It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss contacting old loves on Facebook, asking a significant other not to be friends with someone, and whether 22 is too young to know it’s real love.
I was madly in love with someone about 40 years ago (yes, 40 years ago). I started writing a book about it and of course started thinking about him. Every now and then I would type his name into the computer and didn’t get a thing. Recently, I joined Facebook and lo and behold there he was. I did a little research on him and found out he has been married twice with two children in each marriage. He was married the first time when he was in his twenties. This was a guy I never figured would get divorced. I am starting to have these feelings for him all over again. Should I contact him just to say hello? — 40 Year Itch
If he’s still married to the second wife, don’t contact him. Even if he’s divorced and doesn’t appear to currently be in a relationship, contact him only with the understanding that 40 years have passed and, depending on the circumstances of your mutual history, he may not even remember you, let alone welcome a message from you. Keep in mind, too, that sometimes the memory of who we used to know is much sweeter the the reality of who we no longer do.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to a year. Everything’s been going well and we’ve even started talking about a future with marriage and kids. But his friend, John, has been causing me concern. At 27 years old, John was recently released from a three month jail term for drug possession. He has struggled with drug and alcohol abuse since he was a teenager, and I do not see any signs of him changing. My boyfriend and I do not live together, but it makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when I hear John’s hanging out at my boyfriend’s apartment. John even sleeps on my boyfriend’s couch sometimes, which I find it unnecessary and a little ridiculous since he lives with his parents and has a place to go. I just know that people with addiction problems can hurt others even when they don’t mean to. Should I put my foot down with my boyfriend and ask him to lessen or stop contact with John? Or should I accept that my boyfriend has his own apartment and his own friends, and it’s none of my business? — Leery of His Friend
You cannot tell a grown man — especially one you don’t even live with — whom he can or cannot be friends with. If you’re going to marry the man, you better start trusting his judgment in people and accept that he knows what’s best for him and has enough sense to stay away from what’s not.
I am twenty-two and seem to have found a guy (who is twenty-one) I can see myself spending a lot of time with. I am not saying I will marry him, but he definitely possesses exactly what I want in a significant other. The thing is, I don’t have the quantity to back up my evidence. I have only dated a few insignificant men previously, and thus I feel like I don’t have the research, so to speak, to profess that this guy is exactly right for me. I’ve been with him for a very long time, and we work quite well, so this is not about someone new. What is your opinion on age and finding someone who is right for you (whether it is for the rest of your life, or at least for a long term relationship)? — Loyal reader in Canada
It really doesn’t matter how young you are or how little dating experience you have, if you’ve found someone whose company you enjoy and who makes you feel good, enjoy your time with him! Life’s hard enough without second guessing the things that are easy and that work. If what you want is a sign you’re making the right choice, your own happiness should be enough confirmation.
I am 24 and have been with my fiancé for three years. We used to have a really good relationship. Since he joined the navy he has been a different person; he lies about where he goes and who he is with and he goes out getting very drunk and has been getting into financial difficulty. While he’s been away on deployment I’ve started setting up our first home, for which he’s given me no money. He also seems to have lots of girls adding him as friends on social network sites. When he’s home, he checks my phone and gets jealous when male co-workers speak to me when we’re out together. I ended our relationship as he lied to me about cheating. He didn’t use protection and tried to tell me he caught this infection by sitting on a dirty loo. He finally admitted to me that he cheated but said it wasn’t his fault as he was drunk and a prostitute threw herself at him! I have since found he has been paying for sex on the internet and for prostitutes whilst he has been away. He is begging me to take him back but how can I when I feel everything we had was a lie? I’ve lost everything I thought I had. I have no idea who he is anymore. I’m so confused, what do I do? — IndieNurse
MOA!! This guy is bad, bad news. Move on, don’t look back and let time — and perhaps even a little therapy — heal your broken heart.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
ReginaRey April 8, 2011, 9:12 am
LW#2 – My boyfriend is friends with someone who from a very young age (he’s only about 22 now!) struggled with drug addiction – heroin, to be specific. I don’t know much about his background, only that he came from a family that also had a history of drug addiction, as well, and therefore recieved very little support. Currently, this guy is “on the run” from the law in a state half way across the country, because he was apparently dealing drugs and was close to being arrested. Last my boyfriend heard, the guy was “laying low” in this new city…and homeless!
Even though they met in high school, before the drug addiction began, it blows my mind that my boyfriend even KNOWS someone like that…he’s so law-abiding and normal, and has never done drugs! Point is, even though my boyfriend only saw this guy a few times a year, at the most, I was VERY uncomfortable with it. But did I ever think this friend could sway my boyfriend at all? No. Did I think that in any way this guy would have a bad influence on him? No. I trust my boyfriend, and his history of being a stand-up guy gives me the confidence that no matter what is going on around him, he has the ability to know right from wrong. Trust your boyfriend. Doubting his ability to avoid being dragged down with his friend could damage your relationship.
LW#4 – If your boyfriend has a history of cheating on you, you MOA. If he is PAYING FOR SEX, you MOA…and get yourself tested. Your boyfriend is not Charlie Sheen.
MissDre April 8, 2011, 9:24 am
Is it even possible to get an infection from a toilet seat?? I mean, I know weird things happen all the time and I’m not a medical expert, but I always thought that myth fit into the same category as “you can’t get pregnant if you do it standing up!” It’s all BS!
BoomChakaLaka April 8, 2011, 9:34 am
I am still chuckling at that line. Of all things a guy could say, that’s probably one of the craziest I’ve heard.
Crazymary April 8, 2011, 10:01 am
Reminds me of the “tractor story” from Seinfeld years ago… LOL.
Jessica April 8, 2011, 10:21 am
omg.. this reminds me. I went for a pap test a year ago, and the doctor (she looked almost 70) told me that to prevent STI’s i shouldn’t sit directly on public toilet seats.
i couldnt believe it.
NolaGirl April 8, 2011, 10:39 am
I dunno, maybe it’s possible to get something bacterial. It seems highly unlikely. I mean I’m sure it’s POSSIBLE, but I think you might have to try. It’s never been something I’m terribly worried about. I’m probably as likely to get struck by lightening as to get something from a toilet seat!
maynard April 8, 2011, 10:54 am
I’ve heard (which obviously may be complete bullshit) that there is a TINY TINY TINY possibility of picking something up from a toilet seat but I agree that you kind of have to TRY and the even then the odds are slim. I know if I sit on a toilet seat I don’t, you know, rub all over it.
NolaGirl April 8, 2011, 11:18 am
hah! I was thinking the same thing. You’d have to like rub yourself onto a dirty toilet seat or something!
Elle April 8, 2011, 11:04 am
it looks like all you can catch from a toilet seat is… glue. This must have been so awful: http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/04/06/maryland.toilet.prank
I also heard a story that a woman sued a hotel, because her daughter got pregnant from, get this: swimming in the pool!!!
ReginaRey April 8, 2011, 11:05 am
I will read the story for sure, but I have to call BS about getting pregnant from a POOL. Since when can sperm survive a chlorine bath?
ReginaRey April 8, 2011, 11:08 am
…or magically swim through water and up and into your ladyparts?! This reminds me of how I thought women got pregnant when I was 7…you roll around, and then something travels across the bed from the daddy to the mommy and poof! Baby!
MissDre April 8, 2011, 11:16 am
LOL I just watched Glee for the first time not too long ago… and that retarded blonde girl told her bf that her baby was his, even though they had never had sex, because he accidentally came while they were kissing in a hot tub and the sperm swam into her under the water… And he believed her!!!
Elle April 8, 2011, 11:18 am
I think the 13 year-old has MAD BS skills, if her mother, who knows how babies are made, believes her.
About how babies are made – I completely believed in the stork. My dad would provide ample details, and up until I was about 11 or 12 (late, I know), I thought my mom found me in the pantry (which was outside, on the balcony), in between potatoes and onions.
Idea for Wendy: maybe a post where we can all share our misconceptions about how babies are made?
slamy April 8, 2011, 11:22 am
When I was 5 or 6 and in Kindergarten, I came home from school and announced that I had kissed Christopher Turney at naptime.
My mom told me that you get pregnant by kissing!
Then, another time, in sixth grade, I was seen holding a boys hand, and my mom told me that you get pregnant from holding hands.
MissDre April 8, 2011, 11:25 am
I don’t think it’s right to lie to kids about how babies are made… that just fills their minds with confusion. I don’t ever remember a time where I DIDNT know where babies came from… I had this children’s book called “Where Did I Come From?” with the most hilarious drawings.
Valkyrie April 8, 2011, 1:33 pm
I had that book too, the drawing were priceless! I remember thinking, ewww, I’m NEVER going to do THAT!
MissDre April 8, 2011, 4:38 pm
All I can remember is the drawing of mommy and daddy getting into the tub together…. hahahaha!
Jessica April 8, 2011, 11:57 am
bahahahaha.. omg omg omg.. i died. thats hilarious. in between potatoes and onions. amazing.
thyme April 8, 2011, 6:07 pm
My mom never lied, but she was vague.
When I was 6, I thought you got pregnant automatically when you got married, until my friend told me that you don’t have to be married, because her mom was not married when she had her. I asked my mom about it how you get pregnant, because I was worried that I could get pregnant. She said, “Don’t worry, you get to choose when.” So I closed my eyes and prayed every day: “God, I don’t want to have a baby. Please don’t make me pregnant!”
_jsw_ April 8, 2011, 9:28 am
LW#1: I agree with Wendy about not contacting him if he’s still married, but if not, I doubt he’s going to be bothered by being approached on Facebook. True, he might not remember you as well as you remember him, but find it unlikely he’d be all that upset, and he obviously can refuse to friend you if so. However, I think you should absolutely note Wendy’s warning that forty years is more than enough time for someone to change considerably. The man you loved might not have existed for decades.
LW#3: I recently bought a lottery ticket, one of only a few I’ve ever purchased, and I won $10 million*. Should I take the money or, instead, throw it away and try buying more tickets, because I’ve heard you can win a lot more than that? If you are lucky enough not to have to date a bunch of people who aren’t right for you and thus get your heart broken and/or break hearts on your path to happiness, accept your good fortune… and our jealousy.
* Sadly, not actually true.
_jsw_ April 8, 2011, 9:45 am
To clarify my comment (since, right now, the “Edit” option doesn’t appear for me):
I’m not suggesting that LW#3 marry the guy and never look back; I’m just saying that if she’s happy and he’s happy, they should see where it goes instead of her breaking up with him on the off chance that maybe another relationship might be better. There will always be better potential relationships out there, but the goal shouldn’t be to find the best possible one, because that’s a fool’s errand. The goal should be to find one that makes you happy enough not to look for others. So if the LW is only thinking she should look because she’s not sure if she should accept being happy with him, I think she should stay and enjoy what she has. If she doesn’t truly feel happy with him, then, yes, she should move on. But happy is like hungry. You know when you are. Doesn’t matter if you “should” be… you just are or you’re not.
PFG-SCR April 8, 2011, 11:41 am
While I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said in theory, I notice that LW3 never said that she’s in love with him. She really gives no indication of any intensity of feelings for him at all, but instead says, “…we work quite well.” Sounds more like it’s a comfortable and safe relationship instead of an “I love him, I can’t keep my hands off of him, and I can’t imagine my life without him” situation that you would expect at that age/point in the relationship. If it’s the latter, I think she should stay with him, but if it’s the former (which I suspect), she should MOA and find someone that she feels that way about.
maynard April 8, 2011, 12:52 pm
Good point. The letter was a little… clinical?
anna728 April 8, 2011, 4:51 pm
Maybe that’s just how she speaks/writes?
EscapeHatch April 8, 2011, 4:14 pm
LW #1 also never clarifies if she is married, either. Facebook trysts are dangerous territory.
Interesting, related, Huffington Post article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/therese-borchard/does-the-internet-promote_b_841401.html
HolsteinHoney April 8, 2011, 9:31 am
LW#3 — I am in a similar spot as you, and have totally felt the same way so don’t think you are the only one! I am almost, almost 21 (whoooo!) and the guy I am with now has all the qualities that I want in a life partner. Before this I was in a 2 year relationship in highschool… which was a good experience but I knew I was never going to end up with him. I also dated around for like a year before meeting my current boyfriend. So I don’t have a lot of experience.
The reactions I have gotten from other people definitely has made me wonder if I am capable of knowing if this is a person who I could spend the rest of my life with. Some people just gush about how perfect we are for each other and how we are definitely going to get married. Then like 3 days later these same people are handing out warnings that I am really too young to be so committed and that I can’t know what I need in my life. So, I think Wendy’s advice is spot-on. Get a good idea of what your future non-negotiables are, and if he fits those AND makes you extremely happy then continue on!
AnitaBath April 8, 2011, 9:49 am
Prostitutes don’t throw themselves at you. Um, you kind of have to pay for them?
_jsw_ April 8, 2011, 9:58 am
You could, of course, pay them to throw themselves at you.
demoiselle April 8, 2011, 10:20 am
They may throw themselves at you, but that’s all part of the hard sell. It’s the guy’s responsibility and his fault that he cheated. How can anyone believe otherwise?
maynard April 8, 2011, 10:56 am
Maybe she gave him a free beej to start to get him hooked 😉
maynard April 8, 2011, 10:56 am
Also I feel like Miles would have had a good response to that one.
SGMcG April 8, 2011, 10:37 am
LW#4 – Not only MOA – but stop referring him as your fiancé! He lost all rights to that title when he cheated on you. While you’re at it, check the paperwork on that “first home” you started – make sure his name is not on the deed!
sarita_f April 8, 2011, 11:14 am
“Life’s hard enough without second guessing the things that are easy and that work.”
Skyblossom April 8, 2011, 11:18 am
40 year itch – After 40 years most or all of what you feel for this man is fantasy as in it’s based entirely on what’s in your head and nothing at all on any day-to-day interaction with this man. You do say you fell madly in love with him about 40 years ago but don’t say that your feelings were reciprocated. As Wendy said, don’t contact him if he’s married and even if he isn’t, the fantasy in your head is probably better than the reality (who left wet towels on the bathroom floor, why haven’t you paid this bill, why do your kids hate me type of thing) so don’t expect too much even if you do contact him and even if you do meet him and even if you do date. That’s a lot of ifs and every one of them can crash the fantasy with plain old reality.
Skyblossom April 8, 2011, 11:24 am
Loyal Reader – The great thing about your situation is that you don’t need to know now whether it will last a lifetime. You’re both young and can give yourselves the years necessary to see if you are life partners. Enjoy your time together and if no red flags appear in the coming years and you are still crazy in love and still compatible then at some point in your upper 20s or younger 30s know that you’ve found the one for you and marry without reservation. Remember that quantity doesn’t equal quality and if you’ve been picky in who you date you don’t need to date so many guys to find a great one. You may be one of the lucky women who find a great guy sooner rather than later.
TheGirl April 8, 2011, 11:37 am
I found my hubby when I was 21! We didn’t get married right away or anything, but we’re still together after…uh.. lets just say its been a long time…
Skyblossom April 8, 2011, 11:46 am
I was 22 when I met my husband and I knew that he was someone I could possibly marry after only a few weeks but I was also absolutely certain that I would never marry anyone until I knew them for years. We both knew that things can be wonderful and then fall apart. We had so much fun in the years we had together before we were married, even during the year we had a long distance relationship before marriage. Those years were a pleasure I wouldn’t trade for anything and I’m so glad that we were lucky enough to have them. I think that time helped us build a strong foundation for our marriage.
TheGirl April 8, 2011, 11:52 am
Totally! I think sometimes people romanticize dating. Yes, first kisses and new love are awesome, but they also come with a lot of stress, pain and heartache. If you’ve found someone you can love and see yourself with for the long haul, why on earth would you give it up just because someone else tries to tell you you’re too young? It sounds like LW#3 has a good head on her shoulders and is being realistic about it – she should just take it slow and enjoy it for what it is!
HmC April 8, 2011, 12:33 pm
I think your story illustrates an important point- that spending plenty of time being in a relationship prior to marrying them has its own intrinsic value other than just evaluating someone for marriage, so to speak. I think that just being with someone without marriage pressure, even if you have a pretty good idea you will eventually marry, is fun and healthy and lays a foundation for having an actual happy marriage, not just a marriage.
I don’t know, of course everyone’s lives and relationships are different. But no matter what age you are or how sure you are about someone, I think there’s hardly ever a drawback to giving each other at least a year to enjoy what you’ve found before you put a ring on it!
Skyblossom April 8, 2011, 5:50 pm
I couldn’t agree more! I love that you said an actual happy marriage rather than just a marriage. Not that we haven’t had down times but that strong relationship we built has certainly helped to carry us through. I think it makes you care enough to make the effort when things are down.
HmC April 8, 2011, 7:13 pm
Right. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having marriage as an end goal, but if that’s the case shouldn’t the overarching end goal be to be *happily* married? This is an element that people seem to miss when they rush things too much because it just “feels right”. You can’t really go backwards in a relationship, and you don’t want you or your partner to ever look back and think you didn’t take the time to build a solid enough foundation. What are you so afraid of that you need to rush? If it’s right, it will be even more right in a year. Ok rant over. 🙂
Skyblossom April 8, 2011, 11:39 am
IndieNurse – If you feel this way at the end of three years can you imagine how you would feel if you were married, or had children or spent your life with him. Unless you want to spend your life feeling like you do now, or worse, run from this guy and the life he offers. Can you imagine marrying a man you can’t trust, respect or depend on? Someday you’ll look back at this time and be thankful that you escaped before marriage and children and shared property. RUN.
sarita_f April 8, 2011, 12:26 pm
LW #4 – I just read this in Dear Prudie this week and feel it’s appropriate for you, too.
“… you’ve found out that your “kind, sweet” boyfriend is a devious, judgmental, manipulative liar. Often the real creeps wait until you’re good and in—when you’re in love, living together, or even married—to reveal the fetid swamp of their inner life. ”
AKchic April 8, 2011, 3:06 pm
LW #4 – I think I’m going to get a bit of flak here, and I have already put on my flame-repelling suit just in case.
I am going to tell you to move on, but, I am also going to question a few things. You said he was in the navy. He was perfect until he joined up. Did the behavior start after he deployed? Where was he deployed to? A combat zone?
I am not giving him a free pass here (far from it), but, to me, some of these things stand out to me and are screaming that there might be an issue that needs looking in to. Heavy drinking can be a way to mask symptoms of PTSD and depression. Unfortunately, drinking actually makes many PTSD symptoms worse. The flashbacks and nightmares are worse, the drinking just makes you black out and not remember it later sometimes.
Having casual sex with random or even paid women to take his mind off of his problems is another signal to me that he could be suffering from PTSD or depression. People will have sex because orgasm releases chemicals in the brain to make one feel happy and euphoric. It is a temporary measure to help relieve the negative feelings.
The jealousy and checking of your phone and paranoia that YOU are cheating is because of HIS guilty conscience because he is cheating. It’s guilt transferrence. Trying to justify his own actions by trying to prove you’re doing it too so it’s okay for him to do it.
Again, I am not giving him a free pass, nor am I saying what he did was right. I am just giving a bit of perspective on this, coming from a background in the military, mental health, substance abuse, and all sorts of “darker side of life” issues.
What needs to be done is someone needs to contact his commanding officer to report his excessive drinking. Sleeping around and paying for prostitutes isn’t a crime in all countries. Excessive drinking though, that is an issue of morale and safety. The commanding officer can order this guy to get an evaluation done and then it will be determined whether or not he needs to participate in an alcohol treatment program. The military has been working hard to change the way they respond to alcoholism within its ranks. Too many cases of domestic violence, murder and suicide.
Either way, you need to walk away and give yourself time to heal and recoup from the mental trauma you’ve been dealing with. If he gets help and changes for the better, maybe there is a future. Don’t go back to him unless you have proof that he has changed for the better.
anna728 April 8, 2011, 4:59 pm
I don’t think the Navy is engaged in combat anywhere right now- the wars we’re in are in desserts. He probably paints ships, repairs things, and patrols. He’s definitely not an infantryman in Baghdad just because that’s not what his branch of the military does.
anna728 April 8, 2011, 5:00 pm
Maracuya April 8, 2011, 5:13 pm
Not true. A little less than 10,000 are deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan. She probably would’ve mentioned that in the letter though (maybe).
Chaotonic April 8, 2011, 6:37 pm
The Navy is engaged in combat in many places, including Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya currently. Also Iraq borders a very large body of water and before troops ever set foot on the ground the Navy was firing their missiles. He could also have been a riverine which is a lot like the SEALS (also Navy) and thats where they get on these itty bitty boats and go up and down the rivers and what not with a shit load of weaponry. Or maybe he was SPEC OPS and jumping out of airplanes. The Navy is a very diversified part of military. We have more airplanes and helos than the Airforce, and we train with the Army whenever we have to ship people to combat.
Kat April 8, 2011, 4:05 pm
I hate it when those drunk prostitutes jump on my man’s junk and make him sex them for money.
MissDre April 8, 2011, 4:41 pm
Betsy April 8, 2011, 4:30 pm
I mean no offense to anyone in the service, but I have heard way too many stories about horrible Navy boyfriends. Maybe it’s from being stuck on a boat for such long periods of time, and they feel the need to hit every extreme while they on land? Or maybe it is from being in such an isolated and masculine environment that warps their perspective on what they need or deserve? Either way, I think I’ll pass…
Maracuya April 8, 2011, 5:22 pm
“No offense, but let me make negative generalizations about an entire group.” No doubt there’re a lot of sailors that make very poor dating material but that doesn’t apply to everyone.
Chaotonic April 8, 2011, 6:29 pm
Being in the Navy for the past five years and still currently enlisted I have seen a lot of sailors act like this especially when they’re young and dumb. When you’re out to sea for months and you finally hit port with that big fat pay check you can’t help but hit the streets looking for a great time. And 85% of the time the moment you walk off the base or pier or whatever there’s only going to be bars and fast food joints for a mile or so. I’ve spent a majority of my liberty time at bars and once you start drinking the prostitutes and hookers do throw themselves at you, they’ll come and sit in your lap the moment you sit down. And the saddest part about this is the fact most of these women are trafficked from other countries, kidnapped, or enslaved and are being forced to do this. Especially in countries such a Bahrain they’re imported from places such as thailand and are told if they don’t make 4 grand they’ll never be set free. In one bar and grill I went to these girls weren’t allowed to leave the second floor unless they had a customer, it’s extremely heart breaking.
Also I’m not making excuses for the dude, he totally needs an ass whipping and if I were you LW4 I would print off the info of him going online and paying for sex and walk it up to his chief or first class. Thats a punishable offense underneath the UCMJ, and I’m not saying do it as revenge do it because its the right thing to do. The Navy already has a bad rep without this man being a jerk off.
RoyalEagle0408 April 10, 2011, 6:23 pm
What Maracuya said.
anna728 April 8, 2011, 4:46 pm
As for the first one, it would be a really sweet story IF they did reconnect, though that’s probably a long shot.
The second one made no sense to me. I don’t think a guy sounds so terrible just because of drug possession, especially if it was just weed. That’s not really the biggest deal as crimes go. Anyway, I have a huge problem with one person in a relationship forbidding the other to see someone. I just don’t think you have the right to do that. It’s not even like this is an ex-girlfriend or something, it’s just his guy friend. If they were already friends I don’t think he’s going to have a bad influence on him or anything. If it were your own place, you could say you don’t want him there, but it’s not.
SpyGlassez April 8, 2011, 5:07 pm
The first story just reminds me of a situation in my family. About three years ago, I had a MySpace (why? I don’t know!). A complete stranger sent me a message that just had my mom’s name in the message line and “If you know ‘Mary Smith’ please tell her Wayne wanted to say hi” as the message. He also included his personal information – name, email, phone number, etc. Now, I have an unusual last name, but a common first name and I am NOT the only person with my name. So I don’t know if he sent this message to anyone with my name, or what….but I was a little weirded out about this, so I asked my mom. She laughed about it, told me this guy was someone she had dated in high school, and said she really didn’t care to have the info about him. I deleted the message and later the MySpace account.
About 3 months ago, the same guy sent me a FB message. He asked for Mom’s FB if she had one, asked me to pass on his information, etc. This time, when I told Mom about it, she chuckled and told me she had no interest in communicating with him at all. She isn’t bitter, she doesn’t dislike him….but it has been over thirty years and she sees no reason to reconnect with him. I messaged him back, told him she didn’t have a FB and that she doesn’t like using the computer (which is true; we’ve only recently begun to convert her to the joys of texting). Hopefully he’ll abandon the pursuit now. Frankly, we all just think he was a little silly for trying to reconnect with her after all this time.