Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Should I Move With My Boyfriend of Three Months?”

I’ve learned a lot from this post, “8 Things You Need to Do Before You Move For Love,” and the comment thread, but I could still use your advice. I’m in a relationship of about three months that feels like way longer. We hit it off right away and have spent at least three nights a week together since the very start, so basically half-living with each other. We are each others’ “best” by far, and both of us see a lot of long-term potential for the relationship. He has inspired me to think of the future so much more and work even harder on improving myself. When we first met, he told me that he works a lot and his work will require him to move, but it would be a couple years down the road or so.

Fast forward to now and he has been offered the opportunity to move districts much sooner than expected. Ironically, the official offer came on the same day I was laid off — along with my whole office. This job offer would be awesome for his career. The district is still in the same state, but it will be a good distance away. We have agreed that we can’t do a long-distance relationship. We both still want to make it work and really see a future with each other, but there are a few concerns, the main one of which is how long we’ve been together thus far. Also, we are currently in a big city, but the move would be to a much smaller mountain town. I don’t drive and currently rely on public transportation. On one hand, I’ve always wanted to live in the mountains and really need to finish getting my license anyway. I also have plenty of money saved up, and because I do not yet have a degree and have varied experience, where I can work is somewhat flexible. I have also considered the option of starting remote work because I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.

We’re both very independent and responsible people, and we understand that following all of the pointers in your post would be super important for making things work. He’s half-lived with someone before, and I’ve fully lived with someone I was dating previously, and thus we have learned from prior mistakes. So I guess my question is: Would I be crazy to follow him, all things considered? — Should I Move?

The post you reference – 8 Things You Need to Do Before You Move For Love — lays it out for you really well. If you can’t read through it and enthusiastically feel ready for the challenge and potential pitfalls of moving for love, then you aren’t ready. And it makes sense that you wouldn’t be – you’ve only known this person for three months. The lifestyle change alone In moving from a big city to a small mountain town would be enough to give couples who have been together a lot longer some pause, particularly if one doesn’t know how to drive.

None of this is to say you couldn’t be happy moving where your boyfriend is going. You could learn to drive, you could find a new job there or a remote job that you could do from there. But it doesn’t sound like you are sure enough. You haven’t had enough time. And, frankly, I have to wonder about why you are so opposed to long-distance, at least temporarily. If you took, say, six to twelve months to date long-distance, that would give you time to continue getting to know each other, you could learn how to drive, and both of you could get a sense of this new mountain town and make sure it would be a good fit for you. Whatever reasons make this an unappealing option for you — so much so that you’ve ruled it out immediately — are likely reasons that would make picking up your life and moving to such a different place for a guy you’ve known a few months a little – well, you said it – crazy.

Bottom line: If you can’t commit to each other a few more months across the distance of a single state to make sure that moving is the right move, then moving isn’t the right move – now or in the future.

I have a 16-year-old with my ex. My current boyfriend, with whom I have a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old, does not want me to talk to my ex at all. I keep telling him we have to make decisions about our daughter together and that’s why we speak, but he doesn’t want that. He wants the child alone to talk to her dad. I’m so fed up. Please, can I have some advice?

P.S. My ex and I don’t see each other; we just talk over the phone. — Fed Up

 
It’s time to make your current boyfriend an ex as well. You’ll kill two birds with one stone that way: He’ll see how ridiculous and moronic is it to demand that co-parents not speak to each other and instead use their kids to relay messages, AND you will no longer be stuck with a jealous, controlling asshole for a partner.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

20 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Buttery May 9, 2019, 9:33 am

    #2, I mean really your boyfriend sounds like a controlling idiot. Which means that baby daddy #1 is likely an idiot too (since women like you seem to pic the same type of jerk over and over) but I say that to say that you probably must speak to the 1st dude not just send in your daughter, because he’s a jerk.
    LW#1 If you really want to go can you establish yourself there separately? Like get your own place, etc? I know that probably seems like a lot but that’s the only way I would do it. I see too many women in the oops well we just moved in because of timing or whatevs and they don’t even know the dude. Men respect you more when you are not dependent on them. And I was a little amused by your last paragraph about how independent and blah blah you say you both are, yet you sound like a rather dependent person immediately spending tons of time with someone you just met….huh? I consider myself independent and when I was single I had to many things to do to sit up under some dude every day, but that’s just me. Even if I was crushing hard, no I still have work, yoga 2 evenings a week (or whatever), NEED an alone evening at least one day a week, got my girls one day a week…you get the idea.

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  • Miel

    Miel May 9, 2019, 10:02 am

    Wendy, I just re-read your list after I myself moved for love a year ago, and it is spot-on! Every item on the lists helped the transition to the new city and made living together much easier. 1) Discussed long-term plans? We had done so for years, no stress about that. 2) What if the relationship doesn’t work out? It was still a great move for me career-wise. 3) What about life in the new city? I had visited so many times it didn’t feel like a transition at all! And I could go on like this for every item…

    To LW1, I want to say you need to take better care of yourself. You say you’re an independent and responsible person, so before you consider moving I would learn how to drive, buy a car, find a job, find an apartment in his new town and THEN move. Otherwise, you will not be a very independent person, you will be someone who lives in his apartment, is dependent on him for transportation, and is dependent on him as the only source of income. And if he’s attracted to your “independent and responsible” personality, then the shift to “completely dependent” won’t be very attractive…

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    • avatar

      Buttery May 9, 2019, 10:56 am

      Preach!

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  • avatar

    anonymousse May 9, 2019, 10:06 am

    LW1- No, you should not move with a bf of three months. How far is this, if it’s still in the same state? Staying together overnight 3 nights a week is nothing like living together. But that’s not even the biggest red flag (ha, ha- other than you’ve only known him 3 months!) that this is a bad idea- you don’t drive and it would be moving to a mountain town. Suddenly, you’d be almost completely dependent upon him. Let me tell you that would absolutely change the dynamic and I’m betting the glow of a fresh relationship would rub off pretty fast.

    And what is with the “he’s half lived with someone before and I’ve fully loved with someone”? I mean, that is great and all but that doesn’t mean you’d be great living together. What is half living together?

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy May 9, 2019, 10:31 am

      I think, based on her letter, that she thinks “half living together” is when you spend three nights a week with someone, which is not anything at all like “fully living with someone.”

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      • avatar

        anonymousse May 9, 2019, 11:14 am

        Yeah, I just wanted to point out how ludicrous that is.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 9, 2019, 1:10 pm

        Yeah, I think that’s just called dating…Haha

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  • avatar

    ron May 9, 2019, 10:12 am

    LW #1 — Yes, you are crazy if you move. Three months is still the honeymoon period and you don’t really know this guy yet. You also have a lot of work to do on yourself: get your drivers license, finish your degree, find a new job. If this new relationship can’t take this moderately long distance for a half year, it’s not going to work. The fact that you are raving about how much you always wanted to try remote work sounds like a rationalization from someone who know the job pickings are scarce in this small mountain town. At a minimum, get your remote job in hand before you move. Also, at a minimum, actually get your license before you move.
    I’m also not convinced your idea of ‘plenty of money saved’ matches with reality. That may be unfair, but your whole letter sounds awfully high on wish and hope and you sound unsettled and grasping at 3-month bf as fixed point after having your employer fold.

    LW#2 – why did you have two kids with this ass? Not allowing you to speak to your co-parent ex is awful and you should have run from this guy as soon as he insisted on this. This is a glaring case of racing through the red flags. I’m curious, why is this suddenly bothering you now?

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    • Miss MJ

      Miss MJ May 9, 2019, 10:18 am

      I wondered this about LW2, as well. Is this a new thing because your current guy thinks that 16 is old enough to be a relay person or did he really expect you to have a 10 year old (at most) negotiating between his or her parents when you first met? Is he going to expect you to cut off contact with your child when he or she turns 18, too? It’s all gross — the controlling, the insecurity, the jealousy, the sheer stupidity of the demand. Ugh.

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  • courtney89

    courtney89 May 9, 2019, 10:20 am

    It could be a state like CA where even driving across the state (Say San Diego to San Francisco, just as an example) is around an 8+ hour trip. I agree with Wendy, a few more months of getting to know each other would not be a bad thing.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy May 9, 2019, 10:29 am

      I’m sure it’s likely a big state that would necessitate some planning and sacrifice for them to see each other, but if you can’t handle that level of commitment, you sure as fuck can’t handle actually moving with someone.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark May 9, 2019, 10:53 am

        It’s VERY cheap yo fly across CA.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse May 9, 2019, 11:11 am

      A quick flight away.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph May 9, 2019, 10:27 am

    LW1- spending a few nights a week together is not living together, or even half-living together. You each have your own independent space. I bet you don’t even have a drawer at each other’s place. A toothbrush? There’s a lot of growth left for a relationship beyond 3 months of spending a few nights a week together.
    If he couldn’t even commit to long distance with a defined end-date (say, 6 months) then he is not worth moving for. Anyone should be able to understand that you can’t just pick up and move your life to some smalll mountain town without a drivers license and a job lined up.

    LW2- Co-parenting with your ex is very important for your 16 year old. I also bet that if you keep up with this guy then the day they turn 18 he’s going to be like “now you really have no excuse.” But its not like parenting ends at 18, you and this guy will be related via your mutual child forever.
    I had a friend growing up whose mom remarried and had more kids with the new husband and this friend was always second fiddle. Like Cinderella– not so much treated as a servant, but definitely treated like an outsider who was “less” than the new kids. You’ve obviously had the co-parenting relationship since you and this guy got together, so if his opinion here has changed is it related to having new kids? Maybe he’ s thinking like this is your real family, which is total garbage. You should treat all your kids equal and seek good parental relationships for all of them. You are ALL family now.

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  • avatar

    MissD May 9, 2019, 11:07 am

    I know long distance is not ideal, but if you guys can’t even handle it within the same state for maybe 6-8 months while you continue getting to know each other and getting to know this new city, you guys just aren’t meant to be. Sorry.

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    • avatar

      MissD May 9, 2019, 11:31 am

      P.S. LW 1 – I speak from experience. My partner told me on our very first date that he was moving across the ocean to another continent. We were long distance for nearly 2 years before I was ready to move.

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      • avatar

        ktfran May 9, 2019, 11:38 am

        How’s it going MissD? Update us on the dating thread!!!!

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      • avatar

        TheHizzy May 9, 2019, 12:07 pm

        Same. We were completely long distance for 11 months in the start of our relationship.

        While LDR might not be for everyone, LW#1 should end things if they aren’t willing to try it. Moving in after 3 months is bonkers. The honeymoon phase.

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  • avatar

    4Slope May 9, 2019, 12:43 pm

    LW1- I say go for it with the caveat that you get your license before you move. It will make it much easier for you to get a job and thrive in an environment that’s not really public transportation friendly.
    You are in a great place to pick up and move. You have money saved, it’s not like you’d be quitting a great job to do so. You’ve got one life, so why not take some risks and give it a shot? If it sucks, you can move back. You may have to break a lease or pay some fees, but so what? As long as you’re not leaving out something huge, like you’d be uprooting your kids to move in with a guy you’ve only been with for 3 months, I say go for it.

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  • avatar

    Ange May 9, 2019, 5:53 pm

    Not going to lie I moved in with my now husband pretty quick, however I had a licence and car and a job and we were both in the same city we’d met in still. Take out any one of those factors and it would have been a really dumb idea because you instantly become somewhat reliant on a person you don’t know that well.

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