We’re both 25 and have had some pretty crappy relationships, so we agreed to take things slowly. We have similar backgrounds in religion, family, and what we want out of life. Day-to-day has been great, but whenever we start to talk about the future, panic mode sets in. We talked for two months before making it official, and I was the one to say “I love you” first (which I probably shouldn’t have done, but it’s the 2000s and those old rules don’t still apply…right?).
Anyway, it always seems like I’m one step ahead of him. He was honest and said he wasn’t ready to say “I love you” back yet, and a month later he said it. We have talked about the future, kids, and what we want out of life, but I feel like we’re at a standstill. However, I was presented an opportunity for a job out by him that pays more, and the town is cheaper to live in than where I currently am. It is still an hour away from him. When I first told him about the opportunity, he said he was excited and didn’t forsee us breaking up any time soon.
However, as the interview moved closer and closer, he started to freak out. He keeps saying he “wants to be sure” (whatever that means) because he is afraid that if I move out there and we break up, I will be stuck with no one. I have tried to convince him that I would go for the job and he’s just an added bonus, but we both know deep down I wouldn’t want to be out there without him. I don’t want to pressure him, and I am heartbroken that he is so scared and unsure. I’m not looking to get engaged right away, but I want a commitment and he can’t give me one and is really bothered that he can’t.
It seems like there’s nothing I can say to comfort him or reassure him. I told him it’s normal to feel this way after not even being together a year, but he says that it’s almost been a year and he should not be feeling this way. He also says that the ultimate goal of a relationship is marriage, and if he’s unsure about that, what’s the point?
I don’t want to keep dragging this out if this isn’t going to go anywhere, but I also don’t want to throw away something because we’re rushing it. Conversely, I also don’t want to not take the job since it is $10,000 more than I’m making now, and I currently hate my job.
He has asked for some time to think. We’re still talking, but he said he needs time to “be sure” and “make sure everything is fine.” I had my interview yesterday and I’m 99% sure I’ll be offered the job. I don’t know what to do. Help? — For Love and Money
The answer is easy. If your boyfriend weren’t part of the equation, would you take the job? If the answer is no, don’t take it. If it’s yes, take it. He’s being flaky and you can’t count on him to be around next week, let alone next year. You *are* pressuring him, whether you realize it or not. But in this case the pressure is pushing an issue it sounds like you’re really ready to resolve. I’m not sure the result is going to be what you’re hoping form, but if, after some time to “make sure,” your boyfriend decides it’s you he’s sure about, here are a few tips I recommend when considering a move for love. Good luck!
It’s not too early. If he doesn’t want kids and you do or think there’s a chance you might, then this is a deal-breaker issue – he not only doesn’t want any more kids, but also he doesn’t seem like an invested dad with the kid he has, and that’s not what you want. So, it’s better to move on now before you get more invested and have trouble leaving later.
Read more about this issue:
And related: “How Do I Know If I Absolutely Want Kids?”