Today, we’ve got three letters in one column:
You met the guy three weeks ago and knew him for what — a few days? — before he returned home? You haven’t “really fallen” for him. You’ve fallen for the idea of not being single. But guess what, being single and having the opportunity to meet someone who might be emotionally and physically available to you is a hell of a lot better than being tied up with some guy in another town who has an on-again-off-again girlfriend and a baby on the way. Also, this baby being the guy’s first or twenty-first child shouldn’t determine whether he wants to be involved in its life. A decent man would always want to be involved in his kid’s life no matter how many other babies came before. And if you’re ever involved with a man who tells you otherwise, that’s a huge sign that the guy’s a loser and you need to MOA. (Another sign you need to MOA: He lives far away, has a girlfriend and a baby on the way, and you’ve known him for a few days).
First of all, do you think living together before marriage is really “wrong,” or is that something you know your parents believe and you don’t want to upset them? I would suggest doing some soul-searching about why you think it’s wrong. If it’s because you have a religion that says premarital sex is wrong, then… well, probably actually having sex before marriage is the bigger “sin” than sharing an address. And if you’re already having sex, what difference does it make if you live together? That said, moving in with a significant other “because of your situations” is not a great reason to shack up.
There are other ways to address your “situation” that don’t involve moving your relationship to a step neither of you is ready for. (Check this list to see how ready you are to move in with someone). One thing each of you could do is get different roommates. You could kick out your current roommate and find another friend, friend of a friend, or well-vetted person online to move in with you — someone who has a job and can pay her bills on time. And your boyfriend could stop giving all his money to the family he’s staying with and find someone who has an apartment and needs a roommie. This isn’t really that hard. You’re both 22 — technically adults. Find roommates who don’t take advantage of you and don’t compromise the status of your relationship.
From the forums:
Good enough for what? Good enough to be treated decently? I would be more offended that he has no interest in introducing you to his family than that he won’t buy a ticket for your cousin to come stay with you for three weeks. And why do you need someone staying with you? You’re a grown adult, right? Do you have physical or mental issues that require aid? If not, there’s no reason a grown adult can’t live on her own for three weeks. But that’s not what this is really about. This is about your not feeling loved by your husband and that’s what you need to address when you sit down and talk with him about the state of your marriage. Tell him how much it hurts that he’d rather spend money on gifts for his family instead of a plane ticket to fly you with him to meet them. Ask whether he truly sees you as a wife, or simply as a roommate whom he expects to be contributing her equal share of the household expenses. Because in a longterm marriage there will be times when one person contributes more financially, and, if he’s keeping score and is penalizing you for your lower financial household contribution, that’s not really a marriage. At any rate, it sounds like you would benefit from some couples counseling and should consider a trial separation down the line if things don’t improve.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.