I’m sorry for your loss. Please know that the miscarriage was not your fault, that it is an incredibly common – albeit painful – experience, and that millions of women go on to have successful pregnancies following miscarriages (myself included). Having a miscarriage does NOT mean you will have trouble conceiving or carrying a baby to term when you’re ready to become a mother. In fact, if you’ve had a miscarriage, then you know you are able to conceive – even with the use of birth control, in your case! – and that can be of some comfort to you if you hope to eventually have biological children.
I absolutely do think you should tell your boyfriend, whom you hope and plan to have a future with, about your miscarriage. This is not a burden of grief you should carry alone when you have a partner who wants to support you and to share in your joys and your struggles (and if he doesn’t, then he’s certainly not someone you should be planning a future with). Trying to spare him grief when you are struggling so much with it is destined to backfire. He’ll notice that you are troubled and it will frustrate him to not know why and to not have any idea how to comfort you. He may wonder if he’s done something to upset you.
If you’re genuinely feeling nervous about your boyfriend’s reaction to the news of your miscarriage, then use this as an opportunity to do some soul-searching about your relationship. You need to feel comfortable sharing things with a long-term partner, especially when they directly relate to him or her. If you’re serious enough that you’re discussing a future together and having children together one day, then you should be able to tell him when you’re pregnant and when you’ve had a miscarriage. It’s these kinds of shared experiences that help show you how – and whether – you two can work together to overcome challenges. These opportunities to lean on each other, and to grieve together and problem-solve together, give you a better sense of what a life together might look like — how you two succeed as a couple and where there’s still room to be better partners to each other. By keeping secrets like your miscarriage from your boyfriend, you are denying him the opportunity to show you his strengths as a partner. Conversely, he may show you weaknesses as a partner you would be better off knowing NOW rather than years down the road.
Is there anything I can do to have my child’s last name changed? I fooled myself into thinking he’d get a divorce, and now I’ve come to realize that although he and his wife have been separated since 2017, he’s still choosing to stay married. I need some advice. — Baby Re-Naming
Yes, people legally change names all the time. You would have to reach out to a lawyer about how and whether you can change your baby’s last name. I would imagine it would take the father’s agreement, and maybe he would be happy to give you that to be left alone, I don’t know. What I can tell you though is that a name change isn’t going to change the situation here. You had a baby with a married man thinking the baby would coax your boyfriend into getting a divorce and it didn’t and it won’t. It’s time to shift gears from trying to make this relationship work in the romantic sense to figuring out how to best co-parent together. Your baby did not ask to be born into this situation. Your child should not be a pawn in three’s company drama. Your baby deserves to have all the love and nurturing and attention every child needs to thrive.
You should be strategizing on how best to meet your child’s needs, not sticking it to the baby’s daddy for not getting the divorce that should have happened before you ever moved in and had a baby with him. Is he a good dad? Does he show up for his kid? Does he emotionally and financially support his baby? If so, why rock that boat by initiating a name change? If he’s not a good dad, then you certainly have bigger issues with the guy than his not divorcing his wife, and you should be glad you never had the opportunity to marry the dead-beat.
And now, an old one from the vault you may have missed:
I’m worried that if I confront my brother and fiancée, it will turn into a sibling grudge match with lots of old dynamics rearing their ugly heads. I already asked my parents to mention how stressful it will be for them. Is that fair? Should I just suck it up and silently resent them so that twenty years from now when we are fighting over who gets mom’s heirlooms, I end up screaming, “I get them since you practically ruined my wedding!” — Trying not to be a Bridezilla