It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
In March I accompanied my daughter and her BFF to Mexico for spring break. On a dinner excursion, one of the employees flirted heavily with me, even telling me he “wanted me” in a roundabout way (i.e. he said it in Spanish but it was translated by my daughter because I don’t speak Spanish — awkward!). Even though I was initially very attracted to him, I backed away from any interactions with him, except dancing. I LOVE to dance! By the end of the three-hour excursion and many drinks later, on our last dance together we found ourselves gazing into each other’s eyes with a passion and desire I still can’t describe, or believe. I went back to Mexico in October and I saw this same man again; even though he says he didn’t remember me from the first time we met, he greeted me with a full-on body hug and proceeded to flirt with me again. His body language said he was still very attracted to me, but I can’t help wondering why would he lie and say he didn’t remember me from my March visit? — Spring Breaker
This guy meets thousands of women and tourists every year. Do you really think it’s that weird that he says he didn’t remember you? Yes, even him being so attracted to you he had to engulf you in a full-body hug, you still could have been as memorable to him as any of the other hundreds of attractive middle-aged women he meets on the regular. Count this as an enjoyable flirtation on a fun vacation and move on. I mean, what else are you going to do? Show up in Mexico again, waving your dance shoes in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other, saying, “Remember me THIS TIME?!” (The answer will still probably be, “not really . . . ).
I’ve got a guy who asked me out on a date about a month ago, and it was great. We had breakfast, and because that went so well he invited me to our college football game, then he invited me to dinner and then to a party all in the same day! I think I may have spent too much time with him at once, and, after spending days with each other hanging out, talking, cuddling and kissing, he said he was not interested in dating or in anything romantic, but simply wanted to develop a connection and for us to get to know each other better. A month later he still invites me to spend the night — we kiss, cuddle, watch movies, go out to dinner–and he will text me just to see how I am doing. But when I ask him how he feels, he replies: “I don’t feel negatively about you,” and he continues to dance around the subject. I like him and I don’t really mind where things are, but I’m just very confused. I also think it makes no sense to ask someone out on a date with no interest in dating the person…what the hell? I don’t want to be too pushy and freak him out, but I don’t want to continue pretending that I don’t care. — Interested in Actually Dating
New dating rule: if, when you ask someone how he feels about you, the best he can say is, “I don’t feel negatively about you,” MOA. He has told you in more ways than one that he is not interested in dating you-dating you. Does he like hanging out and kissing and maybe having dinner? Sure. But, obviously, he has no interest or intention in pursuing anything more serious with you and he’s been nothing but honest about that from the start. You may not understand WHY he’s not interested, but he’s not and that bothers you and you should move on.
I found a text of a picture of flowers on my wife’s phone with the message: “Good morning, my love.” We know this guy. He’s married, and there has been a little talk of how my wife says this guy likes her. My wife likes to tease me to get attention, especially if I question things — she will go on pretending and that’s what I always believed it was. I do believe and hope that this is one-sided because I do not see any replies from her. I question the guy because this is the most disrespectful thing imaginable. He knows it’s my wife — we go to parties at their house. I am ready to go to his wife with this. What do you think? — Disrespected Husband
Here’s an idea: before going to the other wife about what you found, go to YOUR wife first. Maybe she’ll have an answer that will satisfy you. Maybe not. If she doesn’t, your next move is to address the husband and ask why he’s texting lovey messages to your wife’s phone. Maybe he hit the wrong name in his address book — is your wife’s name similar to his wife’s name? — and that’s all there is to it. At any rate, any guys who texts a PICTURE of flowers instead of sending the real deal isn’t anyone to be threatened by anyway.
Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.
Kate January 9, 2015, 8:03 am
The struggle is real.
norabb January 9, 2015, 9:37 am
Wow, these people are particularly clueless today
Addie Pray January 9, 2015, 10:49 am
Today’s theme screams “clueless”. This is fun; let’s spot the them every Friday shortcut.
Addie Pray January 9, 2015, 10:50 am
Moneypenny January 9, 2015, 1:02 pm
I have to say, LW1 sounds like me when I was in high school. If my big huge crush made eye contact at me (picture Jordan Catalano), I felt swoon-ey for days. Oof.
ktfran January 9, 2015, 9:54 am
My dream some day is to have the love of my life… the man I pour my heart and soul into… my everything say “I don’t feel negatively about you.”
Truthfully, if I ever say any combination of the above about any person and I’m not saying it facetiously, I beg you to send me to the guillotine.
honeybeenicki January 9, 2015, 11:18 am
Sometimes my husband and I tell each other “I don’t hate you” in place of “I love you”… but we’re joking. So there’s that.
ktfran January 9, 2015, 11:42 am
See though, that cracks me up. That’s why I added my stipulation!
AllegroFox January 9, 2015, 12:06 pm
My boyfriend and I do “I love you, sometimes.” For maximum hilarity, bf will sometimes drag it out by saying “I love you” and then five minutes later running back through the room yelling “SOMETIMES!”
SpaceySteph January 9, 2015, 12:44 pm
My husband and I teasingly call each other the “worst wife/husband I’ve ever had.” (neither of us has been married before)
But its way different when you say it jokingly to a person who already knows you love them vs that being the most affection your booty call can manage about you.
simonthegrey January 9, 2015, 5:27 pm
My husband and I have “You say love, but you mean the other thing” that we say to each other when we’re playing, but again, the love there is genuine.
Laura Hope January 9, 2015, 11:31 am
“i don’t feel negatively about you” is exactly what my son with Aspergers Syndrome would say. And most people don’t know he has it. I’m not suggesting that this man necessarily has it but that’s the language.
bittergaymark January 9, 2015, 11:37 am
LW1) An employee on a dinner excursion that is permitted to dance with the guests, is thus expected to dance with the guests. Meaning, this is part of his job… Meaning, he must meet and flirt with thousands of women each year… Sorry, doll. But he just wasn’t that into you… Let it go.
LW2) Hey, “I don’t feel negatively about you either. Does this mean we have a future or are possibly soulmates? Go on, take a wild guess.”
LW3) Dang. A text message of flowers takes cheap to a whole new level. So I wouldn’t be too worried about your wife ditching you and falling for this guy. I mean, what’s next? A foodie instagram of a fabulous dinner? Or maybe — GASP! — an image of some romantic bedroom off hotels.com? PS — though. Um, why were you snooping on her phone anyway? Now that’s behavior truly worth worrying about…
Red_Lady January 9, 2015, 12:07 pm
C’mon now, texting a picture of flowers to someone else’s wife is “the most disrespectful thing imaginable”? Dude doesn’t have much of an imagination.
RedroverRedrover January 9, 2015, 12:44 pm
But it is pretty disrespectful if they run in the same social circles and know each other. I’d bring it up to him, definitely.
d2 January 9, 2015, 11:58 pm
It would be particularly disrespectful if in the picture he was exposing his peonies…
Regina Chapman January 9, 2015, 12:15 pm
The image of LW1 showing up in Mexico with a bottle of tequila and her dance shoes shouting “DO YOU REMEMBER ME NOW?!” reduced me to a spineless pile of hiccups. Thank you very much for that one.
Crochet.Ninja January 9, 2015, 12:53 pm
LW 1… sorry to sort of burst your bubble, but that was his job. you’re on vacation, employees at resorts are there to make sure everyone feels wonderful and has a good time. take all the compliments, but don’t expect anything further than that. you’re a simply a guest to him.
csp January 9, 2015, 1:03 pm
Right, I think they call that the Dirty Dancing package.
Moneypenny January 9, 2015, 1:00 pm
I have nothing to add except to say that I received an emoji of a flower once recently, and the sender got upset that I didn’t acknowledge later that “HE SENT ME A FLOWER.” Via text. As an emoji. There’s more to that story, but I’ll just leave it at that.
csp January 9, 2015, 1:02 pm
So weird snooping story that LW3 made me think of. My husband got me a wireless printer for Christmas (Ahhh, Romance). So he was setting it up with my Ipad and started down a snooping path. I came home and he was like, “So, why was your last google search ‘How many ritz crackers are in a sleeve?'” I then had to admit, “So I ate an entire sleeve and needed to log it into my calorie counter app.” Yup, sometimes the things people find aren’t scandalous but still embarrassing.
simonthegrey January 9, 2015, 5:29 pm
My husband has the kind of job where he can go online as long as work is getting done. He came home from work yesterday to tell me he’d gone on reddit and read my post history. All of it, except the video game posts so he doesn’t spoiler himself. I didn’t feel it was snooping; nothing I put on the Internet is private, and if I needed it to be – that’s what throwaways are for. Or one of the account names he DOESN’T know. I think a lot of people would be upset by that, and there are a few things I’ve said on there that I might not prefer he read, but sometimes when you snoop, you get what you look for.
othy January 9, 2015, 1:23 pm
I had a friend who was a professional schmoozer on a cruise ship for a few years. He’d dance with all of the old ladies and see to it that they were all wined and dined and had a good time. Nothing beyond dancing and conversation, but that was explicitly his job description to flirt with the older women. He said he was pretty good at remembering repeat customers, but there were so many over the years.
possumgirl January 9, 2015, 2:28 pm
Totally disagree with most of you on LW3. If they are having an affair OF COURSE he would send a picture instead of the real thing. He can’t send flowers to this woman, so this is his way of saying “I wish I could send you the real thing”. Husband needs to have a serious talk with his wife STAT. Something is definitely going on.
d2 January 11, 2015, 11:19 am
LW3 – It could be a mistake. I once had a colleague from work accidentally send me a romantic/sexual text that was intended for their spouse. The realized their mistake and called and asked me to delete without reading (which I did). I would talk to your wife. If she is clueless why the message was sent to her, I would suggest having your wife respond to the message and ask if it was intended for her. If the message is a mistake, the sender will likely embarrassingly apologize. If the sender tells your wife it was for her, you and your wife should distance yourselves from the couple.
wobster109 January 13, 2015, 5:05 pm
LW3: Why on earth would you go to his WIFE? She’s the one person with no involvement in all this. Leave her out of it.