“Should I Have Told Her She Had Blood on Her Pants?”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss work etiquette and when to de-friend someone on Facebook.

I’m a guy, with a female “work friend.” We’ve known and liked each other for years and BS about personal lives a lot, but we’re both married to other people and never wanted to be more than friends. Anyway, the other day at work I notice what looks like a fresh bloodstain on the seat of her (white) pants. Obviously, she was having some sort of menstrual issue. No big deal to me — that’s just a fact of life — but I’m sure she would have been embarrassed if she knew, and she obviously didn’t. What’s more, she had a big meeting later that day.

So should I have said something? I’m thinking that: (1) sometimes it’s better to just pretend we can’t see, (2) women don’t want guys noticing that sort of thing, (3) I’ll look like I was checking out her butt (4) She’s not going to have time to go home and change anyway. But on the other hand: (5) she’s not going to want to walk into a meeting like that and (6) shouldn’t a friend help a friend get ahead of a situation like that? I chickened out, but now I’m wondering: did I do the right thing? — Period Peace

I would have discretely told her. Maybe she couldn’t have gone home and changed, but she could have gone to the bathroom and cleaned the spot with some soap a water and dried it with a hand dryer. Yeah, you’re a man and that part is awkward, but given the choice, she’d probably have preferred being embarrassed in front of one man she knows well and likes a lot as opposed to a potential roomful of men she probably doesn’t know or like as well.

I work in a small office environment and all of my co-workers are very casual with each other. Normally, I get along with everyone here and we rarely have issues but for the past few weeks things have been getting…difficult. I sit near two women who just LOVE to talk. They gossip about other people, share stories that have no relevance to anyone’s current conversations and, this is the one that pushes me, just love to comment on EVERYTHING. For example, they walk through my office area saying things like “Oh, no heater on today. Must be warm out for you.” Or “Dressed for winter today? She’s wearing long-sleeves.” “Your heater is on? It’s not that cold out.” Trying to ignore them isn’t easy as our rooms are right next to one another and there is a doorway that remains open all day. Is there any way I can tell them to to stop? Getting the running-commentary in the morning doesn’t help my waking-up process and I really just want them to say “good morning” like everyone else and keep on moving. — Working Girl

If you aren’t assertive enough to tell them to put a sock in it already, then tell them you have a really bad headache and need to keep noise at a minimum, so you’re going to close the door between you and would they mind also keeping their voices down too, please. Do this enough days in a row — it’s a REALLY bad headache — that it finally becomes the new “normal.”

About a month ago, I met a guy when I went out with a few friends, gave him my number but didn’t really expect to hear from him. He texted me the next day and we proceeded to go on a few great dates — nothing serious but I definitely gathered that we had a lot in common and he seemed genuinely interested in me. We went on a double date with two of his friends and they all had a little bit too much to drink, so I drove everyone home and the guy stayed the night at my apartment because I didn’t feel comfortable with him driving home.

At this point, I should probably mention that I’m a 22-year-old virgin who has never had a serious boyfriend, so having a tipsy man alone in my apartment was not a familiar situation. Long story short: I made things very uncomfortable for the both of us, by saying so many strange things that seemed okay at the time but in hindsight make me cringe. He was pretty quick to leave the next morning, and instead of going with me to an event we’d planned to attend together, he went with a group of friends.

That was a week and a half ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve accepted that he clearly lost interest, and that’s okay. The strange thing about this situation though, is that the guy added me on Facebook the Monday after I made things so uncomfortable. At the time, I thought it was a sign that he still wanted to keep channels of communication open, at least digitally. However, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to hear from me. I guess my question is: should I delete him from my Facebook (and phone, for that matter)? My gut response is “yes,” but at the same time I kind of want to keep him as a “friend,” so he can see how pretty/interesting/awesome I am and feel bad for being so quick to judge. What do you think I should do? — Pretty Awesome

Go with your gut and delete this guy from your phone and Facebook friends list. A pretty/awesome/interesting woman doesn’t need to waste any energy on some rude dude with no manners. If you really want to send the message that he’s missed out on something great, MOA and don’t look back.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.


  1. Addie Pray says:

    LW1: Yes, you should have told her. She probably didn’t discover it until the end of the day, and now assumes EVERYONE she saw that day also noticed. If you had told her, it would have just been you.

    LW2: I’m in a similar situation. Their constant chatter makes it harder to concentrate on reading DW. I think Wendy’s advice is easier said than done though. Let me know if it works because then maybe I’ll try it… What I usually do is sigh heavily in a passive aggressive way and then shut my office door a little louder than necessary so they get the message. They never do.

    LW3: I wouldn’t delete him as a friend. You only went out a few times and it didn’t work out. People notice when you defriend them, and it could be awkward if you run around in similar circles. I went out with a guy a couple of times and it just didn’t work out. He felt a stronger connection between us and was upset, so defriended me. I thought that seemed a little dramatic, considering we had only gone out a couple of times. … I’d wait it out a bit. But of course if seeing his presence on FB makes you sad or whatnot, do what you need to do to be happy.

    1. Hiding someone from my profile works wonders for me if I’m sad about them and don’t want to see their updates or be reminded of their presence. It’s a good compromise if you don’t want to defriend them completely. And, bonus, when you’re over it you can “unhide” them and they’ll never know.

      1. BroGoddess says:

        I hid my ex and never looked back. 2 years later I’m so much healthier!

    2. Haha. I’ve done the same thing with the sighing! But I think it only empowers her more bc she’ll look at me, & then continue…I’ve made comments too, like “WOWWW!” or “OMG” but again, just makes her feel happy she’s pushing my buttons. 🙁

    3. Most people don’t care about passive aggressiveness in my experience or just think you are being dramatic. Be more assertive or just wear some head phones (what I would do).

      1. Agreed with the headphones. My issue is people walking up to talk to me. I put headphones on sometimes when I’m not even listening to music, just to dissuade people from walking over.

    4. Yes but he added her after this incident…kind of weird.

      1. Maybe he didn’t think it was that weird at the time, but he thought she acted strange after he added her. Or maybe he met someone else and wants to be friends but didn’t want to date anymore. Or maybe, since she said they went on a few dates and still weren’t FB friends, he put her in the friendzone and added her then as opposed to adding her when she was still a love interest.

    5. Re: #3

      Yeah, I went out with a guy ONCE (it was a set up, and we’d talked on FB a couple of times first). When it didn’t work out (the in-person date was incredibly awkward), I deleted him, he definitely noticed. He actually sent me a message saying something to the effect of how cold the world has become. WTF. At that point I was GLAD to have deleted him.

      1. In an age where it isn’t uncommon to have 1200 friends on your facebook account I can see a guy getting peeved that you would delete him over an awkward date…however…it is definitely weird he said something to that effect or even contacted you over it at all.

      2. But we barely knew each other. I should have clarified I didn’t delete him the moment I got home from the date. We’d communicated afterwards which further solidified that I had no intention of seeing him again. Should I have kept him on as a pity-friend?

      3. moonflowers says:

        IMO, he shouldn’t get the right to be your fb friend just because he was passive-aggressive about being rejected. It’s his fault for not MOA when you clearly told him it was over.

      4. No, you shouldn’t have. Seriously, I don’t understand the point of the whole 1200 friends thing. Most people don’t actually notice when someone unfriends them unless it’s someone they talk to often.

      5. Leaving him on as a friend would only lead to further aggravation for both of you. He can say it’s a cold world all he wants, but before the internet we happily allowed people to fade into oblivion.

  2. spaceboy761 says:

    LW #3:

    It’s possible that this LW did/said some REALLY awkward things that night and the guy was legitimately weirded out. I would give him a second shot.

    1. SpaceySteph says:

      I hate to disagree with you Spaceboy but… I gotta!
      She let him stay at her apartment and sleep off his drunkeness. The boy doesn’t even have the politeness to thank her for letting him crash and/or even TEXT her “hey, I don’t think this is gonna work out.” He’s just gonna pull the fade out?! Forget him, the right boy will at least have the courtesy to call you crazy to your face.

      1. spaceboy761 says:

        “I made things very uncomfortable for the both of us, by saying so many strange things that seemed okay at the time but in hindsight make me cringe.”

        It all depends on how much weight you place on this statement. I pulled the fade out exactly twice in my life. Once, when a 15-year old girl lied her age to me and I could have reasonably ended up in prison for the 2nd base action to which I was privy the night before. I essentially panicked.

        And twice, after an impromtpu first date when the lucky lady starting spilling insanely personal story-of-my-life details that would have terrified most psychiatrists. I actually was considering giving her a courtesy ‘not-interested’ call until she went on a 10 minute tirade about how guys never call her back. I was reasonably sure that any further communication with her would have resulted in her chasing me down a dark alley with a meat hook while wearing a wedding dress, so I didn’t. Unbelievably, my jaw hit the coffee table about two years later when I saw her on television on Date Patrol, an old TLC show dedicated to helping people who were having trouble in the dating world. She was the first person ever on the show to be declared hopeless by all resident experts. I felt strangely relieved.

      2. SpaceySteph says:

        Ok mayyyybe it was THAT crazy. In which case, I agree with you. But then why friend her on facebook?

      3. SpaceySteph says:

        Also, in thinking further… I wonder if this is when he found out she was a virgin. Maybe he freaked at the idea of being her first and decided to back off; but friended her on facebook so once the, uh, flower has been plucked, he can have another shot.

      4. Spaceboy, $20 on she’s inexperienced, and she’s blowing the awkward comments out of proportion. I doubt she’s as psychotic as the second girl in your story. You on?

      5. spaceboy761 says:

        Maybe not that crazy, but crazy to scare him away for a bit. Hell, I’ve panicked myself into saying some pretty lunatic things on first dates and never questioned why girls disappeared after that.

        Of course, when a woman does the fade away, she’s being assertive and powerful. When a guy does it, he’s the world’s biggest assclown.

      6. SpaceySteph says:

        I personally think the fade away is the ultimate jerk move, by someone of any gender to someone of any gender. The only way to be assertive is to actually, you know, assert something.

        But I think you’re right that the double standard exists.

      7. Disagreeing. The fade sucks no matter who does it. Maybe some people believe in that double standard, but I hope not.

      8. ‘Assclown’ is just such an awesome insult haha 🙂

    2. From what I read the ball isn’t even in her court to give him another shot… he disappeared for a week and a half early into the dating phase. He’s likely gone for good. People add others on Facebook for no reason whatsoever.

      1. Yeah, I don’t understand sometimes why people add me. I keep my facebook friends list low (its at 35 right now) and only add someone when I really feel the need to. But I had an ex from a short rebound fling that ended badly who tried to friend me twice. Why? Just why?

      2. I think it’s the “I know her/him!!!!” syndrome. I only keep people that I’m comfortable knowing my activities, interests, etc. Everyone else is periodically removed.

  3. SpaceySteph says:

    LW 1: I understand where you are coming from, certainly an awkward situation. But I think most women would tell you they would prefer you tell them… and then offer them your sweat shirt to tie around their waist. No, we can’t change our pants, but a sweatshirt around the waist at least hides the carnage.
    Once I went to work with a giant hole in the back of my shirt that I somehow didn’t notice. You could see my bra clasp right through it! Finally around noon a coworker said “honey you have a huge hole in your shirt!.” Having nothing else to do, I wore a sweater the rest of the day. I never go to work without at least one sweatshirt/sweater… just in case!

  4. BoomChakaLaka says:

    LW #1: f you are really close with her, there should be no problem with letting her know that she had a little “accident.” If anything, you’ll probably hear about how she found out in a few days.

    LW #2: Do you work at my office? There is this one girl who has divulged every last detail about her upcoming nuptials. I actually knew where it was, color scheme, what the mother of the bride was wearing…and it wasn’t like I was actively eavesdropping. She just talked way too much and way too loudly. That said, I didn’t want to create an awkward work environment (plus she wasn’t in my group), so I just put my headphones on. They’ll probably start talking about you if you confront them, so I just say, get those headphones.

    LW#3: If you don’t plan on ever talking to him again, go ahead and defriend. I don’t think he has big enough balls to ask you directly why you unfriended him, but if he does, don’t respond. On to the next one…

  5. LW1: TELL her for god’s sake! Its the humane thing to do. If nothing else, maybe she could have tied a sweater around her waist to hide it. As a side note – who wears white pants when they have their period?? That’s just asking for trouble.

    LW2: HEADPHONES. They are your new best friend. It also wouldn’t be bad to mention to your co-workers that you aren’t a morning person. I did that and it has helped immensely. Of course, there’s always that one person that thinks it means they should STILL bother you in the morning and then make fun of you when you act all cranky. Yeah, that just PISSES me off more!

    LW3: I agree with Spaceboy that you probably just sketched him out. This was only his second time meeting you, so he didn’t have much of a frame of reference. It sounds like he sent the request as a way of finding out if that incident is indicative of your normal behavior, or just you feeling awkward about having him in your apartment. Its up to you if you think he’s worth another shot.

    1. I’m not a morning person either. There’s always ONE person in the office who thinks it is their Life Mission to remind everyone to SMILE!!! and get rid of that “Case Of The Mondays.”

      1. honeybeenicki says:

        Unfortunately, my case of the Mondays seems to be incurable. Some people in my office just don’t get it. There’s one person who constantly pesters me in the morning (I start at 6am and work 10 hours generally) and when I’m not in a bright mood, he asks what he did or if I’m mad at him. I’ve probably told him a dozen times that I just don’t like to be talked to in the morning but he still does it.

      2. I have one of those faces that inspires people to ask “what’s wrong” or some variation. Usually, nothing, until people start bug-assing me about my “mood.” I actually had to tell a coworker once that “This is my face. This is the way it looks. I’m NOT not smiling. I. Just. Am. I will smile when I have a reason.”

    2. Yes – HEADPHONES! Best thing ever. I wear them all the time, put on some music, keep the volume at a level that shuts out the chatter but I can still hear my desk phone. And, I am a bit ashamed to admit, sometimes I just wear them (without playing any music) so I can hear what my coworkers are chatting about. Seems when you have headphones on everyone assumes you are listening to music even if you aren’t. Yes, I know, it’s eavesdropping but really, if they didn’t want anyone to hear them they shouldn’t talk so loud in a public place. Oh, and headphones keep your ears warm in the winter.

  6. Hey all, it’s LW #2 here:
    I took Wendy’s advice, closed the door between our two rooms and told them that today I had a bad headache (coincidentally I did wake-up with one but even still…). Good news is that it’s working so far! Their voices are muffled so the chatter isn’t as bad and they’ve respected my wishes by not coming into my room to chit-chat & gossip. Unfortunately, I still catch bits & pieces of their blah-blah-blah (this morning it was about how to soften food and different kinds of puddings, custards and I think cheese) but I’m just going to keep that door closed no matter what! A girls’ gotta keep her sanity after all.
    I should also mention that I’m not alone in this boat. About 95% of the office all agrees that these two talk wayyyy too much. So for those of you out there with chatterboxes at the workplace just remember: there are probably others who feel the same way at your office too!

    1. SweetChild says:

      They sound soooo irritating! I think you must have a headache every day from now on, that’ll work until they start asking if you have a brain tumour or something…

    2. SpaceySteph says:

      I agree with the person above who said headphones! I work in a cube farm so even small, necessary conversations have a tendency to carry. Get a few of those conversations going and you get a roaring crowd. I always work with headphones in, try classical music if you don’t want singing.

      1. Classical music works for me too! I’m way too distracted by words.

    3. BoomChakaLaka says:

      Yes! I actually overheard some people in our pantry talking about how loud the “bride-to-be” talks and how difficult it is to work with that. So I know other people agree with me, I think we just all choose to use the headphones.

  7. Lw3, just ignore him…if you delete him from Facebook then it looks like he was a bigger deal then he was (or you want him to think he was)…probably stupid of him to add you on Facebook if he wasn’t planning on going out with you anymore…as for feeling bad about making things “uncomfortable” that night…you were very considerate driving his drunk friends home and letting him stay over…that is very responsible and mature and for someone your age I think that is great! so you were nervous, who wouldn’t be! if he can’t appreciate you taking care of him that night then he isn’t worth your time!

    1. SpaceySteph says:

      Agree. You can also block his posts from your news feed if you want to avoid seeing his inane status posts of all the other dates he’s gotten wasted on.

  8. SweetChild says:

    Okay, if that had been me with the accident in letter 1 I would have been MORTIFIED upon discovering that at the end of the day and totally assume everyone had seen it. And I’d feel really let down if someone saw it but didn’t tell me. You don’t have to be checking out someone’s ass to notice something like that, she would have understood. Just a simple quiet “Oh hey sorry, you have something on your pants, maybe just go to the bathroom see if you can get it off before the meeting?” Easy. Chickening out was totally the wrong option, don’t do it again!!

    I think all you can do in LW2’s case is be assertive and understand that people may not like you for it. For goodness sake don’t do the whole passive-aggressive overly loud sigh and eye-roll or anything, those people are worse than the chatters. If you ask them clearly and politely to please keep the noise down so you can concentrate they will have no reason to not do so. But they might get annoyed so you should be prepared for that.

    As for LW3 she might have come across like a crazy person! It’s possible she made him so awkward he just didn’t want anything more to do with her, I can understand that. I don’t know why he would friend her on facebook after the fact, that seems incredibly silly. She could either perhaps keep him and apologise for the weirdness and see if he’s still interested, or drop him from facebook and move on. Don’t keep him just as a friend though, that only seems like you still have feelings or something for him and will only drive you crazy.

  9. LW1 – Wendy’s advice is spot on.

    LW2 – If I were you, I would tell them in a calm, neutral, non-confrontational tone to keep it down, because it’s hard to focus on work. Make it about work, don’t make it personal. And at the same time, invest in some sound-proofing head-phones. Maybe a sarcastic friend can help you with a snarky come-back comment? I can’t think of anything right now.

    LW3 – I would advice against deleting him from FB or your phone. You can restrict his access to your FB page – play around with the privacy settings, and you can also remove him from your newsfeed. I had a guy delete me from FB, and when we met a couple of months later, we got along just fine (and he also had a gf by that time 🙂 ), and he added me again. Also, another guy that came to my place because he was too drunk to drive home pulled the same shit on me your guy pulled on you. I did not delete him from FB, we still see each other in social situations, and it’s not awkward anymore. I think it’s time for you to grow a pair. Don’t take it personally. Maybe there’s something wrong with him, not you (in my case, I realized it’s him, but I won’t go into details here.) I usually don’t delete people from my phone – just in case they call again, I want to know who’s calling. What I do though, is put W (for wrong) in front of their name. I tried renaming them Asshole John, but they appear at the top of my list, and I don’t want to be reminded of their existence every time I look at my phone book. Jerk John is not good either – they’re in the middle of my phone book. At the end of the day though, do whatever feels best for you.

    Don’t beat yourself up over what you said. It made sense at the time, not so much the next morning. Guess what? You’ll do it again! It’s who you are, and you should make no excuses for who you are. And I’m pretty sure it’s not that bad anyway :). Learn from it and move on. Good luck!

    1. plasticepoxy says:

      hahahaah! “LW1 – Wendy’s advice is spot on.” funny even if it wasn’t on purpose!

  10. LW#3: He stayed at your apt., you were nice enough to take care of his drunken ass, & then he doesn’t call anymore? Not worth it! MOA. A guy that really likes you would’ve dismissed the “awkward” comments. However maybe you’re being too hard on yourself & overanalyzing, so things seem worse than they actually were. All in all, delete him from FB. Make sure you put a really hott picture of yourself as the default so if he does go to check your page, not only does he see you’ve moved on, he can see that hott picture!

    LW#2: I know EXACTLY how you feel! I have this co-worker (who’s 20 yrs older than me), does things on a constant basis to attempt to throw me under the bus to the boss, has THREATENED to “beat the shit” out of me in front of my boss, & other things. I have to sit about 5 ft away from her & when she’s constantly making personal phone calls, screaming, pounding on her desk, laughing super loud & just being an all around annoyance. It drives me insane that mult. times a day I need to get up & walk around my bldg. bc I will literally go insane. The sad thing is, my boss doesn’t do anything ab her, so she gets away with it all the time. I, like you, have not said anything to her, but I think I am going to take Wendy’s advice & you should too!

    1. How do you get people to stop chomping on their gum to loud with their mouths open, and making loud popping noises with it? This is the problem that I have, and I don’t know how to do it without being rude, but it kills me! Do I put a note in the suggestion box to HR without my name on it?

      1. Depending on the dynamic b/w you & said gum chomper, I’d confront them. HR might write it off as a “too small of an issue to be bothered with” problem. At least that’s what my HR dept. would do… I mean, this co-worker threatened to wait for me in the parking lot & beat me up (she told this to my boss) & the HR dept. said they didn’t think she was “that big of a threat.”
        Some company’s HR dept.’s SUCK!

      2. My office mate was chewing gum really loud. He wasn’t doing it very often, though. Once, I started to chew my gum really loud too. He commented on it right away: “Hey, you’re kind of loud”. I said “I started doing it because you’re doing it”. It was awkward, but we’re really good friends. If you get along with them, tell them. If not, headphones are wonderful!

  11. LW#1 Oh GOD, if I had blood on my pants I would want to be told, period! It’s akin to have something weird on my face, or something in my teeth. If this happens again LW, just politely (and discreetly) inform the woman of her situation with your sincere apologies and you’ll be forgiven for checking out her butt in your act of chivalry.

    LW#2 Headphones are great! I use them all the time. Glad to hear that your attempts to close the door also work too.

    LW#3 You can defriend him if you want. Yet if you want to avoid the drama that comes with defriending, yet not maintain active communication, can’t you put him on a special list? I think FB allows you to create settings like that.

    1. “Oh GOD, if I had blood on my pants I would want to be told, period!” – Haha, pun-tastic! 🙂 Really hope that was intentional, because it’s just too funny otherwise.

    2. plasticepoxy says:

      hahahah AGAIN! “W#1 Oh GOD, if I had blood on my pants I would want to be told, period!”

  12. LW 3 if you are out there please clarify what you said that is cringe worthy…that would help a lot in assessing the situation. Being an over-analyzer myself I can empathize with you and we need to know what you said before knowing whether or not this guy pulled a fade out and you are looking to assign a reason or if it is really what you said that scared him off.

    1. spaceboy761 says:

      LW: So then I was forced to ask myself why I was being sexually aroused by this squirrel.
      Guy: Ummmm…
      LW: I mean, he wasn’t even DOING anything… he was just sitting there holding an acorn. But the way he was STARING at me…
      Guy: Uh, wow….. Ok.

      1. LW3: I bet this guy hasn’t contacted because his own drunken behavior, not because you were weird or awkward. (I totally don’t blame you for that. I would have done the same thing.) He’s the one who should be embarrassed, not you. If you wanna delete him on Facebook, then go for it.

      2. I meant this as a comment, not a reply.

        However… the next time I’m getting hit on by a creep, I’ll tell him about the time I got turned by a squirrel. That’ll show him.

      3. spaceboy761 says:

        That would either work really well or backfire spectacularly.

      4. Spaceboy, is it weird that I know a guy that would totally say that, and I wouldn’t be weirded out by him? He’s completely adorable, and cutely socially awkward, which also makes him not sexy…

      5. spaceboy761 says:

        Ah. Better known as Anthony Michael Hall / Michael Cera Syndrome.

        You are displaying a classic reaction to him. The problem only resolves when he meets a female version of himself.

    2. Hey! I’m very late to discovering this thread so I don’t know if anyone will actually see this clarification. A few of the “cringeworthy” highlights:

      *Telling him I googled him-it seemed funny at the time!
      *Lord of the Rings/Star Wars references
      *Borderline inappropriate anecdotes about the tenant who lives above me, as well as insisting he analyze at the Georgia O’Keefe inspired painting in my living room (me: “what does it look like to you?” him: “uh… a penis and a vagina?”)
      *Obsessing over the amount of schoolwork I had to do the following day – I’m a full-time graduate student, and my final projects were all due the week after this incident; despite the crazy workload I like to have an active social life, even if it means running on 4 hours of sleep
      *Dramatically telling him that I’m not good at cuddling… mid-cuddle
      *Revealed that I was sexually aroused by squirrels (actually, this declaration might have assuaged the situation!)

      Also, should mention- he found out I was a virgin on our second date and wasn’t phased by it (we went on 3 more dates afterward), so I don’t think that was a factor. I’m probably over-analyzing, buuuut I definitely did reveal a few insecurities in that brief timeframe.

  13. caitie_didn't says:

    Wendy’s advice for LW1 is great! There are few things more completely mortifying than bleeding through your pants and everyone should take it upon themselves to inform their friend if it’s happening to them.

    Also, here’s a question for the DW crowd: does anyone else find de-friending on facebook to be equivalent to a slap in the face? I just think it’s so immature and ridiculous. My ex defriended me, after dumping me and it seemed like the most petty and ridiculous thing to do- like, do you really think I would stoop low enough to post embarrassing things on your wall?

    1. Yea I feel like it is a slap in the face. I had an ex randomly defriend me after like 3 years of not being together and we weren’t even really on bad terms and another fling de-friended me when she got engaged…really weird.

      1. I agree that it can feel like a slap in the face, depending on the circumstances. My almost-ex husband deleted me, my family, and my friends within two weeks after telling me he wanted to get back together, but that even if we didn’t, he was going to do the right thing (not see his mistress anymore) to show me how sorry he was. Under those circumstances, it totally felt like a slap in the face). Guess he wasn’t that sorry…

    2. I think it can be immature sometimes, but not always. My boyfriend and I cleaned out our facebook friends list last year, taking them both to below 50 people. We weren’t feeling mean or anything, we just prefer to keep our lists to people we are close to or wish to stay close to. I also delete exes not out of spite (I’ve deleted exes I was on good terms with), but so I don’t have to see them in my newsfood and am less likely to facebook-stalk.

      1. SpaceySteph says:

        Budjer I think Desiree makes a good point about spite vs. cleanup. If the ex had done it a few weeks after the break up I think thats like “oh this jerk dumped me… defriend!” but 3 years later they were probably just cleaning out the friend list of people they aren’t in contact with anymore.
        I have been meaning to clean out my friends list too (probably will on my next overnight shift) because there’s people I haven’t talked to in awhile and who I don’t feel like I’m interested in getting updates on their lives. Its nothing meanspirited just “we’ve grown apart, time to move on” deletions.

      2. Yea, I get your point, but a lot of people use FB for different reasons. Most of my friends circle has anywhere from 400 to 1200 friends and obviously you can’t realistically have that many friends…so “cleaning out” isn’t always a standard procedure.

    3. I agree. I think cleaning out your friend list is different because usually you’re cutting people you haven’t spoken to in a long time. Or high school folks you added at one point who you’re not actually close with. But when you delete someone you associate with or have recently, I usually take it to be a strong response. Besides random people I barely remember, the only people I have deleted are exes who were particularly jerkish.

    4. I think like Desiree. I had gone and cleaned out my facebook friends list a bit. I added a ton of people when I first joined. In five years, there were facebook friends that I had not spoken to, posted on their wall, liked a status or read anything of theirs. If I’m not using facebook to connect, then why have you as a friend? It’s not personal. But I see how people could be offended because it’s acknowledging the fact that I don’t do any of that and I don’t care to.

    5. I don’t feel it’s a slap in the face. My friend list shrinks every now and then, and I have no idea who defriended me. They were probably people I wasn’t that close to to begin with. I wouldn’t know who slapped me haha.

      @Budjer – maybe those girls defriended you at the request of their insecure, jealous, controlling SOs. In my case, I defriended my ex-husband because I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore, and also I didn’t want him to keep tabs on me. I realize now I could have done it by changing me privacy settings, but I wasn’t that FB savvy back then (2008ish).

      1. In the case of the fling I would be willing to agree…she pulled a fade out because I apparently showed too much interest at first. The kicker is she got engaged to a guy she just met 4 months later.

      2. I haven’t managed to friend many of my flings. They didn’t stick around long enough :). I read this article a while ago, that advised against friending someone you just met on FB. It was more along the lines – give each other time to get to know one another. FB just makes it instantaneously and removes some of the excitement and mystery that comes along with you’re discovering a new person. Or maybe I’m just weird, or my flings weren’t into FB to begin with.

    6. BoomChakaLaka says:

      I have used the defriendmultiple times, if only to make sure that the other person doesn’t have tabs on my life. I’m sorry, but I get zero thrill out of someone looking at my info and thinking that they missed out on something. I do absolutely get peeved when someone knows something about my life, that I didn’t tell them, because they found out on facebook. I also defriend (+block) because I don’t want to see/hear/or speak to that person. I could imagine how tough it must be if you have an ex in a close group of friends. That person is just “liking” this and commenting on “that.” You might want to move on, but there’s a sign of this person EVERYWHERE.

      But, if you defriend and block them, its like they disappeared. You never have to see what they are doing, even if they write on the walls of your friends, their comment won’t appear. It’s perfect.

      I also do the defriend to curb the temptation of possibly spending hours analyzing every update of the defriended.

      1. I don’t get what the big deal is about defriending, and I’ve encountered this before. It’s my facebook, I’m allowed to be friends with who I want to be friends with (or delete who I want to delete). Period.

  14. LW1: Definitely should have told her. She’s going to be more concerned with her pants and being embarrassed than thinking you were looking at her butt.

  15. White pants on your period? Daring

    1. SpaceySteph says:

      Maybe it was early? Maybe it wasn’t her period.
      Or maybe it was late, and she wore the pants to tempt it into coming. We did this recently with the rain. We’re having a terrible drought so we encouraged people to forget their umbrella… when a critical mass of people were umbrella-less the skies opened up. We got drenched but we needed the rain badly.
      Superstition has a strong confirmation bias. 😉

    2. Some women don’t have any symptoms and don’t feel it coming. My mom and a friend of mine never have cramps or any other physical discomfort. Or maybe she sat on some raspberries. It happened to me once… Someone told me, but there was no place for me to change, and the stains were already dry.

  16. LW1: I can totally understand you chickening out, it’s a hard thing to knowingly embarrass someone, but if it’s meant with care then it’s the right thing to do. You mentioning to your friend would in the long run actually saved her a lot of embarrassment.

    Personally if I’m put in that position, especially if the person is a stranger, I ask myself would I want to be told? The answer is normally yes. One day I was walking down the street in the middle of the day, with a new dress on. It had buttons down the front, very weak buttons as it turns out. I passed 5 people that day, and not one of them mentioned to me that my bra was completely on show. I was mortified and would much rather someone had said something so I could have buttoned up!

    Then again there was a lady in my shop the other week, who’s top had slipped down a little showing the edge of her bra, but because she was with her partner I felt that it would be more appropriate for him to tell her.

    Perhaps in future LW1 you could think to yourself, “If this was happening to my wife would I/She want someone to tell her?” Or in your office environment, could you tell another collegue and ask them to mention it quietly if you are too embarrassed?

  17. LW 1: I am absolutely terrified of letting people know when they have embarrassing sh*t going on. My sisters too. If ever someone farts, we have to pretend as though not only did it not happen, but that such a thing as farts do not exist. To this day if my bf farts accidentally I will lay my head down and pretend to fall asleep like I’m a narcoleptic just so he wont feel embarrassed. I can’t even say “fart”. It actually hurts me to write it. Poop, either. I have to say “poo”. It sounds friendlier. Like a woodland creature did it. From a Disney movie.

    Anyway, I hate the idea of letting people stay embarrassed over that shizz because I have been so many times, so I create an elaborate skit all to get a woman to go to the bathroom to look at her pants.

    me, in the office: Uh oh…Oh crap, somebody spilled something on my chair!
    girl with the stain: what?
    me: who did this? Who in the hell is spilling things on all of the chairs?!
    girl: is it on all of the chairs?
    me: It must be! Its on mine, someone must have exploded a soda can or something…Maybe…cherry slice or whatever…..
    girl: There’s cherry flavored slice?
    me: Of course there is!! Stand up, let me make sure you’re seat hasn’t had soda sprayed on it!!
    girl: but..
    me: DO IT NOW.
    *girl stands up*
    me: hmmm, maybe, although I can’t really see anything….you better check for yourself!

    Yes, its a flawed system. But I’m a flawed person g*ddammit.

    1. spaceboy761 says:

      I am convinced that if you and I worked together on a screen play, it would shatter all existing records for awesomeness.

  18. Astronomer says:

    I’d like to take a moment to thank LW1 for asking Wendy this question. It takes a stand-up guy to broach the subject of period etiquette without any judgment or squeamishness. If all the men in our lives were so thoughtful, a little blood on our pants at a meeting might not be so completely devastating, but just another crap day at work.

    LW1 might not have made the best call in this situation, but his heart was in the right place. I’m sure he’s a conscientious friend to the women in his life.

  19. LW3–is it possible he may have been a little awkward/embarassed bout being so drunk that he had to stay at your place? Don’t beat yourself up about it, it could have had little to do with anything “awkward” you said..

    1. I must add that I find it extremely odd that he “added” you on facebook after he decided to stop talking to you..seems pretty douchey. Who does that??….

  20. LW # 3, I had a similar situation happen to me last summer. Met a guy, went out several times, he seemed really into me, we both got drunk one night and I asked him a few questions about why he hadn’t invited me to his birthday party (which was the night after I met him). Looking back I probably came off as a little (or very) insecure and probably a little nosy…..didn’t hear from him for another week or two after that, after which he sent me some random text about the weather(srsly) but then didn’t respond again……ANYWAY LW, after beating myself up about it for a few weeks(months), I made a realization—- He probably wasn’t THAT interested in me in the first place, and the weird birthday thing just made it easier for him to walk away from the situation. My point is–it probably was not your “awkward” comments that were some kind of deal breaker, there’s gotta be something else going on here so don’t even worry about it for single second more!!!!!

  21. I wish I’d thought of the “hey, you sat on something” dodge, which is a lot less embarrassing than “Your tampon ain’t doing its job” or whatever (like most guys, I don’t understand the world of “feminine hygiene” and don’t want to). I’ve seen so many changes in male-female relations in the workplace that I no longer know what’s acceptable and what isn’t. When I entered the workforce it was OK to put pictures of topless women on the wall, and now that’s wrong but having your whale tail sticking out the back of your pants is just the fashion? I asked because I wanted to know what women would think, and even if I was wrong I now know better what to do if it happens again (and I sure hope it doesn’t!)

  22. Let me add that I’ve lived with women most of my life- sisters, girlfriends, spouse- and the whole idea of menstruation has no shock value to me. I mean, it’s not glamorous, but what am I going to do, complain that the women in my life are normal women? The idea that a lot of you consider the situation “mortifying” seems odd to me. Maybe a grooming error, but hell, I’ve been known to forget to shave or go around with my shirttail out by mistake too.

    In a perfect world this wouldn’t matter any more than telling a guy friend “Hey, tie your shoe before you fall on your ass.” It’s the very idea that it’s embarrassing that makes it hard to do the right thing.

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