Not only is their relationship not your business, this woman — who is not, as you pointed out, some naive kid — has known about you for three years. Maybe she knows about the emails, too. Maybe she doesn’t care. Maybe she’s accepted, through therapy and her extensive life history and her own set of personal priorities, that a commitment with her boyfriend may include his being in periodic contact with women who once loved him. Maybe she isn’t threatened by that. At any rate, it’s not your place to warn her about anything. You were right not to reply to the ex-lover. Now continue the wise behavior and leave him — and his girlfriend — in the past and don’t interfere with their relationship.
retired three years ago, and because I love my wife, I agreed to move close to my wife’s grandchildren, which meant leaving a city where I had lived my whole life. My wife’s son is divorced now and the ex-daughter-in-law makes it hard for us to see the two granddaughters. I keep having thoughts of moving back to my previous city because I don’t have as strong an emotional connection to the granddaughters as my wife does and, in addition, the son isn’t around that much due to his job. I am just having a hard time compromising. What do you suggest? Therapy isn’t helping me. — Missing My Home
You said you moved because you love your wife and she wanted to be close to her grandchildren. Have either of those things changed? Do you think your wife is seeing her grandchildren enough to justify living where you do? (More importantly, does she?) Does she anticipate seeing them more? Are there any other compelling reasons to stay where you are or are occasional visits with the granddaughters the only thing keeping you both there?
If this is simply a case of your realizing that your own desires (being back home) matter more to you than your wife’s desires (being close to her granddaughters), then you have to do some soul-searching and decide whether your love for your wife is strong enough to sacrifice your own desires. And you’ll have to consider whether moving home will give you the joy and fulfillment you expect it to if you don’t have your wife to share it with. And you should also give good consideration to what it is your hometown offers you that your new home doesn’t and whether you could put more effort into finding replacements where you live now.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].