I look through CL casual encounter ads fairly regularly, for entertainment value more than anything. I rarely answer anything as I think a sizable % of CL posters are trolls or cheaters. However, I started seeing an ad, about once a month or so, that seemed real to me. It was from a woman who, for medical reasons, cannot have sex with her husband anymore. She was looking for someone to “take care of that” for her — a FWB for him, as she called it. I am not sure I could have done that when I was married. It would have killed me to know he was with someone else. So the second time I saw the ad, I decided to respond. We had an email exchange, and the bottom line is that she would like me to do it.
I’m not sure this is a good idea, but who am I to judge another couple’s relationship? She said it has taken them six months of teary conversations to get to this point, and at first he said no. But “ultimately I know that he can’t go the rest of his life without sex, and I’d rather know that he’s doing it than have him get frustrated and eventually cheat.” She also said she could talk on the phone with me (a condition of mine is to meet both to ensure no cheating) but she said she couldn’t meet me because “knowing the other woman almost makes it like he’s sleeping with my friend” and its taking it to a more personal level. She prefers it out of sight, out of mind.
To me, this doesn’t sound like a woman who is “absolutely sure” she wants this to happen. I am very capable of having sex with someone and having it mean absolutely nothing. But I also am not sure I could do it knowing that this wife is sitting at home thinking about what her husband is doing. I really feel for this poor woman. I want to ask her, “Have you been to a doctor? Gotten a second opinion?” I would move heaven and earth to have sex with my husband! She told me it was endometriosis and vaginitis. Surely, there is something she can do? But this is not my business, I guess…I don’t know. Should I take her at face value and help her out with this? Or back away and forget it? I don’t want to cause pain for another person. Or make her hate her husband or herself. That would make me feel horrible! But, as she said herself, I am the perfect person for this since I am a swinger and, having my own relationship, I am not out to steal anyone’s husband. I just am not sure. — Gigi
You said yourself that you look at the CL ads mostly for entertainment value. And I would presume the other value you get is when you actually find a potential match for a “casual encounter.” You aren’t, I don’t think, cruising CL to find a way to help someone. Or save someone’s marriage. You aren’t looking for a way to be altruistic. You are, literally, looking for a casual encounter, right? And what you’re describing — the emotional turmoil you are feeling from this wife and worrying about yourself now — doesn’t sound “casual.” It actually sounds anything BUT casual.
But… maybe that appeals to you. Maybe you like the idea of helping this couple and only need to feel that you are, in fact, helping and not harming. And I can’t answer that for you. I suspect the wife can’t really answer that for you either. I’m sure that whatever she is going through IS incredibly difficult, and the idea that she needs to rely on another woman to satisfy her husband’s sexual needs probably IS hard, to say the least. But perhaps she has made up her mind that this is something she’s going to do and, if you aren’t the woman, she will keep looking until she finds someone because, if she can’t satisfy her husband’s needs directly, she can still be a loving wife who satisfies her husband indirectly by giving him another woman, so to speak. In that sense, the other woman — you, maybe — is a gift she can give her husband. And maybe the idea of being a gift is something you can embrace. Maybe it even titillates you. Maybe this encounter, though not casual, can bring you MORE than what a more meaningless one might. But maybe “more” isn’t necessarily better or desired for you.
I can’t answer these questions for you. You have to decide for yourself if you want meaningless, casual sex (and there’s nothing wrong with that if you do!), or if you want to take your swinging to a different level and offer yourself as a “gift.” Doing so would inject meaning in the experience because feelings would be involved. They may not be feelings people usually fear or associate with casual sex relationships. But these potential feelings between the two spouses — like maybe relief, gratitude, guilt, sadness, love, and jealousy — will probably affect you. Feelings — and meaning — that likely haven’t existed in past casual encounters you’ve had–will exist in this kind of encounter. And you just have to decide if that is a bonus or a detriment to you and your sex life. If it’s more than you want, just say no. After all, the wife may eventually find another woman to sleep with her husband. And if not, he isn’t going to, like, die from not having sex. I mean, plenty of married men have been surviving that scenario forever…
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.