It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I’ve been dating this guy for like a week, and he is expecting a kid with his ex. They had a night and she got pregnant. He is 22 and gay, and I am gay as well. He says that he wants to be happy regardless of his ex expecting a baby. In case he is my “soul-mate,” should I ask questions like: “Am I gonna come first after your baby is born?” Also, regardless of his ex needing him, who should be first: she and the baby, or me? I want to have a family in the future and I want to be my husband’s priority. I’m 19 years old, by the way. I know it might sound selfish, but I want ME AND MY KIDS to come first. In the future I should be first in his life (in case there is really an “us” and if he is really who God wants me to spend the rest of my life with). — Always Comes First
Uh, no. I would not advise asking someone you’ve been dating a week who will come first, his kid or you. Instead, I would suggest simply moving on because you have an unrealistic expectation of dating a parent-to-be. You will never come before a parent’s baby, unless your partner is a shitty parent, in which case he wouldn’t/shouldn’t be the person you want to have a family with. If you were mature enough to handle the idea of coming second to a potential boyfriend’s child, then I’d suggest getting to know this guy — you know, longer than a week — and seeing if you even have a connection and mutual interest in building a relationship together and going from there.
I slept with a guy on the first date. He was talking really quickly about a future together and he invited me back to his place, which made me feel very comfortable with him. He was very sweet: he cooked for me, showed me family pictures, and told me family history. The day after, I texted him to let him know I had an awesome time with him and I looked forward to spending more time together. I sent two texts. I haven’t heard a peep from him at all… I feel like I got duped! I feel like he just said those things to get me into bed, like some sort of high school trick. I am very ashamed of myself because I do not normally sleep around. Was he just trying to get into my panties or did he feel a connection that scared him off? I feel like he just wanted sex! I haven’t contacted him anymore. — Duped
Yes, he did probably just want to get in your panties, but don’t beat yourself up about it. What’s done is done and you certainly aren’t the first, nor will you be the last, woman to fall for a man with a plan. Next time, don’t be so quick to believe a sweet-talker who discusses a future together before the main course.
My girlfriend of 13 months has just informed me that she is going on a 5-7 day vacation with her ex in-laws. On entering the relationship we had discussed her relationship with these people. We said that phone calls, lunches and kid grads and such is fine. We are expecting a child now and I don’t agree with her going away with them. I’m not invited on this trip. Am I being a jerk? — Not Invited
No, she is. It’s one thing to keep in touch with an ex’s family and to see them at the kids’ events and activities. To go on vacation with them is bad enough, but to not invite you is a real slap in the face. You need to remind her of, and you two need to re-discuss, your earlier position on boundaries and expectations when it comes to her ex in-laws.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].