It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
Last night I had a dream of my husband cheating on me and I woke up worried and confused. I’ve caught him with pictures of a naked girl but he said that his friend forwarded the pictures to him. Then, I see that his contact list has become fuller. Also, we were at a relative’s house and where there was a woman my husband flirted with all night and even got her number. Lately, he’s been acting questionable — he’ll ask me where I’ve been and he’s accused me of cheating four times this week already. I planned a trip for our anniversary, but he suddenly doesn’t want to go, and says he’d rather I go with my sister and have fun. But that trip was for our anniversary! Please help. I don’t know how much longer I can go with this. — Suspicious Wife
Your husband is projecting his own indiscretions onto you, which is why he’s questioned your faithfulness four times in the last week. Stop tolerating this terrible behavior and demand he go to couples counseling with you, as well as the anniversary trip you planned. If he refuses, call the trip a “freedom vacation,” take your sister along and toast to the idea of being free from your no-good, cheatin’ husband sooner rather than later.
I recently started dating this guy. I’m 18 and he’s 26. We met a week ago over the internet and right when we started talking I fell in love with him. He’s in the Army, but he’s already done one full tour and he’s trying to get out. I know this sounds naive but we’ve already told each other we love each other and how we can’t wait to meet. The other night, I was wondering if I’m not the only girl he’s talking to… so I made a fake profile and asked him to be friends with benefits (on the fake profile), and he said he loved his girlfriend and he would never do anything like that. But he found out it was me be tracking down my IP address to my phone. I told him it wasn’t that I didn’t trust him — I do; I just wanted to see what he would say. He said I really hurt his feelings. I just wanna know if what I did was wrong and should I really believe him when he says he loves me? — In Love After a Week
Yes, what you did was wrong, and, no, you should not believe him when he says he “loves” you. Repeat after me: conversing for a week online is not a relationship and it is definitely not love. And this phrase should never, ever be uttered in all seriousness: “We’ve already told each other we love each other and how we can’t wait to meet.”
My husband and I have been together for three years. I recently found out that since 2012, he has been looking up transvestite websites, signing up for websites, looking at porn, and responding to transvestite ads on Craigslist, wanting to be the “bottom.” When confronted, he says he hasn’t done anything and isn’t attracted to men. He seemed deeply remorseful that he has hurt me and promised to never do it again, but it’s just hard to trust. He says nothing physical happened, but I don’t know. Is he secretly gay? I’m so scared that one day he will say he is, but I love him too much to leave him. We have a 6-month-old daughter. What do I do? — Married to Transvestite Fan
He’s probably not secretly gay since what it sounds like he’s attracted to is transvestites and not men-men. That is, he likes men who look and act like women. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that your relationship is over, but the two of you definitely need professional counseling to guide you through what this revelation about your husband means for him, for you, and for your marriage and family. You should obviously both get tested immediately for STDs. Maybe your husband is telling the truth about nothing physical happening with other people, but maybe he isn’t, and you need to protect yourself.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.