I was as patient and understanding as I could be, but when my feelings developed into something deep and real and I wanted a genuine life with Greg, he started shutting down and backing away from me. Eventually things got so bad that I ended our relationship.
Fast forward to a month after my breakup with Greg: I found out Greg had been spending an inordinate amount of time with a single female “friend” (we will call her Tosha) toward the end of our relationship. To this day, I have no real proof that anything crossed the physical cheating line, but some definite boundaries were crossed. Within days of our relationship ending, Greg and Tosha were in a relationship (something I would not discover until almost five weeks later).
When Greg and Tosha were very early into their relationship (Greg assures me it was before they had the official talk), Greg was intimate with both me and Tosha. After I found out about the situation and confronted him about it, Greg was very back and forth about his feelings regarding me and Tosha. When I discovered the full story of everything that happened, I cut off all contact. It took me several months to get back to a happy and healthy place.
After three months of being together, Tosha and Greg broke up. Greg is in the process of moving out of the home with Shiela. He really seems to have grown up. He turned up at my apartment one night a few weeks after the breakup with Tosha and we talked, and we have had several conversations since.
Greg seems more attentive and understanding. He has taken responsibility for all the damage he caused in our relationship. Greg is present when we spend time together in public (something he was terrible at when we were last together). Everything seems perfect, but something in my gut is telling me it’s too good to be true.
Greg and I have had a couple of conversations about getting back together. I seriously considered taking him back, but somewhere in the latest conversation Greg mentioned that Tosha had gotten a hotel room for them to spend the night together this past Thursday. I believe he told me so there would be no secrets between us. Greg didn’t meet up with Tosha, didn’t respond to her request in any way, and spent Thursday evening at dinner and talking with me. I knew they still talked and I understood it, even if I didn’t like it.
Honestly, if Greg had really closed the relationship properly, Tosha would not consider asking such a thing of him. It bothers me a lot that Tosha still thinks they can have a physical relationship. Greg tells me he has had no physical contact with Tosha since he and Tosha split up and the only reason he hasn’t completely shut the door with her is because he’s afraid of how she will react. Greg tells me he doesn’t hate Tosha, but he doesn’t want to be with her.
I understand Greg doesn’t want to confront Tosha and hurt her feelings any more than he has. But Greg constantly seems to make this mistake over and over — never truly letting things go and moving on.
Last night Greg asked me to make our relationship official. I’m not seeing anyone else and part of me wants to do it. I love Greg more than I’ve loved anyone. But he hurt me so badly that I can’t put myself in the same situation as before.
Am I wrong to tell Greg that he needs to cut Tosha out of his life and sort out his feelings alone regarding her and me before we can get involved again? Obviously, I don’t want to control Greg’s life or his friends, but given the situation between all of us, I think it’s the only way I can protect myself.
So, should I take him back or not? And if so, are my conditions unreasonable? — Second Chance?
You say you don’t want to put yourself in the same position you were in before, but it sounds like the only thing that has truly changed with Greg is that, instead of having one ex he still has unfinished business with, he now has two. The red flags are flapping in the wind, lady; stop ignoring them and MOA. If you got hurt touching one burner, why on earth would you wave your hands around two burners going strong?!
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.