Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “My Husband Keeps Posting Nude Photos of Me on Swinger Site

It’s time again for Shortcuts: three short questions and three short answers because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

My husband keeps joining dating and swinger sites and posting naked pictures of me (never my face) and listing me as bisexual (I’m totally straight) without my consent. I’ve talked to him about it numerous times and he knows it upsets me, but he continues to do it. What should I do? — Totally Straight


File for divorce.

I’m 25 and have been in a relationship for two years now. I pay for everything and then we add up totals and split them between the both of us, although for the past three months he has not been giving me any money beside his share of rent and even that is late at times. He works a minimum wage job and has other personal debts. He doesn’t seem to be able to handle it all and it’s making me frustrated. When I bring up the money, he says I “just stress him out more.” What should I do? — Tired of Paying for Everything

 
Tell him that he’s an adult with responsibilities and “feeling stressed” isn’t a valid excuse to avoid them, especially when he’s screwing over his girlfriend in the process. Tell him if he doesn’t pay his share of bills over the next month or, at the very least, give you a payment plan that you’re satisfied with that he sticks to, you can’t live with him any longer. I’d start either looking for a new roommate or a new place to live now. He’s giving you a peek at what life with him will be like long-term, and you’d be wise to listen to the warning bells.

I met this guy a month ago under some interesting circumstances. Basically, he had to take care of me at a party and then the next week at a different party we went home together and hooked up. I stayed the night and it was great and we did stuff in the morning too. Anyway, week three rolls around and at another party we go home together, hook up, spend the whole day together tailgating, and go home with each other again. I spent the night again and stayed longer in the morning because he didn’t want me to leave yet.

Anyway, I snapped him that night about being happy to be home and he left me on read. Then Wednesday rolls around and I see him on campus and tell him I should be free later if he wants to hang out….and he hits me with the “maybe, I’ll let you know” (he did not let me know). Then today we run into each other again and talk for a bit but he seems distant. Then when I got dinner with some of his friends, I snapped him that he should come out, and he left me on read again. Should I just take this as like he’s not that interested in me anymore but doesn’t wanna say anything? I just don’t understand why he would spend the whole weekend with me only to be distant now. — Left on Read

 
Yes, you should take this as a sign that he’s not that interested anymore. In fact, he may never have been. You only just met. You spent some time — a weekend, basically — getting to know each other and it sounds like that was enough for him to know you aren’t what he wants right now. Or maybe there’s someone else he likes more that he’s pursuing. Regardless, you need to take the hint and move on. (Also, getting drunk at a college party and needing someone to take care of you is kind of the opposite of “interesting circumstances,” tbh.).

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

16 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Essie September 13, 2019, 9:44 am

    LW1: Oh, no. No. No. If that were my husband, there would be no “he keeps doing it” because he would have been dead and dismembered after the first photo was posted.

    I’m kidding. Sort of. I would be conducting a search and destroy mission on his phone and computer to make sure I found as many of the photos as I could and got rid of them. And then there would be a divorce. An ugly one. Get a lawyer, today, and find out what your options are. I don’t know if the revenge porn laws apply to married couples, but I’d sure be looking into that.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. September 13, 2019, 9:44 am

    He’s not interested any more. He was happy to have sex with you, but he doesn’t want anything else. Move on. I am more concerned about you getting so drunk at a party that you had to rely on a stranger to “take care” of you. This is so, so dangerous. There are people out there who would really take advantage of someone in that condition. You’re lucky that being ghosted is the only thing that happened to you. Please, if this is something that you do regularly, have someone you trust “take care” of you, rather than a stranger.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse September 13, 2019, 9:53 am

    LW2- stop paying for anything. If he can’t make rent, you should ask him to leave. You need a roommate who can pay their bills.

    LW3- Stop getting so drunk that strangers “take care” of you. You are putting yourself at serious risk. Where’s your girl gang?
    He isn’t interested anymore. He likes you when you’re drunk and he’s drunk. This wasn’t some love connection, it was drunken hookups.

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  • avatar

    d2 September 13, 2019, 9:55 am

    LW1, LW2, LW3 – No future here, move on already.

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  • avatar

    FYI September 13, 2019, 10:43 am

    LW3 — You in danger, girl. Get your shit together before something horrible happens. You should never put yourself in the position of needing a stranger (or anyone really) to “take care” of you at a party. Get smarter, fast.

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  • avatar

    Allornone September 13, 2019, 10:49 am

    LW2- a few months ago, my bf made a dumb decision. He had been working freelance IT and his safety net job at a bookstore which provided him with a (low, but comfortable and regular) wage and benefits. His IT work was going well, and earning a higher profit than the bookstore, so (against my advice and opinion, because I crave stability) he asked to cut his hours at the latter (which led him to lose his health insurance benefits). Then, one of his most regular clients died. Another had been that client’s mom and was too (understandably) distracted by her son’s untimely and suddent death to care about anything else. Yet another came down with severe health issues that made all other concerns (especially tech) unnecessary. Suddenly, my bf couldn’t make his half of the rent (and ahem, didn’t have health insurance). I paid the full rent for three out of four months for a time. But you know what he did? He fixed it. He went out, after years of being complacent at his situation (I was once too, so I don’t judge that much), and found a better job that would allow him, at worst, the ability to contribute equally to our finances, and at best, a future where he can grow and provide more. He didn’t just accept his circumstances. He messed up, yes, but then used the opportunity to better himself, without me having to say a word. Now, it might not be as easy for your man, but he should at least be willing to face the problem ( or at least discuss it with you) and start seeking out ways to solve it. Low paying job? I feel it. I had one too for a while, longer than I care to admit. But there might be better options out there, if he’s willing to do something about it. If he’s perfectly fine with you paying for everything and not doing anything to ensure that won’t always be the case, that’s…not good.

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  • avatar

    golfer.gal September 13, 2019, 11:15 am

    LW 1, this is deeply, deeply disturbing. Its a sickening violation of your privacy, of your marriage, and of you as a human being. I wonder what other behavior you are being, or will be, subjected to. You need to get away from this man and file for divorce as soon as humanly possible. You probably want to check the revenge porn laws in your state and see if you have any options to get those photos removed from the websites. Screenshot everything for your lawyer and request a restraining order/cease and desist if you can. Also, delete all copies of naked photos of yourself in his possession that you can.

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  • avatar

    Anonymous September 13, 2019, 12:46 pm

    Am I missing something in these letters that indicates they are all female letter writers, or is everyone just making that assumption? I get that it’s probable and that the advice doesn’t change, just wondering.

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    • avatar

      Allornone September 13, 2019, 1:38 pm

      the first one is definitely a woman because she refers to being straight and is complaining about her husband. The other two? You’re right- we’re just making hetero-normative assumptions about the LW’s gender and probably shouldn’t be. They do kind of sound female to me, but again, complete (and possibly wrong) assumption.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark September 13, 2019, 1:54 pm

      Eh… I don’t think that very many men in a gay relationship would have the same reaction as LW2. It is very common for one male partner to make significantly more than the other. Especially if the one partner is younger and hotter.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse September 13, 2019, 3:30 pm

      Reread the language used. Sure, I’m assuming but I still think LW3 is a woman.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy September 13, 2019, 3:50 pm

      They’re all women.

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  • avatar

    Bittergaymark September 13, 2019, 1:50 pm

    LW1). What? What is is rationale for doing this? I know he is wrong. VERY wrong. But what is his endgame? I don’t see what he hope to accomplish when you are so understandably so unwilling to start swinging. But yeah. I’d get divorced.
    .
    LW2) Is he blowing through his meager pay? Or is he actually broke. I suspect it is the former. And if so —- MOA. If it is the latter, then is he moving towards a better gig? Does he help out more around the house? Is he great in other ways? It’s not a sin to make less money than your partner. And god knows there are plenty of times where the roles in your letter are reversed and everybody thinks it is hunky dory. Just some food for thought.
    .
    LW3). Nobody wants to date an alcoholic. Actually, I so wish that were true. Correction: THIS ONE GUY clearly doesn’t want to date and alcoholic. Bang one? Sure, why not? So long as there is proper consent. But date one? Eh… funny, somehow that tends to get old REAL fast. Though all too often NOT fast enough. Go attend an Al-Anon meetings if you don’t believe me.

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  • avatar

    ron September 13, 2019, 6:05 pm

    Husband of LW#1 may be seeking return photos or he may be planning a surprise for LW.

    I think LW#1 needs to grab up all of hers and his cellphones, computers, thumb drives and other remote storage devices and trot off to a lawyer with them. If you and husband took sexy videos, take all copies of those as well. After lawyer has secured copies of everything they need, totally wipe them. Don’t be home when husband returns. That will put a stop to this posting and prevent revenge porn postings. Far better off without this guy.

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  • avatar

    Hazel September 14, 2019, 2:15 pm

    don’t always agree with Ron but Ron is totally on the nail here. Get everything, delete everything, and run for the hills. Your life partner should have your best interests at heart and he does not. This isn’t your fault at all, nobody ought to have to be guarded with their partner. If you don’t know how to do this technically ask a friend for help. Leave him with nothing he might use.

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  • avatar

    Donna September 16, 2019, 1:00 pm

    LW #1…eww. Is he taking pics of you when you’re sleeping, or are you letting him take these pics? Either way…eww.

    re: LW #3: when I read things nowadays like ‘I snapped him that night about being happy to be home and he left me on read’, it 1. makes me reaaaally happy I’m not on the dating/hookup scene, and 2. is it any wonder these relationships don’t work out? Hmm…communicating via Snapchat? DOOMED.

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