I’m very discreet with my life, and I always keep it drama-free. I believe I’m an attractive young lady, I have a masters degree, I carry myself with class at all times. I have had a house since I was 25, and I take great care of myself and my son. But I feel he’s ashamed of me or hiding something. I’m a poet, and, when he comes to my events, he makes sure he marks his territory, meaning he’ll be all over me. He is very jealous at times and gets mad at me when other guys break their necks to look at me, as if I gave the other guys a memo to look. He is also in the entertainment industry and each time he has an event I’m not invited, I only find out about them on social sites, like Facebook. He doesn’t post pics of me on Facebook, which doesn’t matter to me, but it bothers me that he takes pics with other women from his events and puts them on there. And when I question him, he says it’s for promotional use only. I will ask,”Well, why don’t you just get a fan page instead if that’s the case, and keep your personal life separate.” I never get a direct answer.
His phone is another thing: he is so secretive with his phone, and I never gave him a reason to be as I never went through it. Sometimes he walks off with his phone, just to talk. When I break up with him, he comes back 15 pounds heavier, crying some bull shit as to how he is stressed out and can’t stop eating and needs me in his life. I don’t understand. I feel like three years is a very long time to be going through bull shit like this. I feel like I put in 95% and only get 5%. I’m not rushing into marriage; I just want to be acknowledged, and know 100% who I’m dealing with. Should I just let this fat ass eat his heart out and call it quits for good? — Three Years of Bull Shit
Yes. And while you’re at it, why don’t you introduce yourself to the guys breaking their necks to check you out? Maybe you’d like one of them, and maybe if you experienced better treatment from a a better guy, you’d be less likely to keep running back to your loser boyfriend who treats you like dirt. Just a thought.
P.S. Just because a guy keeps coming back to you, 15 pounds heavier, acting like he’s miserable without you, doesn’t mean he actually cares about you. It just means he’s bored.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Paki September 4, 2013, 3:09 pm
Yes. Aim Higher.
iwannatalktosampson September 4, 2013, 3:12 pm
Yes. It kinda sounds like you hate him.
lets_be_honest September 4, 2013, 3:15 pm
I don’t know where you got that from.
Kay September 4, 2013, 3:12 pm
Honey, you may say you carry yourself with class, but look at the company you’re keeping.
Seriously, how many red flags do you need? MOA. Now.
lets_be_honest September 4, 2013, 3:16 pm
…and the fact that she proudly calls him a fat ass.
GG, is that carrying with class? Calling someone a fat ass?
GatorGirl September 4, 2013, 3:20 pm
hahaha. I would bet no, calling someone a fat ass is not classy.
lets_be_honest September 4, 2013, 3:22 pm
LW, GG says you are not classy. If anyone is capable of defining classy, its GG. So, sorry to say, but you just aren’t.
GatorGirl September 4, 2013, 3:25 pm
Haha, you’re cracking me up today.
But in all seriousness LW, are you just with him for convenience or like an easy lay? You literally say nothing nice about him other than the he attends church. Which isn’t even really saying anything nice about him.
Cassie B September 4, 2013, 4:11 pm
Yeah I picked up on that, too… going to church and playing instruments at church does not automatically make someone a great boyfriend.
I was a bit worried when she started describing his secretive, jealous behavior. Also, the fact that he keeps her pretty separate from the rest of his life. If a guy really wants to be with you (especially after 3 years!) and is a quality guy, he will incorporate you into the rest of his life. LW, there are better options out there.
Sue Jones September 4, 2013, 3:13 pm
lemongrass September 4, 2013, 3:15 pm
Why would you want to be with this guy? Seriously, being by yourself is much better than being unhappy in a relationship. For such a smart lady you’ve been acting pretty dumb.
lemongrass September 4, 2013, 3:16 pm
Okay, that may have been a bit mean but c’mon. People will treat you how you let them.
Amanda September 4, 2013, 3:15 pm
WWS. LW, If you accept scraps of a relationship then that’s all that you will get: scraps. If you want more than relationship scraps from a partner, then MOA. Aim higher for your next potential partner. Much much higher
iwannatalktosampson September 4, 2013, 3:19 pm
It makes me sad that so many women date men who are seemingly embarrassed to be seen with them. Really sad. When I’m in lurve I can’t wait for all my friends and family to meet the love-conquest. Someone please tell me one legitimate non-shady reason a boyfriend would not want to introduce their girlfriend to everyone in their life.
lemongrass September 4, 2013, 3:21 pm
Witness protection. Boom.
GatorGirl September 4, 2013, 3:22 pm
My high school boyfriend literally hid me from his family. Like told me to wait in the car/basement/bathroom etc so he wouldn’t have to introduce me to his family. I wasn’t from a “good” enough family line. Such horseshit. (This only went on for like 9 months, then I wised up.)
lets_be_honest September 4, 2013, 3:23 pm
Oh god, I used to have peter wait in the car when I’d run into my mom’s. I wasn’t shady though!!
iwannatalktosampson September 4, 2013, 3:27 pm
bhahah I lol’ed at 9 months. You’re the best.
GatorGirl September 4, 2013, 3:31 pm
In my defense I was like 18…I didn’t know any better. He wooed me with hot tubs and Long Islands and his shiny, fast car. Now he is balding.
lets_be_honest September 4, 2013, 3:33 pm
Mmmm, I could be wooed by a hot tub.
Jessibel5 September 4, 2013, 4:50 pm
That’s funny, because I could totally be wooed by a Long Island right about now…
Skyblossom September 4, 2013, 3:39 pm
He may be embarrassed by his own family.
Jessibel5 September 4, 2013, 4:41 pm
Haha, I had about 5 guys I was dating stop seeing me me shortly after meeting my family. These breakups had nothing to do with my family and were always due to various circumstances(I wasn’t Jewish, he liked another girl more, we weren’t really compatible, etc), it was always coincidental. My father told me it was time to wise up and start telling potential boyfriends that I was an orphan 😛
Rouge September 5, 2013, 12:22 pm
Chocking on my lunch right now! I think I will borrow your Dad’s line for future use 🙂
HmC September 4, 2013, 3:41 pm
Same reason you wouldn’t want to rush any other step in a relationship- just not ready yet. That said, if the partners aren’t on the same page with that and it’s making the other partner really unsatisfied there is usually a reason.
rainbow September 4, 2013, 4:12 pm
I don’t introduce my boyfriends to my parents because I’m ashamed of my parents, not the guys.
rainbow September 4, 2013, 4:13 pm
But I agree with the rest.
CatsMeow September 4, 2013, 3:33 pm
Did anyone else imagine him peeing on her when she said he marks his territory?
painted_lady September 4, 2013, 3:46 pm
I’m glad someone else has the grossest mental images possible.
mrmidtwenties September 4, 2013, 3:54 pm
I imagined peeing around her on a stage in a circle
rainbow September 4, 2013, 4:13 pm
Yes, it was exciting.
starpattern September 4, 2013, 3:33 pm
“I carry myself with class at all times.”
You might think so, LW, but your letter makes me doubt it.
Guy Friday September 4, 2013, 5:31 pm
I don’t want to BGM it, but this letter goes so far in the other direction that I’m honestly wondering whether the boyfriend’s actually as bad as she claims, because she seems to be exaggerating everything else. I mean, “Oh, I’m a classy lady and all the guys break their necks staring at me” makes me think about a girl named Shaniqua snapping her fingers and shaking her head as her weave moves around. I’m just saying.
Diablo September 4, 2013, 6:54 pm
Why Shaniqua? Debbie could act that way, too….
Bittergaymark September 4, 2013, 8:49 pm
Actually, the language of this letter just isn’t white bitch Betty, its holier than thou Shaniqua… It just is.
lets_be_honest September 5, 2013, 12:40 pm
For real! A totally racist comment gets 14 likes on here?!
HmC September 4, 2013, 3:40 pm
I have an instantly suspicious reaction to anyone that uses the word “class” or “classy” in describing themselves, not sure why. I think it just reminds me of the girls from Flavor of Love or [insert any reality TV show]. Sorry LW, nothing personal.
kerrycontrary September 4, 2013, 3:49 pm
No I really do too. It’s like if you’re rich you don’t tell people you’re rich. If you’re classy you don’t say you’re classy or “act like a lady”. What does acting like a lady even look like?
lets_be_honest September 4, 2013, 3:51 pm
Speak for yourself kerry. I’m rich AND classy.
Bittergaymark September 4, 2013, 8:50 pm
Um, point proven. 😉
lets_be_honest September 4, 2013, 9:33 pm
I’m sure you imagine me as the type to say that seriously, but it was just a joke. Maybe your wink meant you realized that tho 🙂
starpattern September 4, 2013, 3:59 pm
Yeah pretty much. I’m pretty sure “classy” is a word you should never use to describe yourself.
kerrycontrary September 4, 2013, 4:40 pm
I usually use the word classy to describe a place or an object, not really people.
starpattern September 4, 2013, 4:47 pm
Agreed. Honestly I think I only use this word when I’m trying to tell my friends the bar I want to go to is not a shit hole.
Jessibel5 September 4, 2013, 4:57 pm
I think someone can look classy. Like if a friend shows up in a nice cocktail dress I’ll be like “Ooh! Looking classy, friend!”
HmC September 4, 2013, 4:14 pm
Word. Also “drama”. Saying you don’t like drama makes me think you’re a raging drama queen. Which the LW also says. Sorry LW!
Grilledcheesecalliope September 4, 2013, 4:21 pm
Maybe she IS a classy bitch, just like flavor of love.
Jessibel5 September 4, 2013, 4:43 pm
Yeah, the way she described herself really turned me off and made me less likely to be sympathetic to her situation. If someone has to describe themselves as classy, they rarely actually are. It’s not classy to call yourself classy.
Moneypenny September 4, 2013, 7:06 pm
Sometimes there is “classy” and sometimes there is “Klassy.” Perhaps she thinks she’s the former but she’s really the latter!
iwannatalktosampson September 4, 2013, 3:45 pm
Kudos to the LW for asking whether she should let him eat his heart out though. That’s hilarious.
Fabelle September 4, 2013, 3:46 pm
LOL okay I never have the mental energy to seriously comment on letters Wendy posts in the afternoon, but I’ll try.
“usually, I’m the one to break it off” <— if you've broken up so many times that you can only roughly estimate ("usually"?) who breaks up with the other one more often, then your relationship is over. Like, over for good. Don't get back together.
"I’m very discreet with my life" <— where is that "you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means" meme when you need it?
"I feel he’s ashamed of me or hiding something"
"…when he comes to my events, he makes sure he marks his territory, meaning he’ll be all over me" <—- but, what? Those aren't the actions of somebody who's ashamed of you…
Like, I think maybe you meant to juxtapose the way he acts at YOUR events, with the way he acts at HIS (the ones he doesn't even invite you too)? Which, okay. That's valid. But I honestly don't even feel like addressing it, because this relationship should have been over (again, for good) long ago. But, moving on—
"I feel like three years is a very long time to be going through bull shit like this" <— yes! Yes, yes. When you think these things to yourself, listen. Don't listen to anything else inside of you that's telling you to take this man back. Just listen to the "damn, this is actually bullshit. It's been ~way~ too long to be dealing with this" voice.
And then don't allow this dude into your life anymore! Honestly, it shouldn't be that hard if you both go to separate churches & run in totally separate circles. It's as easy as not answering the phone.
lets_be_honest September 4, 2013, 3:48 pm
Haha, at first I thought she meant she usually is the one to break up with ANY guy, not THIS ONE guy. Yea, crazy. Walk away.
CatsMeow September 4, 2013, 4:01 pm
Fabelle September 4, 2013, 4:10 pm
Red_Lady September 4, 2013, 7:56 pm
painted_lady September 4, 2013, 3:49 pm
This guy doesn’t appear to like you. Don’t date people who don’t like you.
You don’t appear to like this guy. Don’t date people you don’t like.
Neither of you seems to be able to decide if you want to date the other. After six month or so, if the answer is “unsure,” then the answer is “no.” It’s been three years. The answer is no. Do not date this guy. Even if he gets fat. Even if he begs. Even if you’re afraid to be alone.
Cassie B September 4, 2013, 4:17 pm
The first two pretty much sum this up…
kerrycontrary September 4, 2013, 3:50 pm
Wow this LW sure sounds like a catch. So hot that she breaks guys necks when they try to check her out. Educated. Has a good job. Writes poetry. Acts like a lady and has class.
Why did you end up with such a shitty boyfriend then?
GatorGirl September 4, 2013, 3:59 pm
Does the “neck breaking” happen in real life? I’ve never experienced it in such a dramatic fashion. Yesterday a guy was staring at me across the bar so GGuy stared at him until it got weird…but that’s the most dramatic oogling I’ve ever experienced. But none of this neck breaking.
Fabelle September 4, 2013, 4:08 pm
I have seen it before— it’s usually when dudes (let’s just say dudes) are surprised? Like, you come out of nowhere & they’re not expecting to see a cute girl at that specific moment in time? The shock makes them forget not to swivel their heads all around (that’s my theory haha)
As an aside, my boyfriend fucking winks at guys that he catches checking me out?? (if they’re being super obvious) Which is kind of icky, but apparently he just feels awkward & would rather act like, “yeauhh this my gurllll” than get bristly over it? (Also he’s a reflexive winker. I don’t know how he pulls it off, because I can’t)
CatsMeow September 4, 2013, 4:14 pm
Very few people can pull off the wink.
GatorGirl September 4, 2013, 4:15 pm
Hahaha that’s awesome. We live right by our complex pool and this guy used to walk by our porch and gaze in the sliding glass door (or awkwardly stare at us sitting there) way too often. One time GGuy waved at him. It was hysterical.
lets_be_honest September 4, 2013, 4:26 pm
I have a neighbor that for months now refuses to acknowledge us. Used to be all friendly, Peter would help her with stuff (she’s elderly) around her house, snow, etc. Now, when I say hi, she totally ignores me. Was telling my gf about this last night when we were on my porch, so I showed her and she couldn’t believe it. Its so strange. If I did something to make you hate me so much you can’t even say hi, just tell me!
Jessibel5 September 4, 2013, 4:55 pm
My parent’s neighbor’s 16 year old daughter was having a huge unsupervised drinking party at their house one night when our neighbors were out of town last year. We stood by the window and waved at all the underage kids arriving at the party and totally weirded them out enough to make them flee and the party got shut down. Then the neighbor’s daughter showed up at our house and told us her feelings were really hurt by what we had done, and that we had ruined her evening.
Red_Lady September 4, 2013, 8:02 pm
Wow! She really had the nerve to confront you about her illegal activities?!? Sounds like a real piece of work.
Painted_lady September 5, 2013, 12:56 am
Nah. Just sixteen.
Jessibel5 September 4, 2013, 4:46 pm
Haha, when you described the wink I was thinking it was to make the other guy uncomfortable like a “yeah, you can have ME too!” thing.
lemongrass September 4, 2013, 4:12 pm
Something tells me that women who think men are breaking their necks to look at them are the same type of women that break dishes.
lets_be_honest September 4, 2013, 4:26 pm
what happened for it to get weird? just length of time? I need a juicy story!
kerrycontrary September 4, 2013, 4:39 pm
I don’t think my boyfriend ever notices if a guy checks me out. He’s like the least jealous person ever. Or just doesn’t care. I have to be like “that person is staring at me and it’s weird” for him to notice. A lot of times people stare at me like they are trying to place me, even though I don’t have “one of those faces”. Maybe it’s all DWers haha. But anyways, usually when I get stared at in public its by both men and women and it’s that sort of staring.
MicNikki September 4, 2013, 3:50 pm
The first thing I thought reading this was, “he’s cheating.” And not ON you – but WITH you. He won’t introduce you to his family or bring you to his church or entertainment events? That could be because his other girlfriend/wife is going to be there.
The only thing that stopped me from thinking this 100% is the Facebook thing – he posts pictures with other girls, but not his girlfriend/wife. Anyway, a lot of this just sounds odd, and if he’s not in a relationship with someone else, I think your suspicions that he’s hiding something are warranted.
sarah September 4, 2013, 3:52 pm
Oh my, how is this even a question??
oldie September 4, 2013, 3:55 pm
LW, nothing you say about how you live your life screams ‘classy’ to me. You are clinging to a ‘relationship’ with a loser in which you are kept invisible, but keep going back for more. That is not classy at all. Time to face the facts, you are a FWB to this guy. You are setting a very bad example for your child. Do you really want to model this doormat, no-self-respect life-style to your child. You actually consent to being hidden from view for 3 years and call it a relationship? MOA and treat yourself with some self-respect.
cdobbs September 4, 2013, 4:30 pm
LW something is seriously wrong with your relationship….this guy is hiding something from you….for me if i can’t trust somebody than i can’t be in a relationship with them….either he is seeing someone else (or possibly multiple people) or he wants to keep his options open….either way i think you should MOA and find someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve
oldie September 4, 2013, 5:24 pm
Yes, despite how classy and beautiful she claims to be, she is just pathetically desperate to here this guy tell her how badly he needs her. That is pretty much the real-life definition of no self-esteem: extreme dependence upon hearing how totally valuable you are to a guy, who treats you like shit and clearly has other women in his life.
Jessibel5 September 4, 2013, 4:48 pm
Spelling question: The sign off has me thinking, is bullshit one word or two? I always type it as one word.
Michelle.Lea September 4, 2013, 4:02 pm
Kinda sounds like he’s already attached to someone else. You guys have been together for 3 years and you haven’t gone to his church or met his parents? Something is hugely wrong there.
bondbabe September 4, 2013, 5:16 pm
And do you have custody of your child? If you do have custody, how does he treat HER/HIM? There is absolutely no mention in your letter of interaction between your BF and your child. Or even between YOU and your child.
I this jerkwad of a “boyfriend” is treating you this shittily, you question him on some of his actions/statements, etc., and you don’t get a satisfactory answer—DTMFA. Does someone really need to take a hammer and pound this into your head?! Do you really want to continue on down this path in hopes that it’ll all turn around? Do you think that will really happen? He has obviously shown you his best–at least the best he’s will to offer; which, to me, isn’t good at all. And do you have such low self-esteem that you’re willing to keep putting up with treatment?
DO NOT let the door hit you on the ass on the way out….
lets_be_honest September 4, 2013, 5:18 pm
Good call. I’m all for not rushing on having bfs/gfs meeting the kids, but 3 years and she doesn’t even mention how they are together?!
landygirl September 4, 2013, 5:24 pm
Put that Masters Degree in Poetry to good use by writing a Dear John letter and then here’s an idea…DON’T TAKE HIM BACK AGAIN. He isn’t the problem LW, you are.
kriskros September 4, 2013, 6:49 pm
This guy is probably cheating on you (or trying to) and wants to maintain a persona of being available to other women, but he likes the security of a relationship so he keeps dragging you back in. This guy is not relationship material. Break the cycle, end it for good, and look for a partner that wants a real relationship.
Red_Lady September 4, 2013, 8:06 pm
You don’t give any reason for why you should care about this guy who doesn’t treat you well, so why should you care if he gets fat? MOA!
katie September 4, 2013, 9:58 pm
sooo, i actually thought this letter was going to be more about food.
Lindsay September 4, 2013, 10:08 pm
If you keep taking back a man you seem to hate and who won’t let you go to his church and acts shady with other women, then I would not say that you avoid drama. That’s the very definition of drama.
You clearly aspire to be someone who is classy and mature, and in order to achieve that, you need to find someone you can have a happy and stable relationship with that doesn’t involve breaking up a lot.
Bossy Italian Wife September 5, 2013, 10:15 am
I’m never one to jump to accusations, but this guy sounds like he is hiding SOMETHING. Him being all over at you at your public events while simultaneously hiding you and not introducing you to his family–HUGE RED FLAG. He may feel sad as hell when you kick him to the curb, but he doesn’t have his stuff together enough to be above board.
Honestly, from the way you described yourself you sound like a real winner and this guy sounds entitled. The truth? He not entitled to keep coming in and out of your life. You ARE entitled to have the love you deserve. And while I’m at it, a great quote from The Perks Of Being a Wallflower: “We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Go find someone truly amazing who matches up with you and gives you what you deserve!
Lucy September 5, 2013, 11:23 am
tbrucemom September 5, 2013, 12:32 pm
Calling someone a “fat ass” isn’t classy and putting on 15 lbs. wouldn’t make someone a fat ass. However, the LW should MOA because her BF is hiding something or someone.
christina September 6, 2013, 11:41 pm
I was wondering who is cooking him dinner while you are broken up and he is gaining weight?