Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Should I Tell My Boyfriend I Drunkenly Kissed Someone Else?”

From the forums:

I have been dating someone for two years and I love him with all my heart. We live together in the northwest, but I’m originally from the east coast. Recently, I went back home (by myself) for the first time in six years to see old friends. While there, I went out to a bar with my old childhood friends and among them was a guy I had a crush on when I was a teenager. Nothing ever came of it, but there was always mutual innocent flirting – although to be clear, I have not had a crush on him since I was 15 (I’m now 30). I also hadn’t spoken to him much in the last six years, so there had never been any kind of lead up to what I am about to tell you n.next…

By the end of the night, we were all extremely drunk — the drunkest I’ve been in a very long time. My childhood crush was kind of flirting with me, but he’s a flirty guy so I ignored it. Fast forward to my leaving/getting in an uber: I’m hugging him goodbye and he gives me a kiss on the cheek which somehow turns into a full-blown make-out. It only lasted a few seconds but I feel AWFUL about it. To make matters way worse, his girlfriend of five years SAW the whole thing and now they are not speaking (this happened two weeks ago).

I am not the type of girl who ruins relationships or cheats on her boyfriend. It was so stupid and pointless, and my boyfriend deserves a lot better. I don’t know what to do. Do I tell my boyfriend, too? I think about it 100 times a day and here are my pros/cons of telling him:

Pros:
1. He deserves to the know the truth and decide if he still wants to be with me.
2. I won’t be keeping a secret from him (I’ve never kept anything from him).
3. There’s no chance of someone else telling him first

Cons:
1. He could break up with me over something that meant absolutely nothing.
2. If he forgives me, there may always be this doubt in his head that I’ll do it again (we are SO happy and so in love and I don’t want to ruin that, ugh).
3. It’ll cause him unnecessary pain – at the end of the day I am so in love with him and that other guy means absolutely nothing to me.

I made such a stupid MISTAKE. Do I tell him or ride it out?

Side note: I realized through this event that I clearly don’t know how to stop drinking when I should and for this reason I have given up alcohol. I’ve not explained the reason to my boyfriend, but it’s one thing I can do to improve myself/learn from this.

Please help me, I’m consumed with guilt. — Consumed with Guilt

You clearly want some absolution here, but I don’t think confessing to your boyfriend is going to give you the relief you desire. For one, it’s selfish. You can justify that telling him is for his own good all you want, but it’s not; you’d be telling him for YOUR own good (to relieve the guilt you are currently consumed with). Also, for the record, I don’t think giving up alcohol is going to give you the absolution you crave either. It’s one thing if you really think you have an alcohol problem; it’s quite another if you’re creating an issue where there isn’t one to distract yourself from the problem that actually exists – the guilt you feel over kissing someone other than your boyfriend for a few seconds. Creating an alcohol problem that likely doesn’t exist isn’t going to solve shit and is just going to confuse the boyfriend you say deserves to know the truth.

The truth is that you did something stupid that arguably isn’t that big of a deal unless it’s indicative of a bigger issue. You say the bigger issue is an alcohol problem. I say that maybe the bigger issue is that you aren’t as happy with your boyfriend as you say you are. If that doesn’t resonate – if you really feel in your heart of hearts that you have a good, solid relationship with someone you love and care about and respect, don’t fuck it up by confessing about some meaningless drunken kiss that lasted a few seconds. If this is a relationship for the ages for you, you’ve got to learn how to deal with mistakes that might rock the foundation of that relationship. Because you will make more mistakes!! No relationship and no person is perfect. To worry about “ruining” a perfect love is going to be the death of your relationship – and, not for nothing, your emotional well-being. What pressure! You know what putting pressure on yourself like that sometimes leads to? ACTUAL ALCOHOLISM! Like, the real kind and not the made-up kind you diagnose yourself with after one wild night.

So forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not being perfect and for making one little mistake that didn’t mean anything except you were dumb in the moment and not thinking. It led to nothing, right? You didn’t have sex with the guy, zero clothing was removed (or even moved), he didn’t follow you to wherever you were going next, you haven’t spoken to him since, it didn’t start anything (if anything, it ended whatever flirtation might have existed between you for the foreseeable future). If you feel like you absolutely have to have your boyfriend’s forgiveness in order to move on, tell him, I guess, but own that you are telling him for yourself – for your own need to be forgiven. And while you’re at it, tell him that you’ve stopped drinking because you had to put your guilt somewhere because you were suffocating under the weight of it, and so denying yourself whatever escape or enjoyment alcohol might give you was a way to do just that without potentially breaking his and your heart and ruining your relationship. I mean, if the truth is what you’re after, you might as well be 100% honest – with him, and with you.

Also from the forums:

I am 24. My boyfriend is 30. He is a 4th year medical school student aiming to become a surgeon (and highly likely to become one with his test scores so far) and I adore him in every single way imaginable. We have been dating for a little over a year and he is the most kind, gentle, smart, honest, loyal, hilarious man I have ever encountered. Basically, he’s the perfect human being. He insists he does not want children for five years, but I feel very ready and I feel as though he is as well, even if he does not say so. His father almost died last year and he is not looking too good this year. My mother and my best friend support me, and I believe his family would not be upset if I fell pregnant either.

However, I realize this is a huge decision and I want to talk about it with as many people as I can which, unfortunately, I cannot do in person since this is such a personal topic. — Ready for a Baby

 

You are nowhere near ready to be a mom, even if you say you are. See how that feels? When someone takes what you say and believe about yourself to be true and then says, “Nah, I know better.” Multiply that feeling by 1000, add 20 years of childcare responsibility on top of that, as well as derailed dreams and goals, and broken trust, and you’re getting close to the betrayal your boyfriend would feel if you “accidentally fell pregnant” after he said he wasn’t ready to have kids for at least five years. If you’re so ready to have a baby right now — and I mean it when I say you don’t have the emotional maturity, evidenced at the very least by your inability to discuss personal issues with people in real life, and you are not fucking ready for the financial and physical and emotional demands of parenthood — then find someone who is also ready or thinks he is. Don’t blow up your most-perfect-human-being-ever boyfriend’s life with your selfishness.

***************
Follow along on Facebook,  and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

43 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Ms.Vader January 14, 2020, 11:01 am

    WWS 100% for both letters. For letter 1, confessing your sins is hardly ever for the benefit of the injured party. It’s to relieve the pressure you’re feeling. If it was reversed, would you actually want to know? I wouldn’t- ignorance is bliss is a popular saying for a reason. As well, one night of being really drunk doesn’t mean you’ve got an alcohol problem – you even said that you haven’t been that drunk in a very long time so it’s not a pattern. You’re trying to find a reason why this isn’t your fault.

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  • avatar

    K January 14, 2020, 11:01 am

    LW2 – even if you feel ready to have kids, you’re only 24 and you have plenty of good childbearing years ahead of you. If you truly love this man and think he is so perfect, then maybe he is worth waiting for. If your desire to have kids right now exceeds your desire to be with this man, then move on. There’s nothing wrong with him wanting to wait 5 years until he completes medical school and residency, and he’s likely also dealing with a lot with his dad not being well.

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  • avatar

    golfer.gal January 14, 2020, 11:47 am

    I said this in the forums and I will say it here: taking away someone’s autonomy to make reproductive decisions is ABUSE. Using your partner’s trust in you (your assurances that you are on birth control and using it consistently) to sabatoge their agency and make decisions you know actively go against their stated desires is abhorrent. It’s indicative that something is deeply wrong- there is a pathological lack of respect, caring, and empathy. The fact that you’re calling this a decision you want to talk to “as many people as you can” about, when you already have a clear answer from the one and only person who you SHOULD actually be talking to, tells me you are nowhere near ready or mature enough for a mutually loving relationship, let alone parenthood. Please get therapy. I dont mean that with snark, please get help and figure out what’s going on with you that got you here.

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    • avatar

      ArtsyGirl January 14, 2020, 11:53 am

      YES on all of this.

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    • Miel

      Miel January 14, 2020, 12:35 pm

      Yes!
      I was at my doctor’s office and they were going down their question list. They asked versions of “is your partner controlling/withholding/interfering with your birth control?” Why do they ask this? Because it would be a sign of ABUSE for a partner to hide your pills, throw them in the garbage, poke holes in the condoms, etc. It is ABUSE for someone to mess with/lie about birth control in order to force someone to have children.

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    • avatar

      BonV January 15, 2020, 8:43 pm

      Perfect reply! I hope that LW2 can seriously absorb what you wrote.

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    • avatar

      MelB January 19, 2020, 12:08 pm

      Yeah, this person is a gross human being. She’s going to do it anyway, and then bitch when this guy is never home and is neglecting her and the baby because of school.

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      • avatar

        aa915 January 21, 2020, 2:47 pm

        So he’s told you he’s not ready and you’ve just decided you know better? Wow. Just, wow. How would you feel if it were the other way around, that you were the one who wasn’t ready and he’d decided he knew better so he started swapping your birth control pills for sugar pills or putting pinholes in the condom?

        I wish there were some way he could see this letter and run for his life. This is so bad on so many levels it’s hard to believe the LW isn’t a troll, but alas probably not.

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    • avatar

      Diva January 20, 2020, 2:24 pm

      LW2: So basically you, your mother, and best friend are dysfunctional as hell: You say your man is not ready, wants to wait for five years, just had a loss, and is still in med school? Of course he doesn’t want a baby! You don’t even KNOW him well enough i-t hasn’t even been a year! No mention of engagement or marriage, and you want a baby? Looks like you’re trying to trap the man. Because when women start talking that baby mess and the man has made it clear they don’t want a baby, means to be you want to keep a relationship that probably isn’t a great as you think. Your mom and friend are weird af to even lend any credibility to your deceptive plans. Further, what do YOU do to support yourself? Because you’re going to face the real possibility that you’re going to be a single parent- especially if he discovers your attempt to blindside him or if he’s working like a dog trying to support every one. He could even give up his rights to the kid. Get a revelation and a therapist to discuss how manipulative and trifling you are…and bring your mom and friend to the session so they can stop their shenanigans. Ugh to you all.

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    • avatar

      K January 20, 2020, 2:26 pm

      It’s abuse, and it’s fraud. In a just society, people would be thrown in prison for attempting stuff like this. Just a garbage human being.

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    • avatar

      Matt January 20, 2020, 6:06 pm

      Dear Ready For A Baby,
      My girlfriend did this to me, and did so after I made it very clear that I didn’t want to have any children until we were married. At 1 year into our relationship, she tells me she is pregnant and I asked how it was possible, she had told me every day that she had taken her birth control pill. We’ll she was like I guess I wasn’t actually taking them, but guess what we were gonna have a baby.
      Trust gone, lifetime commitment I didn’t want, now my responsibility.

      If you love this amazing man, who is working very hard to become a doctor, then wait until he is ready. The last years of medical school are punishing to even the smartest of humans out there. Then residency is even more punishment, that will have him gone from home constantly, leaving you a 24 yr old, to handle a baby all by yourself. Trust me, when you have had sleepless nights and your man comes home, takes a shower and says he has to go back to the hospital for a double 24 hour shift, you will greatly regret this decision, and from the sounds of how selfish you sound, will only result in resentment towards him because he is not there helping you.
      Don’t make a life long commitment for another person. It’s a decision you both need to make together, if you don’t parenting isn’t going to be the experience you think it will be.
      Matt

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      • avatar

        A.T. January 20, 2020, 9:57 pm

        Uh oh! It looks like someone wants a rich baby daddy! Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, she knows she’ll get paid regardless for the next 18 years! Poor guy

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  • avatar

    ArtsyGirl January 14, 2020, 11:51 am

    Holy Crap LW2 – DO NOT GET PREGNANT! You have only been dating a little over a year and are still in the honeymoon period. You are not married or even engaged. He is clearly a smart guy and he has told you kids are on the back burner – if one of your girlfriends told her your BF got her intentionally pregnant despite her saying she wasn’t ready, how would you feel? That is exactly what you want to do. Just because you have the babies-rabies does not mean you get to trample on your BF’s plans and wishes. The medical condition of his father has zero bearing in this decision. You are not gifting his parents a grandchild out of the kindness of your heart, it is something you want even through your partner does not. That is selfish. It is also shitty to think you know your BF’s wishes better then him. He knows what he wants and it is not to be a father right now.

    I am unsure if you are aware of how medical training works (if you are in the US) but he still has a further 4+ years to go with his residency. Residency is hell on people – they work insane shifts all while prepping and taking exams. He is likely to be working 50-70 hours a week during his residency so he will not be home most of the week. When he is home, he will be studying and sleeping. He absolutely does not need an infant or small child in his life during this period. If you want this amazing man in your life, adjust your plans. If you need a baby now – dump him and find someone who matches your timeline.

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    • avatar

      Steve January 20, 2020, 1:14 pm

      Are we allowed to question the motives of letter writers? LW2 doesn’t say it, but it’s hard not to think that maybe she (and her mom and friend) are hoping that a baby will trap her a future doctor. But what she’s got wrong in her calculations is that saddling a resident with a baby and/or child support payments may very well prevent him from becoming a doctor.

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    • avatar

      Anonymous January 20, 2020, 6:15 pm

      50-70 hrs are the easy months. Surgical residents are routinely 80-100hrs weekly. Duty hours be damned.

      Not saying you can’t have kids in residency. Many of my co-residents do, but the timing matters.
      If you two stay together (child or not), you’re looking at Matchday in March flinging him across the country for residency; so are you ready to up and move with him? Then you propose bringing an infant into the mix early intern year, where hours are generally worst. Childcare will be 95% you, and your dreamy brilliant surgeon’s training will suffer for even more sleep deprivation than normal. The next 5 years of pay is functionally minimal wage, and loans eat it up, especially if the Match puts you in a high cost of living area. He says 5 years. Considering that surgical residencies are generally 5 years of intense strain, maybe, just maybe, he’s considered this timeframe more rationally than you.

      You propose to stress test a new relationship more than the next 5 years of residency alone will; and the fact that you can’t seem to respect his wishes of gave the conversation with him makes me wonder if you’re ready for even the strain of moving cross country.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros January 14, 2020, 1:37 pm

    For LW1, I do think that making a decision not to get that drunk again makes sense. Some people can get super drunk once in a while and be fine. If you are the kind of person who gets that drunk and then does something detrimental to your life, then you should not get that drunk. I think there’s a lot of space between abstaining from alcohol and just not/deciding it’s dumb. But I’d agree. LW, your intention is to tell him and stay together, and in that case, your purpose is solely to feel better by making him feel like crap. IF you make a decision to not get wildly drunk, then I think that this is something you don’t have to confess.

    LW2: It’s unacceptable to decide he’s wrong when he says he’s not ready. You are implying that you’re going to secretly get pregnant and that’s unquestionably horrible. It’s no one else’s business but yours and your boyfriend’s. If he doesn’t want kids right now and you HAVE to have them immediately, then break up and find someone who wants them now. TBH, I’m disgusted that you are even considering this…

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    • avatar

      dinoceros January 14, 2020, 5:49 pm

      I’m back because I’ve been thinking about this. LW2, you need to think about the bigger picture and about other people than yourself. Aside from your boyfriend’s wishes, no child wants to be brought into a world where their mom knows their dad doesn’t want them and makes them anyway. And there’s a very good chance your boyfriend will dump you. I assume being a single mom doesn’t fit in your fantasy of being a mom.

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      • avatar

        Steve January 20, 2020, 1:07 pm

        If LW2 goes through with her plan, she may very well derail her boyfriend’s education, causing him to not become a doctor. Then she will have ruined three lives: the no longer future doctor, the baby’s, and her own.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom January 14, 2020, 2:48 pm

    LW2 You wanted to hear from mothers. I’m a mom of two. My son is 28 and my daughter is 19. I’ve been married for 32 years. That’s my background for what I will say.

    The only two people who should be included in a discussion about having a baby are the two people who will be the parents. Absolutely no one else should be part of that discussion. The fact that you are turning to your mom and best friend to help you make this decision shows that you don’t have the maturity for a serious, committed relationship. You don’t seem to understand the foundation for a successful, long term relationship. If your mom gave good advice she would have told you to talk to your partner not her. Your mom encouraged you to have a baby. That’ means she gives terrible advice. You need to stop going to your mom for advice.

    In a situation like this you must come to an agreement with your partner. If and when to have kids needs to be mutual for the best outcome. Anything less than both parents being in agreement is at best harmful to the relationship and at worst totally destructive. Kids are hard on relationships. Kids need huge amounts of time, which your boyfriend knows he won’t have and are a large financial commitment. He won’t have much income for years. He’s being wise.

    A good relationship needs a strong foundation and a critical part of that foundation is trust. If you want a lasting relationship he needs to be able to trust you. Even if you get pregnant and he never finds out you planned the pregnancy he still won’t be able to trust you because he will assume you are irresponsible. Irresponsible people can’t be trusted with anything important. Even if he believes your lie he won’t be able to trust you. You could leave him with the impression that he had to watch everything you did because you couldn’t be trusted to do it right. That turns your relationship into more of a parent/child relationship. That’s highly destructive.

    As far as his dad goes assume he knows his dad better than you do. If he isn’t trying to provide his dad with a baby before his dad dies you should follow his lead. A “surprise” pregnancy might sadden his dad more than make him happy. I don’t know of any parents, and I know a lot of parents, who would be happy to see their child blowing up their life with an unplanned pregnancy. His dad is much more apt to be sad and disappointed in a “surprise” baby than happy. His family could very easily love the baby and despise you for forcing him to be a parent too soon.

    One more thing. I have seen lots of relationships that were happy at one year and over and done by two years. I had one of those myself. It’s very common for a couple to break up somewhere between 18 months and two years after the relationship started. The honeymoon period wears off and you see the person in a different way. You need to give both of you time to see if this is a long term relationship. Make major life decisions as a couple. Accept his wishes. If your wants and his don’t match then you break up and find a more compatible partner. The most likely result of an “unplanned” pregnancy is that the two of you end up broken up. What would you do if you told him your birth control failed and he said he wanted you to get an abortion because he couldn’t be a father yet? The decision would be yours but the stress would belong to both of you. His disappointment and changed view of you would be permanent.

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    • avatar

      Daz January 20, 2020, 10:01 pm

      Couldn’t agree more sky blossom 🤞🏼 Hope she didn’t …

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  • avatar

    Ashley January 14, 2020, 3:39 pm

    I have a feelin baby bells wouldn’t be ringing quite so loud if everything was truly good in your relationship. Let me guess…he’s off at med school and your worried he’s gonna leave you for another med student? You think you get pregnant hell HAVE to stay with you? Oh honey that is not how this works. You are 24 focus on getting your own ducks in a row.

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  • avatar

    katmich15 January 15, 2020, 1:18 pm

    I think it’s a pretty big leap to assume that LW1 doesn’t actually have a drinking problem, if she does, good for her for stopping. We’ve all done stupid things when we were drunk and the surest way not to do them is not to get drunk. And it sounds like LW1 is recognizing that when she drinks she can’t stop and that sounds like alcoholism. I agree that telling the boyfriend will only hurt him unnecessarily, but the problem is that other people saw what happened so he may end up finding out. I would think about how likely it is that anyone from that group would ever tell him, and if it’s unlikely than probably better to keep it to yourself.

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    • avatar

      Daz January 20, 2020, 10:05 pm

      Right. I Agree110% Catmitch. That’s the real deal with some forms of alcoholism. & If someone else would end up telling him then hands down she should be the one to tell him first instead of lying about it to save grace. Honestly is my philosophy. I’d ralther know and be able to deal with it vs finding out and being a complete fool.

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  • avatar

    Luchi January 16, 2020, 7:23 am

    Hi Anonymous!
    I think that the truth is that you did something stupid, you said that the issue was the alcohol, perhaps the bigger issue is that you are not as happy with your boyfriend as you think. On the other hand if you really feel in your heart that you have a good and solid relationship with someone you love and respect, don’t bother her by confessing a meaningless drunk kiss that lasted a few seconds. If this is an important relationship for you, you should learn to deal with the mistakes that could be the basis of that relationship. Because you will make more mistakes! No relationship and no person is perfect. Worrying about “ruining” a perfect love will be the death of your relationship, and not for nothing, your emotional well-being. What a pressure! Do you know what it takes to press like this sometimes? The alcohol, as the real type and not the invented type with which you diagnose yourself after a wild night.
    Bye.

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    • avatar

      LES January 20, 2020, 6:55 pm

      LW2, wow. I wish I could tell your “perfect human being” boyfriend to RUN! That you would even consider doing is so wrong on so many levels that it makes me wonder what other selfish decisions you would make. He deserves far better.

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  • avatar

    Claudia January 19, 2020, 1:47 pm

    Hi!
    I reckon it must be a difficult decission. However, you should keep in mind all you have said, if it did not mean absolutely nothing, you have to explain it to your boyfriend, and he will understand.

    What else? For a start, you must say to the boy you have kissed that you don’t want any relationship with him, that you really love your boyfriend, it was a mistake, and all this kind of things.

    Finally, you must have a serious conversation with your BF, always with steem, I’m sure that if you speak as you have done in this forum, he won’t take into account the kiss.

    Good luck! And I wish that things work out with you.

    Claudia.

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  • avatar

    Chordqueen January 20, 2020, 10:02 am

    I agree with most of these comments with the HUGE exception of those suggestions that LW2 “find someone who is ready or thinks he’s ready” to have a baby! WT very F??? So she can’t wait for Mr. Perfect, so go have a baby with someone else??? For Great God’s effin’ sakes DON’T DO THAT! SMH.

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  • avatar

    Ontario Pundit January 20, 2020, 10:33 am

    LW2 Getting pregnant on purpose but without seeking the father’s consent is a violation of your boyfriend’s trust, plain and simple. If you really want a child with him now be up front.

    It seems like you two need to make a decision about your future together and either commit or move on.

    As for being on the pill and having unprotected sex, umm, unprotected sex, whether on the pill or not, is consent to reproduce.

    If you’re serious about avoiding kids and having sex, both partners need to be using birth control; the man a condom, the woman the pill or IUD.

    Since the boyfriend in this case is a physician he ought to understand how reproduction works.

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    • avatar

      Creya January 20, 2020, 7:22 pm

      Truth!
      It takes 2 and birth control is the responsibility of both partners.

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  • avatar

    Jerzee January 20, 2020, 11:05 am

    LW2:

    It’s pretty clear that you are going to do what you want. You are going to listen to your terrible mom and best friend and get knocked up against your boy friend’s wishes.

    I seriously hope that he sees this article, puts 1+1 together and figures put this is about you and him and runs like he’ll away from you. You do NOT deserve him if he’s been honest with him and your first choice if to be dishonest with him.

    Shame on you for even contemplating getting pregnant against his wishes. It would be no different than If he were to get you pregnant and you didn’t want it.

    This is coming from a family that tried for 10 years for a pregnancy; 10 years! If there is ever a husband and wife that wanted a child it was us.

    We have much stronger opinions for you but we’re pretty sure none of it will matter to you. You have your mind set to ruin three lives due to your own selfishness.

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  • avatar

    Wow January 20, 2020, 1:10 pm

    I am stunned to hear deceit recommended.
    Pros:
    1. He deserves to the know the truth and decide if he still wants to be with me.
    (OF COURSE, otherwise your relationship is founded on deceit.)
    2. I won’t be keeping a secret from him (I’ve never kept anything from him).
    (Lets be clear, it is not a secret it is a lie.)
    3. There’s no chance of someone else telling him first
    (Important point.)

    Cons:
    1. He could break up with me over something that meant absolutely nothing.
    (No it means something and it is up to him to decide what it means to him)
    2. If he forgives me, there may always be this doubt in his head that I’ll do it again (we are SO happy and so in love and I don’t want to ruin that, ugh).
    (Well too late, you did ruin it, at least for a long time until trust can bbe rebuilt.)
    3. It’ll cause him unnecessary pain – at the end of the day I am so in love with him and that other guy means absolutely nothing to me.
    (Its not the telling him that will cause pain, its the cheating.)

    Just because being honest will relive your guilt, that is not a good reason to think that honesty is only for your sake. Yes you should not drink in public.

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  • avatar

    SW January 20, 2020, 1:11 pm

    #2

    Wow. Just… WOW. Let’s set aside the morality of whether or not you should get pregnant against your boyfriend’s wishes. I mean, we shouldn’t because that’s terrible, but let’s just set that aside.

    We need to look at the logistics of what you’re about to do. You yourself say he’s in the 4th year of medical school, and he wants 5 years.

    That makes sense, because he’s looking at up to 5 years of surgical residency after he graduates. I’m sure he’s mentioned this to you. He will be *gone* for the majority of those 5 years. From about 90 seconds of googling I found that you can expect your boyfriend to work for 3000 hours a year roughly during his internship. A full time job is about 2000 hours give or take. So that works out to about 12 hour days on average, including holidays or fewer days off. Anecdotally, surgeons have the most intense internship of them all.

    I’m sure he’s talked to you about residency. So no ignorance claims there LW.

    And you want to bring a baby into that? That sounds like a terrible idea. So terrible that it’s pretty solid evidence you shouldn’t be looking to produce a baby with *anyone* right now. Your boyfriend is spot on with his planning. He needs 5 years to do his residency then he can be there for a baby as he starts his practice.

    The last thing he needs is the stress of a child during that. I would lay money that he *will* leave you if you do this. You may even destroy his career because you’ve got baby fever. Your mom and best friend are giving you terrible advice. Assuming your BF stays and you have a kid, you will basically be alone for most of the kid’s infant, toddler, and beginning child life.

    In fact, having written this, I’m going to go ahead and say that I *Hope* this is a troll letter. I am having trouble imagining how ditzy you have to be in order to think this is a good idea.

    If LW is for real, don’t do it.

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  • avatar

    B Hart January 20, 2020, 2:07 pm

    Leave him. Don’t wait for him to finish his Medical School. I’ve heard it happen many times where one partner waits and supports the other while he or she is attending school and afterwards they leave the supporting partner. He might not be ready after he graduates either. Just leave him. He might change his mind. If not move on.

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  • avatar

    Sahri21 January 20, 2020, 2:17 pm

    LW2

    I see it as you think he is picture perfect and you want to lock him in before he realize WHAT AN AWFUL HUMAN BEING YOU ARE. As well as your best friend and mother.

    He is not ready. He has school and a career to establish. What if, you getting pregnant derailed that and he chose to quit school to get a job better suited to raising a family? Would you still want him then?

    Also, having a baby is a lot of damn work. It just is. It is exhausting. Beyond your level of current comprehension. Even with support from people you know, he will be busy should he choose to stay in school and raising that essentially on kid on your own would only breed resentment from you.

    Wait for him to be ready, or leave him for someone who is. You are basically forcing him to have a child if you get pregnant secretly. Can you imagine if someone did that to you? Held you down and got you pregnant on purpose when you didn’t want a kid?

    Or maybe forced you to give the kid up for adoption because they decided for you that you weren’t ready?

    See. It’s awful. What you are contemplating is awful.

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      Sahri January 20, 2020, 2:18 pm

      I was so angry I had a lot of typos.

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    Marinette January 20, 2020, 3:57 pm

    LW2: Snap out of it. You have a guy who is going to be a *surgeon*. Don’t screw this up.
    Every woman I know held off child bearing until they were over 30. I had my first at 32 and second at 37. You have plenty of time.
    As he advances in his career, you’d better have one yourself. Your best path right now is to get a degree (if you don’t already have one) and get yourself going on becoming an interesting person and member of the community. Become someone his future self can be proud of.
    The worst possible thing you could do, ethically, financially, and relationship-wise would be to accidently-on-purpose get pregnant. His family will hate you. He will hate you. You’ll get to raise a child alone. Do not screw this up!!

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    Anonymous January 20, 2020, 4:10 pm

    I believe that sincerity is very important in a couple, you should tell the truth to explain everything you went out for a while. You met your old friend and especially what you drank too much and because of alcohol you did something that you are very sorry for. the accounts of the kiss afterwards you have to make it very clear that it was of no importance to you that he is your true love and you do not want this to cause any problems and that you do not want to drink again so that nothing like this never happens again and you ask him sorry for hurting you

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    Daz January 20, 2020, 10:11 pm

    If this girl goes through with getting pregnant on purpose may this site be held record so he can put her straight into her place with not only a personal law suit but a lawsuit from the state to incarcerate such lawless disrespectful actions. This poor new baby. I feel so sorry for the father and the baby. 🙈

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      ron January 21, 2020, 11:16 am

      It isn’t against the law and she is in no risk of incarceration. It certainly is disrespectful, shitty behavior.

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    Lonely Monster January 21, 2020, 8:39 am

    Sounds like LW is trying to baby trap her med student boyfriend. Getting pregnant does not force a guy to become an instant perfect husband/father and no he will not thank you for taking away his decision to be a parent, because you need a child to assail your insecurities and fears.

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      Stephanie January 21, 2020, 9:43 am

      Please for the love of god DO NOT get pregnant to try and trap a doctor. He clearly told you that he doesn’t want children until he is finished with residency. You are super immature to talk to your mother and best friend and anyone else except him. Girls like you suck the life out of good men. Be a supporting loving gf and wait until he marries you.

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    Academic Cauliflower January 21, 2020, 9:58 am

    LW2
    IDK where to begin…
    1-You are clearly not stable and this must manifest itself in other ways. What if your bf decides to leave you and sue for full custody?
    2- I know a man that was trapped like this with a baby. He did love his daughter dearly and married the mom for the baby’s sake but cheated on the mom all the time bc his heart was not really in the marriage.
    3- WHAT ABOUT THE POOR BABY? So many things could go wrong with this scenario. Doesn’t your future baby deserve to be brought into a stable environment and not one so full of potential for drama unhappiness and resentment?

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    OiVey January 21, 2020, 1:13 pm

    #2
    Sounds like you haven’t even discussed marriage yet, doesn’t sound like the girl has a career/plans etc and has no idea that he will be caught up 24/7 in study and residency while she has no idea what babies do to relationships (they make them worse! You have to start at a high stable place as it grinds it down).

    Please leave him! Neither he nor you have any idea how unstable and immature you are! Even using the term “fell into a pregnancy”. Run!! Both of you, in different directions and do not trust you mother or your unwise friends anymore. Take a decade and try to grow up.

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