Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Should I Email the Newswoman I Have a Crush On?”

From the forums:

I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous, but please hear me out. I have a crush on this new anchorwoman on one of the local news stations where I live. I think she’s very pretty, but I also think she seems like an extremely nice person. I really enjoy meeting new people and making new friends, but it’s been difficult for me to meet nice girls in the area because I don’t enjoy going out to the bars much and am not much of a party person if that makes sense. I also don’t do online dating or use any dating apps. I thought it would be cool to be able to meet her and maybe get to know her.

I’m in my late 20s and I would guess she’s about the same age as me judging from her looks. How weird would it be to send her an email about this? The news website has her email info listed on it and that is the only contact information that I would have. To me, I think it would be really weird, but I’m tired of not taking chances on girls I’m attracted to (not just looks, but personality, too). I’m kind of picky when it comes to women, but, I’m telling you, this girl seems like one in a million to me. I don’t think there would ever really be any chance that we would meet in person. I also don’t know if she’s single, but she doesn’t wear a ring so I guess there’s a chance.

Anyway, I know this post probably sounds weird and ridiculous, but I just wanted to see if there’s an off chance that anyone thinks this could ever work out. Any advice is appreciated. I appreciate honesty, but if you could please not absolutely tear me to pieces and tell me how terrible a person I am, that would be great! If you say it would be weird, I will totally get it and not email her. Thanks in advance! — Tired of Not Taking Chances

Ok, first, this person you’re talking about is a woman, not a “girl.” She’s a professional who looks to be in her late 20s. She’s a grown woman. Second, no, don’t email her to tell her you think she’s very pretty, seems like an extremely nice person, and you’re interested in meeting her. It will creep her out. Don’t be a creep.

Look, I don’t think you sound like a “terrible person” at all, but I do think you probably have some questionable ideas about women and dating. The fact that you are in your late 20s, you say you are “picky when it comes to women,” that you like meeting new people but it’s difficult for you to meet nice “girls” because you don’t enjoy going to bars and parties (as if those are the only places to meet women), and won’t try online dating, and that you have convinced yourself that some woman on TV is one in a million because she’s pretty and seems nice (it’s her job to seem nice, fyi) are all red flags to me. They suggest that, at best, you are inexperienced and naive and fear rejection to the point that you refuse to pursue anyone whose rejection of you may sting, and, at worst, you are kind of entitled and maybe a little misogynistic.

Why do I say misogynistic? It’s the “picky” line that sticks out to me — that’s usually code for “I don’t like most women,” which… you know, misogynistic. And I say entitled because you want a girlfriend, or at least a date, but have no ambition or desire or interest to do the bare fucking minimum to meet/approach/pursue someone who might be available to you and you are not willing to risk real rejection. That’s entitlement. And it’s not going to work for you. It hasn’t worked for you. It won’t work for you. Emailing some woman on TV you think is pretty and seems nice is definitely not going to work for you.

You know what WILL work for you? Going where there are women available and potentially interested in meeting and dating men. That includes dating apps. (And, hey, if you can email a stranger you think looks pretty and seems nice, you’re a great candidate for online dating!) That includes parties you might get invited to. (Even if you don’t like going to parties, just go, because you know what you probably like even less than parties? Not ever having a date ever.) That includes clubs, activities, and organizations of interest to you (a running club, a political club, a book club, crossfit, freakin’ bird watching, I don’t know). Are you religious? Could you be? Go to church (or temple or whatever). Lots of single people go to church. And some of them are even nice.

Is there time in your life for a part-time job somewhere sort of social – a coffee shop, for example? Taking on a part-time job would expand your circle of acquaintances (some of whom could be potential dates and some who could introduce you to a potential date) and get you lots of face time with the public. (And you know who is part of the public? Single, available women, some of whom might smile at you in the way that a single, available woman who is interested in you might smile. I would not suggest hitting on or asking out a customer, but, at the very least, talking with them gives you a little practice, and should you meet outside of work, you already have a common thread between you and an icebreaker to start a conversation.)

So, in closing: don’t message the news anchorwoman. That does not substitute for genuine effort. Make a genuine effort – step outta your comfort zone, do things that have genuine risk potential, put your ego on the line a little bit, stop being “tired of not taking chances,” and take a fucking chance (but, like, on someone you actually have a chance with, in a way that isn’t creepy, so no fan emails to TV personalities). And stop calling grown women girls.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

26 comments… add one
  • Pheebers

    Phoebe January 8, 2019, 10:34 am

    After I read the response, the only thing that popped into my head was:

    — slow clap with standing ovation —

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  • Copa

    Copa January 8, 2019, 11:03 am

    Omg. Don’t email her. It’ll be weird, and you’ll seem creepy. It’s also a little weird that you consider yourself attracted to her personality when you don’t even KNOW her personality — you only know her TV persona.

    I was also less into the bar/party scene by my late 20s. That’s when I started using online dating, but I still met guys going about my daily life. I’ve gone out with guys I’ve met through friends, my gym, while out walking my dog, and even public transit. (Actually, I think if I tallied, the number of guys I’ve met on public transit would be the highest. Ha!)

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  • avatar

    Carolina Blue January 8, 2019, 11:08 am

    Please don’t contact this woman. My mom works at a local TV station and creepy stalkers contacting talent is a big problem.
    I agree with Wendy about getting out there. It’s hard at first but worth it. As for dating apps try ones that aren’t swipe heavy.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie January 8, 2019, 11:09 am

    Agreed. The “I’m picky but this person I don’t know at all seems perfect”… oy. Dude, she’s on TV. TV isn’t real. Even the news. It’s sanitized, scripted and she may not be as nice, personable and intelligent as she appears on TV.

    The truth is, she’s in your TV every day but you don’t know her.

    And yes, if you were to email her and tell her you’d like to take her on a date, it would be super duper creepy. It’s not flattering, it’s really not. It’s someone making assumptions about you and almost akin to picking you out of a catalog.

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  • avatar

    Northern Star January 8, 2019, 11:10 am

    LW, I don’t have much sympathy for your plight. You don’t go anywhere or do anything. A nice woman isn’t going to drop out of the sky (or airwaves) into your living room.

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    • Copa

      Copa January 8, 2019, 11:18 am

      Yeah, I was gonna add: LW, you should probably get out there and get involved with a couple activities, not just because they increase your likelihood of meeting someone you realistically have a shot at going on a date with, but also because it will make you a more interesting date. If I went out with a guy who didn’t do anything or go anywhere — who just sat at home watching TV when he wasn’t out with me — I’d probably not find him very interesting or want to date him.

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      • avatar

        JD January 8, 2019, 11:40 am

        Agree. Also just because you don’t “like bars” doesn’t mean if a friend invites you out, you can’t go once in a while. One, because socializing isn’t just about YOUR wants and also because a lot of people do go to bars. A bar doesn’t equal a drunk, plenty of people go just because it is a common place for socializing, especially with people you don’t know.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster January 8, 2019, 11:10 am

    Alllll of what Wendy said. This advice is spot on! In addition, you are not actually attracted to this woman’s personality because you don’t know her at all; you’re attracted to a caricature of her that you’ve created in your head. Keep in mind that women are PEOPLE, just like you. Treat them as such and I think you’ll start to understand why you’ve been unlucky with dating up to this point.

    When my ex was doing his rotations during med school, he’d often refer to the women in his program as “this girl.” Eventually, I got fed up and I said, “Stop referring to the women in your program as girls. They’re professional adult women in medical school who got there by working their asses off just like you.” He had the nerve to look shocked, but he never called them girls again- at least around me.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph January 8, 2019, 11:31 am

    I will say its not unusual to have a crush on a TV personality, just like people do on other celebrities. But its just a crush, not the foundation of a real relationship, because you don’t know her at all. Plenty of celebrities are huge jerks when nobody is watching and then turn on the charm for the camera. It’s literally their job.

    I also agree that if you want a date you need to get out there. It’s hard in your mid to late twenties to adjust from the college culture where you’re surrounded with other single, interesting people in your age group to the real world where making friends and finding love interests is a lot harder. But nobody ever found love by sitting home on their couch (except via internet dating– but even then you have to leave the house sometime).

    Definitely go to a party if you’re invited, do things that interest you, and meet the people there. Don’t discount people (men or women) because you aren’t interested in THEM because they have friends and you might be interested in one of those friends. I met my husband that way. I went to a party even though I hate parties, and there I met a guy who I would never in a million years date but he was looking for women for his co-ed softball team. I joined his co-ed softball team and on the team met my future husband. We don’t even play softball anymore, because we didn’t really go for the softball– we were both putting ourselves out there to meet people and look how it worked out.

    And finally, saying you’re picky about women smacks of “I’m a 5 at best, but I only date 8’s and above.” So maybe take a good long look in the mirror– and more importantly, into the mirror of your soul, because a guy can look like a 10 but if he has the personality of a 1, he’s a 5 at best– and think about whether you’re being unreasonable.

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    • avatar

      keyblade January 8, 2019, 12:43 pm

      “I will say its not unusual to have a crush on a TV personality, just like people do on other celebrities.”

      I agree and completely relate with being star-struck by certain celebrities. But women tend to be more (justifiably) scared of men than the other way around and the fact that she is local one probably makes her especially cautious about a fan writing to ask her out on a date.
      I don’t think it would be that unusual, but it’s unlikely anything good would come of it.

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  • avatar

    Ele4phant January 8, 2019, 11:33 am

    “Don’t tear me to pieces” = I know I’m way off base here but I don’t want to be called on it.

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    • Guy Friday

      Guy Friday January 8, 2019, 1:53 pm

      I mean, I didn’t read it as THAT. I read it as “I know the obvious answer is ‘You’ve got to be f–ing kidding me, dude.’, but is that common sense telling me that or self-defeatism?”

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      • avatar

        ele4phant January 8, 2019, 2:18 pm

        Meh, maybe. If that were the case though, why not say that then?

        “I’m 99.9% sure the answer is leave this woman alone, but is there any chance my self-defeatism is telling me this and maybe this is worth a shot?”

        Maybe I’m too harsh, but after two decades of dealing with men of all stripes’ entitlement to my (and other women’s) attention and then dealing with their pissy-ness when they get rejected, I’m pretty jaded here.

        Perhaps I shouldn’t be punishing some men for the sin of others, but I don’t really have any interest in tip-toeing around the insecurities of men – treating them and their disillusions with kid gloves – when plenty of men had had no problem disregarding my feelings and lack of interest when it came in conflict with what they wanted out of me.

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  • avatar

    Essie January 8, 2019, 11:42 am

    I’m continually amazed at how people seem to see women they wish to date as some sort of special, mystical, magical creature that can only be found in certain places (bars, dating apps, parties), and that you must know the special, magic words to speak to them.

    LW, the world is full of single women. They’re all around you. At work, school, on the city bus, in the stores you shop in, at church. They’re friends of your friends. They’re gaming, if you’re into that. They’re volunteering on political campaigns or on a local Habitat project.

    Dating isn’t very different at all from making friends. In fact, I’d say, it’s a prerequisite. If you don’t know how to make friends, you’re going to have trouble with dating. If you’re so introverted that you prefer not to leave your house and don’t like to interact with people, you’re probably not going to have a girlfriend.

    Get out in the world and get comfortable interacting with others -both men and women. If you don’t like bars or parties, don’t go to them. Do things you *do* like to do. Got a hobby? Join a club or go to a meetup. Interested in politics? Volunteer with a campaign or a political group. Like animals? Volunteer at your local ASPCA.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse January 8, 2019, 12:28 pm

    LW, this is actually a very sad post. You have feelings for a fantasy woman, who was in hair and makeup for two hours and dressed by a stylist before she stepped on set. Literally a persona on TV. Her job is to be nice and seem likable and friendly.

    You ask if this could ever work. No, it couldn’t because she is a fantasy and life isn’t a rom-com in which successful, beautiful women get dropped in your lap because you expressed interest fairly anonymously.

    Meeting someone, dating and having friends takes work. Sometimes that work involves going to meetup events that you are interested in. Or volunteering or helping a friend move. Or even using dating apps because that’s an easy way to know if other eligible and single woman are also interested in dating.
    Putting in zero effort (other than an email) is not going to wow anyone.

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    • Guy Friday

      Guy Friday January 8, 2019, 1:59 pm

      You have feelings for a fantasy woman, who was in hair and makeup for two hours and dressed by a stylist before she stepped on set.

      This. Very much this. I don’t think guys (and I include myself in this, honestly) really fully grasp just HOW DIFFERENT someone can look without makeup/styling vs. with it because the vast majority of us don’t actually wear it. I mean, I’m used to my wife, my sister-in-laws, my sister, etc. not wearing anything on their faces because I see them often enough without it, but when I have female friends who’ll post those “before and after” pics when trying new makeup it’s always a little eye-opening for me.

      But, LW, the reality is that you’re falling for a construct, not a real person. The trick isn’t loving someone when they’re perfect; it’s loving someone when everything in their life is going wrong. If they’ll still kiss you when you’ve been throwing up all day from a stomach bug, THAT is someone you’ve got to put a ring on 🙂

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  • avatar

    anonymousse January 8, 2019, 2:27 pm

    Another point to consider- attractive women get a lot of attention from men, and a lot of that attention is unwanted. And for women in the media, I’m sure it’s exponentially more. Most women get exhausted by it. There is no way for you to word an email that helps her see you aren’t a creep.

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    • avatar

      Essie January 8, 2019, 3:19 pm

      I’d also argue that it’s *never* appropriate to hit on a woman via her work e-mail. She uses that address for professional purposes. It’s for story ideas, comments on stories she’s done, questions about stories she’s done or about the station, etc. Not for requests for dates.

      There’s a good chance she’d never see your message anyway. I’m pretty sure that news orgs screen the e-mail of their on-air talent, to weed out the propositions, proposals, threats, obscene pictures, etc.

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      • avatar

        Kate January 8, 2019, 3:27 pm

        I suppose since she’s a TV personality, fan-type emails would be expected, but yeah, an email about how he thinks she’s pretty and has a great personality and would like to meet her would AT BEST be never seen. It would probably be ignored and deleted, or possibly filed in some log of potential creeps/stalkers. In no universe would it ever lead to a date or even be perceived by her in a positive way. In general, like I said too on the forum post, a woman’s work email is for WORK. Don’t approach them romantically unless they’re in a social or dating setting.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant January 8, 2019, 3:31 pm

        It’s really never approporiate to hit on women *at work*.

        This is just the same as asking out your barista, or bartender, or waitress.

        They are working, it is their job to be nice to you (or give off a certain persona if they are on camera). They are there to do a job, not be a potential love match for you to pursue. They cannot be mean to you, or remove themselves from a situation that they are uncomfortable in, without imperiling their income.

        Sure – there are examples of a customer and service workers meeting on the job and living happily ever after, but these are the exception not the rule. Virtually all of the time, women want to be left alone to do their god damn jobs. Err on the side of caution and keep interactions with women service workers professional.

        That means don’t ask your barista for her phone number, don’t email your local weather lady to ask her out.

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  • avatar

    Poppy January 8, 2019, 2:39 pm

    Just No. I wouldnt do,that. It does come off as weird.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom January 8, 2019, 3:31 pm

    I’ve known only one local television personality. On air he was very upbeat. Always in a good mood. In real life he was far more cynical and grumpy. On the air all of the news team seemed to get along great. When he was away from the station he talked about the ones he didn’t like at all.

    It really is a fabrication. They have to be very warm and friendly on air or they won’t have a job. Nobody can be that upbeat and warm and friendly all the time.

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  • avatar

    inkyboots January 8, 2019, 4:42 pm

    Don’t hit on people when they’re working.

    I eventually married one of the regulars from the coffee shop where I worked – do you want to know where he asked me out? At a different restaurant when he saw me eating there with a friend and we struck up a conversation – when I wasn’t working.

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  • avatar

    Sapphire January 9, 2019, 1:43 am

    That’s so weird. You don’t know them in real life. You never met them in real life. I have crushes on people I see in the tv, movies, and shows too. But I know that they are real people and how they portrayed themselves in media is probably not how they are in real life. The one you have a crush isn’t her, not her tv personality. Contacting this woman’s work email is MORE weirder. It’s strictly for work related.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros January 9, 2019, 4:38 pm

    This is the perfect place for a rant I’ve been thinking about for a long time. I follow the local meteorologist on facebook because we get a lot of snow and I like to be prepared. The number of comments on her posts that are basically “you’re pretty” or “hey emily hope you have a great day stay safe” are just too much. Like, this person is not your friend. They don’t know you. They are doing a job. Their job is to look presentable on camera and gain/keep viewers so they have to come across as kind/friendly/whatever.

    They have their own life and friends and are not interested in hearing from one of the dozen guys in their viewing area who thinks that they seem like a good catch. Also, I used to work for a newspaper and we hung out with some of the news anchors because we were owned by the same company. I can tell you NONE of them would want to start hanging out with a viewer.

    I could never ever have their job because all the creepy comments by guys who seem to think they are BFFs are just super too much.

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    • avatar

      Kate January 9, 2019, 4:48 pm

      Totally. I’ve rarely been in a position of getting hit on at work, but it’s so uncomfortable and I really resented it. I don’t deal with the public, but with clients, and you feel like you have to be nice. As a waitress I had my ass grabbed and stuff. Just no.

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