“Should I Tell His Wife Nothing Ever Happened Between Us?”

A long time ago in a place far, far away (in this galaxy, though), I worked as an assistant manager at a restaurant while also going to college. I had a *great* relationship with my boss – we were very different people, but our strengths complemented one another in a very positive and useful way that benefited both our careers. We had a very friendly relationship even outside of work, hanging out as couples with our partners multiple times, but our relationship was never anything other than platonic. In fact, I absolutely loved his wife (probably more than him!) and always wished we’d have had a chance to get to know each other 1:1. After a couple years, I broke up with my abusive ex and my boss started having serious problems with his wife. For the record, I think he was mostly at fault – though not entirely – something I made clear to him on multiple occasions. However, during this time, there were obviously no group-hangouts taking place.

Fast forward a few years and I’d moved across the country with my then-boyfriend (now husband) and started a new career. My old boss was a suggested friend on Facebook, so I hit the button. I got a message a couple days later explaining that his wife was under the impression that we had been in a romantic and/or physical relationship, and because he was trying to save his marriage, he couldn’t accept my request. Although I was a bit shocked because we had never even come close to anything like that (I was definitely never attracted to him in that way), I obviously accepted his response and didn’t reach out again.

That was a few years ago, but recently his wife’s page was suggested to me as a potential friend. It’s clear from her profile photo that they are still together, which is great for them and their kids. Although my head is telling me to ignore this, my heart feels for this woman that I once admired who probably still thinks her husband cheated on her all those years ago (and maybe he did – but certainly not with me). If I ever thought my husband had been unfaithful to me, I know it would be in the back of my mind forever.

If you were her, would you want to receive a message from me stating unequivocally that I was never involved with her husband in any inappropriate way whatsoever, or would that unnecessarily bring up unpleasant thoughts or feelings? Would it help bring peace and closure to that time in your life, or would it just rake up bad memories? At this point, I’m not interested in being friends with either of them regardless, but I hate to think of her struggling with those images for years when they’re not based on reality (especially if I could help to fix that). — Just a Friend

No, I would not want to hear from you if I were your boss’s wife. Please don’t reach out. If she and her husband are seemingly still together, years after the husband told you they were working through some issues, their marriage apparently no longer needs saving. And even if it did, you would not be the appropriate person to offer salvage. Your reaching out would not bring peace and closure. It would do the opposite. And there’s no indication that there’s any need for peace and closure anyway. It’s been years since you were in their lives. They’ve moved on, and it’s hard to imagine after all this time that the wife is struggling with any images of her husband with you, and even if she were, hearing from you out of the blue after all this time wouldn’t assuage any lasting concerns she might have.

I think what this really comes down to is your discomfort knowing the wife doesn’t like you. But you are not responsible for her feelings – not her feelings about her husband and not her feelings about you. Whether her feelings were based on inaccurate assumptions, jealousy, or simply not liking your personality very much, you are going to have to accept that there is someone out there who once held and maybe still holds less than complimentary feelings towards you and there’s nothing you can do about it. That you believe that the two of you might have been great friends had the situation been different maybe makes this truth sting a little more than it might otherwise, but it’s not worth the energy you’ve already spent thinking about it.

We all have people out there who have held and maybe still hold less than complimentary opinions about us. Sometimes those opinions are justified and sometimes they aren’t. But honestly, those opinion aren’t even any of our business, and worrying about them isn’t going to change the opinions. Just let this go. Block these people on Facebook so they no longer show up as someone you might know. Because you *don’t* know them anymore, and no one in this scenario is struggling as a result of that.

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.


  1. I’d even go further and say that you could do damage by contacting the wife. Whether she’s still suspicious or not, you proactively contacting her after so long, to tell her that nothing happened between you and her husband, could sound like protesting too much. If I were her, I might newly wonder if something WAS going on, for you to go to that length. Definitely leave this alone.

    1. I agree with this wholeheartedly.

  2. It feels like a very reddit response to assume that everyone needs your input into an issue like this and it would be a welcome problem solver. Which isn’t intended to be mean, it just seems like the sort of thing the inexperienced teens on reddit would think is an appropriate course of action. Sometimes the absolute best thing you can do is stay out of it and let people work through things on their own, which they probably did years ago.

    This lady hasn’t even blocked you, which suggests she might have ended up believing her husband anyway. Stirring the pot with a denial now would no doubt set them right back at square one.

  3. Not your circus, not your monkeys!

    You’re projecting what you think you would feel in a similar situation onto this woman. If you’re a touchy subject in their relationship or if they’re going through marital issues, that’s for them to figure out with one another and the only other person who should be involved is potentially a therapist. An out-of-the-blue denial from you would be VERY odd.

    It also might be worthwhile to get to the root of why YOU are hanging onto this all these years later.

  4. Anonymousse says:

    I wonder if his wife really did have those suspicions.

    Sorry, I question everything.

    It is true that you don’t really know she felt that way. That’s what he said to get out of being FB friends with you. Maybe she did have suspicions, or maybe she didn’t-but if you wrote to her now, she will never believe him or you.

    I am also wondering why on earth, years later when you’re married and across the country you feel tempted to reach out to her. Just leave it alone, what else good can come from this? None.

    1. Anonymousse says:

      It’s been a few years since he told you that he didn’t want to be FB friends. Why stir the pot? Why are you thinking about this? It seems a little self serving, and it’s not to make her feel soothed. You don’t even know her anymore, and you weren’t close at all.

  5. Anonymousse says:

    Hey long time readers, the first few sentences of this post reminded me of the young woman who liked her older manager and thought that ##Anything Could Happen.

    1. Yep. I had a sense of deja vu – Miss Golden Corral-&&Anything Can Happen&&

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