul.
CatsMeow April 26, 2013, 10:55 am
I feel like LW3 feels bad about how the relationship went and is maybe trying to make herself feel better with the whole “seductress” thing? Like, “Whatever, he’s a jerk, he just can’t handle my awesomeness.” Still, that description is bizarre.
Lindsay April 26, 2013, 10:21 am
LW1: I think you may be a paranoid racist. None of your stories have anything to do with each other besides there being a black man in there. I’m not sure that any of them are signs that your girlfriend was interested in the men, except maybe when she turned around to look. But glaring at the back of someone’s head is usually not the same as checking them out (did you mean “staring”?) and neither is someone else offering you their hand.
MissDemeter April 26, 2013, 11:01 am
I feel like I’m starting my day out with crazy x3.
Liquid Luck April 26, 2013, 11:02 am
I totally feel for LW3’s ex. Some women do attract a lot of attention from guys (although going so far as to call yourself a seductress is so ridiculous I don’t understand how you manage to keep yourself alive). But I’ve learned that they’re usually the ones that are constantly flirting with everything that looks like it might have a penis. Sometimes it’s just part of their personalities and it’s not a conscious decision, but a lot of times it’s just an ego thing.
So here’s the deal, LW3. If you are constantly flirting with/touching/innuendo-ing other guys in front of your boyfriend, you’re being a shitty girlfriend. A little flirting is fine. Doing it every single time you see another dude is obnoxious and disrespectful. Stop concentrating on all the guys you haven’t banged and think about the one you are currently doing. Flirt with HIM in public. Dress up to impress HIM, not a bunch of strangers. And for the love of god, if you’re going to feel somebody up at the bar for a free drink, your boyfriend is a great choice. If you make a few changes, you may actually have a chance at a healthy long-term relationship, which will do wonders for your self-esteem.
findingtheearth April 26, 2013, 10:05 am
oh wowser. Here I am drinking coffee and stumble upon these gems.
LW1- whaaa? I am so confused. She was holding hands, you think, with another man while you were dancing? Maybe she is dealing drugs. Or she thought she saw 50 Cent/Kanye. I would freak out like that if I saw Kanye West. White girl from Montana loves her some Kanye.
LW2- Is English a second language? I feel as if I am missing something….you are 25- prime dating/relationship age. Have fun. Don’t be obsessing over some dude. Co-dependency is never pretty.
LW3- Seriously. a Seductress? who says that? Hi my name is ______ and I am a seductress.
j2 April 26, 2013, 11:38 am
I was expecting another Facepalm Friday, but LW #1 bothers me. If the genders were reversed, would the reactions by W and others here be the same?
That is, she writes in that she just dumped a guy because when they were together in public, he kept leering at black chicks, turning to watch them, moving closer as though he hoped for incidental brush contact ….
GatorGirl April 26, 2013, 12:32 pm
My reaction would be the same. “LW1, Race isn’t a factor here, well unless you’re racist. In that case…go be a hermit or something. But this guy was being disrespectful oogling girls so blatantly in front of you and you’re both better off not in this relationship.” I mean why would the reaction change?
Fabelle April 26, 2013, 12:52 pm
If literally nothing was different except the genders, then yes, I think the reaction would be the same. It’s the race thing—it a clear indication of a personal hangup, which is leading most to doubt the validity of what the LW is saying (is she REALLY staring that long? did she ACTUALLY do anything at the club to draw that dude’s interest? P.S., you don’t have to do anything to get guys’ interest at a club)
katie April 26, 2013, 12:58 pm
well, first off, he didnt say “leering”, he said “glaring”, and the way you set up those phrases vs. how the letter reads are different.
the way the situations read, the woman was just acting probably normally and this guy is making up interactions that arent there. the way you are presenting it, there would be clear sexual attraction. if this LW had some examples of clear sexual attraction, i think the responses would be different, but even THEN it wouldnt be about race, it would just be about a shitty girlfriend checking out/hitting on other men in her boyfriends presence.
Lindsay April 26, 2013, 2:01 pm
Yeah, but what you’re describing isn’t what he described. His three incidents were her looking at a guy, glaring at a guy’s back, and having a guy reach his hand toward her (LW doesn’t know what she did in response). That’s totally different that repeatedly “leering” at people.
Also, Wendy’s right. Yes, leering at men would be rude, but this guy seems to only care that they are black men.
Wendy April 26, 2013, 1:51 pm
I think anyone who makes a point of specifying someone’s race over and over and over isn’t cool. Who cares if these guys are black? If the LW had a problem with his girlfriend ogling other men in front of him, fine, say that! I would be like, “Yeah, dude, not cool.” But because he was so careful to point out that each of these guys is black, I think THAT is what he has a real problem with, and that, to me, is lame.
j2 April 26, 2013, 3:03 pm
What if he was right and he was simply supplying all the facts he had at hand?
katie April 26, 2013, 3:11 pm
i could see that happening, but dont you think the letter would have been worded different?
j2 April 26, 2013, 5:08 pm
Maybe not. That’s sort of my point. I don’t want to call the guy racist when – if the facts are _exactly_ as he presented – he is not.
I guess I was hoping W would add that there was more in LW #1’s question that she did not print.
MMcG April 26, 2013, 3:17 pm
Either his girlfriend is a flirt or she isn’t… the fact that he only mentioned specific examples involving a specific race and limited examples leads me to the same conclusion as Wendy (and the example given as a reason to break up is batshit… I thought someone was standing in proximity to my gf and may or may not have extended his hand, and while she didn’t react I’m not sure if she gave him eyes so going to blame her for possibly thinking about reaching out her hand!?!)
Liquid Luck April 26, 2013, 3:10 pm
1) Anyone who breaks up with someone because they moved closer to another person, even if they were possibly hoping for an incidental brush of contact, has issues and needs some serious help.
2) This is purely a race issue, which wouldn’t be different if it was a man or a woman objecting to the behavior. I kept trying to find a common link among those three incidents, and they all seem completely random. The girlfriend didn’t react the same way to any of them. Watching a guy walk, glaring at someone in line ahead of her, and standing near someone who was holding out his hand (seriously, wtf is up with that?) are not similar activities. The only commonality is that they were out in public near a black man.
gatecrashergirl April 26, 2013, 12:32 pm
RE LW 1 – I’ve gotta say that this is the first time I read Wendy’s reply and thought it was wayyy off base and a unjustifiably harsh. Granted the letter was a bit hard to follow but I definitely read it as a “What’s going on with this girl” kind of letter, more than a “LW only notices black men so he must be a closeted racist.” I’d be a bit weirded out by someone (a SO or just a friend) who “stares at black people to the point of being rude.” Why not open up a conversation about why she’s doing it? Did she grow up in an area where black people just weren’t common? Does she even know she’s doing it?
MMcG April 26, 2013, 3:20 pm
He’s not interested in the conversation, he made assumptions based on projections of his gf’s desires when she came in proximity to a stranger in a public place and did nothing… she is lucky to be rid of him!
A La Mode April 26, 2013, 12:54 pm
LW3: … Trying to be Courtney Stodden, much?
LK7889 April 26, 2013, 2:47 pm
That girl creeps me out. So does her creepy, pathetic husband. Creeeeepy.
Northern Mermaid April 26, 2013, 1:03 pm
I was kind of reading that LW1’s girlfriend was racist and he was bothered by it. Either way, probably better that they aren’t together.
Liquid Luck April 26, 2013, 3:16 pm
I would have thought that, except the LW flits between accusing his girlfriend of alternately glaring at one guy and giving another “come hither” looks across a crowded club to lure him near her. If he really thought she was racist, why would he include an incident like that in his reasoning?
AKchic_ April 26, 2013, 1:19 pm
LW1 – move on.
LW2 – it’s been 3 months, not 3 years. Ye Gods woman, you sound desperate, clingy, and generally someone I wouldn’t want to date just because of the issues you’ve admitted to in your letter. Loosen up and enjoy your life outside of your relationship.
LW3 – So your boyfriend was an ass. Don’t wear a coat of guilt to cover for someone else’s issues. Calling yourself a “seductress” suggests that your sexuality is the problem, when it’s really that guy’s lack of self-esteem and insecurities. My 2nd husband would occasionally get weirded out by how many people would come up and talk to me in public, especially when asked how I knew the person I’d be honest and say “had sex with” that person. Current SO doesn’t care.
You may need a secure, confident man, or you just may need to tone down your own behavior. That’s not for me to decide.
Just be happy you got away from the ass when you did.
-AKchic, Destroyer of Curtsies
Vathena April 26, 2013, 3:09 pm
LW2: I’m thinking “seeing” just means “sleeping with”. If that’s the case and they are FWB, he’s texting her enough to keep her on the line for the next booty call, while not investing any actual time into dating her: “…every time I’m with him I feel happy but the day after I feel down and wonder if he cares at all about me. He doesn’t have time for us because he is always working…” Either way, WWS. and therapy.
cdobbs April 26, 2013, 4:45 pm
I’m confused by Wendy’s response to LW1…shouldn’t it be…”You are lucky to be rid of her”….the girl sounded so disrespectful…if a guy i was seeing checked out people while out in public with me I would totally break up with them….or was the reply sarcastic? sometimes things go over my head!
Anonymous April 13, 2019, 5:24 pm
Yikes, 1st one has toxic masculinity written all over it. Dumping her and not even talking about it? That’s an insecure white man. Hopefully she’s drinking BBC cum cocktails as we speak.