It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
Now I am the one that almost cheated. I got really drunk this past week and this guy I know tried to have sex with me. I was not aroused at any point and I begged him to get off of me because I was in a relationship, but also at the same time I was really wasted so I couldn’t push him off of me as much as I wanted to. He eventually stopped and left me. I am afraid to tell her what had happened because I knew that she would leave me. My cousin and best friend told me I should refrain from telling her since I was drunk and I told him to stop. What do you think? — Asked Him to Stop
I don’t even understand this. It sounds like you were almost sexually assaulted and not that you almost cheated. The guy was forcing himself on you and you were begging him to get off you, right? How is that cheating? Still, if your girlfriend wouldn’t believe that scenario, and she is making a habit of cheating on you (twice in three months), then, after four years of on and off dating, this relationship is probably better in the permanent “off” mode. Plus, both of you need to be more careful when you’re out drinking.
I have not heard from him for two days; he won’t respond to me. He said I was beautiful and kind and had a phenomenal personality but that he needed to work on himself. Really? He can’t be too focused on himself if he’s talking to other women. I even had flowers delivered. Is he wanting me to fight for him? Is he being an asshole and hoping I will take the hint? Will he ever reach out? I didn’t deserve this. I could not have been more sweet and supportive of him. It was always about him and then he ghosted me. Will this pain ever go away? I feel so deeply for him and I am in agony. I’ve gone to therapy, talked with friends and family, and have read as many articles I can. I pray daily for him. I just don’t know what to do or why this is happening. — In Agony
Let me get this straight: You met this guy a month ago and haven’t seen him in over two weeks? So, you essentially “dated” for, what, ten or 12 days or so? And you are in such agony over being ghosted, which happens all the time!, that you can’t stop crying, you’ve sent him flowers, you’re wondering if the pain will ever go away? Just a thought: Maybe the reason why he cooled his jets is that you came on a little too strong and he could feel you were a bit of a stage 4 clinger. At this point, you need to MOA and, in the future, don’t just say you’re going to take things slowly — DO take things slowly, and maybe then you won’t be so hooked after a few days that your world falls apart if the guy stops responding to your texts. And definitely keep up with the therapy!
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Raccoon eyes February 27, 2015, 9:20 am
LW1: Sounds like attempted rape to me. Also, WWS.
LW2: Just reading this scared me. For him. Yeah, it sucks to be ghosted and for someone you were falling for to use the trite “it’s not you, it’s me” bit, buuuuut, dude sounds like, well, a “player,” for lack of a better word. Be more careful with internet dating, and YES, when you agree to GO SLOWLY in a relationship, then you should in fact MOVE SLOWLY. Also, “fighting for a relationship” or fighting “for” someone was created by romcoms and sitcoms and such. It is not real, and most certainly not healthy. Dont do it, please.
Diablo February 27, 2015, 9:38 am
LW2, I know how you feel. This one time I was buying milk at a 7-11, and the beautiful cashier gave me a look that was so honest, sincere, sweet and meaningful that I knew right then we were meant to be together. Our eyes only met for an instant, but that is the moment when true love is born. Then she spoke: “Here’s your change, dude.” Sure, a casual passerby would think this was just professional courtesy, but her tone was full of sly wit, innuendo, and barely disguised desire. That was 20 years ago, and even though she left the 7-11, changed her hair, phone number and last name, moved to another city and committed suicide, I know, deep down, that we were meant for each other. I have saved all my tears from crying myself to sleep every night for all those years, and am planning to use them to irrigate the Sudan, and feed a starving nation with the power of my devotion. Soon as that’s done, Imma get a friggin life.
joanna February 27, 2015, 10:18 am
What is with these people who think they need to “fight for the relationship”? I have never heard of a situation in real life where that needed to happen. It just seems so melodramatic.
chief10 February 27, 2015, 10:34 am
Letter one: had to re-read twice because I wasn’t sure of the gender’s in the relationship, but yeah definitely sounds like an assault or attempted rape. Cut it out with the drinking and WWS, permanent off button
Letter two: Stage four clinger was generous, sounds close to 17 to me. Calm down and really take things slow, no one outside of a Drew Barrymore movie falls that quick for someone. You really wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with that guy anyways. I really hope my advice hasn’t made you fall for me.
juliecatharine February 27, 2015, 11:06 am
LW 2, I feel for you and hope you’ll take Wendy’s advice and keep going to therapy. It sucks when you want to find love more than anything and the universe seems to conspire against you by giving you a little taste of what you want/need and then *yoink* it disappears. I spent several years feeling that way and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone-it’s a special slice of hell. That being said, this guy isn’t the right guy for you. When it’s right it will be different–it won’t be all about him (it should be about both of you equally) and you won’t feel as if you’ve poured your whole self into someone only to have them not notice or appreciate it. I know you’re hurting but have faith in yourself and focus on the other things in your life that are good. Be grateful for your blessings and do things that bring you joy. If you like animals and are in the position to care for one I would highly recommend adopting a pet from your local shelter. Furry snuggles and companionship are excellent mood boosters and caring for another life will help get you out of your own head.
tbrucemom February 27, 2015, 11:38 am
I agree with your comment and think it is very kind. However, the LW’s reaction seems extreme for someone who in fact was only together 2 weeks. I’m not being judgmental but if you’re looking for an actual relationship I would hold up on being physical for a little while. I think that can tend to push the relationship into what seems like something more than it is for some people. I know there are relationships that developed when things got physical right away, but that has a lot to do with the individuals and timing. I wonder if the LW is in college because this sounds like a common scenario in college. It seems like people don’t just DATE and get to know someone and instead want to jump right into a relationship. Take things slow and really mean it next time!
bittergaymark February 27, 2015, 11:52 am
LW 1) Your GF sounds crazy. You need to pick better people to date, better friends, oh, and better parties to attend.
LW2) Stop dating. You aren’t emotionally ready for it — clearly. If your therapist isn’t already on this — find a new one. STAT!
Lyra February 27, 2015, 6:07 pm
LW2: Ok, so here’s my understanding of this situation. He says “let’s take things slow”…but then physically does NOT take things slow whatsoever. He made sure you agreed to no titles…while still “taking things slow”. Then SURPRISE, he finds a loophole because you agreed to no title. I think YOU thought that he agreed not to sleep with anyone else but HE thought you agreed to no title.
I’ve been like you before and I’ve fallen fast for guys. If after NOT EVEN A MONTH you feel like you have to “fight for him” that is a HUGE hint that this isn’t right. And the fact that you are in therapy to “get over” a guy you saw for not even three weeks…that’s not normal. At all.
wobster109 March 2, 2015, 12:09 pm
LW1: Perhaps you and your girlfriend would be good candidates for polyamory? In your letter it sounds like cheating isn’t a dealbreaker for you, and I never understood why people feel all this pressure to get worked up about sex with other people when it didn’t actually bother them. My friends and family keep trying to convince me that I should be upset/jealoius/whatever, and why bother work up the bad feelings that I don’t really feel? However if I’ve misread you completely, an it’s actually something that bothers you, then yes, what Wendy said. This relationship is way past expiration date. And yes, you were sexually harrassed. You did nothing wrong.
LW2: You are creepy, creepy, creepy! He does not want you to fight for him, and he is not an asshole. He’s his own person. And guess what, he has his own life that’s not about you! What do you think you “deserve”, his attention and devotion just because you want him? He said he’s not interested. Leave him be.